Chapter Four
They had talked every night for the past two weeks. Kathryn told her mother story after story about the things that Chakotay had done on Voyager. It was now Sunday night. This was their last night alone. Chakotay would arrive tomorrow and stay until he and Kathryn left for the wedding. Gretchen knew that she had not heard the heart of the story.
Gretchen could see that her daughter was nervous. She was picking at her fingers and pacing. "Katie come sit down." Kathryn obeyed and joined her mother on the couch. Gretchen took her baby's hands in hers. "Katie we have talked for weeks it's time you told me about you and Chakotay. You have told me every great thing he every did but what happened between the two of you."
Tears came to her eyes and she wanted desperately to leave the room and escape her own thoughts but her mother would have none of it. Gretchen held her hands until she was able to speak.
"Mom I blew it big time! He loved me and over and over I pushed him away until I pushed too hard and he found someone else." Kathryn was sobbing now. Her mother took her in her arms and rocked her like a baby. She stroked her hair and hummed very quietly. Once the tears slowed down Gretchen spoke. "Katie it is more complicated than that. It always is with you but there are three things I know." She pulled her back and held her daughter's face between her two hands. "The first is that you have never spoken about a man the way you have talked about Chakotay; not Cheb, not Mark, not even Justin. The second is that whatever happened with whomever is over or he wouldn't be coming."
Kathryn shook her head up and down. "B'Elanna told me that it ended right after we returned. She left for Vulcan with Tuvok and he left for Arizona."
"The third is that if he felt nothing for you he would not have agreed to go to the wedding with you."
Kathryn looked up at her mother through swollen red eyes. "He knows that soon we will be working together on Voyager. Maybe he just wants to make things more comfortable between us."
"To make things comfortable as you say, he could have met you on Betazed the morning of the wedding. He is spending a week at your home. That says something." Her mother coaxed her to lie down with her head on her mother's lap. She continued to stroke her hair as she had done when she was a child. When she was young it calmed her down and made her feel better. "Katie this is so unlike you. I have never seen you so insecure before."
She lay still in her mother's arms where she felt safe and loved. A little calmer now Kathryn decided to tell her mother everything. "Did you know that he was a criminal?"
She knew that there was much more to the story so Gretchen did not overreact. "No, I didn't."
Kathryn laughed just a little. "It is ironic. Starfleet sent me to capture a criminal and instead he captures me." She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. Maybe it would be better to get this out before Chakotay arrived. She hoped her mother would have some good advice when she was finished. "He was a leader in the Maquis. He had escaped to an area called the Badlands and I was sent to get him. After we got trapped he beamed over to my ship to talk. I thought that we needed to work together to find a way out of our situation. The minute he appeared on my bridge I felt a shudder go through my body. There was almost an altercation between him and Tom, another long story, and I had to push him away from Tom. The moment I touched him I knew. It was like nothing I had ever felt in my life. The warmth of his body seared my soul. Now understand, I was engaged to Mark and I had just been thrown 70 thousand light years from home. On top of that I did have a personal hatred for the Maquis. I resented what they were doing because I felt like they were fighting against everything that daddy believed in and had worked so hard for all those years."
Her mother broke in, "Oh, Katie you can't fight battles for your father. He did what he thought was right in dealing with the Cardassians and I am sure Chakotay did the same."
"I learned that as time went on but at that moment there was a lot of guilt. As we worked together we developed a great friendship. He was my first officer and my confidant. We had breakfast together and often ate working dinners in each others quarters." She was smiling at the memories. "We spent more than a few nights shooting pool in the holodeck. We were just so comfortable with each other. And we flirted constantly. You know little looks and little comments dripping with innuendo. Then there was the touching. I was forever touching his arm, or his hand and he my shoulder." Suddenly she laughs out loud as she remembers some of the things they had said. "Once I told him that if I needed further information on mating behavior that I would know where to go."
"You didn't."
"Yes and I did it on the bridge in front of the crew no less. Another time he asked me if things had been different would I have served under him. It was a perfectly innocent comment but the twinkle in his eye gave him away."
"What did you say?"
"I invoked captain's prerogative and refused to answer. Don't you see mom it was easy when we were flirting? I was good at that, in control but as soon as it started heading for more I got scared."
Gretchen finished her thought, "and you ran." Kathryn didn't acknowledge her mother's comment but she knew that she was right.
"It got much harder after a particular episode in our lives. We both were bitten by some insect and contracted an incurable disease. We were left on a planet that we called New Earth. We were going to research a cure and if need be establish a new home. I was hell bent on finding a cure while he spent time making it a home for us." Kathryn sat up and looked in her mother's eyes. "He built me a bathtub with his own two hands." The love she felt for him radiated in her eyes. Her mother sighed. She could hear and see the depth of her daughter's feelings. Gretchen was surprised at how alive her eyes looked as she spoke. "He heard me say how much I loved a bath and he built it for me as a surprise. I knew things changed between us the night I took my first bath." She got a far away look on her face as she recalled the moment. "I was taking a bath and I heard a rustle in the trees. I was afraid that someone was there so I called Chakotay. I jumped out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel. He ran out and stopped just behind me. There was noise in the trees and then a monkey showed itself. Our intruder was a primate. We both relaxed as I tried to coax the monkey toward us. The monkey ran away and I turned to go to the shelter. It was then that I saw the look in his eyes. It was powerful, a look of pure desire. I went in to change and he went for a walk. We did not talk about it. Awhile later there was a big plasma storm. We spent the entire day moving tree branches. That night I commented how my muscles ached. I laughed it off saying that as captain I wasn't used to hard labor. He offered to rub my shoulders and I agreed. He moved my hair very slowly then rubbed them. It felt like nothing I ever experienced. The best sex in the world didn't come close to how I felt for those five minutes." She had been lost in the story and just realized what she had said to her mother. "Sorry mom."
