Chapter 4: Explanations
Spike wandered through the streets of Sunnydale, marveling at how different everything was during the day. More people, more noise, more shops and businesses open. Everywhere he looked he saw people moving around and living their lives, completely unaware that after dark the town turned into a highway rest area on the road from Hell.
They were totally oblivious to the fact that their little town drew demons to it like moths to a flame. And they had no idea that the Slayer, his Buffy, was protecting them. Spike smiled as he thought about Buffy. She'd left him at the magic shop so she could go home to check on the Nibblet before going to a morning class she had at college, and he had nothing better to do except wander around town until he had to be back at the magic shop that afternoon..
It was interesting though, seeing how people in these times lived their lives. What he usually saw at night hardly included the normal people in town. Hanging out at the bronze was the closest he got to other people, and a nightclub generally isn't a great place to meet people who aren't stoned or drunk or both.
Spike was reveling in his freedom. Being able to move around in sunlight opened up a world of possibilities. Now, for the average vamp that would mean more people to kill. And it's easier to avoid a slayer in a crowd. There's less chance of being noticed, and nobody thinks you're a vampire if you're in sunlight. Well, those that actually think about vampires on a regular basis, anyway.
Spike didn't care about any of that. He didn't want to go and kill anyone. He did want to find those soldier boys and give them a scare, but they'd scarpered out of town a while ago. He didn't dwell on it, it wasn't really important any more. Being able to live in sunlight opened the gate to the one thing he'd been hoping for since he fell for the Slayer.
He could be normal.
Well, sort of.
He could sleep at night, stop being nocturnal. If he stopped being a creature who lived in the shadows, then maybe the Slayer and those bloody scoobies would accept him into their world. That thought did a great deal to the depression that had lingered in Spike's heart for the past weeks. He'd been complaining to Joyce that he didn't fit anywhere, so maybe this was his chance to belong. He knew that he could never go back to the darker side of the demon world. He'd betrayed too many of his former allies and acquaintances to ever be fully welcomed back into the fold, and he would always be treated with suspicion.
Being evil did have its merits, he had to admit that. Do whatever you want, kill whoever you want, live by the rules that you make up. Being the top man in town certainly got you respect. But what was that worth, really? The respect of lowlife scum and wannabe masters. People, or creatures, that would still stake you in the back the first chance that they got. What sort of life was that?
In Spike's mind, being evil had a bloody huge downside.
There wasn't the Slayer. Well, that wasn't quite true. There was the Slayer, but she carried a pointy wooden stick, and you were always on the wrong end of it. Actually, you were on the wrong end of it once, but that was enough. Getting intimate with 'Mr Pointy' meant you weren't ever getting back up.
Spike didn't like that.
He liked being behind Buffy when she went patrolling. He liked to watch her back. Something had changed in Spike when he realised the chip had stopped working. He'd gone out, still severely depressed and slightly drunk, thinking that the best thing to get his mind off the bloody Slayer would be a nice kill just to get his grove back. To reaffirm his place in the world he still thought he should belong to. He'd found a nice girl at the Bronze, and hit on her for a while, trying to get her to go outside with him. And she'd been just about to agree, when he froze.
He felt guilty.
Guilty for even thinking about killing. Guilty for all the deaths he'd caused in the past. Guilty for hitting on another girl, even though Buffy had just rejected him.
Spike felt guilt.
For the first time in 120 years, Spike felt guilt. He was developing a bloody conscience. Just the thought of it freaked him out so much that he'd had to leave. He'd apologised to the girl, and left as politely as possible. Politely. He was being nice to someone he'd just met, and didn't give a damn about. Realising that had just freaked him out more. Spike had left the bronze in a daze, his mind in complete disarray.
How could he have a conscience? Him? He was a vampire, a demon. He didn't have a soul. A conscience hadn't been in his plan when he was turned, and he hadn't even thought about it as a way to show the Slayer that he'd changed.
Spike was terrified.
