title: Confessions of A
Punk Ass Bitch..
author: Tempest
email: tempest@thatbitch.com
disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. No Copyright
infringement intended.
author's notes: This is just a parody of the whole sudden
Y2J heel turn. Where did this come from? Well, one night me and
Stephanie (SassyLilScorpio) were discussing it and I started
making jokes. And these are basically jokes from the IMs. They
were Dear Diary jokes, of course. Where did the Dear Diary jokes
come from? Well, I was looking at one my old fics - Diary of a
Diva, and it just sorta went from there. Some of it is made up,
some of it is factual. If you don't like it, oh well don't read
it. It's all in fun. It isn't meant to portray the truth. Warning
this story has slashy intentions. I like Chris Jericho. He will
always hold a place here. *points at heart* There might be more;
there might not depends on my mood. Thanks Stephy-poo for all the
help. KTHXBI - 'kay thanks, bye....
* * * * *
Dear Diary...
I, Chris Jericho, feel like being angry at someone today. I don't
know who, though. *shrugs*
Hey, I know, I'll look in my WWF calendar and pick a person. I've
already had a fued
with Chris Benoit. Now, we're like the bestest buds. Funbreeze,
yanno? Well, maybe you
don't know, you're just a stupid diary. Ummm...Trish Stratus. Oh
yuck, no! She's a stoopid
girl, but I fight with Stephie-poo all the time. That's
different's; she's a ho. She's not a real girl.
Oooooohhhh, The Rock. I fueded once with him before. He was a lot
of fun, and since I have nothing
better to do, I chose him. Forget build up, let's just get to the
action.I'll just start hating him cause
I got to fight him. The Rock *swoons* It's like falling in love
all over again. KTHXBI
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
Dear Diary (dot dot dot)
Aren't I creative? I took a big drink of Haterade, today. I feel
refreshed now and ready to start my day. I
think I'll go put The Rock in the Walls of Jericho 50 times in a
row for no apparent reason. I don't know maybe
I enjoy seeing The Rock...wringing in pain... muscles bulging...his
face all sweaty... with those tight black trunks on..
Is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me? I guess I'd better
let up a window or sumthin', huh? Ahhh,
much better. Anyhoo..Last week, I , Chris Jericho, hit The Rock
over the head with a chair 3 times, and
I gave him The Rock Bottom twice. * nods* I'm off to have fun
with The Rock now, diary. Don't wait up for me.
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
P.S. We should really stop calling you diary. I think we're
friends now, no need to be so formal. You need a real
name. Hmm... how about Kittarella Constance Jericho? I'll call
you Kitty for short. I knew you would like it. *kisses*
Dear Kitty,
I remember when I first met The Rock, two years ago. That's when
I graced the WWF world with my unforetold beauty. I put my
hair up in my spiffiest ponytail. You know the messy one that
sits on top of my head. That makes me look ultasexy. *gawr*
Fernando
did it for me, he made sure all the strands fell in the right
place. I put on my prettiest shirt strategically opened across my
chest (to show off my muscles), and of course I made sure I was
nicely oiled down. You never know when you'll meet that
significant other,
so, I had to look my best. My countdown started in the middle of
one of The Rock's memorable speeches. Don't ask me what he was
talking
about Kitty, I can't for the life of me remember, but there he
was the man I love to hate standing in the ring. Anyhow, when I
started
to speak, the crowd started to chant "Rocky, Rocky, Rocky..."
or were they saying "Cocky, Cocky, Cocky..."? Kitty,
you said COCK.
I'm going to have to wash your mouth out with soap. The Rock
really is a cocky bastard, though... or were they talking about
me? *cries*
I'm so confused now. I've got to go. My hair is getting limp from
all this heat and humidity. *screams* God, when it did it get so
hot? Vince really needs
to do something about the A/C in these places he drags us too.
It's hotter than a virgin in a whore house in here. Look what you
did.
You're corrupting my impressionable mind, Kitty. *giggles*
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
Dear Kitty...
*sniff* Something bbbbaaaaddd happened last night. I mean really
awful. I was putting The Rock in the Walls of
Jericho (that's me). It looks so totally painful. Anyway... A
STOOPID REFEREE PULLED MY HAIR! *screams* He messed up my
beautiful mane, but here's the icing on the cake. Instead of
worrying about me and my beautiful golden locks (which
rivals Goldilocks, you know the girl from that fairy tale), they
were worried about The Rock. *double screams* What
about me, *pouts* what about Jericho? *tee-hee* I sound like
Raven. See I can be deep. I'm off now, Kitty. I have an appt.
with my hairdresser, Fernando. He's going to put my locks back in
tip-top condition. I have to be beautiful for
all the Jerichoholics out there.
