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Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.
ER::SCENE II
Sen Lin
The Forest
Zan Ton Quai secretly follows Chiao Tsan's transport through the wilderness, according to the orders given to him by his commanding officer.
Di Yi Tian Day One
We entered the forest slightly after what passed for sunrise, in the rain. The weather was slightly better once we were under cover of the trees, since very little rain passed through the canopy of leaves, but the damp mugginess and odor of wet decaying things was little better. I pulled my cloak closer around me, trying to breathe in the familiar smell of the perfumes of the palace and not concentrate on the trees.
Tomo had dropped his pace a little so that we now rode side by side. I wasn't sure if I liked this latest development. It had been better when he had been in the front…at least I hadn't felt the constant need to talk to him then. Riding by his side I felt the silence press down upon us. The dripping of rain through the branches was the only audible noise. The horses' hooves were muffled on the wet leaves of the path.
I glanced sideways at him through my hood. I couldn't see his face, as his own hood was pulled up to obscure his features and probably protect his facepaint from the rain. He wore riding gloves which covered his slender hands and long nails. If he had taken off the gloves, someone from far away could probably have mistaken him for a woman.
"What are you looking at, Soi?"
I jumped guiltily, a naughty child being caught in the act. "Nothing."
He didn't even bother to cackle, lapsing back into moody silence, probably running over in his mind a litany against the illusion of speech or trees or whatever he liked to think about while riding around in a forest.
I fidgeted. I hated silence. I glanced over at him, making it plain I was looking at him, talking to him, saying the first thing that came to my mind.
"What are you thinking about?"
He cackled. "Prayers for the dead."
Never mind.
He took in my silence and cackled again, softly, raising one gloved hand to straighten a fold in his cloak. All his movements were graceful, precise, like a dancer's. I wondered how good an opera performer he had been. True, the traveling troupes of operas and dancers were not exactly condoned in Kutou, but when I had been a little girl, they had been the only thing I looked forward to, the only bright spot in my bleak existence.
Maybe he had come by once and I had watched him perform without even knowing it was him.
We made good time in the forest, eating a brief luncheon on horseback while continuing on. I wanted to get out of this oppressive canopy of trees as soon as possible.
Soi made brief attempts to engage me in conversation, though I made it clear again and again I would rather ride in silence. It must be a female thing, to be constantly talking. She was one of the few females I had ever met, since females were not allowed in the troupe as a general rule.
Maybe if they had…
The rain stopped by evening and the sun came out, glancing red and orange through the tangled branches. My head was starting to hurt and I could tell I was going to be sore tomorrow. I had not ridden horseback for a long time, and even then never for this long and this far. Of course, I would never tell Soi that.
"Look," her voice came from behind me. "Isn't it beautiful?"
"What?" I growled.
"The sunshine…through the raindrops. It's like a rainbow." Her voice was strangely gentle, reflective. "Don't you think so?"
I didn't answer.
I heard her sigh behind me and then lapse into silence once more. It was a strangely uncomfortable silence…I supposed the silences before that had been uncomfortable too, but I attributed that to the weather and the rain. But still the awkwardness lingered with the sun. I'd always been comfortable with silence but now it was like a gnawing inside me…as if it was imperative I broke the silence and talked about something. Anything.
I hated feeling controlled by forces that I could not fathom.
The sun went down behind the trees and I could barely see the ground in front of me. The moon was rising, but with the thick canopy above, very little light filtered through. It was like traveling through a dark and endless tunnel. Endless.
"Tomo, shouldn't we stop soon?"
"Soon," I said, my voice sounding tired in my own ears. Damn. Maybe she would not notice.
But of course she did, pulling her horse up to mine. "Tomo, are you all right?"
"Leave off, woman," I said, trying to sound harsh and demanding. "My health is no concern of yours."
"I am not traveling with a companion who pushes himself to death," she said. I was suddenly glad for the cover of night that cloaked her face and mine as she tried to look under my hood.
I felt a slim hand on my shoulder, moving up towards the hood of my cloak, and reflexes snapped before thought took hold. My hand whipped out and caught her on the jaw. With a muffled cry she let her hand go. I reined in my horse, looking over. By some miracle she was still on the horse, one hand holding her jaw and one hand tangled in its mane.
"What the hell was that for?" she snarled.
When I spoke, my voice was cool. "I wish for no one to touch me. That includes Seiryuu seishi."
She didn't respond. In silence we resumed the pace, in silence that was much more heavy and awkward than before.
"We will stop here tonight," I said, my voice breaking the silence like a whip. She didn't answer but I could feel her getting off the horse. Her hand was still rubbing her jaw.