He was afraid he was turning into Angel. What next? His soul? Not bloody likely, thank you very much! A soul? You could keep it, in Spike's opinion. If he ever got his soul back, he'd stake himself the first chance he got. He remembered what a loser he'd been when he'd been alive. He didn't want to go back to being that. His current situation may be pathetic, but he would never sink that low.
No, in his crypt that night Spike had vowed to himself that his love for Buffy wouldn't change him. But he realised now that that was useless. He had been changing from the moment that he met her, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Something in Spike fought against the changes, but something else, something stronger, had shaped him into the person he'd become. That, Spike realised, was the turning point.
He had become a person.
He didn't have a soul. He didn't need it, but he could still feel the difference in himself. Buffy had always maintained that a vampire without a soul was just a demon. Vampires weren't a people to her, but even she had noticed that Spike was different lately. She, in all her stubbornness to believe that vampires were nothing but evil unless they had a soul. She saw.
Spike's raw personality had won out over the urges of the demon.
He didn't fight the demon, because he was the demon. But he was strong enough to control himself, to know what he wanted. Spike knew he no longer lived by the bloodlust typical of all vampires. Even Angel couldn't control that. Angel didn't feed because his soul stopped him killing humans. Even after a hundred years of not feeding on humans, Angel still craved the taste, the warmth of a fresh kill. A soul only controls the demon, it doesn't erase the needs of a vampire.
The very nature of the demon that was Spike had changed.
Spike no longer craved the kill. He'd been sick the last time he fed on a human. He'd gagged and retched his guts up. The taste of the blood had made his stomach churn. The warmth of it, the life that still flowed though it, it had all disgusted him. He was a vampire who didn't like the taste of fresh blood. The very thought of it was laughable. And Spike would have laughed, if he hadn't been so intent on trying to keep the vestiges of himself alive.
He was afraid of losing who he was. Angel and Angelus had been two very different creatures, but Spike had never held the love of killing that Angelus had. Spike, despite being a demon, had retained some human qualities.
Spike still understood love.
Angelus had never understood love. He had had Darla, but that was more a convenience for him, as well as the attraction of the sire/childe bond. Angelus hadn't loved Drusilla either. He had been obsessed with her, and had taken her from Spike just to show that he could.
Spike had loved Drusilla. She was the face of his salvation, she had shown him his potential and made him who he was. That is, until Buffy had taken over. Drusilla had nurtured the killer in Spike, his love for violence and the danger of the fight. But she'd left him, and Spike had been lost. So he'd headed back to the only other person who'd affected him so dramatically. He'd gone back to Sunnydale, intending for all the world to kill the Slayer and put himself onto a path that he could walk alone.
But then he saw her again, spent time with her that didn't involve trying to kill each other. Buffy had appealed to the lighter side of Spike's nature. She'd made him look into himself, past the face of the vicious killer that he'd maintained for so many years. She hadn't meant to change him, but seeing how much she detested him made him wonder what it was about himself that inspired such hatred.
Spike had (metaphorically) taken a good, hard look in the mirror.
And he wasn't sure if he liked what he saw.
At first, he didn't care too much. So he'd killed people, big deal. Humans were a food source to him, they were what kept him alive so why should he give a bloody damn? Most humans ate meat, and they didn't give it a second thought. Nobody hunted them down for killing a cow.
Spike had to laugh at the thought of a bovine version of a slayer.
The chip that had been in his head hadn't changed him. It had simply been the means to an end. It had been Buffy that had changed him. Everything about her. Her light, and the way she controlled the darkness inside of her. She was inside him, flowing through his blood, she was everything he had cast away from himself to be what Drusilla had wanted. But Drusilla didn't want him any more. He was useless to her, no longer fascinating.
How did Buffy see him now?
Spike sighed. Reflection was getting him nowhere. He'd meant to go for a walk around town, and instead he'd ended up taking a trip through his head. It had brought back too many painful memories, and he still hadn't worked out why he could walk in the light. He hadn't resolved any of the issues that plagued him, except one.
Whatever path he was on, he didn't want to walk it alone.
