Chapter 9: Broken
Buffy sat at the kitchen bench nursing a cup of coffee. The house was blissfully quiet, and she relished the rare moment of peace. Dawn was still asleep, and Spike was taking a shower. Giles had taken Xander and Anya straight back to their apartment the night before, then dropped Buffy off before heading home himself. They'd decided to wait until the morning to fully discuss with Xander what had happened, and they were meeting at the shop later in the day. But for now Buffy had some time to herself, and nothing immediate to worry about.
She let her mind wander as she sat there. She didn't think the Knights would come after any of her friends again, though she wasn't stupid enough to believe that they would stop looking for the Key altogether. Willow and Tara were fine, they'd been at the library like she'd hoped, and Dawn had promised she wasn't going to skip school any more. Hopefully that would be good enough for the social services people to leave them alone.
Her father still hadn't contacted them, and Buffy wasn't sure whether she really cared if he ever did. He'd stopped being an integral part of her life years ago. The grief for her mother was still there, but it had lost it's honed edge, and was now only a dull blade pressed to her heart. That was something she would have to live with.
The ever present threat of Glory still weighed heavily on her mind, but she hadn't made any threatening moves for a while. Her absence worried Buffy a little, wondering what she might be planning, but somehow it didn't seem to matter. Whatever Glory could be up to, the ultimate aim of any plan would be Dawn. Knowing what Glory actually wanted, and what for, gave Buffy the small modicum of calm that she needed to stay sane.
In that respect, the Knights had actually helped. Buffy had known that Glory wanted Dawn, but she hadn't know what she wanted her for. It wasn't much of an advantage, but it was something. Also, she now knew there was a way Glory could be killed. If she was bonded to a human, a man, all Buffy had to do was find out who he was.
And kill him.
The thought sickened her. No matter what Glory was, the man himself was an innocent. He had had no choice in what was done to his life. Could she take a human life? What sort of person would she be if she did? If she was prepared to kill an innocent man, why go to all the trouble of finding him when there was an easier solution right in front of her? If she could kill a man, why not just kill her sister? The evil was no greater. It made it more personal, but it was basically the same thing. They were both innocent, both human.
Buffy wanted to throw up.
Kill Dawn? She could never do it. Dawn was all she had now, and she loved her. She may not have been real a year ago, but she was now, and Buffy intended to keep her alive. Dawn would have her chance at a normal life, just like the one she remembered.
Neither Glory or those Knights were going to lay one finger on Dawn.
Thinking about what Glory had done to Spike, Buffy swore to herself that she would never have the chance to touch Dawn. She had absolutely no doubt that whatever Glory planned to do to Dawn to open that portal and get home, it would kill her. Buffy refused to let that happen.
At least Spike was healing. He had only light bruising left on his face, and a few small cuts. The hole in his chest was healing, although it wouldn't be completely gone for at least a week, according to Spike. His ribs still hurt him, and so did his arm, but most of the minor injuries had healed. Buffy was glad her original assessment of his injuries had been wrong, but he'd just looked so thrashed.
By the time Buffy's brain registered that the noise from the shower had stopped, Spike was standing in the doorway. Buffy almost jumped when she saw him, embarrassed that she'd been thinking about him before she realised that he didn't know and that she was being an idiot.
Spike gave Buffy his customary smirk before going to the fridge to get himself some breakfast. Watching him pour a bag of blood into a mug and put it in the microwave, Buffy looked at her own cup and was glad she was nearly finished. No matter how often she'd seen it, watching him drink blood always made her feel a little queasy. The feeling probably came from having been almost drained, and also having had a taste of blood once herself.
Buffy shuddered as she remembered. She'd wanted to drink from Dracula, craved the taste of something she'd never experienced, something to feed the darkness inside of her. She'd let go, given in, and for a moment she had been balanced on a razor edge between succumbing to the darkness and staying to fight for the light.
Something had made her pull back from the edge, but she'd never been entirely certain what it was. Maybe it had been the taint in Dracula's blood, but if that was all… Vampires drank blood because it was life. Dracula had already been dead, there was no true life in him. But if that had been the only reason, she now had more darkness in her than Spike did.
