A Pilot's Only Weakness: The Unseen Footage.
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own a thing dudes.
A/N: In the prequel to this many people asked for bloopers if I did a sequel. Well now that I have, here it is!
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ACTION!
Nichol is sitting in the dark room. Johansson opens the door and the blinding light is let in.
"AAAAAH!! MY EYES!" Nichol yells as he falls out of the chair. The rest of the crew promptly crack up.
ACTION!!
"Excuse me? Do you know when the shuttle from Colony L2 is arriving?" Quatre asks.
"Yes, it should be there in about two minutes." The woman replies.
"Really?! Where?!"
"Calm down sir! It's on the other side of the station." Quatre proceeds to run off but slips on something on the floor and crashes into the camera. Only the sound is left.
"Alright? Who left the hair gel on the floor?!"
"Hehehe, sorry Quat."
"Heero?!"
"What? Did you think that my hair was naturally like this?!" The set roars with laughter.
3,2,1 ACTION!!
"What's wrong?"
"Huh? Nothing! Nothing's, hehe, wrong Michelle!" Quatre says hastily as they walk outside.
"There are plenty of things wrong. First, you're talking as if you're being watched or something! Second, you're driving the…ridiculously large 18-wheeler truck. Bwahaha!" Michelle cracks up as Quatre blushes.
"Toyota called. They wanted their red convertible back." Duo's voice is heard off camera as Quatre blows him a raspberry.
ACTION!!
Heero tries to step out of his car but trips on something and falls out. Duo sticks his head into the shot.
"Poor Heewo! He fall down go BOOM!" Duo says with a big grin. Heero just gives him the finger.
MARKER…ACTION!!
"I thought you weren't supposed to show emotions."
"Sarcasm is not an emotion, for you it's more like a way of life."
"Ooh!! I've got something to show you!" Duo exclaims running into his room.
"He can act like such a child sometimes." Heero says. Duo appears with a water gun full of green gook.
"You know what? You're right!" Duo says as he proceeds to fire at Heero.
AAACTIOON!!
"QUATRE!" Quatre's five sisters shriek.
"WHAT?!" Quatre shrieks back as Michelle cracks up.
"Cut!" The director yells.
ACTION!!!
"So, you wanna just drive around?" Quatre asks, just about to open the door of the car.
"Nah, how about we take a romantic stroll?" Michelle says as she links her arm with Quatre's and walk off. The car explodes and bursts into flames.
"That's the last time I take car advice from you!" Quatre yells at Michelle as the others laugh.
"This is what happens when Toyota calls and they want their car back!" Duo says.
ACTION!!
Quatre pulls on the skateboard that Michelle is supposed to be on. The skateboard doesn't shove as Quatre tries his best to pull it out.
"Damn onna! You put on some weight!" Quatre says.
"Hehe, that's my boy!" Wufei says.
Finally the skateboard budges and there is a heavy bag of sand on the skateboard.
"Ok, nowhere in my contract did it say I have to kiss a sandbag!" Quatre yells.
ACTION!!
It's the scene where Heero is beating on Duo. Duo ad-libs a roll as Heero tries to punch him and Heero ends up punching the floor.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWIIIIIIIEEEE!!" Heero yells in pain.
"Dude! You're totally wrecking the whole no emotion motif!" Duo says in a surfer type voice. Heero mutters something incoherent.
NEXT SCENE, ACTION!!
Nichol walks out into the hall where the soldiers are seated. Nichol opens his mouth to say something but lets out a big belch. The soldiers laugh.
"Woah, were we supposed to take notes on that sir?" One of them asks as Nichol blushes.
ACTION!!
"Re-think that statement."
"…Use Yuy's car."
"No one is using Yuy's anything." Heero says as a look of hilarity crosses his face. "That just sounded messed man." The others roar with laughter as the director yells cut.
ACTION!!!
"I don't understand what you are telling me!! Are you saying that it just blew up voluntarily?!" Lady Une yells.
"I'd answer but I fear for my life ma'am." The preventer says as Lady Une rolls her eyes. "C'mon! I only get a little airtime anyway!"
GO!!
Wufei and Michelle are sitting in a car with a fake background moving behind them so it looks like they're driving.
"You need to loosen up! Music doesn't kill your sense of integrity it just makes you feel better."
"Really?" Wufei asks. "Dear lord, we just passed the Empire State building! Aren't we in Boston?"
"Kodak moment!" Michelle says as Wufei poses for a picture.
TAKE 2. ACTION!!
Still in the same car as before.
"Really?" Wufei asks disbelievingly. Michelle sighs and puts in a CD. "A CD? Aren't those…outdated?"
"I'm into my classics Wu-man, unlike this techno funk nowadays classified as music."
