See Me (3/3: Zack)
Angelus
See first chapter for disclaimer, etc.
~*~
Sometimes I wonder how she sees me. Am I a caring, concerned, if slightly overbearing brother to her, or is it completely obvious to her the perverted, incestual man that I truly am?
I'm not stupid - I know it's the latter. I'm incredibly transparent. The X5's are supposed to be emotionless soldiers, and for the most part, I fit into that category. But I can't be blamed for experiencing a little emotion every now and then. When I do, however, I always manage to hide it under a facade of indifference. With everyone but Max, that is.
So sue me - I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Certainly not the first time it's happened. And it wasn't a mistake either. The mistake came from letting her know how I felt. I didn't even have to say anything - she just knew.
Ever since we were kids, Max and I have been able to have the type of silent communication found generally in twins or in couples that have been lovers for years. Part of it was required Manticore training that all the X5's shared, used in combat so as not to alert the enemy. But the other part just sorta grew out of nowhere. When all of the others were asleep, Max and I would talk. From Lydecker to the Blue Lady, we discussed anything and everything, and were soon able to share private conversations and inside jokes by just looking at one another.
It hurts me now to see her share that with someone else. Namely Logan Cale. I know he thinks I hate him. But that hatred stems from pure jealousy. Every day, he gets closer and closer to posessing the only woman that I can't have.
Yes, I'm aware of how incredibly conceited that sounds. It's not like I could get any other woman I wanted to. In fact, I'm embarrased to admit that I happen to be a virgin. Sex just seems meaningless to me at this point. Casual sex seems pointless, because its main function is to create life, and a little child with screwed-up Manticore genetics is the last thing I need right now or ever. So the only other option is to sleep with someone as proof of a love that I could never even hope to experience. I've spent so many long, lonely years fending for myself and shutting all other out that I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I ever did; Manticore not exactly being the best breeding ground for romance.
Max most likely would disagree. I don't know much about her what she did after the escape, but I do know one large difference between her life and mine: she has friends. Cindy, Kendra, Herbal, and even Sketchy. Friends are something that I can live without. Friends get in the way. I have no friends. But Max does, and she loves them all. I guess I could halfway understand where she's coming from, even not ever having experienced it myself except with my other siblings. But then there's Logan. She feels a completely different love than that that she does for Cindy or Sketchy or me.
And different than the one I feel for her, because like I said, I don't believe in traditional love. Lust, sure, and boy do I ever lust after Max. But no mushy, hearts-and-flowers kinda stuff for me. I love her in the kind of way where I know that there can never be enyone else that can ever understand me the way she does, because she experienced it with me. I know her better than anyone else - I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, sweat soaking the sheets, with the image of Lydecker burning through your brain; I know what it's like to walk down the streets with the constant fear that someone is watching you. And most importantly, I know what it's like to have to keep secets, even to the point where it feels like you'll burst if you don't tell someone.
I know that Max told Logan about Manticore, and she knows how I feel about her decision. I think she even told Cindy. But no matter how different our lives are, I knoe there are some secrets that she'd never part with. Secrets that are too painful to talk about. What happened at Manticore will never be shared with anyone other than another transgenic.
And so, Seattle holds nothing for me. Nothing except her, that is, but she belongs to him now. I've seen the posessive yet casual way he touches her; the way he glares at me when I attempt to do the same.
I'll probably be leaving soon. For now, though, I'm content to get some quiet time up on the Space Needle: her place. No, not going to think about her anymore. But I did leave my contact number in the pocket of her jacket when I ran into her at Crash. So when the time comes that she needs someone to talk to about things that no one else in the world could understans, she'll know where to find her. I pray to the Blue Lady or whatever deity is up ther that my baby sister finds peace and hapiness in this broken city.
~*~
FIN
A/N 2: Thanks to everyone for your patience. It feels so good to *finally* be done!
Angelus
See first chapter for disclaimer, etc.
~*~
Sometimes I wonder how she sees me. Am I a caring, concerned, if slightly overbearing brother to her, or is it completely obvious to her the perverted, incestual man that I truly am?
I'm not stupid - I know it's the latter. I'm incredibly transparent. The X5's are supposed to be emotionless soldiers, and for the most part, I fit into that category. But I can't be blamed for experiencing a little emotion every now and then. When I do, however, I always manage to hide it under a facade of indifference. With everyone but Max, that is.
So sue me - I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Certainly not the first time it's happened. And it wasn't a mistake either. The mistake came from letting her know how I felt. I didn't even have to say anything - she just knew.
Ever since we were kids, Max and I have been able to have the type of silent communication found generally in twins or in couples that have been lovers for years. Part of it was required Manticore training that all the X5's shared, used in combat so as not to alert the enemy. But the other part just sorta grew out of nowhere. When all of the others were asleep, Max and I would talk. From Lydecker to the Blue Lady, we discussed anything and everything, and were soon able to share private conversations and inside jokes by just looking at one another.
It hurts me now to see her share that with someone else. Namely Logan Cale. I know he thinks I hate him. But that hatred stems from pure jealousy. Every day, he gets closer and closer to posessing the only woman that I can't have.
Yes, I'm aware of how incredibly conceited that sounds. It's not like I could get any other woman I wanted to. In fact, I'm embarrased to admit that I happen to be a virgin. Sex just seems meaningless to me at this point. Casual sex seems pointless, because its main function is to create life, and a little child with screwed-up Manticore genetics is the last thing I need right now or ever. So the only other option is to sleep with someone as proof of a love that I could never even hope to experience. I've spent so many long, lonely years fending for myself and shutting all other out that I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I ever did; Manticore not exactly being the best breeding ground for romance.
Max most likely would disagree. I don't know much about her what she did after the escape, but I do know one large difference between her life and mine: she has friends. Cindy, Kendra, Herbal, and even Sketchy. Friends are something that I can live without. Friends get in the way. I have no friends. But Max does, and she loves them all. I guess I could halfway understand where she's coming from, even not ever having experienced it myself except with my other siblings. But then there's Logan. She feels a completely different love than that that she does for Cindy or Sketchy or me.
And different than the one I feel for her, because like I said, I don't believe in traditional love. Lust, sure, and boy do I ever lust after Max. But no mushy, hearts-and-flowers kinda stuff for me. I love her in the kind of way where I know that there can never be enyone else that can ever understand me the way she does, because she experienced it with me. I know her better than anyone else - I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, sweat soaking the sheets, with the image of Lydecker burning through your brain; I know what it's like to walk down the streets with the constant fear that someone is watching you. And most importantly, I know what it's like to have to keep secets, even to the point where it feels like you'll burst if you don't tell someone.
I know that Max told Logan about Manticore, and she knows how I feel about her decision. I think she even told Cindy. But no matter how different our lives are, I knoe there are some secrets that she'd never part with. Secrets that are too painful to talk about. What happened at Manticore will never be shared with anyone other than another transgenic.
And so, Seattle holds nothing for me. Nothing except her, that is, but she belongs to him now. I've seen the posessive yet casual way he touches her; the way he glares at me when I attempt to do the same.
I'll probably be leaving soon. For now, though, I'm content to get some quiet time up on the Space Needle: her place. No, not going to think about her anymore. But I did leave my contact number in the pocket of her jacket when I ran into her at Crash. So when the time comes that she needs someone to talk to about things that no one else in the world could understans, she'll know where to find her. I pray to the Blue Lady or whatever deity is up ther that my baby sister finds peace and hapiness in this broken city.
~*~
FIN
A/N 2: Thanks to everyone for your patience. It feels so good to *finally* be done!
