The News from Lake Street
By Bald Eagle

Note: This is a fanfic of the radio show "A Prairie Home Companion" by Garrison Keillor. This fanfic is based on the segment "The News from Lake Wobegon" from that show. The last line in this News is taken from that segment.

News 11/3

It's been a quiet week on Lake Street, out near the edge of the 'burg. Last week up in the high school, it was a great moment for the class of 2003. It was the week that class rings were to be given out. Usually what would happen is that the rings would just be passed out to the students and that would be that. This year, however, the junior class (class of 2003) came up with the funds to have a Ring Ceremony, in which there is a ring breakfast and you get your ring that way. Never before has this been done, ever. The day that this occurred, there was a whole bunch of smiling faces, and the cafeteria was done up nice with blue and white ribbons, blue and white balloons, and plenty of bagels, muffins, and Sunny Delight to go 'round. To most, it was a fun way to get their rings. To some, it was a good way to get out of class for the first period of the day. I saw this as a way to get out of health class, for this breakfast was open to all juniors, regardless of whether you were ordering a ring or not. And so the music was playing, and all were taking, screaming, laughing. For most of the period, they called out the names of those who got rings. During this, there was that group of people who took balloons off the tables and popped them at random intervals. So each time a name was called, a pop occurred at random. They thought it was funny.....oh well.......
The McDonalds of the 'burg lived through an interesting event. It was a day that no one was coming in at all, it was very quiet. Unusually quiet. This was not a typical Saturday. Weekends usually are busy, but not this particular day. A woman came in with something on her shoulder. It was an animal. It was a bird. A parrot to be exact. It was a beautiful looking thing. It was green and yellow, and some parts had red feathers, just gorgeous. I was admiring it. Next to her was a little kid. This was a type of kid that was rowdy, and was screaming at his mother, and flailing his arms about all over. Unfortunately, one of his hands hit the bird, and the bird went into flight.
Oh no...................you can probably see where I am going with this.
It wasn't a good bird and flew in the restaurant, oh no. It flew behind me into the kitchen. Pandemonium erupted. The scene became bedlam. The cooks were screaming and waving around in panic. Some were trying to catch the bird out of the air, but just before impact, the bird would lift up and just escape. It landed on the stove. Not good. Upon feeling the searing heat, it let out a high pitched squawk, and jolted back into the air. It must have been scared shitless for as it jolted, the bird fired a projectile (oh yes, that type of projectile) into the opened and ready to be prepared bun of a Big Mac. Oh yes...........big and green, and white. Special sauce material there! Some groaned in disgust. And finally, it came back out into the front, and landed on the woman's shoulder. It looked calm and tranquil as if nothing ever happened. However, behind me, fierce shouts and curses..........................
Gate Night and Halloween came and went. Gate Night didn't wreak as much damage to the street as normal. There's a bridge near my street, and every year that bridge is covered completely with toilet paper, but this year, there was only a few scraps. Mailboxes would normally be filled with shaving cream, but none were harmed. I would imagine that no one was feeling up to it, with the recent events before us. Halloween came around. On the street every year at Halloween, all the kids on the street (and myself) play kickball. It's just a tradition that came up out of nowhere. It's usually the last kickball game of the year. Usually my team doesn't win, but I play for the fun of it. We play to 15 runs, or till full dark, whichever comes first. Surprisingly it was a tense game, The lead switching back and forth. The game lasted for the better part of 2 hours. In the last inning of the game, it was 14 to 11, the other team, with a runner at second. A base hit would win the game for the other team. A good kicker, Jim, was up. It was two outs, and he kicked the ball high and far, and was veering foul, but I had just managed to catch up and catch the ball in foul territory. Then my team was up. The light was fading. My little sister, Erin, kicked a line drive. This kid has spunk for an 11 year old. It was caught then dropped. She ran to first. Her friend was up, Meg. She kicked a base hit. So now Erin and Meg are at 1st and 2nd. Meg's brother, Kevin, kicked the ball to the pitcher, and the pitcher threw it to try to peg for the out, missed. Bases loaded. Now it's my turn. I am not very good at all. Usually I foul out. It was tense. I told the pitcher Jim that if I kick a grand slam, we win. He pitched the first pitch. It connected and it was a high fly ball heading back, way back, gone! I had just kicked the game winning grand slam, my first ever. The other team was glum, but afterwards cam up to me and said great game. It was a great game. Full dark had arrived.
Celebrate we will..................................................

That's the news from Lake Street, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

More to come next week....................................................