"Did you just call me Wu-man??! Onna, you are pissing me off." Suddenly, Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" starts playing instead of Teenage Dirtbag. Wufei and Michelle burst into giggles as the director yells cut.
"Will not let you go let me go? Will not let you go let me go? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me!" Wufei and Michelle sing as they bob their head to the famous instrumental bit ala Wayne's World. The director yells cut.
GO!!!
"That's odd…" Michelle says.
"What?" Wufei replied.
"There's no one else here."
"You are so paranoid. It's early."
"You never go grocery shopping, do you Wufei?" Wufei is about to open his mouth but has clearly forgotten his line.
"My name is Wufei…and I have a problem…" Wufei says.
AAAACTTIOOOOOOOON!!
"Because Duo's my friend and I know how much family means to him! I can't let you die!!" Wufei yells. Duo walks on to the shot and engulfs him in a big hug.
"Awwwwwww! I never knew you cared!"
"CUT!"
3,2,1 GO!
"Y'ello?" Duo says.
"Am I talking to Duo Maxwell?"
"The one and only! How can I help you out?"
"But you've already done so much for me Mr Maxwell." Duo frowns.
"Who is this?"
"…"
"WHO IS THIS?!?!" Duo ad-libs.
"I see dead people…"
"What?!"
"I mean, what's your favourite scary movie?"
"What?!"
"You know what? you're hopeless. I'm gonna go bother Trowa instead."
"That was so pointless I don't even know where to begin."
ACTION!
Zechs and Heero both arrive at Relena's house in Boston. They look at each other with narrowed eyes.
"Hello…Zechs." Heero says.
"Hello…Heero." Zechs says, re-enacting the classic Seinfeld moment.
TAKE 3, ACTION!!
The front door creaks open and Michelle is standing there. Duo and Quatre both run to hug her but as they do her head falls off.
"AARG!!" They both scream as Michelle's real head pops up from beneath the shirt.
"Mwahahahaha!!" She laughs as they both dogpile on her.
TAKE 4, ACTION!!
Quatre runs to hug Michelle but he trips and knocks her over.
"Quat, could you please remove you hands…?" Michelle asks. Quatre blushes and jumps up.
MARKER…ACTION!!
It's the scene where Quatre is supposed to grab Michelle and kiss her. The director yells action but just as Quatre is about to kiss her she sneezes.
"Scuse me…" She says sheepishly as Quatre laughs.
3,2,1 GO!!
"Run, and run fast. BECAUSE WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Duo yells as Michelle chases after him. They run off set and past the Preventers' office set, where Nichol and Lady Une are casually having lunch. They look up at the camera and sweat-drop. Une pulls out a gun and points it to his head.
"Erm, yah! I was just about to arrest him…hehe." Une laughs as the rest of the cast laugh at her. Eventually, the camera catches up with Duo and Michelle. They are at a fake 'on top of a building' set. Michelle holds a scythe to him.
"I'm telling ya! I didn't kill my wife!" Duo yells.
"I don't care." Michelle replies. Duo turns around, takes a deep breath and jumps off the building.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! OW MY BRAID!!" Duo yells as Michelle cracks up.
ACTION!!
"I…I'm pregnant." Hilde waits for Duo's reaction. He smiles and gets up to shout in happiness but James Brown's 'I Feel Good' starts up and he starts to dance to it.
"I feel good! I knew that I would now! I feel good! I knew that I would! So good!" Duo sang swaying his hips to the two-beat bit. "So good! I got you!" Duo points to Hilde who is already on the floor with laughter.
GO!!
Heero walks into Relena's room and sees that she has been kidnapped. He dramatically gasps and runs to the window.
"REEEEEEEEELLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" He yells as the cast and crew crack up. He smirks slightly.
"Sorry. It was there and I had to grab it." Heero says.
ACTION!
The phone rings as Quatre and Michelle sleep. It rings for a long time until Quatre picks it up.
"Geez, she sleeps like her brother." Quatre mutters. He rubbed his eye sleepily. "Hello?"
"QUATRE! WAZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"
"WAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"
Simultaneously, Wufei goes to Quatre and Trowa goes to Duo. Wufei and Trowa knock out each pilot and say,
"If I have to hear that damned phrase one more time I'll do more than crack a few heads!!"
ACTION!!
Quatre is trying to wake Michelle up while putting his pants on. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be doing it very well.
"I got…WAAH!" Quatre says as he falls over. Michelle, who is supposed to be sleeping, starts to laugh uncontrollably. Quatre lies on the ground drumming his fingers. "Oh yah, it's that hilarious (!)"
3,2,1 ACTION!
"They'll figure out where we are you know. Then you'll be sorry." Hilde says.