Sure, she didn't want to drink blood all the time, the craving had only been released by Dracula's thrall, but she hadn't been able to control herself. Spike had, and he'd fought away the darkness completely. Why hadn't she been able to do that? The thought still worried her, terrified her that one day she might let go completely and get all her friends killed.
The beeping from the microwave brought Buffy back to the present, and Spike looked at her quizzically.
"Anything wrong, pet?" he asked.
Buffy shook her head, but it was obvious that Spike had seen something on her face. He just raised an eyebrow at her and she sighed.
"Just memories, Spike. Nothing important."
Spike sat down at the bench facing her. "Memories are always important, luv. Sometimes they're all you've got."
"Sometimes. But not these. There are some memories that I'd just rather not have."
"Such as?"
Buffy sighed again, not really feeling like sharing. "It doesn't matter, Spike. It's kind of private."
Spike's expression closed over and Buffy realised he probably thought she was thinking about Angel or Riley. She couldn't help but feel that it was kind of sweet that he got that jealous despite the fact she treated him like dirt. Letting herself soften a bit, she decided to ease his mind a little.
She was really going to have to stop this whole being nice to Spike thing soon.
"I was thinking about Dracula."
Spike's expression didn't change and she realised that he'd taken that the wrong way. He knew she had let him bite her, and he was probably thinking that she'd chosen another vampire over him. Again. She began to get a bit frustrated with him.
"Not like that, Spike. Geez, will you stop with the insecurity bit? God, from your expression I'm beginning to wonder if you think I'm like the town bicycle for vampires. Do you see any others staying in my house?"
Spike just stared at her, wondering at the outburst. Since when had she cared what he thought of her? Not that he'd actually been thinking that, but still… it did rankle slightly that she'd opened herself up completely to Dracula when she had refused to even talk to him. Why did she have to think that every other vampire was so much better than him?
"I wasn't really thinking about him, Spike. I was thinking about what he made me see in myself."
Spike relaxed, and decided that if Buffy was going to talk to him, he wasn't going to piss her off. "What's that?"
Buffy sighed. "That's just it, I don't know. He made me open up to the darkness inside. He made me want to drink, and I did. Something about it felt so right, and I don't know what it was that pulled me back."
Spike was confused. "Drink what?"
Buffy stared. "Didn't I ever tell you?"
Spike shook his head. "Pet, in case you don't remember, you weren't exactly friendly with me until recently. And even now that's a loose term." He added the last part under his breath, and Buffy had to suppress a twinge of guilt.
"He made me drink. From him."
Spike was shocked. "He what?"
"You know, it was the whole thrall thing. I let him bite me, and I tried to hide it from everyone. They found out, but didn't know what to do. I went to fight him, and he managed to get me to let go of the hold I have on the dark side of my nature. He cut his wrist and I drank. He wanted me to succumb, to beg him to be turned, but something stopped me and made me force the darkness back. I just don't know what it was and that worries me."
Spike looked revolted, and she wondered if she'd finally managed to put him off. Maybe she'd finally upset his ideals about her. She guessed she hadn't when the expression on his face was again replaced with something that looked strangely like jealousy.
This was beginning to get repetitive.
Buffy decided to keep talking before Spike could say anything to take the conversation in a direction she didn't want it to go. "How did you do it? Stop wanting human blood, I mean."
Spike shrugged. "I don't know. My best guess is that it was simply willpower. I just drank animal blood for so long that I forgot what human blood tasted like."
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think so. Angel was drinking pig's blood longer than you, and I know that he still preferred the taste of human blood. It was something else, Spike."
Spike tried to think of something to say. He didn't really want to go into it, but the Slayer looked really worried. "Why does this bother you so much, pet?"
Buffy sighed and looked at the table. "I don't know. I guess I'm just scared that it might happen again. What happens if I suddenly let the darkness out again? What happens if I go all evil and try to get myself turned and then try to kill all my friends? Oh, god, what happens if I hurt Dawn?"
Spike reached over and grabbed her hands, which were threatening to shatter the mug she held. "Buffy, you don't have to worry about it. It's not going to happen, and the only reason it did before was because of Dracula. And even if it did, I'd protect them. You wouldn't even get within biting distance of the Nibblet." His tone was soothing, and Buffy began to relax.
