Fate copyright 1998 to L'Arc~en~Ciel.
Fushigi Yuugi and all characters are property of Watase Yuu.
AI:LOVE
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
A splash as Duke Prio jumped down beside me and bobbed to the surface, coughing. "You're right," he shouted, struggling to be heard over the thunder and the rain. "I can't feel any footing at all."
I nodded. "And with the lightning, this isn't going to be easy."
"I know."
Something in his voice struck me, but when I opened my mouth to ask him what he was thinking, he had already turned away from me, splashing over to where the other three seishi were standing, waiting for us.
"I was the last one, Phillip," he called over to me. "We can go now."
I breathed in deeply, feeling the cold water slowly numb my toes and fingers. "Where do we go from here?"
Hong pointed to his right. The driving rain was still coming down hard and visibility was virtually non-existent. Nikolas shook his head at him.
"Are you sure? I can't see a thing!"
Hong's eyes were closed, and he was smiling slightly.
"I'm sure. Follow me."
A new light flared to life on the monitors. I had no idea what that meant, but it was probably something bad. Grasping my flute in one hand, I pounded on the nurse call bell, and a harried looking male nurse came rushing into the room. I pointed at the light.
The expression on the nurse's face didn't change, but he turned and walked out of the room without a word. My heart beat faster and I felt faintly sick.
Footsteps sounded on the linoleum floor outside and the nurse rushed back into the room with a doctor by his side. The doctor took one glance at the monitors, then heaved a deep sigh, looking back at me and shaking his head.
"That's bad, isn't it?" I said in English.
The look in his eyes told me enough. He nodded once, made a sign with his finger to wait, then departed out the door with the male nurse.
Stephan's skin was warm and he was breathing, but when I touched him I could feel that something had gone out of him. Something had changed…and the man I had known was never coming back.
"Nakago-sama…" I whispered, clutching my flute to my chest like a lost child.
Because I was a lost child. Stephan had been my mentor and my guide, the first true one I had ever had, and now he was gone. Again.
Just like that.
Gently, I touched my hand to his chest, through the maze of tubes, and I thought I could feel his heart breaking.
Or maybe what I felt was just the last vestiges of splintered shards falling away because his heart had broken long ago when the woman he loved had been taken from him.
My mind turned back to that conversation we had had in his kitchen so long ago, about second chances and rebirth and Soi. He had forbidden me to call him Nakago then, because we were no longer the people we once were, and for him, things had changed. He'd accepted…simply accepted my declaration for a new start and a new life, and he had never mentioned it again.
I'd sounded so damn noble, hadn't I? When I had spoken so eloquently about forgiveness and forgetting. And I thought I had actually meant it, at the time. I had forgiven Stephan, the new man, for what he had done in the past…but was that the same as forgiving Nakago? If I was honest with myself…would I say I had forgiven Nakago, the harsh, cold, unfeeling, amoral bastard, for all that he had done? For sending me to my death? For taking my brother from me?
No. I hadn't.
"You really screwed up my life," I said to the unmoving figure on the bed, my hand still on his chest, feeling it rise and fall. "You know that? You lied to me, you stole my brother out of my arms, you sent me away to die. I should just leave you here. You deserve to die alone. Nakago-sama."
It felt good to get that out. I hadn't even realized that the feelings were still there until now, until I had said the words. I couldn't have ever said them if knew he was listening to me. I wouldn't have had the nerve, because I was still frightened of him.
I looked again at the face of the man who had betrayed me, eyes closed, breathing shallowly, pale and lifeless, and felt an odd hollow twisting in my gut.
Once I would have given anything to see Nakago lying helpless like this, but the man before me wasn't Nakago. He was a good friend, a man who had helped me when I had needed the help and had never asked for anything in return. He had shared his soul with me while I had selfishly kept mine from him. He had saved me.
"I-Stephan-" I said into the dark room. His only response was the rise and fall of his chest.
It's time to let go…Amiboshi…
"Nakago," I whispered. I could almost feel the shadows in the room stir, as if the mere mention of that name held potent power still. "Nakago, you told me once that though we were reborn, there were some things that couldn't be righted. Remember? You told me that everyone you had ever loved had died. You told me that you had truly loved Soi, at the end, and you couldn't see it."
