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Chapter 11: Control

Buffy was lying on her bed when she heard the front door slam, so she guessed that Dawn was home. She had no idea where Spike was, and she couldn't work out how she felt about that. She was so confused, and had no idea what to do. Willow had told her to do what she wanted, but the problem was that she didn't know what that was.

She had admitted to herself that she did find Spike attractive, and she had told Willow that she thought she was falling in love. That was what scared her. She'd worked it out. She wasn't afraid of loving him, she was afraid that he would stop loving her. She was afraid that as soon as she surrendered herself to him, he would lose interest and leave her. She wouldn't be able to handle that.

Not again.

There was something about his mannerisms lately that made her think of Angel and Riley. She didn't want that, it was the whole 'been there, done that' scenario. They hadn't worked for her, even though she had loved them. She'd loved Angel so much, and she'd sent him to Hell to save the world. And still he'd come back for her. But when he left, it had scarred her. He had said he was going for her own good, so she could have a normal relationship, a normal life.

What did a normal life matter when he was the first man she ever loved?

Riley was different. As she thought about it, she realised that Xander had been right. She had been treating Riley like the rebound guy, and that hadn't been fair. He had been a great guy, and sweet, but he was just so… inept. He had never been able to really be there for her. When her mother had gotten sick, Riley hadn't known what to do. It had seemed like he was afraid of even holding her, when that had been the thing she'd needed most. Someone to comfort her and tell her it would all be okay. He hadn't been able to do that. They'd never really clicked the way she had with Angel.

The whole Initiative thing wasn't so great either.

Spike was different, usually. He kept her on her toes, kept her thinking. He didn't need protecting, and he believed enough in her to let her fight her own battles. He worried about her, but he didn't try and stop her doing her job. He helped, like Angel had, but he wasn't always looking over his shoulder to make sure she was still alive. He didn't tell her to run and hide when things started to get hairy.

He loved her, but he also understood her.

He knew she needed that bit of freedom. He was bad-ass enough that she didn't have to worry about the evil things in the night coming after him. Usually. Recently, Spike had been more like steady, stability guy, than his usual tough guy big bad routine. If he thought he had to be that for her to love him, he was dead wrong. If he did that for too long, he'd leave, and she knew it.

To love him, she needed him to be himself.

She refused to open her heart just to get it broken again.

Belatedly she realised that Dawn hadn't come up to see her yet, and she wondered what was wrong. Ever since she had found out she was the Key and their mother had died Dawn had always at least called out to tell Buffy she was home. Resigning herself to having to deal with people, Buffy slowly got up and headed downstairs.

She found Dawn in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She walked over and sat at the bench, and suddenly remembered something.

"Oh my god Dawnie, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to pick to up."

Dawn put down the knife she was using and looked at Buffy, her eyes soft. "It's okay. Xander swung by the magic shop and gave me a lift. Willow told me you weren't really feeling well." Dawn hadn't believed what Willow told her for a second, and as soon as she saw Buffy she could tell she was confused and upset.

Buffy's expression was questioning when Dawn mentioned Willow. Dawn noticed, and elaborated. "She said you were feeling a bit sick. Someone really needs to teach her to lie properly, I didn't buy it at all. Do you want to talk about it?"

Buffy smiled slightly and shook her head. "Willow never could keep a secret," she paused. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm just a little confused, that's all. I never know what to do any more."

Dawn walked around the table and gave her sister a hug. "Everything will be fine, you'll see." Disengaging herself from her sisters arms, she grabbed her sandwich and flashed Buffy a quick grin. She whispered something into her ear, and then turned and left the kitchen.

Buffy stared after her sister, amazed at how perceptive she was becoming, her final words doing reruns in her mind.

"Don't worry. He'll never leave you."

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It was just beginning to get dark when Spike drove through Sunnydale on his way back to the Summers' house. He wondered if Buffy had calmed down yet, and was actually a bit nervous about just walking through the door. The Slayer did have a temper on her after all, and he still wasn't completely healed from Glory's ministrations.