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
P.S. Do you think The Rock thought I was cute with my hair all
dishevaled? Do you think he was thinking aboout how sexy I looked
and
wondered if I looked like that in the mornings? Do you think he
digs the whole sexy straight outta bed look, Kitty? Answer me,
damn you. What did you call me? I HATE YOU! I'M NEVER TALKING TO
YOU AGAIN!
Dear Kitty...
Okay, I forgive you for calling me a bitch in heat. Oh, oh, oh!
He talked to me today *squeal*. It reminds me of that time before
Invasion ended and he let me touch his hand.. and then.. and then...
HE TOUCHED MY HAND BACK. *drools* Anyway, today, I was
walking down the hallway, and it was really narrow and he was
like "Excuse me, punk ass bitch. You're in The Rock's way."
Isn't that
kEwLiEz? Of course, I responded with a comeback. "Maybe
you're in Jericho's way, bitch." Then he stared me down and
walked away.
*falls over* But you know just because he talked to me that
doesn't mean anything. I'm so not into The People's Strudel. I'm
into chicks.
Yeah, all the way. I do! Remember Chyna? She was such a manbeast,
but she looked pretty hot in that leather, and when she flexed
her
muscles I turned into a puddle of goo. *swoons* See, I told you
totally hetarho...er....haterho....het-er-o-sex-u-al. Wow, that
was a
big word and really hard to spell. Gay is easier to spell. And
then there's my Stephie-poo. She's not a real girl, but she's
close to one.. or are hos just considered
people? I don't know. She looks similar to a girl, though. Trish
is pretty cute...ew... yuck no! What are you letting me say? Edge
is pretty.
Wait, that isn't right. Edge isn't a girl, but he has pretty
teeth and nice hair. He should have been a girl. Stacey Keibler
is only 1/4 a person.
How can I judge just 1/4 of a person? She's nothing but bones and
legs. She had pretty sickly looking legs at that. LITA! Now, I
know she's a girl. I don't
know about her being cute girl, but she's nice to me. But then
again, she might be a really nice looking man. Then why would
Matt be dating her.
Hmmmm... this is making my head hurt *holds head* Anyway enough
about that, just because I think about The Rock all the time
doesn't mean
anything. Just because I made sure my hair was in place before I
bumped into him doesn't mean a damn thing. It just means I wanted
to look good
and impress him. We are fueding, duh. I want him to be jealous. I
want him to be like, "Dayum, that Jericho is one fine dude."
That's all Kitty.
Did I mention this was just like falling in love all over again?
I did, didn't I? *double squeals*
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris (Mrs. Rock) Jericho
Dear Kitty...
I fought the 'Big Red Machine' tonight. I imagined he was The
Rock. It was hard considering that Kane is so big. I kept trying
to lock in the
Walls of Jericho, but have you seen this man's legs Kitty?
THEY'RE HUGE! *screams* So after a lot of attempts, I finally
locked the Walls in.
Then I put him in the Walls again for no apparent reason just
because I'm Chris Jericho, and he's Kane. *thinks* I don't have a
real fued
with Kane. I don't think The Undertaker is going like that much.
I might want to look out for him. He'll really kill me. He's a
big meanie.
Vince put me in that match. He said I had a massive ego. Can you
believe that man? He accused I, Chris Jericho, of having a
massive ego.
What about The Rock? The Rock has a massive ego bigger than mine
if you really think about it.
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
Dear Kitty...
I hate that stoopid Rob Van Dam. He teamed up with The Rock
against me and the Dudleys. He got to touch The Rock
all night. No Fair. It's not so fun being heel. Once upon a time
it was me in RVD's shoes. I can't believe The Rock
replaced me with RVD. I can't believe he even found someone to
replace me so quickly. I saw him flirting with RVD
earlier. *sigh* I am so jealous. Talk about a lowblow to my ego *cries*
The Dudleys were my partners (of course dot dot dot)
D'Von would be pretty hot if lost the glasses, same goes for Buh
Buh-Ray. I mean..geez haven't they ever heard of
contacts? When you're teaming with Jericho you must be as
beautiful as Jericho. Who betta than Jericho? *tee-hee*
I made a funny, hope Kanyon doesn't mind. Oh, I forgot, CHRIS
KANYON IS OUT OF A JOB. *sticks tongue out* The Rock
wants me, I know it. He wants my sexy body. I saw him standing on
the apron looking at my too sexy body. I could
literally see the drool forming at his mouth as I, Chris Jericho,
stood there on the opposite side. I gave The Rock the
beating of his life. I even did The Rock Bottom on him to put the
exclamation point on the sentence. Then, I did his sniffing
thing cause that's hot, and I wanted to taunt him. It'll make him
want me more. Aren't I a tease, Kitty? 'Night.