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That afternoon, the regular crowd met in the Magic Box. Spike hadn't arrived yet, but Giles intended to start without him. Having Buffy and Spike argue with each other would not get them anywhere, and it would give him another headache.
They were all sitting around the table, waiting for Giles to say something. None of them really knew what to think. Buffy had grown used to the idea of Spike being able to resist sunlight, and Anya didn't really care too much one way or the other, but Willow, Tara and Xander were stunned.
Xander's reflexive reaction to the news was to jump up and shout "Quick, kill him!" half serious, half joking. Willow and Tara managed to control themselves a little more, but they were both uncertain how to take the news. Dawn thought it was cool.
Giles was about to start speaking when Buffy beat him to it. She knew that she needed to tell her friends what she had seen that morning in the cemetery, and she wanted to do it before spike arrived. Having Spike there would mean she would have to admit she was watching him, and then he'd know that she knew about his chip. Buffy didn't want to let that secret go yet.
Looking around the table at the scoobies, Buffy related most of what had happened in the morning. She told them that she'd seen Spike try and kill himself, after telling her mother that he hated himself - what he used to be, and what he'd become.
"… and the sunlight didn't hurt him." Buffy paused, trying to gauge reactions before continuing. "I talked to him, and he admitted that he hated himself, and told me pretty much exactly what he'd said to Mom. That makes me think that he was actually telling the truth. He really does want to help us."
Buffy had left out everything that Spike had said about her, but there was one other important thing. "I also told him that I would trust him, and I do." She said it quietly, almost as if she was ashamed of it, and waited for the outburst to tell her that she was an idiot.
She was surprised when nobody said anything. She looked over at Willow, who could see the question in her eyes. "It's okay, Buffy." she said. "I think you can trust Spike. He's been helping us for a while now, and when was the last time he asked for money for patrolling with you?"
"And he protected me," said Dawn. "I think that's good for trust."
Buffy nodded, and looked over at Xander. He was the one she felt was most likely to try and talk her out of trusting Spike, and he was occasionally right. Xander just shrugged. "I don't know, Buffy. I mean, the guy did try and kill us in the past, but he never did very good. I don't like him, but I think that as long as he's all chipped up he'll help us. We're the only way Spike can get his daily dose of violence and mayhem. How could he pass that up? We're too good to eat."
Buffy smiled at Xander's rather unique way of looking at things. Always make it a joke. It almost always helped to lighten the mood. Xander was indispensable that way. To Buffy, if Xander was joking around, everything would turn out alright. It was the sense of normality that he provided that helped to keep her emotions under control. If Xander cracks a joke, then the world isn't going to end anytime soon.
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"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles decided to speak up at this point. "So everyone is alright with the, uh, Spike… thing?" he asked. Nods came from all around the table, although Xander's was still somewhat reluctant.
"Do we know why Spike's suddenly able to be daylight guy now?" asked Willow. "I mean, is it just something like the gem of Amarra? He couldn't be killed when he had that, remember?"
Buffy shook her head. "He didn't have any rings on, and he said he hadn't done or found anything strange recently. I think this must be something else."
"It is, Buffy." said Giles. "I think I may have come up with something, but I didn't want to mention it until Spike got here, since I need him to verify some things." He gestured to the door, where Spike was standing. "Since he's now present, I guess I can start."
Spike walked over and sat at the table, and smiled inwardly when no one objected. "Explain away mate," he said, "I'm just as curious as all of you."
Giles picked up a book off the table, and showed it to the group. "This is a book of some of the most complex vampire lore. It's normally of no use for regular vampires, since they're all basically the same anyway. I looked through it once when I got it about a year ago, but it really had nothing that applied to our situation at the time. I'd almost forgotten that I had it until Spike's rather interesting new development." Giles noticed that Buffy was staring at him with her patented 'I'm bored, get on with it already' face. The rest of the group had similar looks on their faces.
"Anyway, it contains a lot of information about the nature of the demon that creates the vampire. You see, a vampire is the most impure form of demon. It is due to it's possession of a dead human body that causes it to reject things that are of a holy nature. It's not actually the demon itself that can't take sunlight or crosses or holy water, it's a defence mechanism of the human body. The original person may be dead, but the body will still try and reject the demon any way it can. Are you all following me so far?"
