Harry was running, always running, he had to get away, he
couldn't face what had happened, he had to escape…
Where could he go? Where would he be safe?
…Hogwarts.
The darkness seemed to chase him, the darkness, and the
voice…
It was the voice's fault, not Harry's… It was the voice!
Even though he knew it wasn't true he had to believe
it… it would mean too much guilt not
to.
Running, always running.
Harry woke feeling the guilt torment him with the
relentless nature of the cruciatus curse.
He almost couldn't bear to open his eyes. He didn't deserve to see the light of day…
he didn't deserve to live.
"Harry."
The voice sounded kind and gentle.
He wanted to force it away. He didn't deserve kind and
gentle things.
"Harry!"
There was more insistence this time.
"Potter. You must wake up."
A command, he had to obey. With regimental discipline Harry forced his eyes to stay open and sat up
in bed.
"Eat this please." Urged Madame Pomfrey.
Harry stared blankly back at her.
"Eat it!" Ordered
Snape from behind her.
Mechanically Harry took the bowl of porridge and began
gulping it down.
"I'll leave him to you then Severus shall I?" Remarked Madame Pomfrey sarcastically.
"Go and get some rest Poppy." Said Dumbledore from across the room, "You've been up all night."
Harry watched in silence as Madame Pomfrey left the room
soon followed by Dumbledore.
He realised that Snape was looking him straight in the eye.
"So Potter. It
seems we have more in common than we'd like to admit."
Harry stared back at him, his eyes devoid of emotion making
Snape feel uncomfortable.
"I think perhaps you owe me an explanation Potter." Said Snape calmly.
"But don't think you'll get any sympathy from me."
Harry nodded but remained silent.
The sounds of breathing seemed to fill the room, the two
wizards stared at each other, neither willing to speak but both of them
waiting… waiting.
Harry tried to search the Professor's eyes… but he found no
sign of emotion in the blackness.
~~~
Snape had just begun to think he wouldn't get a response
when suddenly Harry spoke.
"I killed him."
Leaning closer Snape remained as expressionless as Harry.
"Who did you kill?" He asked.
"I ran away."
Said Harry softly.
"I ran straight to him."
Snape suppressed a shudder.
"He t-told me…"
Harry seemed to halt as if afraid.
"Go on." Prompted
Snape at a whisper.
"the voice… told me to trust him."
Harry's voice had been reduced to a whisper.
"So I believed him when he told me… I am his protégé"
"What did he tell you to do?" Asked Snape concealing all trace of emotion.
"Kill them… Kill them all… Avenge the dark lord Harry! Avenge me and you will fulfil your
destiny! AVENGE THE DARK LORD! KILL
THEM ALL!"
Harry's voice had escalated and his imitation of Voldemort was
far too accurate. Snape covered his
ears with his hands trying to block out the boy's ranting.
Harry suddenly fell silent once more.
"I killed him." He
whispered closing his eyes.
~~~
"He's deranged! He
can't deal with what's happened. I
can't make him tell me what he's done, he just starts ranting. I can't help him!"
Dumbledore fixed Snape with a piercing glare.
"Severus. I need
not remind you how you were when you first left do I?" Said Dumbledore quietly.
"Don't say that!"
Snape jerked backwards in surprise at the angry outburst
from his mentor.
"Give him time Severus." Urged the headmaster his voice returned to its usual controlled calming
tone.
"I'll do what I can." Reiterated Snape, wondering what, if anything, he could do.
~~~
Having been left alone, Harry felt his mind drawn back into
remembering…
It hadn't taken long. Not nearly as long as it should have done.
Within a matter of days Harry had become convinced that he
was meant to be a Death Eater.
The Dark Mark had been branded onto Harry's arm. He remembered how surprised he'd been at
finding it a completely painless procedure.
Of course, most things about being a Death Eater were
painful. But it was almost as though
you weren't allowed to feel the guilt.
Harry remembered the effortlessness with which he'd learnt
the dark arts.
"See, you were meant for this Harry. It is your destiny."
The voice had never left his head. But he had accepted it. Fighting hadn't worked.
And then that day had arrived… The day that had changed
everything…
"No!"
Harry pulled himself from the memory just in time. Shaking and sweating he pulled his sheets
around himself needing to forget.
"I killed him." He
whispered.
~~~
Snape didn't go straight back to the Hospital Wing after he
left Dumbledore's office again. Instead
he retreated to his dungeon.
Amidst the almost damp cool air Severus Snape found solace
in the quiet.
Sitting in his office he could almost forget that he had to
go and talk to Harry.
