DISCLAIMER: *Sings calipso* Harry! Harry Potter! Me no own, so dont sue me! He! He belong, he belong, he belong to Rowling! Kick your ass if you try me!
(Harry Potter and the afiliated characters belong to J. K. Rowling, Boomsbury Publishings, and Warner Bros. Entertainment. That is all.)
Don't get me started on Quantum Leap...
(Also belongeth not to me.)

Rated PG-13 for language, a few deaths, and butchering of Ms. R's characters. Not to mention some jokes kinda adult. Not that children can't read them, but adults would understand them. Not adult persay, rather, grown-up, yes? (But then you have to be pretty smart to read HP, huh?) It also helps if you are a Quantum Leap fan... c'mon there has to be one besides me! No ....?

Dedication: This one is for The Evil Muffin Goat, who gave the best review a writer could ask for (or not ask for). *sniff* I love you man!


The Fic That Shall Not Be Named
by Mackenzie Thea

Chapter 2
The saga continues

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Dr. Laura pushed out the window is where we left Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lucius Malfoy, Draco and Dumbledore. Oh yeah, and Madam Pomfrey. But the story continues.

"I'm still sad!" Moaned Harry.

"That is as it should be Harry." Said Dumbldore. "For without sadness we would not know true hapiness, just as light can only shine in the dark, so can laughter only triumph through tears."

"Proffesor?" Inquired Hermione.

"Yes Ms. Granger?"

"When did you become so wise?" She asked cocking her head to the side.

"When I was younger I collected fortune cookies."

"Uh, excuse me Professor!" Said Colin Creevy entering the room. "There is a solicitor at the gate."

"Tramp! I thought Severus told her not to come back!"

"No sir, it's a centaur named Firenzey. He created a network of psycics, he says that the first hour is free."

"You needn't a psycic to tell you your going to die!" Said a voice from the side of the room, it was the Dark Lord!

"Voldemort!" Exclaimed Harry.
"My Lord!" Yelled Draco and Lucius.
"You-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named!" Yelled Hermione, Ron and Madam Pomfrey (haven't I written her out yet?).

"Yes it is I, and now I shall kill you all, even you young Draco and you Lucius. But first we shall have a, how we say, 'mocking period' in which I will attempt to humiliate you before actually killing you. In this time you will be able to escape and/or thwart any attempt I had made to take over the world..."

Colin Creevey looked confused.
"Uh... What should I tell the centaur?!"

Voldemort drew his wand and (da da du!) killed Colin where he stood, no hesitation, no long speeches, no tears shed.

"Tom Riddle! I didn't think you had the nerve!" Rounded Dumbledore now taking on the McGonagall stance.

"Don't call me that!" Yelled Voldemort. "That is not my name! My name is-" he puffed out his chest proudly "- Voldemort!"

"Oh wow! Well then, Mr. I'm-Such-A-Big-Mean-Sorcerer-That-I-Can-Scramble-Up-My-Name, you will always be Tom to me! No! Not even, to me you will always be TOMMY!"

"How DARE you call me that! Why if it were not for the sacred oath of the stupid villans, who dont actually kill off anyone terribly important, I would kill you where you stand!"

With all the excitement, and Colin's death, no-one noticed Harry who had closed his eyes and started to convulse. When he opened his eyes again they darted around the room before falling on Voldemort. He uttered two words which would tell anyone who heard them who was inside Harry.
"Oh boy..."

He heard a familiar sound of the imaging chamber door opening and closing and then the voice.
"Oh boy is right Sam. You leaped into Harry Potter, known to some as 'the boy who lived', you see baldy over there? Well his name is..."

Across the room.
"Oy, Hermione," Ron elbowed her in the side and nodded his head in Harry's direction. "Who's that fellow in the pink suit?"

"Oh Ron this really isn't the time for jokes! And it is never the time for bad jokes! I mean to say, The Dark Lord is exchanging inslults with Proffesor Dumbledore for crying out loud!"

"Has anyone ever told you how stupid you look in that hat, Dumbledore?" retorted Voldemort haughtily.