I felt my voice breaking. "You said that you thought Seiryuu had brought you back to make you suffer. And deep down, I agreed with you. About you and me, but you most of all. My noble speech wasn't all that noble, was it? I guess I fooled you. I fooled myself too."
Gently I reached out, taking the flute from my arms, and placing it on his chest, atop the white bedsheets. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry, that it was time to grow up, but as the tears spilled down my cheeks I made no move to stop them.
"Gods…Nakago…I…I wish you'd say something. Open your eyes and look at me…or something. So that I know you're hearing me. Because you aren't hearing me, are you? But I have to…I have to say this. It's too long overdue…you tried to kill me once, Nakago, but you saved me. I owe everything to you. I…"
Almost violently I wrenched my hand from the flute. The silver metal glimmered in the red lights of the monitors.
"I'm trying to tell you that I forgive you," I said at last, the words coming choked from my throat. "I told you once long ago, but the one I told was Stephan BeauSeigneur, not Seiryuu shichi seishi Nakago. I'm telling you now, as seishi to seishi, that I don't care what you've done in the past. I don't care."
The tears had stopped, and all I felt was a deep, drowning grief.
"Please don't die. Don't die. I don't…"
There were footsteps in the hallway, and I stepped away from the bed.
"I don't want to lose anyone else."
When the phone rang, I jumped for it, and the voice this time was in Portuguese.
"Posso falar com Sr. Pedro Almeida?"
"Speaking," I said, hardly daring to breathe.
"We are calling to inform you that there has been no change in your wife's condition. We are very sorry."
"Do you have any questions?"
"No," I said dully. "No questions."
"Goodbye."
Whoever was on the other line hung up with a click and the rain was still coming down hard outside. I felt like crying, but what use were tears? Tears would not bring my sister back, and they certainly would not heal my wife.
If I lost her…
The phone slipped from my lax hand and I made no effort to retrieve it as it plunked down on the carpet with a thudding noise. How could the doctors be so unfeeling? They were trained to heal, weren't they? They were professional because they believed that life above all else was more important, and they wanted to preserve that life.
That was what I believed. I had been a healer, once, and I wanted to storm into the hospital, grab those doctors, and shake some sense into them. I had healed because I believed in life, had given my own life to preserve what I had believed was the most important thing in the world.
I wondered how many of these doctors would give their lives for their patients.
I was willing to bet that none of them would.
I walked to the window, touching the pane where the raindrops splattered and slowly trickled their way down to the sill below. Gray, even the rain was gray. Everything was blurring together in a monotone of gray, and I felt dizzy. I hadn't eaten since…since yesterday morning…when the accident…
I fell to my knees, my hand sliding slowly down the windowpane and leaving a ghostly trail of fingerprints to match the fine path of the raindrop on the other side. I stared at it, the covering of oil on the glass, like a mirror of the rain. My fingerprints, simply a duplication of the storm outside…
It has to do with us.
No. It was ridiculous. And even if it was true, even if the threads of my fate were tied, spun into a web with those of the others, I could no longer heal. It was impossible.
Suzaku…
"Let me go," I said hoarsely to the window, my hands still gripping the pane like it was my one hope of survival. "Let me go…I'm no longer yours!"
That's what I wanted to believe. That I was no longer the god's plaything, to be tossed about and thrown away like I was nothing. To heal all in vain.
The voice in my head nagged at me.
Was it in vain, when you healed Tasuki?
Nuriko…I couldn't reach him in time.
Was Shouka's death in vain then?
I shook my head violently, trying to force that inner conscience silent. That's different! I loved her!
Did you not love the other seishi? Were they not your brothers? You were a chosen one of Suzaku. You were given power because he loved you.
I didn't…
Were Chichiri's tears in vain? Did your last act mean nothing, when you healed the child, because you believed in life?
Mitsukake.
I raised my head and my vision swam with red light. Something exploded in front of my eyes and I raised my arm to shield my face from the brilliance.
Suzaku!
