Chapter 20

Logan stared at the picture of color and gloss, at an image that looked so like himself. His mind was racing. It was Nathaniel.his brother, his little brother. He was gentler than Logan.different.and though younger, in many ways wiser. Dozens of memories rushed through his mind. Memories of the good times, the bad times, and the times he never got to share with his only sibling. Logan remembered how close they had once been, and how much they had drifted apart when he had gone off into the service. He remembered how he had felt when his brother left.so worthless almost, like he wasn't being the man that Nathaniel was.maybe.maybe that was why he pursued justice so desperately.he had to have a mission.some sort of cause that assured him he wasn't wasting his life.

When his brother met Sky.that was when they were brought together again. He remembered the day he had brought her home to show her off to his family.namely Logan. Everyone else was too busy with business and social affairs to really care about Nathaniel's new fiancé. Logan smiled slightly as he thought of how gentle in demeanor Sky was, yet there was a fire, a sauciness that really captured him. He had been proud of Nathaniel's choice for he had truly found a woman, a real woman who simply loved without ulterior motives. Logan shook his head at the love he had of those memories.Nathaniel..he had learned to let go.to accept.but now.

"It's him" Sky practically screamed, her throat straining to allow words past its folds.

Logan looked from her to the picture..she was losing it, and if he wasn't careful he might as well. "Sky." His voice was soft.

"It's him..Logan..she knelt down and looked him in the eyes..it's Nathaniel.what if.." Her question trailed off. All she could think of were possibilities. He was so close now.the chance of feeling his touch again..Sky was filled the anxiety.

She quickly came out of her trance when Logan grasped her arms tightly and shook her. "Sky!" his voice was brittle. She could only look at him. His voice caught in his throat. Her face.her eyes..there was a childlike innocence there. She was desperately trying to bring him back, trying to put her life back together.

Sky grasped Logan's arm...her eyes wet...her hair disheveled.grime on her clothes.and iciness in the tip of her fingers. "Please Logan." Her voice was desperation itself. "I have to take this chance.I have to believe.there's nothing else for me to believe in. I can't accept he's dead.I never will.please.help me."

"Sky.I don't think..."

"LOGAN!" She interrupted.and sighed, calming herself down, trying to reach rationality. "Before you decide...hear me out.I'm going to do whatever I can no matter what you say.but hear me out."

Sky slid down to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees. She could feel it coming, more struggle, more pain.and yet the same result.the inability to accept an end...the inability to move on.

"My whole life." she paused trying to swallow down the dryness in her mouth. "My whole life has been spent losing things. I've lost Nathaniel, I've lost my home. My identity, my friends.." She paused. "My parents.." She touched her stomach.. "and.my baby."

Logan's eyes widened.he had never known. "Sky."

"Logan.let me finish.." Sky looked down, she was revealing everything now.sacrificing her secrets for one purpose..to make him see.to make him help bring Nathaniel back.

"Before I met Nathaniel I lived for the day when I could make the people who killed my parents pay. I wanted to see them rot, see them die. I wanted to squeeze the life out of them myself.and feel it leave as they gulped grasping for it. I wanted to kill them, make them feel the fear that they had made me feel, made them feel..make them pay for that apathetic yellow letter I received that detailed in three sentences the cause of my parents death and offered empty condolences." Sky shook her head at the memory of the military letter. "There was nothing else to me, but that moment..and I lived for it, lusted for it.

And then one night on mission, when I was newly enlisted in Sector 5.it came. My squad was cornered by the enemy of the same origin that my parents fought. We were hidden behind an embankment and I could feel them.within my reach.only a few steps away. The moment I had waited and planned for all my life had come.and I was afraid. I didn't feel a surge of self identity or courage, or gratitude and excitement at this moment of realization...only fear...fear of fate, fear of losing my life, fear of not living up to my parents memory, and fear of what it what would feel like to take someone's life for the first time, fear that it wouldn't change things. The glory I had once imagined.was reduced to terror sunken into my trembling frame."