I didn't think I hit her that hard, on pure reflex and with no intent. Still, it was hard to tell. No one had touched me in a long time, and every touch reminded me of them.
She would probably not speak to me again, after that. All well and good.
After all, I didn't need human contact anyway.
I watched him as we rolled out our blankets. The ground was muddy and wet in the light of my small lamp, but I didn't care. I had not traveled on horseback in a long time…I would probably be sore tomorrow. Of course Tomo probably would laugh. I couldn't imagine him getting sore or tired.
He had certainly sounded tired…I had only wanted to soothe his headache. I knew the correct pressure points. Nakago had taught them to me, and I had tried relieving my own pains and aches more often than once.
Tomo could have at least told me he didn't like being touched before trying to violently attack me.
I watched him kneel, then rise, walk to the horse and pull out more supplies. I couldn't see him very well, and yet it was fascinating to watch him move. I'd never seen him perform any kind of work before, just standing, arms folded, cackling quietly to himself as other performed the tasks for him. Apparently he did possess the skills to take care of himself where servants were not present. He moved like a dancer, and his long fingers were a flashing quickness in the moonlight.
"Stop staring at me."
I jumped at his voice, blinking guiltily. How did he know?
I finished laying out my bedroll and looked around for some wood we could use for a fire. There wasn't much that was dry enough to be salvaged, and looking under rocks and between piles of wet sticks I could feel nocturnal insects squirming against my hands. I grimaced.
"Soi, what are you doing?"
I straightened, my small woodpile in my arms. "Gathering wood. I want a little warmth and light, even if you don't."
He grumbled something under his breath, and my eyebrows went up in the dark. Grumbling? Tomo? I would never have guessed him to be the type. He was the smooth and sophisticated seishi, vain, self-serving, arrogant. At times I wondered if he was even human, beneath the mask of paint.
I dumped the wood unceremoniously into the center of the clearing, applied flint and tinder to the small pile. In the growing blaze I could see him watching me, his amber eyes catching the light and reflecting, like some wild animal's.
"Stop staring," I said, feeling self-conscious.
He cackled.
I ignored him, marching to the other side of the clearing where my bedroll was and rummaging for something to eat.
"You can move over, you know."
"What?"
"You don't have to sleep that far away from me."
His voice was not mocking, it was just…normal. I analyzed it, trying to find any hint of anything that would indicate he was trying to make a fool of me. Nothing.
"I'm fine here, thank you," I said, going back to looking through my pack, My fingers scrambled blindly, my mind wandering.
"I'm gay," he said bluntly. "You don't have to worry about anything."
I frowned. "Why are you telling me this?"
He didn't answer.
I pulled out some dried meat and fruit and began eating in silence. Between us the fire crackled and I could see his silhouette through the flames, applying something to his face. After a while, he carefully put away whatever he had been doing and lay down.
It was quiet.
After a long while I got up, going over to put out the fire. His face was turned towards the flames, eyes closed, features relaxed in sleep. The paint had been rubbed off…so that was what he had been doing before. Curious despite myself I stepped over to him, gazing down at his sleeping form.
Even in the dim firelight he was striking. He looked so young, without the paint and the costume to hide behind, fine features almost like a girl's, delicate and perfect. I had never seen him without the paint before, and I doubted anyone else at the palace had either. Was this Tomo?
I almost reached out a hand to stroke his forehead, then stopped myself. A little boy…he looked like a sleeping little boy, like one of the brothers I had so long ago and who was only a faint memory in my mind now. I closed my eyes for a moment. When I reopened them, he shifted slightly in his sleep. A strand of fine black hair drifted across his ear and fluttered gently in his breath.
Sighing, I stood up and put out the fire. In the moonlight the clearing was a mass of shadows.
I had heard her hesitant footsteps coming towards me, to put out the fire, I was assuming. When she had stopped I felt her eyes on me, looking at me, thinking I was asleep.
I supposed I couldn't keep the paint on forever. Her eyes on me were like beams of bright light, illuminating my bare features for the world to see. I froze. If I had had the paint on, I would have sat up, snapping a cold remark, warning her never to come near me while I was sleeping. But without the paint I couldn't.
The loneliness came back and I could feel ghostly hands on me.
The firelight died and I opened my eyes, staring at the branches above my head. Across the clearing her sleeping form was softly illuminated by the light of the moon. Was this how Nakago saw her every night? Sleeping.
I sat up, hearing the night insects start to stir in the underbrush. I should be trying to sleep, and my body was telling me that I needed rest, yet I knew if I lay down I would not be able to escape into that world of oblivion.
Sleep, I once told Nakago, was an illusion within an illusion.