"Really?" her voice was a whisper. "You promise you will never let me hurt them?"
"I promise, luv."
"Thank you."
Buffy sat there with her eyes closed, and Spike slowly coaxed the mug out of her clenched hands and set it down on the table. He covered her hands with his, and watched her without speaking.
Buffy didn't know how long she sat there thinking, wondering about Spike and relieved that there would always be someone there to protect the people most important to her, but it couldn't have been very long. She was brought out of her thoughts by someone slowly caressing her hands, and she almost started when she realised it had to be Spike.
She kept her eyes closed, pretending to be still lost in thought and unaware of her surroundings. Even with a small part of her mind telling her that she shouldn't be letting Spike touch her, it had been so long since anything had felt this comforting. As long as she didn't let him know she was aware of what he was doing, she could act like it never happened. It might not be fair to him, but he had to know already that she would never let anything happen between them.
Spike smiled to himself. He had heard Buffy's heartbeat speed up, and knew she was faking unawareness. He also knew that she'd pretend she hadn't noticed him doing anything, but the fact that she was letting him touch her… some day she was going to give in.
He could wait.
He heard footsteps on the stairs and realised that Dawn must be awake. He reluctantly let go of Buffy's hands and smiled in satisfaction when a slight frown flashed across her face. Spike got up and took the empty mugs to the sink to rinse them out and Buffy had just opened her eyes by the time Dawn entered the kitchen.
"Morning, Nibblet," said Spike.
"Mornin'," mumbled Dawn, still half asleep as she headed to the fridge.
Buffy got up and gave Dawn her seat, saying a quick good morning before she raced upstairs to get dressed. She had to get away from Spike for a minute to compose herself. She had thought to pretend that nothing had happened, but the feelings that just a small touch from Spike's hands had evoked in her… she was going to have to be more careful.
Back in the kitchen, Spike was getting Dawn breakfast. He wondered what it was that had suddenly made him so domestic, and came to the conclusion that he was just in a good mood this morning. He wasn't in so much pain, and Buffy was definitely breaking down on the hostility toward him. Plus, by the look of the Nibblet, if he didn't get her breakfast, she wouldn't eat. She didn't look as though she was capable of finding the cupboard that held the cereal, let alone pouring it.
"Didn't sleep well, Nibblet?" Spike asked.
Dawn looked up at him with bleary eyes and yawned. "Not really. Nightmares of a psychotic hellgod have a habit of upsetting my sleeping patterns." She yawned again. "Don't worry about it, I'm used to it. I'll be wide awake in an hour or so."
Spike decided not to worry, since the Nibblet didn't seem distressed, but he would talk to the Slayer about it later. He kept his tone light when he replied. "Well, you'd better look alive. You've got school in an hour, you wouldn't want people to confuse you for the walking dead. There's enough of those in this town already."
Dawn giggled. "Well, you know what you've got to do to decrease the population. I think there's some chopsticks in one of the drawers somewhere."
Spike wasn't amused. "Not funny Nibblet. Someone else'll stake me good and proper when the time's right. Besides, I think you're the one who'll turn to dust if you go outside looking like that. At the very least half the people in the street will run screaming."
"Well, it would be different. Now that I think about it, it might be nice to see for myself what you experience every day. I guess then we'd have something in common."
"Touché, Lil' Bit.
Dawn smiled and attacked her breakfast. Spike smirked at her and wondered of he ever looked like that when he ate and then grimaced as he realised exactly how he used to look when he fed. The memory wasn't a pleasant one, and suddenly Spike understood exactly how upset Buffy had been over her memories of Dracula. The thought of drinking fresh blood, still warm with life - it was sickening. And for Buffy, who's purpose in life was to destroy vampires and demons… it must be a million times worse for her. He'd been made to need it, but her… it was against everything she believed in, everything she fought for. It must have been horrifying for her.
Spike pushed the thought to the back of his mind as Buffy came back downstairs.
"Dawn, I've got to go over to the shop. You're okay to get to school on your own?"