He was a couple of streets away from the Magic Box when he saw something that made him itch. He couldn't quite see details properly from this distance, but it looked like a group of people were dragging someone into an alley. Cursing, he pulled over and parked his car. He grabbed a light axe he had on the back seat, and quietly approached the group.

By the time he got close, he realised that his original guess for the situation was only half right. Someone had been attacked, but not by people. Spike immediately recognised Glory's minions, and wished he had a bigger axe.

There were about seven of them, and it looked like whoever they were attacking had already been subdued. They were grouped around a figure that was slumped on the ground apparently discussing the best way to carry them. Spike tried to get a better look at the unconscious figure, and caught a flash of long blond hair.

Spike immediately jumped into action. He emerged from his hiding place and swung his axe, decapitating the first one before they had even noticed him. A second fell just as quickly, but the remaining five had realised what was happening. One of the five carried some rope, and another was holding a large branch, but other than that they were unarmed. Unfortunately, they all stood between him and the unconscious girl.

Spike settled into a more comfortable stance and raised his axe. Five of Glory's stupid minions who didn't have weapons. Shouldn't be too hard. He shot forward and lashed out, and the one with the branch went down, a gaping wound in his chest. He spun around, his arm extended, and the rope guy fell, it's face a bloody mess.

Three.

Spike moved back out of range, playing it cautiously. Last time he'd seen these guys they'd kidnapped him, so they did have some strength. A well aimed blow at the base of his skull would knock him out just like anyone else. Though it looked like he wouldn't really have to worry about that as he watched them cowering in fear.

'How pathetic,' he thought. 'Leave it to someone like Glory to surround herself with cowards and morons.'

He let his game face come out as his thoughts turned to Glory. As the muscles in his face shifted and his teeth lengthened, Spike felt something inside him snap. He leapt at the three cowering minions, his mind in a haze. All he could see was Glory, and what she had done to him, what she'd done to Buffy, what she would do with the Nibblet if she ever got her hands on her.

Slowly he realised that his axe was no longer meeting any resistance, and the fog lifted from his mind. As his eyes cleared he looked around him, and was sickened by what he saw. The alley walls were splattered with blood, and the ground was worse. Seven dead and mutilated figures lay around him, all without heads, many missing limbs also. The one right in front of him was the worst. His axe had gone right through it. Vertically. It was literally cut in half in front of him, his axe having sliced from groin to throat, before twisting to take off the head.

Tearing his eyes away, Spike looked around for the girl. Everything was so covered in blood, it was assaulting his senses, making him crazy. He couldn't tell if there was any human blood mixed in with the demon, there was too much of it and the smell was too strong. Whatever he was now, he was still a vampire, and large amounts of blood, any kind of blood, will send a vampire's senses reeling.

Finding it increasingly hard to concentrate Spike looked around the alley, trying to block out what he was seeing. Finally, he saw her slumped down against one of the walls of the alley, hidden in the shadows and fortunately out of the worst of the blood bath.

The blond hair was obvious now, despite being dirty and splattered lightly with blood. Spike sighed with relief as he realised that he had been right that the girl was not Buffy. She hadn't smelled like her before, and even on the ground her figure had seemed too tall for the tiny Slayer. But she was still a human, and Buffy would have expected him to save her, especially from that bloody hellbitch.

Spike walked over to the girl and crouched down beside her pushing her hair from her face. He almost fell over in shock when he realised he was looking at the witch's girlfriend. She was coming up with a bad bruise on one cheek, and she had a small cut over one eye, but other than that she looked all right. Spike was relieved - Red was Buffy's best friend, and she and blondie here were obviously very close, and since Glory was behind this, losing Tara would have been a shocking blow for the Slayer.