What had he wanted for us, traveling together? I did not talk to her, nor she to me. Yes, this was an important mission. Yes, I understood his planning for both of us to reach our objective. Yet he as a soldier should know that without unity, nothing would ever be accomplished. And he could not possibly expect Soi and I to come to a mutual understanding within a week.
The man infuriated me.
No. I would not think of him.
I ran a hand over my smooth face, my jaw. The wind was cool against my unpainted face. I didn't blame her for staring…I would have if I had been in her place. The sight of Tomo without his mask. Who would miss the chance?
I smiled grimly, feeling something twist inside my chest like memories. Yes, Tomo without his mask was a pathetic sight wasn't it?
I was such a child.
Di Er Tian Day Two
The morning was chill and cold and I woke up with the sinking realization that my bedroll was soaking.
Tomo was already awake, stirring up the fire and chewing on something as he rolled up his own bedroll and supplies. His face, I noticed, was painted.
He didn't say good morning, but I didn't expect him to. I remembered the sight of his face last night in the firelight…if I hadn't seen for myself I would never have believed that the man I saw standing before me was the same boy who I had watched while he was sleeping. Strange how masks can change a person's soul.
Nakago had told me that once.
We didn't speak to each other. I was getting used to the long silences, broken only by a bird's lonely whistle or some other mournful animal howl from deep within the maze of trees. I was aware of my soreness as I mounted, grimacing. Tomo, of course, didn't make a sound. If he was sore, he didn't show it in his customary expressionless body language.
We rode with our hoods down, and to my surprise he wasn't wearing the headdress. His long hair was bound up in a simple knot on the back of his head, the ends of the long ponytail hanging just below his shoulders. I could never have guessed he could put so much hair into such a small, efficient knot.
"It's done with long practice, Soi."
"What-"
He cackled. "I'm not reading your mind…you stare so hard that it's impossible not to know what you are thinking."
I rolled my eyes. He was still cackling as we moved out of the clearing onto the main road. The dirt was still fresh and loose from yesterday's rain and the horse's hooves sunk into the mud.
"This road isn't used often, is it?"
His words surprised me. I was riding alongside him, and when I glanced at him I found him watching me. "Not really. People don't like to go through the forest…they'd rather take the main road around it even though it's twice as long."
His expression was thoughtful. "I see."
"Why did you ask?"
"The loose mud. Most dirt roads are packed down hard, if used enough."
I hadn't ever noticed that. "Oh."
A corner of his lip twitched. "The things you learn from traveling."
"You were an opera performer, weren't you?" The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
He cackled. "Observant."
I dared a gamble. "Where did you perform?"
Amber eyes turned to mine. "Why are you asking?"
I hadn't expected him to respond. "I was wondering if you ever came by…where I was."
"Where were you?" He did not sound offended, just mildly curious
"In the south…"
"Probably not, then." He raised a hand to brush away a stray strand of long hair. "We were based in the northeast."
He lapsed back into silence but it was a comfortable one now, as the sun came up over the branches. I didn't ask why he had suddenly decided to talk to me, especially concerning something so private as his past. I knew how painful a past could be.
All of us wore masks, and Tomo was just another of us.
That was all.
"Tomo?"
He grunted in reply, shifting in the saddle. The sunlight filtering through the trees made red highlights in his black hair.
"Why do you paint your face?"
"It's a hobby."
I didn't know why I answered her, why I felt the compunction to give a response, any response, to her question that should have pierced me to the heart.
She looked at me. "You're lying."
"Maybe."
I didn't know why I felt no offense. I had killed people before for daring to ask me that…and yet I rode silently by her side, taking it all in stride this time.
Perhaps I was just tired.
"I see," she murmured, making no further comment. I turned my face away so she wouldn't see it, hearing the voice of my teacher in my mind.
Red for loyalty, black for courage. Blue for intelligence, white for evil. And gold for the gods.
Why, indeed?
I would have made a very poor god.
Nakago had told me that, when we were sitting there discussing the plans for this journey.
Are you ready for this, Tomo?
Yes, Nakago-sama.
You sound tired.
Not all of us can be gods, Nakago-sama.
You would have made a very poor god.
There was a song I had learned once about a poor boy who had tried to cross the river to his home during a flood and drowned. A peasant's song, learned when I was very young to train my voice and to pass the time.
To think of it, I had not sung anything in a very long time. My voice had probably gone to rot, like the ancient withered opera performers I used to look upon with such contempt. I was just like them, used and useless. I used to poke fun at them with the other boys when we thought no one would hear, but I knew deep in my heart that one day I would be just like them, sitting there, hands gnarled and wrinkled, joints too slow to perform the flips and spins that were the signature of the jing's role in the opera.
I never thought that day would come so soon.