It wasn't my conscience, but my god who was speaking to me, showering me with a glorious rain of light.
Mitsukake, I love you.
See.
A thousand voices, a thousand faces. The child I had saved. Chichiri as he used to be, holding his hand out to me. Miaka, eyes closed and face pale. A golden-haired man lying in a hospital bed, clinging on to life. Tamahome shouting. Tasuki brandishing his tessen. Hotohori, on his knees. Chiriko, as Duke Prio, in the rain. A boy raising a flute to his lips. Amiboshi.
Shouka, her face beautiful in the light of glory.
The wild cry of the phoenix echoed.
You are mine, Mitsukake. You will always be mine. I chose you because I love you, and as long as you are my seishi, I will be your god.
Suzaku…!
I fell to my hands and knees, and a slow warmth surrounded me, built steadily until I felt I was burning in an eternity of flame. Without fear. Without shame.
As quickly as it had come, the light and warmth vanished.
I could hear the rain drumming on the roof and feel sweat trickling down my face. I was drenched with it, and shivering violently.
It hadn't been a dream…it had been real. The voice of the god echoed in my ears, and I knew what I had to do. Because the threads of all our fates were tied as one, and to save myself I to save them as well.
It was what any true healer would do.
I began to pray.
With a flicker, the power went out.
"Ah, shit," I heard Denis say. "Where the hell are the fucking flashlights?"
"Tasuki!"
"Sorry," he mumbled. I could hear him stumbling across the room in an attempt to find his way. Slowly, my eyes adjusted to the minimal light coming from outside the drawn curtains. A flash of lightning lit up the room and I saw Denis on the far side of the room, clutching onto a lamp.
"You big baby," I chided.
"I hate lightning!"
There were footsteps on the stairs and the bright beam of a flashlight found its way into the room where we were standing. Denis gave an inarticulate cry and there was the crash of something falling.
"Don't do that!"
I frowned. "Joe? What did you do?"
"He shone the light in my eyes! I can't see! And I think I just broke Taka's lamp. Shit!"
"Andy," Joe said, his voice quiet, ignoring Denis. "Miaka…"
In two steps I was at the door, grasping his arm. "What? What's happened?"
He shook his head and I could read the confusion and despair in his eyes. "She was struggling…calling for Tamahome…" He stopped. "Come and see. I can't explain…"
We ran up the stairs, Denis a pace behind us. There was a strange light permeating the air of the second floor, and I felt the urge to tiptoe as we entered the bedroom.
Miaka was lying on the bed, surrounded by a pulsing crimson glow, her hands clasped as if in prayer, her eyes closed. Her lips were moving without sound.
Oh gods…
"Suzaku," Denis whispered behind me.
"She's-"
"She looks like she's…summoning Suzaku," I said, the awe creeping into my voice. "Nuriko-how-"
Joe shook his head. "She was lying there…and then she said 'Mitsukake.' Just one word, just like that…and it happened…"
"Amazing," I said, reaching out one hand towards her, feeling the urge to fall to my knees. "Suzaku-seikun…"
A brilliant flare of light flashed before my eyes, and I cried out in terror. I could feel myself falling…and then being lifted up, as if on wings.
Suzaku shichi seishi Hotohori…
I opened my eyes to a face filled with compassion.
Do not be afraid.
"Uh…Steven?"
My voice was lost in the crashing thunder, and I raised it to a shout.
"Steven?"
"What?" he yelled back. He had taken the lead once more, as if he knew exactly where the hospital was. I had no idea how he could see anything in the heavy downpour, but I trusted him.
"Steven…look! You're-"
He stopped, looking back at me, and I waved a hand at him.
A blue glow surrounded him, hazy in the rain, wavering and strengthening.
"You're glowing…?"
Only when he pointed a finger at me with the same astonished expression did I realize that I was surrounded by red light.
"So are you…"
Something woke me.
Maybe it was the crash of thunder that had seemed to split my eardrums, or the pandemonium in the ICU hall next to the hospital waiting room that I could hear through the electronically locked double doors. Maybe it was both.
"I've need to get in!"