Everyone nodded. "Yeah, we get it," said Xander, "but what does this have to do with Spike? He's still evil demon guy."
"Thanks mate," said Spike. Xander rolled his eyes and Spike smirked.
Giles cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I was just getting to that. Spike, Buffy said you were trying to kill yourself this morning?" Spike looked at the table and nodded, and Giles quickly continued to try and cover the awkward silence. "Could you tell us why?"
"I'd rather not," said Spike. The last thing he wanted to do was explain himself to the bloody scoobies. How much more pathetic could he paint himself to them? He'd told Buffy, but even that was a much shortened version of what he'd been feeling and thinking.
Giles sighed. "I need to know, Spike. This is the only answer I've been able to find, but whether of not it's the right one depends on what you say."
Spike stood up and moved away from the table. "I don't have to explain myself to you, mate. And I'm not going to tell you why I did what I did this morning so you can all look at me and go 'poor Spike, he's such a bloody loser he should just go stake himself - oh yeah, he can't even do that right'. I'm not going to take your bleedin' sympathy."
"Sympathy for you, Spike?" asked Xander. "Nah, it'd never happen. And we'd never say bloody, either." Buffy kicked him under the table in a way that very clearly said 'Shut up or I'll hurt you'. She stood up and moved over to Spike and, taking his hand, led him into the training room. He followed wordlessly, and the group still at the table watched in silence until the door closed, blocking the pair from view.
"Unexpected much?" asked Dawn.
"Buffy being nice to Spike?" replied Xander, "Totally."
"I meant Spike wigging out in front of us," said Dawn dryly. "He's never done that before."
"Oh."
"I mean, he normally totally keeps his cool, or just gets angry. I've never seen him hurt or scared before."
Willow nodded. "You're right Dawnie. Spike showing emotions is definitely new territory."
"I think it's a good sign," said Tara. "I mean, it makes him seem… well, a little more human."
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As Buffy closed the door behind them, Spike relaxed a little. Until he realised that he was now alone in a room with Buffy, probably so she could get him to talk.
Spike didn't really want to talk.
It seemed Buffy had other ideas. She let go of his hand, and sat down in the centre of the room. Spike stood, unsure of what she wanted him to do. Buffy looked purposefully at the floor in front of her, and he took the hint and moved to sit down facing her.
Spike was getting nervous. Buffy hadn't said anything since they came into the room, and he was feeling a bit like a moron. "So luv," he asked, "what are we doing back here? Your friends are going to think you actually like me if you start being nice to me."
Buffy just looked at him. "This isn't nice, Spike. Trust doesn't necessarily mean friendship. We'll just get that straight now, okay?" Spike nodded, trying to conceal the hurt he felt. Buffy pressed on. "But we can be allies, Spike. That goes with trust. But until we know why you're suddenly not flammable in sunlight, it will be hard for the guys to trust you. How do we know you didn't go and sell someone else's soul to Satan to get… whatever it is you've got? We need to know, Spike. And that means talking to Giles."
"I didn't do anything, Buffy." said Spike. "You know I wouldn't do anything like that."
"You would have, once."
"Once, but not now."
"No, not now. But we still need to know why, Spike. And we need to know if it is permanent. You don't want to be walking down the street tomorrow and suddenly get really dusty. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"
Spike smiled. "Do you care, Slayer?"
Buffy didn't answer. She stood up and walked to the door. "Talk to Giles, Spike. Please."
Spike sighed. "Okay, I'll talk to the watcher. But only him. I'm not telling them." He jerked his thumb in the direction of the shop. "And he isn't to say anything either, or no bloody way."
Buffy nodded, relieved that Spike was going to talk. "Fine, I'll send Giles in. The rest of us will be out front." She opened the door, and walked out, leaving Spike sitting on the floor alone.