"Hmm? Why's that?"
"Erm…"
"Coz we'll kick your military butt! That's why!" Duo yells from off camera. Hilde sticks her tongue out at him.
"Very funny!"
MARKER…ACTION!!!
Trowa knocks at the door and Michelle hastily hides all her stuff under the bed.
"Come in!" She says. Trowa tries to say something but trips over the bag and falls head first out the fake window. He hams it up a bit by yelling for a long time then exclaiming,
"OOF!"
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!!!
The scene at the toll bridge. Michelle knocks on the window and Jools pops her head out of the window too far and falls out. Michelle starts to giggle.
3,2,1 GO!!
The phone rings and everyone dashes for it and fall in a heap. Even Heero, who was supposed to answer the phone.
"Um guys, I'm the smallest one here so could YOU PLEASE GET OFF ME?!?!" Heero yells as everyone laughs. "I'M SERIOUS!"
ROLL FILM, ACTION!!
"You think I didn't know?! I'm a damn pilot Gun it!" Heero says. "Erm, I mean a Gundam pilot damn it! Aw sh*beep!*"
ACTION!!!
"What do you want with us? We haven't caused you any harm and yet you just callously beat us up and all we asked you was why? So if you're going to kill me then at least give me the satisfaction of knowing why you're doing this." Relena says. Nichol looks at her blankly. "This is the part where you're supposed to say something!"
"Oh I'm sorry!" Nichol laughs sheepishly. "I was just so caught up in her speech…hehe!"
GO!!!
"Quatre, you are just lucky that I have a lot of free time on my hands." Duo grins as he pulls out a cell phone detector. "I also have Tylenol, a monkey wrench, a big ass piñata, a real life Simpsons figurine…" Duo says while pulling all those items out.
ACTION!!
"We need to get there and fast." Zechs says as he rushes out of the door. The others wait for him to come back in again but he doesn't.
"Ok, so does anyone want pizza while we're waiting?" Duo asks as they disperse.
"No pepperoni on my part!" Quatre says. 3,2,1 ACTION!! **This is your fault you know…**
**No! No one knows that for sure!**
**But Zechs knew, he saw it perfectly clear.**
**Shut up!**
**You do realise you're talkin to yourself right?**
**Oh yeah…**
**Baka…**
**Hey! Now I can get an honest opinion! Do these pants make me look fat?**
**No…the fact that you're fat makes you look fat**
**Great…I have an inner conscience who steals material from TV shows**
"That's it! Michelle get out of the sound booth!" The director yells. Michelle comes out of the booth and shows the director a V sign. The director face-faults.
ACTION!!
The major fight scene begins. As the G-boys hold off the soldiers the A-Team music starts to play. Duo falls down in a heap of laughter.
"Shinigami! That is so corny!" Duo laughs.
ACTION!
"You're gonna be ok right?" Quatre asked.
"Course! It's only ketchup sweetie!" Michelle says as the cast groan. "What? He just looked at me with those puppy dog eyes! I couldn't tell him the truth!"
ROLL 'EM!!
Wufei is mercilessly beating on Nichol.
"This is for Sally! And this is for kidnapping me! And this is for that damned awful hairdo!" Wufei says as Nichol starts to laugh. "DO NOT MOCK ME MUTTON HEAD!!"
"Damn! You know he's not gonna be in the sequel!" Duo cracks.
The End!!
End credits roll with "Livin Like A Prayer" by Bon Jovi playing.
Heero Yuy ~ Tom Cruise
Duo Maxwell ~ Will Friedle
Trowa Barton ~ Josh Hartnet
Quatre Raberba Winner ~ Devon Sawa
Wufei Chang ~ Keanu Reeves
Michelle Maxwell ~ Denise Richards
Relena Dorlian/Peacecraft ~ Sarah Michelle Gellar
Hilde Schbeiker-Maxwell ~ Natalie Portman
Lt. Nichol ~ Kevin Spacey
Sally Po ~ Lisa Kudrow
Lady Une ~ Julie Anne Moore
Treize Kushrenada ~ Alec Baldwin
Zechs Marquise ~ Brad Pitt
Lucreiza Noin ~ Carrie Ann Moss
Catherine Bloom ~ Sandra Bullock
Amira Winner ~ Claire Danes
Leila Winner ~ Ashley Johnson
Sultana Winner ~ Christina Applegate
Nadia Winner ~ Heather Graham
Sabina Winner ~ Cameron Diaz
Private Johansson ~ Nicholas Brendon
1st Preventer ~ Jason Marsden
Jools ~ Pamela Segal
Frankie ~ Joey Laurence
Written, Produced and Directed by Nik Nak
Songs
"Teenage Dirtbag" Performed by Whetus