That voice-
"I'm sorry sir, but we can't admit you until you have a valid pass-the hospital is closed-"
"You can't be closed! You're a hospital! What if somebody was dying out there?"
I sprang to my feet, racing to the door, trying to see through the small window. It was him, engaged in an impassioned argument with two security personnel. Taka was beside him, looking wet and tired, but with the same intensity in his eyes.
To my shock and surprise they were both surrounded by a thin glow; Steven's blue and Taka's red.
"Let us through. Please!"
"Steven!" I yelled, pounding on the door. "Steven, I'm in here!"
I don't know how he heard me, but he looked up and met my eyes. "Yui!"
There was a gentle tap on my shoulder, and I looked up to see another security guard standing behind me.
"Ojosan…you know them?"
I nodded violently. "Please, please let them through." I was expecting him to comment on the light surrounding them, but he simply looked at me. Could he not see it? "I've been waiting for them…"
The guard smiled slightly, sliding a card through the electronic lock, and the doors slid open. The four on the other side looked as he stepped through.
"It's all right," he said, waving Steven and Taka through. "They have permission to enter."
The door slid shut and Steven was wrapping me in a hug before I could say anything. He was wet and cold, but that didn't matter, because he was here. I held him tightly, smelling the scent that was uniquely him.
"I'm sorry it took so long, Yui-"
"It's ok," I whispered. "It's all right. I understand."
"We had to walk through the rain-"
I pulled away from him, aghast. "WALK?"
"That's what I said," Taka mumbled. "So I had to come with him to keep him from getting into any mischief…"
"You could have been killed! Steven!"
He smiled gently. "But I'm here now."
"You idiot!" Tears filled my eyes. "Wasn't it enough that I've lost one friend tonight to some fool accident? I don't want to lose you too!"
He grabbed my hand. "Nakago..he's-"
"No. Well," I amended. "I don't know. He's in a coma…I think…"
Steven pulled me to him again, and we stood in silence for a while. "I'm sorry," he said at last.
I frowned. "For what?"
"For everything…for letting you down…I haven't been a very good boyfriend, have I?"
"It's all right," I murmured.
"No," he said, letting me go and holding me at arm's length, so I could see his face. The blue glow that surrounded him wavered and I could almost feel it seep into my soul.
Seiryuu…
"No, it's not. Stop saying that, Yui."
"But I-"
"Yui, I love you. I've always loved you. I'd do anything for you…and I haven't told you that. I want you to know that now."
Fragments of a conversation drifting back to me, the sound of a breaking water jar, the tight trembling grip of a boy I hardly knew and words so impassioned that I didn't know what to believe.
Yui-sama! You must believe me, Yui-sama! I love you!
"Suboshi…" I whispered. "I…"
The doors slid open.
"Yui? Stephan-"
There was a split second pause, and time froze.
I stood in the open doorway, mouth open, feeling the blood drain from my face, hardly daring to believe the sight before me. Yui was there, along with a young man who looked very much like Tamahome…and with his arms around Yui…
He didn't look anywhere near how I had pictured him in my mind for so many years, but somehow, I knew. I simply knew.
"Oh dear God," he whispered, slowly removing his hands from Yui's shoulders. His gaze searched my face.
I reached my right hand outward, moving in infinite suspense, as if trapped in slow movement.
He took a step forward.
"A-aniki?"
And then he was running forward, shoes clattering loud on the linoleum floor and I was wrapping his arms around him and we were both crying.
"Aniki! Aniki!"
"Shun…Shun."
It was him. It was him. The same voice, the same things that had made him uniquely him, the brother I had lost and then found and then lost again.
"Why did you leave me?" His voice was muffled against my chest. "Why? WHY?"
"Shun…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please…I…"
His arms wrapped tight around me and for an instant I felt as if something had left me, like half of me had been torn away and left empty, searching. Or was it that I had suddenly become whole again, after so long, and forgotten what it was like to be complete?
It didn't matter now.
I had my brother back, and that was all I had ever needed. Ever.
"Shun…"
Outside, the rain beat and thunder roared, but inside it was just the two of us, he and I, and I would never want for anything again.
"Aniki," he whispered. "Aniki, I love you."
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