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Buffy reappeared in the shop, and everyone looked at her, expecting an explanation. "He'll talk to you, Giles, but only you. And on the condition that you don't tell us what he says. I agreed, because we need to know the answer." Giles nodded and went into the training room.
"Uh, Buffy," said Xander, "I hate to be the one that asks this, but don't you think it's a little suspicious that Spike won't tell us anything? I mean, what's he got to hide?"
Ever perceptive of people's feelings, Willow answered instead of Buffy. "I don't think so Xander. I think Spike was really upset this morning, and he still thinks he needs to act this the big bad in front of us. He doesn't want us to see that he really does have feelings. I think he's afraid that we'd laugh at him or something."
"What, for being human?" asked Dawn.
"He's not human, Dawn." said Buffy. "You have to remember that. He's still a vampire, although I do think Will might have a point. Spike was pretty depressed this morning. I actually felt kind of bad for him." She looked at the closed door to the training room. "I wonder what he's telling Giles. I heard some of it this morning, but I know there was something he wasn't saying."
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Spike looked up from the floor when Giles entered the room and closed the door behind him. He didn't know if he was meant to say anything yet, so he looked at the floor again and remained silent. Giles sat on a chair near the wall, thinking to leave Spike his space in the centre of the room. He didn't say anything, but waited until Spike was ready to talk.
"This goes nowhere, right Watcher?" asked Spike.
"Of course. I won't repeat a word, if that's what you want. We just need an answer." replied Giles.
So do I, mate. So do I. This not knowin' and all that, it's driving me crazy." Spike sighed. "Okay, well, it's like this. I tried to kill myself because there's nothing left for me on this world. I'm a vampire who doesn't like the taste of human blood, I'm a vampire who's in love with a Slayer. A bleedin' Slayer for god's sake! Me! I'm meant to be a bloody master vampire, and I'm even more of a ponce that my bleedin' sire. At least he has a soul for an excuse. What have I got? A bloody chip! That shouldn't have turned me into this.
"I tried to die because I hate myself. The person I love more than anything in the world hates me, and I don't belong anywhere any more. I can't be evil, because I've betrayed too many demons and the like to ever be allowed back. And I can't be good and fight with you lot, because you don't believe that you can trust me. I don't want to be evil any more, and I'm sick of the entire eternal life thing. It sounded great when Dru suggested it, but now I'm alone, and I always will be.
"I don't want to be alone, Watcher. I want to have friends, like the Slayer does. But that'll never happen, you know? Who wants to be friends with a useless vampire? I knew that you lot will never accept me, accept that I was willing to be good. So I figured that if I killed myself, at least I would be doing something right. If I die, the demon that I am dies too. And that's doing the world a service, don't you think?"
Giles didn't know what to say. He had expected most of what Spike had said, but he was surprised by the sadness and bitterness in his voice. He hadn't known that Spike's feelings had run that deep. He was still trying to get used to the idea that Spike was capable of human emotions. But one thing Spike had said shocked him more than all the emotion.
"You don't like the taste of human blood? How do you know? You shouldn't have been able to feed since you got that chip."
Spike shook his head. "When Dru came back… when I chained up Buffy…" he paused, swallowing guilt at his stupidity. "She killed a girl for me, so I could feed. I let her, because… well, the Slayer had just… sod it, I'm not going to explain what she'd just done to me, but Dru had saved me once. I thought maybe she could do it again." Spike sighed. "I drained the girl, but later that night I retched my guts up. I couldn't keep it down. It's pathetic. I may as well be a bloody vegetarian."
Giles smiled, he'd been right. "That's a good thing, Spike. You've just proved that my theory was correct. And if you can accept it, I think the others might accept you."
"Well, what is it then?" asked Spike, confused. "What's the reason?"
"I'll tell you with the others, it's easier that way." replied Giles. "I have to repeat myself enough as it is to get Xander to understand, I'd rather not have to do it more than necessary." Spike laughed at the Watcher's joke, and stood up and followed Giles out of the room.
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Everyone sat down at the table again as Spike and Giles came out of the training room. Spike moved over and took a seat as well, and Giles remained standing, slowly pacing the length of the table as they all got settled. Buffy glanced at Spike, but he avoided her gaze, so she turned her attention back to Giles.