"Katie you're forty years old. I have to believe you know what sex is!"
She settled back into the couch and continued the story. "He stopped suddenly. I think it was because he didn't trust himself to continue. I got up and went to bed. I watched him through the screen for a few minutes before I jumped back up and returned to where he was. I was nervous but I had to find a way to put some distance between us. I was so afraid. I told him we had to talk about setting parameters. He told me that he didn't think that he could. Then he told me a legend. It was a story about an angry warrior who fought his whole life. Then he met a woman warrior and he agreed to serve her. He promised to be beside her every day and do everything in his power to make her burden lighter. In doing that the warrior found peace. The story touched me so that I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I put my hand up and we entwined our fingers and sat in silence. It was the most romantic thing I have ever felt. It was the one and only time we touched in any intimate fashion."
"You mean you never…"
"No mom we never even kissed. We were rescued some time later and returned to our duties as captain and commander. Our lives remained the same but our hearts were changed forever. Mom, it was so tempting. I wished that I could let it all go and go to him but I couldn't. I made the decision to strand the crew in the Delta Quadrant and I had to devote everything I had to get them home." She paused for a minute to catch her breath. A little smile came to her lips as she recalled the next memory. "I almost gave in when Mark dumped me. He came to see if I was all right. He was always doing that. I told him about the letter and what it said. The moment of truth had arrived. I no longer had Mark to fall back on. I asked him what he thought. Should I indulge my feelings or hold fast to protocol? He smiled that smile and told me that I had plenty of time." The smile left her face, as she became more earnest. "I didn't. The more time that past the colder I got. It was like an obsession. I was driving hard to get the ship back, nothing else mattered. I knew I was hurting him. He gave me everything and I gave him nothing yet he loved me." She had started to cry again. "Why didn't I tell him that I loved him. That I had for a long time and that not being with him was the hardest thing I did every day. Instead I kept it all inside. I talked about Starfleet protocol and parameters until finally he gave up. He began to date another woman on the ship. I wanted to be happy for him but I couldn't. I wished so badly that it was I, but it was too late. I drove him away." Kathryn's head was down and her tears fell on her lap. She was twisting the tissue in her hands. She thought that once she told her mother she would feel better but she felt worse. It was like reliving it all over again.
"Katie girl I know you well. Those excuses you gave were just that excuses. What held you back?" She reached over and picked up her daughter's tear stained chin. "Why Katie? Why couldn't you let him love you?"
She tried to pull away but her mother held on. "I…I couldn't mom I just couldn't."
"Not good enough." She was pushing her and she knew it. She needed to face this before Chakotay arrived tomorrow.
Kathryn raised her voice. "I couldn't let him love me because it would consume me." She startled herself with her confession. She had never told anyone her true fears about Chakotay. "We have this connection that is so powerful it is frightening. We know what the other is thinking. I can fell his presence without actually seeing him. It is beyond words. We are bonded like soulmates. I was afraid that if I gave into that feeling that I would be less of a captain."
"Less of a captain but more of a woman," her mother added.
Kathryn nodded.
"There's more isn't there?"
Kathryn had settled back down with her head resting once again in the comfort of her loving mother's lap. "I was terrified that I would send him to his death."
The real reason has reared its ugly head. Gretchen knew the real reason all along. Katie was so used to controlling every thing that she couldn't stand the fact that she could not control death. It outraged her that life was often left to chance, a fact that she just chose to ignore. Well it is time to wake you up Katie girl! "Like I sent your father to his death?"
At that she bolted upright. "You had nothing to do with daddy's death. Starfleet sent him not you." Kathryn was so agitated that she was almost yelling. Don't you see? Out there I was Starfleet. I was the one ordering people here and there. I was the one responsible."
"Don't you think I have replayed that day, hell that week, over and over in my mind. All it would have taken was one change. A loss of a half of an hour here or an hour there and things would have been different. Suppose I had told him how sick I was feeling two days before the test flight. Maybe he would have stayed home that day and cared for me. The project would have been set back one day. Maybe then he wouldn't be dead."
"It's not the same." She said shaking her head from side to side.
"Yes, Kathryn it is. We cannot control life, life controls us. We do our best but ultimately life and death come, as they will. We lost your father because that was his destiny. He was in the exact spot at exactly the time he was supposed to be. Don't let those ideas guide you. We cannot change that. I know that you are a Janeway but even you can't change history."
Both women exchanged a knowing look as they thought about Admiral Kathryn Janeway and what she had done. Gretchen gave in. "Okay poor choice of words."
After a few deep breaths Kathryn realized that she did feel better. They decided to have some coffee ice cream. The two remained quiet for awhile, Kathryn in anticipation of Chakotay's arrival and Gretchen in remembrance of her past. They both thought that tomorrow would be a good day.