Spike knew that the girl in front of him meant more than that, but at that moment he didn't really care. He liked the witches enough, they were good people, but he loved Buffy and Dawn, and he was not going to let anything happen to them. Glory had obviously planned to provoke Buffy in some way, make her do something stupid. Either that or she was still looking for Dawn, and he didn't know if the witch would have been able to survive Glory's interrogation without talking.

Looking around the alley again, Spike shuddered. Something had to be done, this had gone on for long enough. Glory was pushing their limits, and something really bad was going to happen when they snapped.

He let his features slide back into his human visage, and picked up Tara, cradling her in his arms. He looked out into the street and made sure there was nobody around before he made a dash for his car. He was covered in blood, and he didn't think he should be seen, especially with an unconscious girl and an axe.

It was full dark now, and he managed to get Tara into his car without being noticed. He drove straight to the magic shop, hoping someone would still be there. He swore when he saw the lights were off, and continued past without stopping. Buffy's house was the only other place he could think of to take her, and he had to face Buffy sooner or later. Maybe with something to take her mind off it, their situation wouldn't be so awkward.

He pulled his car into the driveway, and got the blond witch out as carefully as he could. He still wasn't sure if she'd been seriously hurt, but she was still unconscious, and that wasn't good. He slammed the car door with his foot, and made it to the porch when the front door opened and Dawn was standing there gaping at him.

Dawn didn't know what to think. She'd heard a door slam and assumed Spike was back, but she would never have expected what she saw when she opened the door. Spike was completely covered in blood, and he had some around his mouth as well, dripping from his chin as though he'd been eating like an animal. He was also carrying Tara, who appeared to be unconscious and was also splattered with blood, though not so much as Spike. Dawn's first thought was that they had been attacked, but the blood around his mouth made her doubt her confidence in Spike. The slightly crazed look in his eyes wasn't helping either.

Spike seemed to know what Dawn was thinking. He shook his head. "Get your sister, Nibblet. Glory tried to take the witch." Spike's voice was tired, and Dawn suddenly understood all the blood. She raced into the kitchen where Buffy was about to start making dinner and told her about Spike and Tara. Buffy went to get the first aid kit, and Dawn went back to the door where Spike was still waiting with Tara. Dawn thought it was so sweet that he didn't want to get blood on their carpet.

"Spike, just put Tara on the bench in the kitchen and then go and have a shower. You look gross, and we can take care of her."

Spike nodded, and heeled off his boots before coming inside. He went into the kitchen and layed Tara gently on the bench that Buffy had cleared off, and headed upstairs to take a shower. He felt dirty, but no amount of water was going to wash it off. He passed Buffy on the stairs, and continued up without looking at her. How could he, after what he had done?

She was right. He really was a monster.

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Buffy stared as Spike walked past her, not looking at her, but careful not to touch her. Seeing him covered in blood was definitely a shock, but it was his demeanour that alerted her to something different. There was something about him that she'd never seen in him before. Quiet, subdued, head bowed… something was wrong. Spike, the self-assured smartass that he was, had never been anything but cocky and confident. The person who had just passed her on the stairs was not Spike. Not the one she knew.

Spike wasn't himself. He looked almost… depressed. Buffy almost understood why when she entered the kitchen and saw Tara laid out on the bench. Dawn was doing her best to clean the blood off her, and Buffy could see that there were already dirty cloths in the sink. A large bruise was covering one side of Tara's face, and she had a nasty gash over one eyebrow. She really wasn't a pretty picture.

Buffy asked if she had regained consciousness at all, and Dawn shook her head. That worried Buffy, but she wasn't entirely sure what she could do. She knew Spike couldn't have taken her straight to the hospital, not with them looking like they were. She wasn't sure a hospital was even a good idea.

Dawn seemed to have been thinking along the same lines. "Should we take her to the hospital?"

Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. We may have to, but we should probably get everyone over here first."

Dawn nodded. "I called Willow and Giles while you were upstairs. Giles said he'd call Xander and Anya. I think they'll all be here as soon as possible."