"All right, Giles," said Buffy, "Spill. What's the deal on our new and improved vampire?"
Giles sighed, and began to explain. "Basically, Spike's not a real vampire any more." Giles paused, expecting a loud chorus of objections. He wasn't disappointed. Everyone at the table started to speak at once, but Spike was the loudest.
"What do you mean I'm not a vampire any more? Of course I'm a bloody vampire! Look." Spike changed, and brought out his game face. Xander, who was sitting next to him, recoiled when Spike growled at him. "See?"
"Yeah Giles," said Buffy, "Spike is still a vampire. Only vampires are that ugly."
"Hey pet," Spike objected. "There's a lot of demons around that are uglier than this. Come on, you've got to admit that us vampires are one of the more attractive kinds of demons." Spike's face melted back to it's human visage. "Really, Slayer. You can't tell me you don't find me attractive." He smiled, to show her that he was joking.
Buffy just glared at him and muttered "Definitely still a vampire."
'Score one for Spike,' thought Dawn, smiling that her sister couldn't deny Spike was good looking.
"Uh, Giles," said Willow, "What do you mean Spike isn't a real vampire any more? He just proved he still was…"
"I guess 'real' may not have been the right word to use in the circumstances." replied Giles. "Spike is still a vampire, just not… well… normal."
Xander laughed. "Geez, Giles. We could have told you that. Spike's never been normal." He edged his chair away when Spike growled at him again.
"Yes," said Anya. "Spike's weird."
"Thanks," muttered Spike sarcastically.
"If you'll all let me finish," broke in Giles, slightly exasperated. "I'll tell you what I mean. You all understand that a vampire is a human body possessed by a demon, right?" Nods came from around the table. "And I told you that the reason vampires can't abide by holy objects or sunlight is because the human body is trying to reject the demon?" Nods from around the table again. "Well, I think that the reason Spike can survive in sunlight now is because the demon inside him has changed. Since Spike doesn't have a soul like Angel does, Spike is the demon.
"He's not a human with a demon inside him, he is the demon that animates William the Bloody's dead flesh."
"Ewww, visual…" muttered Dawn.
"Spike has changed to such an extent that he no longer lives by his bloodlust. He doesn't crave the taste of human blood any more. Basically, Spike has become something that his body doesn't reject. The human part of him has accepted the demon half, because it is no longer pure evil. I think that when Spike tried to kill himself so that the demon in him would die, his body deactivated it's defence mechanisms."
There was silence at the table for a moment as everyone tried to digest this information. Spike got up and wordlessly walked out of the shop. Buffy stared after him for a moment until something occurred to her.
"Giles," she said, "how come this hasn't happened to Angel then? Surely he's just as not evil as Spike?"
It was Willow who answered. "Angel still carries his demon inside of him. His soul suppresses it, but it's still there. I think it would have to be Angelus who became a good guy, just Angel isn't enough." She turned to Giles for confirmation, and he nodded.
"So, this means that Spike really has changed then." said Xander. "How is that possible? I mean, Spike's evil dead guy. That's who he is. How could he completely, totally and sincerely change sides like this?"
"I, uh…." Giles really didn't want to say what he thought.
"It was me." said Buffy quietly. "He changed because of me, because he thought he was in love with me."
'Thought he was?' thought Dawn to herself. 'Not likely.'
Nobody knew how to reply. They didn't know what it was that Buffy needed to hear. There were so many possible answers to her observation, but none of them seemed to be the right one to say.
"Come on Dawn," said Buffy, breaking the awkward moment of silence. "We've got to get home." Dawn stood up and gathered her things, leaving the shop with Buffy without anyone saying a word.
End Chapter 4
Before anyone tries to tell me I came up with a lame reason for Spike's
sunlight thing, I just have to say 'bite me'. At least I didn't just say 'The
Powers That Be decided to make him resistant to sunlight and crosses because he
was needed in a prophecy'. Count yourselves lucky.