"Ha, All the time! Has anyone ever told YOU how idiotic you look when you sneeze?" Sneered Dumbledore, refering to Voldemort's nose which was only two slits on his face.

"Yes, many people have, but they have only ever said it once!" Voldemort said threateningly.

"Alright then I'LL say it again, you look like a moron when you sneeze Tommy!"
Was Dumbledore trying to buy Harry time or expressing sentiments he had never gotten the chance to tell Voldemort fourteen years ago? You be the judge.

Voldemort had an internal struggle.
"... bound ... by... stupid villan.... oath... must kill... bound.. by..."
Volemort looks in direction of the author.
"Please say he isn't crucial to the plot!" He screams desprately.

The author shakes her head sternly.
"He's my favorite character in play right now!"

Meanwhile...
"You got that Sam?"

"I got it Al!"

"Good 'cause it's almost time for you to be heroic, so of course I have to leave now!"

"Okay, see ya next leap!"

Voldemort looked around the room for someone to visit his wrath upon. Lucius? Too loyal. Hermione? Main character. Ron? Comic relief. Draco? Main villan, besides, too easy. Madam Pomrey? No! He was going to break that stereo type! Aha! There was his victim!

Voldemort swung his foot out to kick Crookshanks, but Harry/Sam leaped (no pun intended) out in time to take the blow, which threw him/them a few feet across the room.

Sam leaped out of Harry and into someone who died before he was born, maybe his great-grandfather again.

Harry was back in his body, lieing on the floor, wondering why his side hurt.

"Damn it!" Exclaimed Voldemort. "Thwarted again by Harry Potter! Will this thwarting never cease?!"

Everyone in the room began to laugh at him, even Crookshanks made a strange noise that sounded like a sneer.

"Stop it! Stop it or I'll curse you all! I will!" Voldemort tried to threaten them but it didn't work. He covered his ears and fell to his feet chanting "No... no..."

McGonagall ran into the room and turned Volemort into stone. She then place a sheet of glass over him, upon which she draped a tablecloth.
"Every little bit helps with this years budget..." She mutted leaving the room.

"Aha!" Snape burst into the room weilding a book like an exicutingers axe. "This book has Potter's fingerprints on it!"

"And now it has yours on it, what's your point?" Dumbledore said begining to eat an orange.

"It's from the restricted section of the library, and I think I can pin point the exact day four years ago that Potter touched it!" Snape smiled at his level of stooping. "Oh my! I might actually have him this time... I am lost! No more plotting, no more sneering... I haven't any idea what to do now..."

"I say we make him do the sand thing again!" Yelled Ron circling his hands around his mouth for better resinance.

"Ooooh, would you Severus? I didn't get to see it!" Dumbledore asked excitedly.

"No! I will NOT!" Snape repiled indignantly. "Anyway, This book can comfirm what I have sai-"

"Waaaaaaitt!" Said Filch barging in. He dusted the cover of the book and then left, his job being done.

"Darn it, now I have to find something else to hold above his head." Snape hung his head sadly, he studied Crookshanks for a minute but then shook his head and then turned to leave.

That it until Sirius Black ran in.. naked! He ran in, ran around the room before hiding under Harry's bed.

"Oh, Sirius!" Said Harry standing up. "You didn't!"

"I did..." Said Sirius feebly from under the bed. "It turns out the guys reason checks out, this was to insure he would pay the late fee."

Everyone in the room looked at Sirius funnily.

"Hey! In my defense Madam Pince didn't tell me WHAT I was doing until the last minute!"

Dumbledore shook his head solemnly.
"I'm afraid, my dear Sirius, that that ISN'T a good defense..."

Snape had a gleam in his eyes.
"It doesn't matter Albus! Black here has given me a new purpose in life!" He proclaimed proudly. "To find a camera!" He cackled, and it was a good cackle, before leaving, this time through the door.

"Damn..." Muttered Ron who had been hoping he'd do the sand thing again. "Well Harry, at least your not worried about tomorrow anymore!"

"Oh shoot!" Said Harry claping his hands to the side of his face. (Author is lobbying for Chris Columbous to direct.) "I forgot all about tomorrow! What am I going to do Sirius?!"