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Of course, Buffy. I'm not a baby."
"No, you're not. Look, I don't want to put any more pressure on you, but if you see any guys with swords and severely outdated outfits, just… run away, okay?
"The guys that kidnapped Xander?"
Buffy nodded. "I don't think they'll come after you or anyone else, but we can never be to careful. I can't pick you up today, so can you go to the Magic Box after school?"
"Sure. What're you going to be doing?"
"I have to go in to college and, well… drop out."
Spike was surprised. "Drop out? Why?"
Buffy glared at him, and her control snapped. "Gee, Spike, I don't know. Could be that I've just got too many things on my mind right now. I now have to take care of my sister, look after the house, get a job, pay the bills, hold off social services, and somehow prevent a mad hellgod from killing my sister and causing the end of the world. Want any more reasons? I'm sure I have heaps."
Spike was shocked, and it was Dawn who spoke first. "Social services?" she squeaked.
Buffy looked at her sister and her expression instantly softened. Then she realised what she'd said and looked horrified. "Dawnie, I…"
Dawn stood up and walked over to look Buffy in the eyes. "What's going on with social services, Buffy? And don't lie to me. I know what they're for. Why are they interested in us?"
Buffy spluttered for a minute before she got herself under control. "Oh, god… Dawnie, I didn't mean to say anything. You don't have to worry about it, it doesn't matter any more." The look on Dawn's face told Buffy she wasn't going to accept that answer. "Your principal, when I got called in because you were cutting school, she told me that if I couldn't make you go, I could be found unfit to be your legal guardian, and that they might take you away from me." She choked on the last few words. "But it doesn't matter now, you see. You said you'd go and do all your work, so it'll be fine…" Buffy was almost crying.
Dawn was mortified. She could be taken away? From her sister, from the only people she'd ever really known? The idea scared her almost as much as Glory. She could see that Buffy couldn't deal with the prospect any more than she could, and she virtually flew into her sister's arms, holding her like she would never let go.
"God, Buffy. I'm so sorry, I had no idea. I… I promise I won't cut school any more, or get suspended again or anything. I'm sorry… I can't… I didn't know…"
Spike watched as both girls almost broke down. Dawn might have latched onto the social services comment, but Spike was more worried about the 'killing Dawn' and the 'end of the world' thing. As far as he could see, it would be a lot easier to keep Dawn away from social services than it would be to keep her away from Glory. The Slayer had to focus on that, she couldn't allow herself to be plagued by all these other problems.
He waited until both girls had calmed down a little, then quietly suggested to Dawn that she go an get ready for school. He needed to talk to Buffy. Dawn understood and detached herself from her sister and headed upstairs.
Buffy wiped the tears from her face and muttered something about having to do her make-up again. Spike would have laughed if she hadn't still looked so upset.
"Buffy, luv, don't worry about it. Everything'll work out, you'll see."
Buffy whipped her head around to face him. "'Everything'll work out'? How, Spike? How will everything work out?"
Spike closed the distance between them and gently wiped fresh tears from her face. "I'll take care of everything, you just take care of the Nibblet, alright?"
Buffy rested her head against his hand, and lent into him, his body supporting her weight. "I just can't deal with it all, Spike. I just… I can't do it. It's too much, I can't… I can't handle it all any more."
Spike slowly stroked her hair with his free hand. "You don't have to, luv. That's why I'm here. I'm going to help you, I said I'll take care of everything." He smiled. "You'll see, luv. Soon you'll have nothing to worry about that you'll be back to beating me up every time you see me."
Spike's tone was so soothing that Buffy desperately wanted to believe him, but something still rankled at the back of her mind. Through her frustration and anxiety, her logic circuits weren't working too well, so she mumbled something she otherwise wouldn't have said.
"What happens if you fight back?"
Spike's eyes widened. "I can't fight back, remember, pet? Pesky government hardware in my brain, remember?"
Buffy's mind was drifting, and she wasn't really paying attention. "You can. You can, Spike. I know you can do whatever you want, now. You can be Spike again. Why aren't you?"