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
Dear Kitty...
Today was a very bad day. *cries* First of all, I didn't get to
see The Rock, be still my beating heart. Then...JERK ANGLE TRIED
TO TALK TO ME. I was walking down the hallway with Jeff Hardy.
The only man as beautiful as Jericho himself. We were
talking about fashion. Then we saw Angle coming from the
oppositedirection. Jeff made the comment "How can he live in
those wind pants? They're so 1992." *laughs* That Jeff
shoulda been a comedian. Then I said "And let's not forget
that
swoosh, swoosh sound they make, that's tre embarrassing."
Anyhow... when he saw us he said "Jericho, can I speak to
you?" Jeff left giggling. I put on my best bored look to let
him know I wasn't interested. I mean... what makes him thinks
he's good enough for me? He's such a dork, and Jericho and dork
do not go hand in hand. *cringes* He congratulated me
on beating The Rock. *sigh* Small talk, from small people, how
passe. I kept looking over his shoulder hoping I would spot
The Rock. Where was he? He was in the people's dressing room of
course. Duh, Kitty. I guess DORK ANGEL noticed cause
he was like "Are you looking for someone." and I went
"No." in my best bored voice. He looked at me kinda
funny, and he was
like "I gotta go." Why do such trivial people waste my
time? *rolls eyes* I've decided when I see The Rock again I'm
going to
attack him for standing me up. You don't keep Jericho waiting.Maybe,
I'll even put him in the Walls in Jericho again. Did I
say maybe? I meant definitely.
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
Dear Kittarella....
Yeah, I felt like calling you by your given name. Isn't it cute?
You're like the sister I never had. I tell you everything.
*tee-hee* I know you won't tell. *cries* Why won't Rob Van Dam
die already? I saw The Rock flirting with him again.
I hate Rob Van Dam. I hate The Rock. Why can't they see that...
Chris Jericho is the whole f'n show? Haha I stole
Rob's catch phrase. That's what he gets for being a fucking prick
and getting into business he shouldn't. I hate
the way he talks. He's so spaced out. I think he *looks around*
smokes weed. He talks just like stoner. It's all
spaced out sounded. "Hey Dude....gnarly......I think I need
another joint, man. Bitchin'......" What the hell is that?
He can't even make a complete sentence. I hate them both. I'm
going to make them both choke on their words.
I, Chris Jericho, do solemnly swear that from this day forward I
will terrorize The Rock and his bitch RVD. I can't
believe he's into the dumb, stonery type. What's wrong with me?
I'm available. *screams* I'M AVAILABLE!! *double screams*
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
P.S. I wonder what The Rock is wearing tomorrow, Kitty. I want to
color cordinate my wardrobe to match his. No, not
because I like him. It will look more attractive when we're
fighting. I want to make the Jerichoholics happy. It shouldn't
be hard to find something that compliments my hair that
cordinates with The Rock. He mostly wears black these days.
I wounder why this is. What happened to his million dollar
shirts? Well, I'm really off now. I have to go get an outfit
ready
for tomorrow, and do my beautiful golden mane. Maybe, I'll get
Jeff to help me out.
Dear Kitty...
Today I wore my nice black pants with the purple barbwire on them.
I felt like opening my arms out wide and
tell The Rock, "Here I am in all my vainglory. Worship me."
Of course, it wouldn't be very ethical. It might
look bad on my part, too. *sigh* A boy can dream can't he? I
think I matched very well with The Rock tonight.
He had on his nice leather vest, totally shirtless under it might
I add, with those hot fitting leather pants
with his diamond Brahma bull belt.*sqeals* I know, right. I was
like drool, drool all over the damn arena. Even
Jeff said, he was dressed to impress, but then again doesn't he
always? . Jeff and I are going to watch the
Victoria's Secret fashion show. I don't know about any of those
other little anorexic bitches, but Tyra Banks
is grr, baby, grr. Jeff thinks that other chick is cute. I forget
her name..Evangelista...I think. I don't know..
I don't care cause Tyra Banks is GGGGRRRR. *laughs* Why don't
they make a Victoria's Secret for men? They could
call it Victor's Secret. I want my undewear to look good, too. *sigh*
Women get everything. Anyway, Kitty, I must depart
Hugz and kizzez,
Chris Jericho
* * * * *
Loved it? Hated it? More? Lemme know something *screams*
