Chapter 12: Promises
Willow sat by Tara's beside, not taking her eyes off her love's face. Seeing her hooked up to all these machines… it was maddening. Glory couldn't be dealt with soon enough to suit her. The doctors had said that Tara was suffering from head trauma, and she had heard Xander muttering something about deja vu.
His words had made Willow remember how she'd woken up to find Xander and Oz at her side after she'd been hurt after trying to do that spell to restore Angel's soul. She'd had head trauma then and she'd woken up. But the doctor had said that the longer it took the less likely it was.
Willow looked at her watch. It was almost two in the morning, and she recalled Dawn telling Giles that Spike had shown up with Tara just after dark. So it hadn't been too long then.
It felt like forever.
Willow had a vague memory of someone talking to her just as she was regaining consciousness. So far, she hadn't been able to say a word. She had held Tara's hand for a few hours, but after a while even that had become too hard.
Finally, Willow couldn't stand it any more. She hadn't left this room since she'd been allowed in, and she really needed to stretch her legs. And the longer she stayed with Tara, the more she had to fight down the impulse to go after Glory herself.
Getting up from her seat, she kissed Tara gently on the forehead and quietly left the room. Xander and Dawn were waiting down the hall. Dawn had curled up asleep on the couch with her head in Xander's lap, and he was idly flipping through a magazine. He looked up as she approached, and with a shake of her head she told him Tara had yet to regain consciousness.
He put the mag down and as carefully as he could, he lifted Dawn's head off his lap and placed it back on the couch, and folded up his jacket as a pillow for her. As soon as Dawn was settled he turned and gathered Willow into his arms, telling her without words that he was there for her.
After a minute, Willow pulled away and looked around.
"Giles left to do some research." He said. His mouth twisted wryly, "Now that was a surprise, as you could imagine." Willow smiled weakly. "He said that if Glory was finally resorting to brute force, her deadline must be approaching. Apparently there's a specific time and place that Glory has to perform the ritual with the Key, and if she misses her window… well, she hits the wall." Xander's lame joke got another weak smile. "I asked Anya to go and get us some food. Proper stuff, not the junk they sell here. I thought that maybe you could use something."
Willow nodded gratefully, though she wasn't really all that hungry. "Xander, would you mind sitting with Tara for a while? I need to walk around a bit, but I don't want to leave her alone too long. I just…"
Xander nodded, and gave Willow another quick hug. "Sure. I don't mind a bit. Take your time, okay? You're really wound up, and it'll help. Trust me, I know the feeling." He gave Dawn a quick glance then walked off to Tara's room.
Willow sighed. She'd wanted to go for a walk, but looking along the hospital corridor she came to the conclusion that walking around the silent halls would only serve to make her really depressed. She just needed something to take her mind off things. She walked over to the couch Dawn was sleeping on, and sat down on the small space left at the end near Dawn's head. She picked up the magazine Xander had been reading, and chuckled quietly when she saw it was about different ways to make quilts. She doubted he'd really been paying any attention to it at all, which meant he really was worried.
Willow smiled slightly. The gang had always been a bit awkward around Tara. They never really knew how to treat her. The rest of them had been friends (or enemies) for years, they knew where they stood around each other. Tara was something different, and they didn't know how to react. Sure, they'd stood up for Tara against her family, but Willow had always wondered at the back of her mind if they had only done it for her, because they knew that she like Tara.
Xander being awake at two in the morning and reading a quilting magazine?
They really did care.
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Xander quietly closed the door behind him as he entered Tara's darkened room. The entire situation was eerily familiar to him, and it was giving him a serious wiggins.
He took the seat that Willow had been using, and sat silently for a while, just looking at Tara and thinking. Tara had always been an unknown to him. In a way she had reminded him of the way Willow used to act back in high school when she was around people other than him or Jesse. Then Buffy came into their lives, and things changed. Jesse died, and their world was turned upside down. Vampires were real, demons were real, a lot of ugly slimy things were trying to end the world on a regular basis… and it all stemmed from living on a Hellmouth.
Slowly Willow had become more confident in herself. Fighting demons and vampires every night has to have some kind of effect. Xander had noticed it in himself, but he had held to his deep seated desire never to grow up. Willow hadn't. She'd grown up, and she'd found someone new to love after Oz left. Someone who made her happy. Xander didn't want to see her lose that.
So he'd made an effort to accept Tara. He'd tried to treat her like everyone else, but he'd always been a little nervous he might screw up in some way, and ruin everything.