Buffy was impressed with her sister's foresight. Opening the first aid kit she'd gotten from the bathroom, Buffy began to do the best she could with Tara's cut. "It should probably be Willow's decision about whether she goes to the hospital or not."

Dawn didn't say anything. She could see how unsettled Buffy was, but she didn't think Tara was the only person she was worrying about. Dawn had seen the haunted look in Spike's eyes, and if Buffy had seen it… she couldn't even begin to predict her reaction.

The silence was broken when the front door crashed open and Willow ran into the kitchen a second later. When she saw Tara she let out a small cry, and Dawn couldn't tell if it was relief or horror. Dawn and Buffy both moved away from the bench, and Willow quickly moved to take over Buffy's position of doctoring Tara's cut. Tears ran slowly down her cheeks, and Buffy and Dawn stayed as unobtrusive as possible without leaving. Neither wanted to leave Willow completely alone.

Buffy stood with Dawn in her arms, not sure who needed the comfort more. Her heart went out to Willow, but her thoughts had turned to Spike. Despite the nasty cut and the bruise, Tara looked like she would survive.

Spike hadn't.

There had been something eating at him as he walked up the stairs. She hadn't even been able to see his face, but he hadn't been able to even raise his eyes to acknowledge her presence. When she had seen the amount of blood that had covered Spike, Buffy had felt sick to her stomach, she had been close enough to smell it, to almost feel the viscosity of it. She had seen enough blood in her time to have been able to tell immediately that it hadn't been human, but it was still disgusting.

She would have thought Spike would have been used to it. Even though he'd never been as sadistic as Angelus, he had been a monster. He shouldn't have minded. It shouldn't have bothered him so much. But it was bothering him, and she really needed to find out why. She also needed to know how he got that covered in blood. She had a feeling the two were connected. The answer to one would explain the other.

Dawn shifted slightly in Buffy's arms when Xander, Anya, and Giles arrived. Buffy held her close, finally deciding that it probably wasn't her sister that needed the contact most. Willow was sitting at the bench holding Tara's hand, having done the best she could for her cut. She hadn't said a word since she had arrived, and Buffy and Dawn had let her be.

Giles took one look at Tara and said something under his breath, and Buffy had no doubt it wasn't complimentary. Xander walked over and gave Willow a quick hug which she gratefully returned, but then moved back over to where Anya was standing, apparently sensing Willow's desire to be alone near Tara.

Giles had no such restraint. Despite the sympathy in his eyes, someone had to be the rational one. "Willow," he said softly, "we should take her to the hospital."

When Willow looked up at him, her eyes were filled with pain, love, and a hundred other conflicting emotions. Giles could sense her objections. "It's really the best thing for her. You can't do anything more."

Willow looked like she still wasn't convinced, but she nodded anyway. It was reluctant, but it was agreement. Giles immediately left the room to call an ambulance, deciding it was safer than carrying Tara out to his car to drive her himself. When he re-entered the room, nobody had moved.

He moved over and put a hand on Willow's shoulder. "They'll be here soon. You'll go with them?" Willow nodded. "All right. We will follow after. We're all here for you."

Willow nodded again, but her eyes stayed on Tara's prone form. Giles dropped his hand and moved away, having done all he could think of to comfort her. The room was silent again, and there wasn't another word spoken until the ambulance arrived.

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Buffy watched as the ambulance drove off. Everyone else had decided to go to the hospital in case Tara woke up, and to be there for Willow. Dawn wouldn't have gone, but Buffy asked her to. There was something she needed to do, and she didn't want anyone else around.

It was time to deal with Spike.

She hadn't seen him since he had gone upstairs to take a shower, and she was worried. He was still in the house, she could sense his presence, but there was something wrong with him and she needed to find out what.

She locked the front door, and then headed up the stairs. Her feet moved with some reluctance, she wasn't really looking forward to this, but it had to be done. A Spike that wasn't Spike could be dangerous. He'd changed once, who's to say he wouldn't change again? She hadn't thought he would, not as long as he believed he had a reason for being good, but if he got depressed…

The long and short of it was that Spike had to stay Spike.