"Harry," Said Ron sternly. "He is naked and hiding under a bed from Dementors.. he isn't the one to turn to for advice."

But the danger wasn't over yet!

"It wasn't, I mean, it isn't?" Harry inquired of the author.

No! It is not! For in place of a proper Basilisk, no spell can turn a Dark Wizard to stone for long! And if you have ever turned an evil wizard to stone and had them remerge, you'd know, they aren't happy campers. Heck they aren't even campers. They have no touch with blissful emotions or the outdoors, and they, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, *Clears throat*

Voldemort remerged from his (da da du!) coffee table prison!

His eyes still closed he stood up. He shook his head slightly, pointed to the ground where there lay broken glass and torn tablecloth and said simply.
"Who did that?"

Everyone in the room pointed to McGonagall (she returned, by the way).

Voldemort raised his wand to hex her and she turned about and deflected it with the power of her mighty bun. (The one in her hair!)

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, shouldn't have tried that Tommy!" Said Dumbldore. "I wouldn't have gone against Minerva on a good day."

McGonagall smiled sweetly and let the Dormitory, triping down the steps. As she fell down each one the school silver fell out of her robes. I tell you the truth, it wasn't a smart idea for the Weasley twins to have left those firecrackers at the bottom of the stairs, nor was it a pretty sight when the smoke subsided. But no worries, the House Elves were there in time to clean up the mess!

"You were saying?" Snickered Voldemort.

"Oh Lord, I adore you!" Said Draco hugging Voldemort (**NOT SLASH**).

"Get away from me boy, the last time one of you brats hugged me, well, you took my heart and left me crying.. oh Severus..." (**I LIED**)

"And this time," Draco said proudly. "I took your wand! Harry get him!"

Harry ran to tackle Voldemort (he's short and skinny, what else could he do?) but Voldemort did a very gay hand gesture sending Harry flying back.

"Hey!" Yelled Ron. "You can't do that!"

"Yes I can, I'm evil! I can do whatever I want!"

"Nu-uh! You have to abide by the authors rules, Jo made so we can only do magic with a wand!"

"Oh yeah, explain the second chapter of the third book, and the second to last chapter of the first?! HUH?!" It apears Voldemort was related to Dr. Laura.

"I wasn't in those chapters, prat, and even if I was, HIYA!" Yelled Ron and karate chopped Voldemort where, on a better man, there would have been a nose.

Good idea! Author gives Ron a cookie.

Voldemort summons a few Death Eaters.

"I'm right here my lord!" Lucius says snidely.

"Oh yeah, forgot..."

Three death eaters blockade Voldemort, the middle one doing a split his arms held out diagonally, the other two with their outer legs high in the air.

Harry, Ron and Hermione, in black leather and cool sun glasses, opened their trencth coats to reveal many machine guns. They drew and shot their guns, and nothing happened.

Hermione took off her sunglasses and turned to the others.
"Of course, machines dont work here, remember?"

Harry was undaunted.
"Then we'll just have to do this the old fashioned way!"

Harry ran toward the middle Death Eater, jumped up and did a mid-air crane stance and kicked him back to Voldemort.

Voldemort, in turn threw him back into the battle saying.
"Fight for me boys! Die for your lord!"

Hermione, her sunglasses back in place ran and crawled up a wall escaping many a hex, before doing a sideways mid-air flip and landing behind a pillar (there are pillars okay!).

Ron did a somersalt and picked up Voldemort's wand from where Draco had droped it when he ran downstairs to place his bet with the Weasley twins. Ron did a second somersault and hexed two of the Death Eaters.

(**Author feels abligated to note that a mix of "Smack my bitch up" and "Set me free" was playing in the background. You get the idea how that would sound.**)

Voldemort drew a cane, he grasped the handle and pulled a sword out of it. He swung it and held it in one arm outstretched diagonally behind his head. (A closer inspection of the handle, just below the blade would reveal the ingravemnt S. Slytherin.) What was he planning? Find out in the next chapter "The Death of a Sorcerer" or "The Day the Dementors Came To Turn The Lights Out in Scottland"!

To be continued... Since not asking for reviews worked last time, I'll try it again not. You don't have to review... :)