The real problem had been that Tara had never stopped being shy around them. She would offer suggestions sometimes, but she'd always been uncertain as well. He got the feeling from her that she believed the group only tolerated her for Willow. That wasn't really true.
They didn't dislike her, they just didn't know her. Xander and Buffy had worked that out when they were trying to get her a birthday present. They'd been sitting in a magic shop, and they hadn't been able to think of anything to buy a witch. That sort of thing tells you that you really don't know a person.
All he really knew was that she was nice. That wasn't really a surprise. It was usually only the nice people (or the demons) that were stupid enough to stay on the Hellmouth once they knew what was really going on. Everyone had different degrees of niceness, but it was there somewhere. People who didn't have some kind of selflessness in them could never stand the reality. They left town and moved to denial land. It was safer that way, and probably better.
But not for them. No, they were different. Their group these days was the epitome of different. A Slayer who defied Council law, a Watcher who also defied the Council because he actually cared about his Slayer, two very powerful witches, a 1000 year old ex vengeance demon, and a Xander thrown in for good measure. And though Xander was reluctant to admit it, there was also a 120 year old freaky vampire-without-a-soul-but-I'm-still-good-and-look-I-proved-it with them as well.
Over the years, they had also accommodated a vampire with a soul, a gypsy masquerading as a teacher, a werewolf, a 'May Queen', a duty-freak Slayer, a psychotic Slayer, and a commando with a secret government military operation that had a thing for playing with demons' insides.
All in all, it was quite a show.
He hadn't liked everyone they'd worked with, but it was only fair. He hadn't particularly liked Angel, but that probably originally stemmed from jealousy. Later he didn't like him because he'd gone evil and tortured Giles and killed his girlfriend.
He hadn't liked Oz at first because he was so protective of Willow. After a while the guy had grown on him a bit. Being a werewolf, he fit right in. Tara was probably the same sort of deal. Xander knew he had never grown out of being protective of Willow. They'd grown up together, and he never wanted to see her get hurt.
Looking at Tara, he realised that he was seeing it now. Willow was hurting, and Xander hated that he couldn't do a thing to stop it. When he thought of what Willow was going through he was reminded of himself when she had been hurt, and he knew that nothing he could do or say would make her stop worrying.
He sat forward in his chair, and moved slightly closer to Tara. Even if he didn't really understand her, she was part of the group now, and it would hurt them all if she never woke up. He reached out to touch her hand, but suddenly felt weird and let it drop.
"Tara," he said quietly, his voice almost a whisper. "I'm not sure if you can actually hear this, but I'll say it anyway. You need to wake up. We all care about you, and you should see what this is doing to Willow. Please, Tara. You're part of the scooby gang now, did we ever tell you that?" he chuckled slightly, "Hey, if Spike is, then you definitely are, okay? Just… wake up, all right? Please. Willow needs you, Tara. She loves you."
Xander stopped speaking as he noticed Tara's hand begin to twitch. Before leaving the room to get Willow, he looked up at the ceiling as if he could glare at the Powers That Be.
"If this is your idea of a joke, I really don't find it funny."
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Spike woke slightly before dawn, his body still aware of the sunrise. It took a moment for his mind function properly, but pretty soon the events of the previous day came rushing back. Angel, the massacre, Red's girlfriend, Buffy.
Spike turned his head slightly, and noticed exactly how Buffy was curled around him. Her head was using his shoulder as a pillow, and she had an arm over him and her legs entwined with his. There was no way he could get out of the bed without waking her.
He didn't want to wake her just yet. The first thing she would do would be to tell him that last night had been a mistake, and it would never happen again. Buffy could be so bloody stubborn sometimes. She just refused to admit that he was the right guy for her.
Spike didn't move. He wanted as long as possible with her before she rejected him. He loved the feel of Buffy's body against his, and last night had been the closest thing to heaven that he had ever experienced. It had been so right, he wondered how Buffy could possibly deny it.
He lay there with his eyes closed, reliving the previous night. Fantasising about Buffy was so much easier when her naked body was pressed to his.
Spike was so lost in the memory that he didn't notice when Buffy stirred. She woke slowly, gradually becoming aware that she was almost lying on top of someone. Memories of last night came flooding back, and Buffy almost cried out when she realised what she done with Spike.
She opened her eyes, only to find that Spike still appeared to be sleeping. Propping herself up on one elbow she examined his face, watched as he smiled slightly. He really was beautiful, she had to admit that.