I wondered if I had that look in my eyes, too, the look of emptiness and hopelessness. Waiting to die.
"Tomo."
I turned my head slightly. "Yes?"
"Do you have a plan?"
"A plan for what?"
"When we finally get where we are going. The mountains. In order to find-"
"Miboshi." The name was strange on my tongue. The last Seiryuu seishi. The last quest to be fulfilled before the miko came. "I have thought about it."
"Maybe you'd like to tell me?" Her tone was of one who was running along the road of patience and rapidly reaching its end.
"Perhaps some other time."
I could feel her exasperation, but I kept silent. I had no desire to cater to her whims, and besides, I did not really have any sort of coherent plan. Yet.
Miboshi. The name was like a mantra in the mind, a reverent word on the tongue. With Miboshi the prophecy would be fulfilled, all seven seishi gathered in one place and the great dragon god summoned. When the country would be saved and the great Nakago-sama would perhaps have his wish fulfilled.
And then maybe there would be no use for me on this earth anymore and I would be just cast out to die.
We camped that night in another clearing, a little smaller than the one the night before. It was cramped, and in order to make room for any kind of fire I was obliged to move my bedroll closer to Tomo's. He said nothing as I dragged my blankets over next to his, turning my back on him and staring into the flames. I could hear him digging out food and other objects from his bag.
"You never did answer my question," I said at last, still not looking at him but at the flames which danced and jumped in the night. "About why you wear all that paint on your face."
Behind me came the sounds of soft scraping, as if he were peeling off something. "Why do you want to know?"
I didn't respond for a moment, folding my hands in my lap and trying to choose the best answer that came to my mind.
"Because we all wear masks," I said finally. "And I want to know the reason for yours."
The scraping and scrubbing stopped and I made myself turn to look at him. He was a strange sight. One half of his face was clean and the other half was still painted, giving him the look of a strange half-human demon or a ghost.
"You can laugh if you want," he said, voice emotionless as ever.
"Why would I laugh?"
"People always did. When I took it off. When I put it back on."
I caught the slight caustic bitterness of his tone. He resumed his scraping, the soft sound the only thing that filled the night silence.
"I would never laugh."
"That's what you say."
"I-" I stopped, thought about what I was going to say. One wrong word and the fragile truce that had somehow sprung up between us would be broken.
"I would never laugh, because…because I know what it's like. To wear a mask."
He continued scrubbing, though there was a slight pause in the perpetual motion after my statement. We sat in silence after that until he had finished, balling up the used cloths and tossing them into a small bag. Through the opening I could see what looked like jars of cosmetics and oils. He paused, and I could tell he was looking at me, weighing, gauging.
"Perhaps you do," he said.
Di San Tian Day Three
The third day of travel was as uneventful as the first. Nakago had warned us about possible wolves and other perhaps more unnatural beasts that haunted the forest, but I was not worried, and as far as I could tell, Soi was not either. With our seishi powers combined, we were more powerful than a pack of a thousand wolves or ghouls.
I fingered the clam in my pocket, keeping it close. It was foolish, really, to choose a clam as the focus of my powers, but out of everything I had tried, it had felt the most right. Feeling right was very important, as the man who had taught us dance had intoned.
If it feels wrong, most of the time it is wrong, and if you keep doing it you will end up killing yourself. That would be a pity, wouldn't it?
Neither Soi nor I spoke of the thing that had passed between us last night, but this morning seemed a little less awkward than the ones before it, a little more comfortable and right. It felt right. It was normal now to feel her riding by my side, sometimes silent, sometimes pointing out trivially amusing facts about the forest scenery to pass the time.
Three more days until the forest thinned and then disappeared, leaving us in the middle of the hilly Kutou northern lands, and then the mountains, where the seishi who called himself Miboshi supposedly waited.
I trusted Nakago with my heart and soul, but if he had made a mistake on location and this trip was all for nothing, I was going to be very upset at Kutou's highest ranking shogun.
"The birds are quiet this morning," Soi said. "Why is that?"
"Perhaps they are afraid of us."
"No, really Tomo, I'm not joking." She sounded tense and when I looked over at her she was scanning the trees as if for signs of an enemy.
"I don't feel anything."
She shook her head, frowning. "I don't know. It feels wrong…somehow."
If it feels wrong, most of the time it is wrong.
"How does it feel wrong?"
"Like…" she trailed off. "Too silent. As if the forest is waiting…for something. Do you feel it?"
I listened but could hear nothing out of the ordinary. There were birds and insects and normal forest sounds, from what I could distinguish above the clip-clop of horse hooves. "You are the nature seishi. I suppose you would be able to pick up these things."
"Nature seishi? That's Amiboshi," she said. "I just destroy things."