Spike could tell Buffy wasn't really aware of what she was saying, but he had to be honest. "I'm still Spike, luv. I've always been Spike. But I'm a different Spike for you, and I like this me. It doesn't matter that the chip doesn't work any more."
Buffy fell silent, and Spike held her, not moving, cherishing the feeling of having her in his arms. Unfortunately, they were both startled back to reality when Dawn accidentally bumped into the doorframe trying to back silently out of the kitchen. Buffy and Spike had looked so sweet together, she hadn't wanted to upset them. What she'd really wanted was a camera, but she had no idea where it was.
At the noise, Buffy and Spike had virtually teleported away from each other, and both looked embarrassed. Dawn tried to pretend she hadn't seen anything.
"Uh… Guys, I'm going to school, I'll… ah, I'll see you at the magic shop later." She turned and almost ran out of the house.
Buffy and Spike looked at each other, and Buffy decided to follow Dawn's example. "Gotta go, Spike. Lot's to do."
Spike didn't give her the chance to leave. He had some things he needed to say, and he had to say them now. "Slayer, I meant what I said. Don't worry about money, I'll take care of it. You don't have to get a job, so stay in college if you want to."
Buffy folded her arms and looked at him. "Where are you going to get the money from, Spike? You were always hitting us up for cash."
Spike looked guilty. "I know. But I had a reason. I can get access to money, but it means talking to certain people that I'd really rather not."
"But you'd do it for me?" Buffy's voice was soft.
"Of course."
Buffy looked at the floor. "Thank you, Spike. That would help a lot. But… and I'm sorry for asking, but… it's not stolen is it? I can't take a stranger's money."
Spike chuckled. "No, pet. It's not stolen. Well, not all of it. I'm sure some wasn't exactly legally acquired, but I don't think the original owners really have use for it any more, if you catch my meaning."
Buffy shuddered, but she knew that none of the money would have been recently acquired, and she did need the help. She looked at Spike and nodded, and he gave her a reassuring smile.
"It was a long time ago, pet. Another life, really."
Buffy nodded again and turned to leave, but Spike wasn't finished. "Slayer, I meant the other thing I said before too. It doesn't matter that the chip doesn't work any more. I think I've proved that with this whole sunlight-non-evil issue. I'm yours now, yours and the Nibblet's, whether you want me or not."
Buffy had to restrain herself from running to him, to have him hold her again. He was so sincere, and that was possibly the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her. Her throat closed over and she couldn't speak. She swallowed, trying to get the use of her voice back, but it was no use. She didn't know what she would say anyway, so she ended up just staring at him.
Spike smiled at her, and reached out a hand to touch her face. Buffy jerked back at his touch, and the hurt expression on his face almost broke her. This could not happen. It couldn't.
Taking one last look at him, she turned and bolted out of the house.
Running from Spike.
Running away.
She never ran away. She'd never backed down from a fight. He was making her a coward, making her soft.
Never mind Glory, never mind the Knights if Byzantium.
Forget that her sister wasn't really her sister but some mystical key which could destroy the world. Forget that her mother had died and her father was nowhere to be found. Forget that over the past five years she'd seen more people die than she could count. Forget that Dawn, the person she now loved more than anyone in the world, the one thing making her hold on to her sanity, should never have been her responsibility.
Forget that.
None of it mattered. None of it had ever broken her. She'd always held on, always been strong. But now, one thing, one of the smallest things…
Spike.
Enemy.
Ally.
Enemy.
Ally.
Enemy pretending to be an ally.
Ally.
Friend.
Friend? Oh god. Looking at it like that, it didn't seem so small. He'd tried to kill her, he'd saved her life. It kept going in a circle, it should have gone like that forever. But no, Spike could never hold to a pattern. Somehow, Spike had done the one thing that nothing else had ever done to her. Not dying, not sending someone she loved to Hell, not stabbing another Slayer.
He had broken her.
End Chapter 9
I'm can't remember if Spike was around for the Dracula ep, so I made up my own version. It might track with the original, and it might not, but I don't think it's really important. If he was involved, just pretend her wasn't. It's not hard. Also, I don't remember at what point in the series Buffy dropped out of college, but if it happened in an episode before my continuity, ignore it too.