Buffy reached the top of the stairs, and walked straight to the bathroom. Spike was still inside, and she wasn't sure if she should knock or just go straight in. Remembering that Spike had been in the bathroom to take a shower, Buffy decided that it was probably better to knock. The bathroom was the one room where she really shouldn't just walk in on Spike.

Actually…

Buffy shook her head and tried to ignore the flush that had crept up on her face. Taking a minute to calm herself, she raised her hand and knocked.

Spike didn't answer. He didn't feel like talking to anyone, and especially not to Buffy. Not after what he'd done. He'd failed, and he'd lied to her. How could he face that?

"Spike, we have to talk. You know we have to, or you would have left. I need to know what's wrong, Spike." Buffy did her best to keep her voice calm. She needed to be persuasive, and she knew she couldn't afford to get pissed off.

There was silence from the other side of the door. Buffy waited, sure Spike would let her in when he was ready. Eventually, Spike's voice came softly through the door.

"It's open."

Buffy took a deep breath and opened the door. She couldn't see Spike right away, but then she noticed him sitting against one of the walls, his knees pulled to his chest and his head down. He hadn't dressed, and had only a towel wrapped around his waist. Buffy saw his clothing lying in a bloody puddle on the floor. She noticed Spike was sitting as far away from the blood as possible.

Carefully stepping over the mess, Buffy slowly approached Spike. She crouched down in front of him, but he did not raise his head to look at her. From this close, she could see the hole in his chest and also some bruising on his ribs. She forced herself to ignore his physical injuries. They weren't the problem right now.

Buffy put her fingers under his chin and gently raised his head. He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, and she was absolutely stunned by what she saw in them. Pain, guilt, remorse, hate, love.

Something about his eyes sparked something in her memory. What she was seeing now was everything she saw in Angel's eyes in the moment he got his soul back. Everything and more. She couldn't understand it. Spike may have changed, but he still didn't have a soul. It didn't really matter to her so much any more, but the comparison was accurate.

Buffy suddenly found she was terrified.

In an instant she realised how much of a fixture Spike had become in her life. Seeing him the way he was… it wasn't right. Spike shouldn't be like this. She needed the Spike that was cocky and confident. And she could tell that right now, his mental and emotional state was going to depend on her, and she had no idea what to do. She didn't know how to fix this.

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Buffy made a decision. No matter what he was feeling and how he was acting, hiding underneath was still a Spike she knew. She grabbed one of his wrists and yanked him to his feet, not bothering to keep a tight rein on her strength. Spike could handle it.

Spike had a moment to look surprised before Buffy dragged him out of the bathroom. Despite his funk, he couldn't help a moment of curiosity. What was she doing?

Buffy dragged him along the hall and virtually threw him through the open door of her bedroom. Since Spike's faculties had almost deserted him, he lacked his usual grace as he tripped and went sprawling on the floor by Buffy's bed.

Buffy closed the door behind her and crossed the floor to where Spike was. She stood in front of him, arms crossed.

"Get up, Spike."

Spike raised his head. Buffy's tone implied that she would not take no for an answer, and her expression told him that if he did refuse, she'd probably lift him up by his hair. Spike almost didn't care, but he got slowly to his feet. Buffy jabbed a finger at her bed, and Spike sat.

Buffy had no idea what was wrong with Spike. He was never compliant. He should have been pissed off by now. He should have been angry, fighting with her. Why wasn't he? Buffy let her eyes slide from his face, and instantly jerked them back up. Spike was still only wearing a towel around his waist and despite the situation, Buffy had to force herself not to blush at the thoughts that flashed through her mind. It really wasn't the time for that.

Then again, maybe it was.

Buffy reached out and grabbed the back of Spike's head. She forced him to stand up again, and then lifted her head and pressed her mouth hard against his.