Last night had been her decision. Spike had started it, but she'd given him permission to continue. It really wouldn't be fair to get mad at him for something she had asked him to do. She had wanted it, she had, but she still wasn't sure if she could open herself up enough to really love him. He had been so close to leaving last night. He might have left her, just like everyone else.
It didn't matter that he would have left because he loved her. Angel had loved her, and he'd left for her own good. Spike had been so close to following in his grandsire's footsteps. She had needed him to stay so badly it had scared her. So maybe she'd done something she shouldn't have.
Watching Spike as he moaned softly and mumbled her name, Buffy wondered if maybe she was wrong. Maybe this had been the right thing to do. Maybe Spike would be the one who would stay with her.
So many maybes.
What it all came down to was that she still wasn't sure. She knew she felt something for Spike, but she didn't know exactly what it was. It wasn't hate any more, but she was fairly certain that it wasn't love. At least not yet. But she knew the only thing holding her back from it was herself.
She was just so afraid. And she hated herself for it.
She'd faced vampires, demons, and the end of the world, and so far she'd never flinched. She'd overcome her fear of the Master and gone to face him, knowing it would mean her death. She'd sent the first man she'd ever loved to Hell to save the world. She'd never backed down from a fight.
Sure, she'd run occasionally. She'd run to LA, she'd shut out her friends, she'd lied to her mother, she'd fallen to the desires of darkness. But she'd always come back. She'd always faced it down. She'd never given up, never surrendered.
Last night had severely dented her track record.
She'd finally surrendered, backed down from her word, from a fight that had been going on for years. She'd given up to Spike of all people, and she had to wonder if she was going to find a self-satisfied superior smirk plastered across his face when he woke up.
She hoped not. That would be the one thing she couldn't handle. She could take a smile, but if he started acting like he'd won the war… there were always sharp stakes around the place.
Spike was still moaning her name occasionally, and she had to smile at the desire and love she could hear in his voice. It was so flattering that he could still love her after she had treated him like dirt, hated him more than she really had a right to. It was amazing that he had fallen in love with her in the first place.
Maybe he wouldn't say anything. Maybe he'd let her make the decision, not say anything until she'd made up her mind on her own. Maybe he loved her enough to understand how confused and scared she was. She sighed.
Everything still hinged on maybe.
Buffy tried to untangle her legs from Spike's without waking him. She had to get away for a little while, just to think. Unfortunately, her movement made Spike grumble, and he reached out an arm and pulled her back down to him. Buffy was now completely stuck, her body pressed to Spike's and his strong arms preventing her moving. Spike sighed happily and Buffy had to repress the urge to giggle.
Finally, she allowed herself to relax. She couldn't make any decisions until Spike woke up, so there was no point stressing about it. The best thing for her to do at the moment was just to close her eyes and enjoy being held by someone who loved her.
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Spike almost started as he woke up. He hadn't intended to fall asleep again, and he suddenly became aware that he was now holding Buffy to him like he never planned to let go. And he wouldn't, if that option were truly open to him.
Buffy hadn't been asleep, but she was startled back to reality when Spike's body had jerked slightly. She kept her eyes closed for a moment, wishing everything was not so complicated. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. Spike's expression would tell her everything she needed to know.
Spike smiled as Buffy tilted her head up to meet his gaze. Her first reaction hadn't been to beat the crap out of him, so that was a good sign. He relaxed his arms around her, allowing her to sit up, and make whatever decision she needed to.
Neither said anything as Buffy sat up against the headboard, holding up the sheet to cover her nakedness. It might have been to late to be modest, but Buffy didn't really think they were up to the walking around naked with no embarrassment part of the relationship yet.
Buffy had been taken aback by Spike's smile. There hadn't been a trace of his cocky attitude, no smugly superior smirk. It had been a genuine 'I love you and worship the ground you walk on so please don't stake me' smile. Buffy had expected him to act all victorious and stuff, but he was… actually, she didn't know what he was, but whatever it was, he was it.
He was the absolute epitome of it.
Whatever it was. At least it was something good. She was almost certain of that. So far, he wasn't trying to kill her friends, and he hadn't walked out on her. That beat two of the previous three she had on the scoresheet.
Last night had definitely beat all three, but that wasn't the point right now.
Spike's smile had become more uncertain, and Buffy realised she still hadn't said anything. Neither had he, but she was the one who was meant to be in control here.
Control?
Yeah, right.
Spike could almost see the tension between them. He had to say something to break the ice. "Morning luv."
Buffy felt like hitting him. How could he be so calm? "Yeah."