"You are right, though," I said, ignoring her wide-eyed look of disbelief at my words. I wasn't about to be killed for ignoring a warning from someone who obviously knew what she was talking about, rival or not. Admitting that she was right for once would be far less dangerous. If it didn't feel right, it was wrong.
"We shall ride more carefully."
Morning passed, then midday, and then afternoon, without any sign of trouble or attack. Perhaps I was just imagining things, but I didn't think so. Something was not right. I could feel it like a tingling in my bones, and the feeling did not go away. Tomo did not seem concerned.
It had taken me by surprise when he had chosen to listen to my warning, but then again the painted one had been surprising me these past few days. I supposed it shouldn't be strange that he decided not to fight with me over this after all.
I would never have admitted it to myself, but I actually found myself actively enjoying his company. He was a listening ear, something I had never really had. When I was a child, I was the little girl in the corner, always ignored, always passed over. At the palace, things were not much better. Nakago heard me, but he never listened. I didn't know why I tried to give him my opinion anyway. I had never tried really talking to Tomo back then, but whenever I started to say something he would cackle and stalk off.
But now he was different, somehow. This wasn't the painted Tomo. I was seeing glimpses of the man under the mask, the boy who still existed somewhere beneath the falsehoods when they were stripped away, the boy who in my mind was forever asleep with the firelight flickering over his face and into the shadows of the hollows of his throat.
We stopped for the night as the sun was setting, on precaution from me. Just in case, to give us time to prepare for anything that might come. Traveling in the dark with potential and unknown enemies on one's tail, enemies who probably waited until dark to strike, was about the most foolish tactical error one could make. Tomo knew that as well as I.
He took off the paint as usual, throwing the used cloths into the same bag. He must have an endless supply of the things. Catching my look, he simply reached in and pulled out a large stack of thin rags. I smiled before I could catch myself. I wasn't sure if he saw, as he was putting them back silently. If he noticed, he said nothing.
I built the fire extra high that night, just in case. I had not had a good fight in weeks, but still I usually preferred knowing the relative statistics on who or what was going to attack me before I began any battle.
Tomo was on edge, I could see. "You feel it too?" I asked.
"Now that it is dark, yes. Before in the sunlight, I felt nothing."
"Why is that?" I wondered idly, drawing some newly learned kanji in the dirt at my feet.
"I work best in the darkness," he said. "As, I assume does our enemy, whoever he is."
That made sense. It was fully dark now, and the feeling of being watched had intensified. I felt eyes on me from the blackness of the forest.
"This will be interesting," he murmured, a split second before they struck.
It was without warning. Shapes in the darkness leaping out at us from all around. I surged to my feet, drawing my short sword. I saw Tomo had a weapon also before the furry shapes cut me off from him and I could only see the glowing red eyes before me. Claws reached out for me. I slashed and hacked, any sword forms abandoned to the simple need to kill as many of them as I could.
They were wolves, I realized. Nakago had been right. Their howls echoed in my ears and as many as I felled, they kept coming. Leaping. Something caught me in the face. I fell, stabbing upwards. A mournful wail as the animal collapsed on me. Warm blood. I tasted it in my mouth and I spat.
Another attack. They kept coming and I was becoming tired, bleeding from small gashes over my face and neck and arms. A flying shape tackled me to the ground. A flash of pain in my arm. I dropped the sword.
"Soi!"
A hissing snake surrounded the creatures that were bearing down on me, teeth gleaming, and they howled. Red eyes unblinking in the firelight. I pushed myself up from the ground, ignoring the pain, grabbing a branch from the fire, facing the wolves. Something hit me in the back and I fell crashing to the ground once more.
The thing on me was astonishingly heavy for a wolf. I twisted my head, trying to roll over and get up before it could get a hold on my neck, and found myself staring into a face.
It was the twisted face of a man. Red eyes flashed. Long serrated fangs dripped with blood. My blood.
"Tomo," I croaked. "Tomo!"
There was a flash of light and the creature on my back was knocked off me. I scrambled up, dashing to the center of the clearing where Tomo was, holding the shin out in his outstretched hand. Illusions of snakes and vines tore through the gathered mass of wolves.
"They keep coming," he said. His breath came in short pants.
"They're werewolves," I gasped.
"Use your magic, Soi!"
"I-"
"Do it now!"
I closed my eyes, felt the power swell. I hadn't wanted to, hadn't wanted to massacre simple animals, unnatural or not. But I would prefer that to dying here in the dark forest with nothing but a pile of bloody bones for a memorial.
The electricity crackled on my fingertips.
"HAKUUJIN RAIHOU!"
The blast slammed into the gathered pack with full force. The clearing suddenly smelled of burned flesh and singed fur. Ignoring the dizziness that had suddenly taken me, I summoned Seiryuu's power again.