Spike stood shocked for an instant. The feel of Buffy's lips on his had brought him fully back to reality. He would have liked to respond, to experience something he'd been fantasising about for years, but reality brought the full weight of his shame to the front of his mind. He allowed himself a moment to store the memory in his mind forever before he pulled away without having really kissed her back. He couldn't let her corrupt herself by touching him.

Buffy was surprised, and suddenly even more worried. If Spike was too upset to even respond when she kissed him, she really had no idea what to do. She looked into his eyes and held back a sigh of relief. At least he was fully aware of his surroundings now. Hopefully that meant she'd made some impression. She decided that now was probably a good time to talk before he went semi-catatonic again.

"Are you going to tell me what this is all about, Spike? Or am I going to have to beat it out of you?" Buffy kept her voice hard, trying to get Spike to respond.

Spike looked at her, his eyes steady. "Maybe you should. I definitely deserve it."

Forget acting, thought Buffy. He really was beginning to irritate her now. "The way you're behaving, maybe you need it. What's up with you?"

Spike tried to ignore how hot Buffy looked when she was pissed. He may have hated himself at the moment, but that didn't mean he'd stopped loving her. Spike cursed himself for a fool. He couldn't afford to let his mind wander. He had to get away from her, it was the only thing he could do for her. How could he ever have believed he'd really changed?

He took a moment to collect himself. He had to tell her something, give her a reason. "I'm sorry Slayer, but who're we bloody kidding? I'm a monster, and we both know it."

With his words, Spike shattered Buffy's stability. He was going to leave her. He was going to leave, just like Angel did. Spike was the man she had thought would never leave her, the one man she wouldn't drive away from her. It was the one thing she'd feared the most.

"You're leaving." Buffy's voice was tiny.

Spike hated the hurt on her face, but if he didn't leave he would destroy everything that was her.

"You promised. You promised, and Dawn said… you said you'd never leave me. I can't… I need you to be here… there's too much…" Buffy gave up all semblance of control and fell to her knees, sobbing in her hands.

Spike knelt down in front of her and gathered her into his arms. He had to leave, but he didn't have to leave her like this. "Pet, shhh…. Don't cry. You know I'm a monster. I can't be here, you should a staked me long ago."

Buffy had her face buried in Spike's shoulder, and even through her distress fleetingly wondered how Spike had become the one in control here. Her words came out in ragged breaths. "You're not… you're not a monster any more, Spike. You… you proved that, remember. You're good now… you said you were good now…"

Every word Buffy said drove pain through Spike's heart. He had said that, and he had meant it, but he'd been lying anyway. He stroked Buffy's hair, enjoying the feeling of holding her, even if he would never get to do it again. "I thought I could be, luv. I wanted to be. But what I did this afternoon… only a monster could do that."

Buffy lifter her head to look Spike in the eyes. Her face was wet from her tears, but her expression was serious. "What did you do?"

Spike lowered his gaze. "Nothing I want you to hear about."

Buffy forced him to look at her again. "Spike, what did you do? I know you came home covered in blood, but I know it wasn't human. You killed demons to save Tara, and that's not something a monster would do." Buffy was getting herself back under control.

Spike swallowed, trying to find the words to describe what he'd done. "I don't know if you could understand. I… I didn't just… I didn't just kill them. I don't know what happened, I just bloody lost it or something. I saw the girl, and Glory's minions, and I just went crazy. The moment I changed, all I could see was red. I didn't know what I was doing. I had an axe, and I…" His voice cracked as he remembered the alley and the bodies that he'd hacked to bits.

Buffy suddenly understood. From the amount of blood that had covered Spike, he must have done a lot of damage. Tara had been pretty covered as well, which told Buffy that what Spike had done to those demons had involved a lot of hacking and slashing. And if he hadn't realised what he was doing, he had obviously come to the conclusion that he could lose it at any time and turn on her and her friends.