Almost…
It frightened him. If Harry could be persuaded. Harry Potter, who had always been a steadfast supporter of the light if
not the ideal student, then who else would follow?
But despite his fears there was something almost comforting
in the situation… He wasn't the only one now. And perhaps, if people forgave Harry, which he suspected they would
(even if the boy didn't forgive himself), then perhaps they would find it
easier to forgive him.
Eventually the silence of the office began to grate on
Snape. He felt the sudden rush of will
power he needed to talk to Harry.
~~~
Harry glanced about the Hospital Wing, surely there would
be something there, something near enough for him to reach, something sharp
enough to set him free.
"You're an inconvenience Harry! They don't want you… They want the Harry they
know! And he doesn't exist anymore."
The voice had been urging him for almost an hour now, but
it had felt like longer.
suddenly something caught Harry's eye. Madame Pomfrey's wand lay on the bed next to
his. If he could reach it… He'd learnt
perfectly well how to perform the killing curse…
Slowly he summoned the strength and leant over towards the
neighbouring bed.
"Potter!"
The harsh voice made Harry freeze.
"What are you…"
Snape glanced between Harry's guiltily stilled outstretched
hand and the wand.
He was trying to kill himself, just like you did. That realisation stunted the words that his
mouth had been forming.
Harry glanced up at him slowly withdrawing his hand. He suddenly hung his head, ashamed and
started to shake.
Snape hurried over and flung Poppy Pomfrey's wand to the
other side of the room.
"You mustn't think that way Harry. Do you hear me! It won't change a thing if you take your own life. It would mean Voldemort has won."
The shaking stopped.
"You said his name." Whispered Harry.
Snape grabbed Harry's shoulders.
"It's only by coming to terms with what's happened that you
can start to make up for what you've done." He insisted in an unusually restrained voice.
"Like you did." Said Harry softly.
Snape sat down on the chair next to Harry's bed, as he
released Harry's shoulders he was relieved to see Harry raise his head to meet
his eye.
"There isn't a day goes by I don't feel guilty about
it. And I still find it hard to accept
every second chance I'm given, but I the truth is we have to do all we can to
make up for it, if we don't do that… That is worse than making the mistake in
the first place."
The honesty with which Snape was talking rang through in
his words Harry felt himself believing what he was told despite the insistent
urge to end it all, in the back of his mind.
There was a moment of silence.
Snape watched Harry, he could almost hear his mind
debating. Adrenaline had helped him
speak. He'd just told Harry what no-one
else had ever gotten him to admit… Not even Dumbledore.
"Harry. Tell me
what happened. As Dumbledore says,
acceptance is the first step to recovery."
Harry glanced up and nodded slowly.
"I ran away from Privet Drive. The Dursleys were in danger. I was getting more and more… angry I guess… Fate it seems threw me into the path of some Death Eaters. At least, that was what I was led to
believe.
I gave in, I became something I never imagined I'd be, one
of them.
The Dark Lord insisted that I was most important to his plans. It's ironic, I felt as though I'd finally taken control, when in fact I'd just given it all away.
I didn't realise it until that day…"
Harry looked up, pausing to study Snape's reaction.
Although his face remained impassive, Severus was in fact
squirming inside. His heart seemed to
be thudding against his ribcage harder than usual. It was so hard to believe that it was 15 year old Harry Potter
speaking.
"What happened? What made you realise?"
Harry's face darkened.
"The Death Eaters captured my godfather."
Snape nodded suddenly dreading what Harry was about to tell
him.
"Sirius was unconscious, just lying there on the
ground. I knew as soon as I saw him
that I'd made a huge mistake."
Harry was struggling not to cry.
"The Dark Lord told me that I would be able to prove my
loyalty by killing him."
"What did you do?"
"Wormtail held Sirius up in front of me and The Dark Lord
stood behind me. I knew that I would be
killed if I didn't do it…"
"Go on Harry."
"I killed him."
"You killed Black?"
"No… I k-killed
You-Know-Who."
A/N
Wow! I bet you weren't
expecting THAT!!! **evil chuckle**
It's not been re-checked this time so sorry for any errors…
I'm a lazy git, and I apologise.
Thanks to the riddles for your input… Aenigma Aeternus!
### Thankyou Section ###
Lin-z ~~~ Ah,
suspense… It's the only way I know! Thankyou.
vmr ~~~ I shall, thanks!
Ady ~~~ Woah! Okay! I hope this chapter calmed you down… although I suspect it didn't
really! btw I loved chapter 23!
Jess ~~~ I'm sorry! I hope the short wait was a consolation!
Creamy Mimi ~~~ Thanks!
Thankyou All !!!!
Love
Jona
xxx