I tried to control it, but for some reason I couldn't see straight. The lightning flashed, shooting straight for the trees at the edge of the clearing. They toppled, in flames, straight into the pack of wolves.
The reversal was remarkable. The wolves fled, howling, the forest echoing with their cries. The still burning tree crackled in the middle of the clearing, now swept clean of any grass by the clawed feet of the wolves.
When I had looked again, the corpses of the dead wolves had disappeared.
"Tomo," I said, and then the white spots in front of my eyes burst and I felt myself falling.
When I awoke I was lying on my blankets, arm bandaged and feeling lightheaded.
"You're awake."
"I-" I tried to speak, wondering what had happened, but Tomo dropped to my side with something in his hand, rubbing it over my face.
"That stings."
"It will clean your wounds."
I swallowed and closed my eyes, feeling the vestiges of a headache. "Arigatou."
He looked faintly surprised. "You're welcome."
I let him finish going over my cuts with the cloth and then reached a hand to my head, deftly rubbing the pressure points. The pain faded and I pushed myself up.
"You really shouldn't be sitting up."
"I just hadn't used my powers in too long. I feel better." I showed him how to rid headache pain by simply finding the right points. "That's what I was trying to do that day when you slammed your fist into my jaw."
He smirked slightly. "Reflex. I meant nothing by it."
I sighed. "It's all right."
"You said they were werewolves." He had rigged some sort of cooking stand over the fire and was cooking something in a small pot. I could smell it. I had never imagined Tomo the cooking type…the man kept surprising me.
"We were very often without a cook on the road," he said wryly. "So I managed for the whole troupe."
"They were werewolves. The one you blasted off me had the features of a man."
Tomo looked thoughtful. Amazing how much more expressive he looked without the paint on his face. "Indeed. It appears our shogun was right after all."
"Yes."
He gave me a long searching look before going back to stirring the contents of the pot. When he finally spoke, his voice was thicker than normal, though I could tell he was trying to make it as light as possible.
"Do you love him?"
Of all the questions I had expected Tomo to ask, this was not one of them.
After a startled second, I considered blowing him off, telling him something silly or simply avoiding the question. It cut too deeply.
Yet he had asked it for a reason. I had to…had to at least try.
Did I love him?
Something I had asked myself during those long sleepless nights when he decided he didn't need me to come to him, the nights I would spend alone in my bed with the covers pulled up as if warding against some unseen ghost or demon. Warding myself against him, because he didn't need me.
I would not think of him, of his golden hair and blue eyes. Not here, not now.
Too late.
Did I love him?
I closed my eyes.
"Yes."
"I see," he said quietly, standing, the ladle in one hand, staring out into the night where the wolves had vanished.
"Do you?"
I wondered if asking that of him was a mistake, but it was only fair. Talking with him like this was like a dream, surreal, like walking on glass or fire. Every move was a dangerous one.
Especially this one.
"Yes."
"I thought so."
"Rather stupid of me, isn't it?" he said, running his fingers over the handle of the ladle, stirring again now. "You'd think after twenty-one years of life alone on this earth I'd learn…I'd learn not to do stupid things like that. Apparently not." He gave a harsh laugh.
"It's not…" I swallowed. "It's not stupid."
"You're in no position to talk." His fingers tightened on the handle.
"What do you-" I could have said a thousand things, to turn the subject. I had no desire to bring this up, no desire to talk to Tomo, of all people, about the deepest, most secret thoughts in my heart. "I'm in no position? Do you think he loves me? If you do, you're dead wrong."
"Don't try to fool me into-"
"I vowed I wouldn't think of him on this journey, and you're not making it any better!"
He just looked at me then, with those amber eyes usually so blank, and in them I saw raw pain as great as my own.
"Don't you think I made the same vow?"
I didn't reply, couldn't, stunned into temporary silence. The cuts on my face stung again.
"At least I tried," he said, picking up a small cracked bowl from beside the fire. "For what damned lot of good it did for me."
"I know," I said.
He handed me the bowl, eyes not meeting mine. "If he doesn't love you, then why do you keep going to him?"
"He needs me."
"He needs you, but he doesn't love you."
"No." My voice cracked slightly. "He needs me for what I can do for him. My powers, nothing more." I looked up, meeting his eyes. "I used to wish…hope that it was something more. Then I just accepted it for what it was. I suppose it's better than nothing."
Tomo ladled a bowl for himself and ate it while standing. It was some kind of stew. I tentatively lifted a bit to my lips. It was pleasantly warm and not bad tasting.
"Why am I telling you this?" I said, almost whispering, talking to myself as well as to him.
