INEXPERIENCED


"in the arms of an angel
fly away from here...
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"


Crawford wished he hadn't asked.

That he was inevitably silent when he heard the things he wanted to hear. The
things he
asked for, he was a fool but he wouldn't accept it, not even to himself.
Self-righteousness was something he had a load of. And now with his pride and
insistent curiousity, he held it all against Nagi.

He sat in a far off palce inside his car looking over some hill which had a
great view
of the city, it was that time between daylight and night and the majestic glow
of the
skies seemed to be swallowed by some inevitable darkness.

He stared ahead. Somewhere.

Wincing at the thoughts that came rushing from all sides. The way he walked
turned
from him as he cried and walked out the door. He wanted to hold him but
didn't.
Because he believed he was clean, and after hearing what Nagi said he decided
that he
was dirty. Questioning his choice and his sanity, whether he shoud taint
himself or he
should just stay away.

The latter won and he walked away, though he could hear him plead for him to
stay,
scream his name in that desperate timber.

Crawford believed he was was clean, but he was cold.

He adjusted his seat and leaned farther with the hopes of relaxing, finding
answers to
all the questions in his head...It was a haze of emotions that he felt just
watching
him speak, tell him everything he forced out of his mouth in the first place.
secrets
he saw but wanted to hear. He felt numb when he heard it, the way Nagi's mouth
pronounced everything, the descriptions that formed vivid imageries of how Nagi
coped,
how he survived his years on the streets of an unforgiving city. How different
they
were. The clubhouse life against a meager one. And the gap seemed to grow
wider,
Crawford could see Nagi drifting farther away from him.

It was his pride above it all. And he wondered why he felt so affected by it.
Why he
couldn't just find someone like him and hold a relationship and be happy, live
the life
he was used to and never look back. Why he couldn't leave Nagi and just go
back to
being team mates. why he cared about this whole thing...Why he loved him so
much.

It took all his will power to just drive away, with every stop light he
encountered he
wanted to turn and run back to him. It took all his strength not to pick up
his phone
as it rang relentlessly knowing it was Nagi on the other end.

* * * * *

"so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

It was magnificent how shadows slowly trace the facade of the city, and before
you know
it, everything is pitch black contrasting the bright lights of a city that
defied the
darkness. He could only swing from memory to memory...how it all started with
Nagi
being candid some months ago and him watching from a distance...before
everything took
its place and he fell. A realtionship based on trust that seeped into
unconsumed but
earnest romantic love. He never knew he was capable of looking at another
person of
the same gender that way, it was a full detour from the straight and perfect
life he
lived. But everything seemed irrelevant outside the two of them. He wanted it
that
way, to keep him.

But now he's faced with the dilemma of keeping him *for everything that he
is*...and
there was fear into breaking that perfection and facing the facts of who
Nagiwas before
he found him and made him into what he is now.

Crawford's hand shook and he had to bow and silently cry in solitude. No one
will ever
see him cry. If he so willed it, the only person that would see Brad Crawford
cry, was
Brad Crawford. He was sheltered all his life, and even when he joined Esset, he
maintained that lifestyle of glamour and accomplishment. Where everyone should
be an
asset, no friends just networks.

He knew so little of love and everything that went with it. A 27-year old
virgin, in
love with someone used and abused for years. A man that lived in utter
paradise,
coming down to see what the real world was like through the eyes of someone
whose seen
the demons this world hid in simple masks.

He never wanted a complicated life, just do your job and reap the benefits,
maintain
the lifestyle you've always known and earn more...a smooth road to follow. Two
roads
that lead to a final destination and the only road that was relevant to him was
that
road that was lined with thorns, it drew him like a moth to a flame, simply
because
Nagi stood at the middle of it.

He had fallen, there was no turning back, it was all a question of being with
him or
not...and he had always known, he could not *be* without him. Licking his lips
he
slowly moved to put on his seatbealt and revv up the car's engine.

A careful drive back to him...Nagi...home...his sanity, in his world of
controlled
madness.

* * * * *

"Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"

It was close to midnight and he still wasn't home, a boy of 15 with none of the
innocence stood by the window waiting, wishing he had said nothing that
afternoon.
That he had kept silent even though Crawford demanded to hear of his past...the
way he
whored himself, just to eat. It hurt so much to remember and he wished
Crawford hadn't
asked him to relive all those memories he wanted to bury. He wanted to be
perfect for
him, but how could he...

All he knew was that the carcass has been broken in half and all he could offer
was the
decaying boy he was inside.

He wish he would come back, as the Crawford he knew, not just his leader, but
the man
that held him tight at night. The man who kissed him like he meant something
more than
someone to be used. The man he loved.

Beyond the cynicism of a boy that knew the facts of life all too well, he just
wanted
to be with him. Inexperienced with the ways of a *normal* life...both o them
misfits
in extreme oppsites.

He loved him beyond that.

He only wished Crawford would love him the same. Because he was his light, his
life.

* * * * *

"in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"



Soft Yellow.

Lights from his car briefly screened the garage before he parked and gathered
his wits
to face him. He would apologize.

Quiet as he turned the key, and he stopped as he opened the door, lips pressed
in a
straight line as he closed the heavy mahogany door. Uncertain of what he had
to say,
as he stood there, infront of him. Nagi holding a cup of coffee, in
anticipation of
his arrival.

He took the cup.

The boy stepped closer, snaking nervous arms around his waist and pulling close
to him,
kissing his chest, such relief at his return. The man put his arm around his
shoulders
and tangled slender fingers with soft brown hair, pulling him close, kissing his
temple.

A quiet apology.
One word. Sorry.
The boy nodded.
The man closed his eyes...lips pressed to skin.
And they knew it was going to be hard, but eternity lay before them.
They will live. They will be.


~end~

======
lyrics used is by Sarah Mc Lachlan
from her song called "Angel"
taken from the album "Surfacing" and "Mirrorball"