"But my feelings didn't matter.we were cornered and we had no choice, but to fight, or be killed. I killed one man, my first. And I've never felt such a sense of being lost.it didn't change things, didn't make me feel different, didn't stop my nightmares. I made a dent against an enemy who didn't even understand why I hated him, associated him with the same men who killed by parents. The sense of closure wasn't there. And the moment I had decided to define my life by had passed and left me with nothing but blood on my hands, and more anger for the lack of relief it brought. It was at the point.when he died.I stopped drowning.I realized how foolish I was to believe that by taking a life it would rectify my pain, I realized how cold I had become to actually live for such a moment.and I realized what it felt like to take away life..a moment I'll never stop regretting. I stepped onto our convoy.and I sat down.realizing I knew nothing, about me, about purpose, about why I was left to remember everything, why I had to feel so much pain. And then. Nathaniel put his arm around me and pulled me into him..and for the first time since the death of my parents.I finally knew what it was to live.to not feel like a pawn...to not feel lifeless and purposeless. In his arms.I was real. I had hope. And now, I don't know how to feel that with out him..I don't know how to be without him."

Sky was in tears.struggling to accept her words..but she couldn't. There was no moving on..not for her, she couldn't let go. The wounds were forever to remain open.

"I need Nathaniel.I love Nathaniel.." she choked. "He's all I ever wanted.and if there's a chance, I don't care how small, how impossible it may seem..I need to take it."

Logan remained silent. Every logical bit of thinking told him that taking this avenue would only lead to disappointment again. He wasn't sure if Sky could handle that. Nathaniel was dead. He had to be. A picture meant nothing. It could have been altered and printed for some random purpose.. Yet, this time logic didn't govern his actions. He had to look into it.even if this was a facade. Closure would be the only consequence.

He shook his head. "Alright.alright...Now go get cleaned up. You'll get sick in those wet clothes. I'll start right away." She nodded her head as Max placed her hand on Sky's shoulder.she smiled and handed her a towel and a wash cloth.

"Thought you might need this." Logan smiled to himself.she had read his mind. Sky took the articles from Max and smiled. As she stood up.there was a difference in her persona. She seemed stronger..infused with purpose. She disappeared into the hallway as Max sat down.

Logan stared at the picture. Questions ran through his mind. The reality of the task at hand shook him. What if he failed?

Max sensed his discomfort. "Are YOU okay?"

"No. He's my brother.I thought I lost him.It was hard enough to lose him the first time.a part of me just wants to let it be..but then."

"You have to know." Max nodded. She understood every word he said..

Sky shivered as beads of hot water streamed down her face. She felt the streams of water falling off her. "Please God she whispered.let me find him.let him be alive." She drifted off again.and she could feel him.his arms wrapped around her naked back..he held her close and tenderly kissed her lips.water dripped off his face onto hers.she felt so strangely safe in this awkward state. He was the only man in the world she felt safe with. He knew every part of her..her fears, her dreams, her skin.everything.and it comforted her to know that someone did finally experience every part of her and still loved her as a whole. The two stood together wrapped in each other under the streaming water..with each kiss she shivered.as he moved her wet hair out of her face, then focused on one single strand that refused to move from her nose.she laughed as he pushed it away. "I want to see your face." He smiled. She loved him deeply there was no lust in that moment...only pure love between man and wife.

"You think we'll always be together??"

"Of course.a beautiful woman like you and a good looking guy like me were meant for each other."

And then his presence was gone, another memory lived and faded. Sky placed her hand on the shower wall, her reality once again clear, her yearning renewed, and her battered spirit jaded.

Logan rubbed his temple as he plucked away at his computer keys. There was a huge network of information available.he just had to bring it under his control.tame it to relinquish what he needed.

Max was next to him, her hand touching his shoulder.soothing him. She was his connection, his link to reality.he needed her..and was grateful that she was here now.comforting him.touching him. Sometimes you just needed to feel.not to know .but to feel..experience.

Suddenly his eyes narrowed. "Max!"

She leaned down, observing the computer screen.. "A death certificate. Nathaniel's?"

"No. He doesn't have one on record.it's Sky's."