He sat in a smooth motion, as gracefully and easily as a dancer or a cat. "I don't know. Why are you?"
"You're mocking me."
"No." His spoon scraped against the bottom of the bowl. "I'm speaking your thoughts. Because we're both in the same situation, aren't we? Except you have him and I don't. I would do anything he asked of me, and so would you, for the simple illusion of being loved. It's all illusion. Isn't it?"
I forced myself to smile sardonically, though I felt like crying. "That's one way to put it."
"Soi."
I put down my bowl. I wasn't hungry anymore. When I spoke, my voice was leaden. "What?"
"What is your mask?"
I met his golden gaze, letting my tears fall freely now. There was nothing to hide. Not anymore, not from him, to whom I had suddenly and perhaps insanely decided to open the innermost parts of my secret soul.
"Nakago is my mask."
The next morning when I awoke he was already dressed and packed, waiting for me. His face was not painted.
Di Si Tian Day Four
After the werewolf attack we moved more quickly, in a hurry to get out of the forest which had suddenly become hostile. Soi was on the alert, but after several hours, she decided that the feeling was gone.
"They must have moved on," she said finally.
"Cousins of Ashitare's, maybe?"
She threw me a patient look. "Funny."
She looked much better. I had bandaged her arm and the cuts on her face and hands should heal without scarring, if my makeshift medicine last night was any help. I tried not to think of my own face, unpainted for the first time in years. It had been a whim, waking up this morning and deciding not to paint it. A conscious choice, because I didn't want to.
I didn't need to, in front of her.
Not anymore.
She had told me what I'd always wanted to know, and yet that knowledge filled me with a strange hollowness. He didn't love me, but neither did he love her. We were floating in a sea in which he was an island, grasping for land but never quite finding it.
Beside me Soi started humming softly to herself and I took that as a sign the danger was truly past. She had a fairly good voice. A little untrained, and just a little strange to my ears, but a good one nevertheless.
"I've never heard you sing before."
She broke off, coloring slightly. "I used to sing to myself when I was a child. Old folk songs…it kept my mind off things."
I didn't need to ask what kind of things. "I see."
She didn't resume the humming and after I moment I caught her looking at me curiously. "You used to sing, didn't you, Tomo?"
"It was a long time ago," I said curtly, grasping the reins more firmly in my hand.
"Oh." She sounded disappointed. "I was just wondering…"
"If you think I will sing for you, woman, you are mistaken."
"Just curious," she said. "Why don't you sing anymore?"
I weighed, considered. "Because…it is not necessary. Because that part of my life is past."
"I understand," she said softly.
I didn't doubt she did. "I sang because I needed to. Because if I wanted to eat I had to sing. That does not mean I enjoyed it."
"Singing should be something to enjoy," she said. "Anything…I believe that anything you do should be something you enjoy. Or else what is the point of doing it?"
"You tell me," I said flatly. I sensed where this was heading.
"You're talking about…about him, aren't you?" I didn't answer. "Yes you are. It's…"
"Funny isn't it?" I said, when she didn't continue. "You and I were used before he found us, and after all that, even now, we are still being used. Doesn't it strike you as ironic?"
"You have a sick sense of humor, Tomo," she said quietly.
"If I didn't think of it as humorous, I would be dead by now." I paused. "Why am I even telling you this?"
"I don't know. Why are you?" Throwing my words from last night back in my face. Then she smiled faintly. "If the world is all illusion, then this is just a part of the great illusion, isn't it? So you shouldn't worry."
I had underestimated her. I gave her a small bow off the back of the horse. "I concede."
She laughed. I could detect a slight trace of sadness and bitterness in it, but she sounded freer than she had in weeks.
"Thank you, Tomo. For listening."
"I suppose you want me to thank you, too."
"Well…" I caught a devilish gleam in her eyes before she spoke again. "No. Why don't you just sing for me?"
"Woman-"
"Please. Just once. I won't ask you again. Just here, in the forest."
I grimaced.
"I haven't sung in years, Soi."
"Neither have I. And I was never singing for a living." She looked hopeful. "Onegai?"
She sounded like a little girl, so lost and alone.
Children, both of us.
I gave with a small sigh, clearing my throat and then hesitantly beginning to sing. My voice was a bit scratchy from unuse, but the song covered a very small range of notes and thus I was spared from the horror of the high notes I would have had to hit in any given performance.
I sang the song of the poor boy that I had learned long ago, the simple song about the boy who had tried to cross the raging river to his home and drowned.
Reaching the end of the song, I dropped the last note, not looking at her. "I hope you're satisfied."
"That-that was beautiful," she said simply. "Why did you pick that song?"