Buffy shifted herself around in his arms and slapped him up the head. "What're you, stupid? So you got angry, big deal. So you tore apart some of Glory's pathetic minions. Good for you. Who cares how messy it was? They worked for Glory, for god's sake. They were kidnapping Tara, and she's now in the hospital. They damn well deserved it, Spike."

Spike shook his head. "Buffy, luv, that's not…"

"Not the point?" Buffy interrupted. "No. The point is you think you'll lose it again one day and turn on us, isn't it?" Spike nodded mutely, and Buffy slapped him again. "You're an idiot, did you know that? You're not a monster any more. We all get that angry once in a while, and for people like you and me, we need to take it out on something. Glory's minions happened to be your something."

Buffy looked him straight in the eyes and dared him to contradict her. "You stopped being a monster a long time ago Spike, and I'm sorry I've never really told you that before. I think you really need to hear it now. You're not a monster, and you've just proved it again. Would a monster care that he'd killed some demons? Would a monster leave people he loved because he thought it was the best thing for them, no matter how he felt? I don't think so."

Buffy watched as her words had an impact on Spike. After a moment, his eyes lost some of the haunted look that had plagued them, and he gave her a small smile. "Bloody stupid, aren't I pet?"

Buffy nodded and hugged him. She was still cradled in Spike's arms on the floor of her bedroom, and she noticed that his arms tightened about her after she let go of him. "Does this mean you're not leaving then?" she asked.

Spike gave her a thoughtful look. "Well, luv… I don't know…"

Buffy tried to move so she could punch him, but his arms tightened around her even more and she found she couldn't move. Spike chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. "Of course I'll stay, Slayer. Who else is going to keep you on your toes?"

Spike's kiss made Buffy remember that she'd kissed him as well. She tried to keep her tone light and her embarrassment and uncertainty out of her voice. "Right now you're keeping me on my butt. Are you planning on letting me get up anytime soon?"

Spike considered it. "No, not really. I don't think I want to let you go."

Buffy flushed, and Spike smiled slightly when he noticed. He may have been wallowing in self-pity only a moment ago, but as he'd said, he had been being stupid. He thought about it, and realised he probably would have gotten as far as the base of the stairs before running back up them to beg Buffy to take him back.

Right now, he held the Slayer in his arms, and she wasn't fighting too much to be let go.

If he could help it, he'd never let her go.

Buffy very suddenly became aware that Spike was still only wearing a towel. As much as she did hate to say it… "Spike, don't you think you should put some clothes on?"

Spike looked down at himself, and back up at Buffy. "Why?"

Buffy shifted quickly this time, and used more strength as she twisted to try and hit Spike. He tried to duck, but since he hadn't moved his arms front around her, he ended up falling forward and pushing Buffy down with him. Buffy suddenly found herself pinned to the ground with Spike on top of her, and had to wonder if his fall really had been an accident.

She doubted it.

Spike grinned at her, and Buffy refused to struggle. She knew she wouldn't be able to get the leverage to push him off. She settled for glaring at him, but it only made his smile wider. He bent down to her ear and purred softly, and the sound sent shivers though Buffy's body.

Buffy began to get irritated that she was getting excited. If Spike kept on the way he was, she was going to lose control. Losing control around Spike… she still couldn't decide what she wanted. True, she had kissed him first, but she'd been desperate to get him to stay.

Why?

If she didn't want this, then why did she want him to stay so badly, why had she freaked when he'd said he had to leave? Willow had told her to do what felt right. She didn't know if this was right, but it felt good. Spike was half naked on top of her and purring in her ear, and that single act made her feel more alive than she had in weeks.

Good enough.

Buffy laughed, and lost control.

End Chapter 11

No. That's all I'm saying. Use your imagination if you want to. I can't write sex scenes. I tried, and when I read it, I laughed. I'm that bad at it. Anyway, I rated this as PG-13 when I started, and I'm going to stick to it. Hope you liked this chapter, 'cause it was a serious pain in the butt to write ('cept for Spike's fight. That was fun).