"Uh, Slayer," Spike had to get this out. "You're not going to like, stake me or something are you? 'Cause, I mean, I'd kinda like a bit of advance warning…" he stopped when Buffy started to laugh softly. "What?"
Buffy shook her head, still laughing. Somehow, that had been exactly what she'd needed to hear from him. "No, I won't stake you. Can't speak for Giles though."
If it was possible, Spike would have paled. His expression set Buffy laughing again. He mumbled something under his breath, then threw his pillow at her.
Buffy was caught completely off guard as Spike's pillow hit her in the head, but her reaction was instinctive. She'd had too many pillow fights with Willow and Dawn to lose to anyone, and she didn't even think as she dived at Spike. He hadn't expected a retaliation so quickly, and Buffy's tackle threw them both right off the bed.
Spike clutched Buffy to him and rolled, hoping to pin her down, but Buffy stopped him and Spike ended up pinned beneath her. Spike smiled at her when he got a good look at the position they were in. It certainly afforded him a nice view.
Buffy noticed his smile and glanced down at herself. When she saw that she was still completely naked and the covers had not joined them on the floor, she gave a yelp and dived back onto the bed, wrapping the sheets around her.
Somehow she managed to do it all without taking her eyes off Spike.
Spike got up slowly and casually wrapped his towel around his waist. Buffy suddenly remembered that Spike's blood-covered clothes were still on the bathroom floor. She grimaced at the thought of scrubbing that came to mind.
Spike tossed her a robe from her closet, and she gratefully put it on. She felt so much more comfortable with something covering her.
"I'm going to go and find some clean clothes, okay pet?"
Buffy nodded. "When you're dressed, could you do something about the mess in the bathroom? I'd like to have a shower without worrying about slipping on blood." This was good. Normal Spike banter, forget that they had sex last night.
Spike grinned. "The blood would be dry by now, luv. You wouldn't slip."
Buffy walked over to the door. "I'm going to call Xander, then have breakfast, You hungry?"
"Yeah, a bit. Why're you calling the whelp?"
Buffy smirked at the worried expression on Spike's face. "To check on Tara, see if she's woken up. You do remember Tara, right? You know, all the blood and depression…" The flash of pain that crossed Spike's face told her that that line of teasing probably wasn't a good one to follow. "Sorry."
"No big deal. You go call. Check if Red's okay as well. I'm pretty certain that she could be real dangerous if she gets pissed. Still, wouldn't want her going after Glory on her own."
Buffy was worried. "You think she'd do that?"
Spike shrugged. "Maybe not. I don't think she will if her girlfriend's woken up, but otherwise… someone you love, I'd do it. Even knowing I'd die. I'd do it."
Buffy gave him a worried look and rushed out the door. He smacked himself on the head for saying anything. Not everyone was as bloody crazy as he was when he loved someone. Red was tough people, but she probably wouldn't have the guts.
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When Spike came downstairs, dressed in clean clothing, Buffy was sitting in the kitchen, eating toast and apparently unconcerned. She looked up as he entered the room.
"Everything all right then?" he asked.
Buffy nodded. "Tara's woken up. The doctors want to keep her a day or two, but she should be fine. Willow's too happy to go kamikaze." She paused and gestured to the microwave. "Your breakfast's in there. Just press a button."
"The marvels of modern technology."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "The guys stayed at the hospital all night. Willow said Anya and Xander went home a few hours after Tara woke up, but Dawn's still there. She was asleep and they didn't want to wake her. Giles left to do research or something, so I have to go an pick up Dawn in a bit."
Spike got his blood from the microwave and leant against the wall. "I'd do it, but I have something else to take care of this morning."
"Oh? What?"
"Your money, remember? I told you I'd take care of it. I can get it for you today."
"Oh." Buffy had completely forgotten. "Uh, thanks. I'll pay you back when I can." She hated taking money from people.
Spike shook his head. "No need, luv. I don't have any use for it, and you do. It's the least I can do for you with all the trouble I've put you through in the past few years."
"Damn straight," said Buffy, but her words were light, and Spike could tell she was grateful.
Spike decided that maybe now was a good time for that talk that they'd been putting off since they woke up. "Slayer… we need to talk."
Buffy froze. She hated those words. They were almost always followed by something she really didn't want to hear.
Spike saw her reaction, and swore. Buffy looked up at him in surprise. "Sorry pet. Didn't mean to make it sound like that. I just meant that we need to talk about what happened last night."
She was right. She hadn't wanted to hear it. "Which part?" she asked, hoping he meant his personality issues, knowing he didn't.