The sun filtered through the tree branches and in the light they looked like gnarled hands reaching for us.
"Because I was once that little boy, I think. But unlike him, I was saved from drowning."
"Do you-" I looked over at her. Her eyes were gentle and sad. "Do you wish that you had drowned? Still?"
"Yes."
That night the conversation was less heavy but not any less important. We had to develop a coherent plan of attack before we entered the villages, a plan that would convince this Miboshi, whoever he might be, that it would be worth the effort to join us.
"Nakago-sama said he would be dangerous. But he didn't say how."
I had sketched a simple map on a sheet of parchment before we left, copying Nakago's maze of lines and symbols that he had said were the mountains and the outlying hills of the area, when he had showed it to me the day before we departed. The map was crudely drawn, but clear enough to be able to circle and point out important sites.
"He did say to look for a temple? Monastery?"
I nodded, tracing a line of mountains with my finger. The red nail polish on the long nail was beginning to crack. I should just cut my nails.
"Where the foothills meet the true mountains. I'm not sure if our seishi is actually in the temple or just lives around that area."
"He said a priest..?"
I frowned. "He did? He didn't tell me that."
She shifted, her shadow falling over the map. "When we come out of the forest we will stop at this village, here." She pointed. "And then what?"
"If my information is correct, he is a powerful chi manipulator. He may have spies there."
"Spies for what?"
"Nakago did imply that most of the outlying villages were at least partially controlled by him. It may be his way of asserting his dominance over the villagers and preventing any uprising."
"Controlled…" she trailed off. "I see. Should we split up, then?"
"That would be a bad idea."
"I don't see why."
Her sharp tone drew me. "You have a plan?"
She circled the village with her finger lazily. "We reach this village tomorrow. From here there are a few smaller villages before the hills end and the mountains begin. If he does have spies…as you say, both of us traveling together will be suspicious."
"And two strangers in different towns will not be?"
"If we split up we have a better chance of reaching our goal. If they capture one they cannot capture the other. We are both adequately adept in defending ourselves." She looked at me. "Do you see what I am trying to say?"
"Yes," I said grudgingly. "But Nakago-"
"He wanted us to stay together. But he gave us this mission, Tomo. And we call it from here. Unless you have another plan."
It made sense. But with the unknown resources this Miboshi had to throw at us, I was not so sure.
"I don't."
"Then do you accept mine?"
I sighed wearily. "It seems I have no choice."
"Tomo-"
I stood up. "Leave it. We reach the village tomorrow and we depart separately. You leave in the afternoon. I will go after the sun sets. It should take three days approximately to reach the mountain area."
"And then?"
"If you are near enough, I can feel your chi. We will take it from there."
"You know," she called after me as I turned to find some food from the saddlebags. "Plans always have a tendency to go horribly wrong."
"We are Seiryuu seishi," I said. "We have the god on our side."
I couldn't sleep that night, so instead I watched him sleep, his face peaceful in the flickering firelight.
He had cut his nails before going to bed and taken off the polish, saying that it was better for him to blend in with the people there. I didn't disagree. We were both dressed in simple traveling clothes, and although I missed my armor there was plenty of time for me to put it on again before we reached the mountains. If all went according to plan.
My plan was sketchy and risky at best, but it would have to do. Nakago had given neither of us any information on what manner of creature Miboshi was, only that he was dangerous. Very dangerous, if provoked. Whatever that meant. The Shin Jin Ten Chi Sho of Seiryuu gave information only in riddles.
Tomo's slight breathing was barely distinguishable above the whisper of the wind and I looked down at him again, wondering at how young he looked. Strange, how we had both become trapped in destiny's wheel. Strange how the past few days had changed us.
I felt like I knew him, yet didn't know him. Tomo was a man of many layers, like all of us, and I had only begun to peel away at the surface.
I thought back to his song about the boy who had drowned in the flood trying to cross the river to his home. He was that boy, he had said. Saved and yet wishing otherwise.
Secrets within secrets.
I rose and put out the fire, crawling back into my blankets. For whatever had happened the past few days and despite whatever would happen in the next few, I was glad. Glad that I, for however brief a moment, had seen him without the mask. Glad that he had seen me without mine. I would have never thought it would be him, but it seemed strangely appropriate now.
If he had been awake he would have told me flatly to go to sleep, that I needed rest. But he was the one asleep and I was the one lying awake in the dark, hearing his shallow breathing and my own thoughts running in circles inside my head.
The wind rustled the dry leaves on the ground and I heard again his voice.
We are Seiryuu seishi. We have the god on our side.
If the world was all an illusion, as he had said, it was a damn good one.
Closing my eyes, I let myself fall into the illusion of sleep.
San Cha Kou::The Crossroads
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