Digimon isn't mine, trust me. And I borrowed some lyrics from David Usher too.
Written for my one-year anniversary at FFN.
Alone in the Universe
by Shimegami-chan
It's been eleven months, twenty-three hours, fifty-six minutes since I left you.
I wonder if you're still angry.
She'd love to live a life she's too afraid of failure
With all the voices in her head
Now what was that I thought I hear you scream
You wouldn't blame me for doing what I thought was right, would you? I'd never admit that I was wrong. Even if I apologized, I'd never be able to make it all better. I wish I could turn back time, go back to before.
I took the kids, got in that car, and drove away.
What was I thinking?
Fifty-seven minutes.
Don't you know we're freaks and creatures
Wake up I can almost see the light
The boys were frightened, and so was I. They'd barely ever been away from home for a night, much less permanently. I couldn't tell them that we weren't going home, just "visiting" Grandma's. I didn't want to hear them cry over you, not when I was so close to crying.
You were a good father.
So why did I leave?
Maybe it was the way you worked and worked, coming home past midnight. The way you never went to the kids' parent-teacher meetings. The way you never looked at me the way you did ten years ago, and with good reason. I didn't realize I was doing it myself until I stopped to think when the last time I told you I loved you was.
I couldn't remember.
On the last train home from god knows where
A million miles away from where he thought he'd be
He's got his suit his tie his drink his MTV
My dream marriage was shattered. I couldn't live with that, knowing everything that I had given up for you...my career...my heart...
So I left. And I let them all whisper behind our backs; our neighbours, our friends. Maybe they thought you were abusive. Maybe they thought I was alcoholic. They comforted me all the same.
Fifty-eight.
He's trading all his life away
You can't escape we're all infected now
Trapped in that apartment, I felt so caged, and still it was the hardest thing I ever did to walk away from you. There was no affair or even any fighting. You just came home one night, exhausted as ever, and I was gone.
I know you can feel it
You're already there
Asleep underwater
Just screaming for air
I don't know if you were hurt. I guess you had to be. I think you must have been angry, but I guess I'll never know for sure. The little white envelope on the kitchen table told you when the kids would be by to visit next, and all those times you called, my mother turned you away. I didn't even look at you in the courtroom, signing the papers that would hand custody of Yamato off. I guess I thought I owed you that much, at least.
Fifty-nine.
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone left wondering why
I think I might have realized I still loved you, if I'd met your eyes.
I think we're alone here you and I
I think we're alone in the universe tonight
And now here I am, successful, famous - and miserable. If I had to choose my career over you again, would I do it?
The seconds tick inexorably down, and unpleasant memories spring to my mind, the vivid image of my digital watch glowing in the dim light of our former living room, the clock rounding 10:45 p.m. You'd be home from work soon, and I was hurrying, hurrying to get away before I changed my mind.
Thirty seconds.
And I wonder all over again, like I did a year ago, why didn't stay.
"Please don't look for me."
Ten seconds.
"I'm so sorry."
Five.
I bundled Takeru and Yamato into the car, leaving my heart behind on the kitchen table.
"But I just don't love you anymore."
It's been one year since I left you, now, and I'm still sorry.
-end-