Spike sighed. "Do you have to make this difficult? The latter part of the evening, Slayer. You, me, sex. I'm fairly bloody certain you noticed." He could almost see Buffy hunch in on herself at his words. "Oh bleedin'… Slayer listen to me. You're not being yourself."
Buffy was confused, and it showed. "Buffy hits me when she's pissed, luv. She doesn't get all insecure and shy."
Buffy looked at him for a moment before carefully standing up and moving over to him. She made no attempt to hide her movement, and Spike did not try and dodge as her fist slammed into his cheek. He did, however, manage to keep from spilling any of the blood in his mug.
After a moment, Buffy smiled. "You're right, you know. This is much more me."
Spike grinned back, and tried not to wince. "So are we going to talk now, pet?"
Buffy sighed. She knew they had to talk, but she hated awkward post first night sex conversations. "Okay. I guess there's some things we need to say."
Spike was taken aback by her coldness. Was this it then? "You first luv, or me?" he asked hesitantly.
"Me," said Buffy, then looked as if she wanted to take it back. "Here goes nothing," she muttered under her breath. "Do you want to know what I'm feeling, Spike?" he nodded. "I'm scared. No, scratch that. I'm terrified. You've seen me and relationships. We don't work. I drive men away, you told me that yourself. The long and short of it… I don't want you to leave."
Spike put his mug down and quickly pulled Buffy into a fierce hug before she could protest. "I will never leave you," he practically growled the words. "Not as long as you want me here, and probably not even then. I'm not going to leave if you love me, and I'm not going to leave if you don't. Last night was the greatest gift anyone's ever given me, but if you think it was a mistake, or too soon, or something else, we don't have to do it again. I know you didn't really want another vampire, but I'm not really a vampire any more. We're both different than we were made to be, and a don't give a bloody damn. The only thing I ask of you is not to make me leave. Don't tell me to go because you're afraid of me, or of what we could be together."
'What we could be together'? The implications of that statement were too far reaching for Buffy to even contemplate. But she was still in his arms, and she hadn't pulled away yet, so that had to tell her something. She wanted to be with him, so much, but she was still so afraid. No matter what he said or did, Spike couldn't take away her fear completely.
"Luv, if it helps, when I tell someone that I love them, it means something. I stayed with Dru for over an hundred years, even when she bloody cheated on me with Angel. I've moved on now, but there will always be a place in my heart for her. I don't love her like I used to, because I'm a different kind of monster now, but I remember what I felt for her."
He slowly ran a hand through her hair. "But pet, I'm telling you, it's nothing compared to what I feel for you now. A vampire does have certain restrictions when it comes to feelings, since most of what we feel is taken over by the need to hunt. I don't have that any more, and everything I can feel now is taken up by you and the Nibblet. I don't have anything left, but I've given you more than I ever thought I had in me.
"I'm still a monster, but I'm the right kind of monster for you."
Buffy couldn't help it, she started crying. The past few days had just been way too much, if all it took to start her crying were a few nice words from Spike. She really was getting soft. She slugged him in the arm, just to show she still had fight in her.
Spike chuckled and rubbed his arm. "There you are, Slayer." He could feel the wetness of her tears through his shirt, but he refrained from commenting. "Your turn again?"
Buffy wiped her tears away, but she didn't pull out from the protective circle of Spike's arms. "You won the war, you know. I won so many battles, but you still won the war."
Spike held her closer. "Maybe. But I don't think you're defeated. If you think about it, I think you'll realise we've both won. If you open yourself up again, you've beaten everyone who ever doubted you, everyone who's ever hurt you."
Buffy pulled back a little so she could look him in the face. "How is it that you're not tripping over your tongue saying all this emotional crap that girls just love to hear?"
Spike smiled. "I watch a lot of TV, luv. You'd be amazed at the stuff you can pick up from various soaps. And I guess there's a part of that bloody wanker William hiding around somewhere in here." Buffy giggled, and suddenly tilted her head up to kiss him. Spike was surprised, but he returned the kiss, not pushing it beyond what Buffy started. When she pulled back, Spike had one final question. "So it's okay then luv? You're not going to be afraid any more?"
Buffy shook her head. "I can't promise that Spike, but I can promise that I'll try. I won't push you away, but please… please, just swear to me that you'll never leave me."
"I swear, luv. I swear."
End Chapter 12
Tell me what you think. Please? I need to know my limits for how sappy I
can get with Spike. Oh, and for Buffy fans - don't fret, she'll get to have
some fun soon. Trust me.
