Scene 9: Questions for the Vampire
(Spike looks around, not knowing where the voice is coming from. All he knows is who it is, and it sounds evil)
Spike: Angel, is that you?
Angel: No, it's your mother. G-d Spike, don't ask such stupid questions.
Spike: I thought so. You're evil again, aren't you.
Angel: (Sarcasm) Very good, Spikey! Here, go fetch yourself a little human snack. Oh yeah, that's right. You can't kill anyone.
Spike: Oh really?
(He grabs one of the people singing in the chorus and drags them into the room Spike and Angel were talking in and has himself a little snack)
Spike: Wow, I had almost forgotten how good it tasted.
(Angel laughs evilly. He then takes out something that looks like a remote control. Time freezes. Only Angel and Spike are unaffected)
Spike: I don't remember Frank N Furter being able to do that.
Angel: Oh, he could turn people into statues with his Sonic Transducer. He could also freeze time with it.
Spike: So, you now have the knowledge of Frank?
Angel: What makes you say I'm Frank.
Spike: Well, the heels and fishnets kind of are a dead give away. Besides, the part of Dr. Scott is so not you.
Angel: Well, you're correct. I'm supposed to be Frank N Furter.
Spike: (Asks in a menacing tone) Have you ever seen the end of the movie, Angel?
Angel: Of course not. By that time, everyone's all having orgies together.
Spike: (mumbles to himself) Yeah, that's what I had hoped.
Angel: What?
Spike: Oh, nothing. Say, how'd you remember who you really are? And how'd you loose your soul again?
Angel: Oh, I saw you bump into the statue, and it all came back to me.
Spike: Oh. (Thinks for a second) How come Drusilla doesn't remember who she is?
Angel: Because she's insane. She'll just go with the flow.
Spike: Oh. And what about the humans.
Angel: Needn't worry about them. Something casual like screwing up lines won't cause them to remember. Something (searches for the right word) "traumatic" must happen to trigger their memory.
Spike: Hello? Something traumatic DOES happen to them. Ever see the movie?
Angel: Quite frankly...(laughs at his own corny joke). Quite frankly Spike, I don't like your attitude. Never the less, I'll let you in on the plan.
Spike: What plan?
Frank: Operation eat and torture all the humans in the chorus. You see how many of them their are?
Spike: Yeah. 1000's of them.
Angel: All for the taking.
Spike: Yeah. Now, what do you want with me?
Angel: To keep quiet. Don't remind them of who they are until I'm ready.
Spike: And if I refuse?
Angel: Then I'll kill Drusilla. Oh that's right, she dumped you. Maybe there's someone else. Someone else who you love...
Spike: (Sounds kind of nervous) Um, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Angel: (Continues patronizing Spike) Poor little Spike, in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Oh, what a shame. You see, once you have Angel, you never go back.
(Spike turns into his vampire form and growls. He pushes Angel. He laughs)
Angel: There's the Spike I knew so many years ago!
Spike: Yeah, I'm back!
Angel: Okay Spike, here's the plan. We continue to act out the movie right up until the floor show. From there, we imprison all the humans including Buffy and the scoobies. We save them for last. Especially Buffy, for she has tortured the both of us and made us like... Oh can't even say the word.
Spike: Human.
Angel: Yes, that. We'll torture her until every single last human is killed. (Laughs) And that could take months...
Spike: (Thinks for a second) Okay, sounds good. Except I have some questions. What about "The Creation?" Are we building him?
Angel: Yes, in order to go with the flow of the movie.
Spike: And the fishnets?
Angel: (Looks down at his legs) Oh yeah, I've got to dress like this in order for the humans still to remain clueless. You must be loving it, Spike.
Spike: (Very sarcastic) Oh, how'd you figure me out? Am I that transparent? Oh yeah baby, you've discovered my secret.
Angel: Sarcasm will get you nowhere.
Spike: Oh, you thought I was being sarcastic? (They both laugh)
Spike: Okay, enough of the funnies. What about Buffy? Will she be able to slay if she gets her memory back?
Angel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. By that time, she'll be in chains completely helpless.
Spike: (Gets a little too excited when he hears "Buffy" and "Chains" and jumps up and bangs his head on the chandelier)
Yeah, chains! Ow, that really hurt.
Angel: Now, you can have half of the humans and torture Buffy when she's chained up. Do whatever you want with Drusilla. Sleep with her, torture her, I don't care. Just whatever you do, you cannot sleep with Buffy.
Spike: But you can?
Angel: It's in the movie. (Spike glares at him with hate in his eyes)
Hey, I won't enjoy it. (Laughs) Much.
Plus, I also have to sleep with Xander.
(Anya screams from narrator's office)
Anya: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xander can't become gay before our wedding.
Angel: Who the hell was that?
Spike: Oh, the ex. Demon. Don't worry, she can't do anything to foil the plan. (Turns to camera, the one that's filming everything; Anya's T.V. shows what's happening with this camera. He winks at her)
Anya: What the... (Thinks for a second) Oh, got you Spike.
Angel: So, ready to unfreeze time?
Spike: Oh, more than ready. Say, what musical number are we up to anyway?
Angel: Sweet Transvestite.
Spike: Well, you better get in that closet, then.
Angel: Elevator.
Spike: Oh, bloody hell! Just get ready.
Angel: You know what? I've got an excellent feeling about this.
Spike: So do I Angel, so do I.
Scene 10: Sweet Vampire
(Spike goes back to the room he was in and Angel unfreezes time. Everyone in the chorus is standing silently, for they know the great "Frank N Furter" (Angel) is about to answer. Xander and Buffy slowly walk backward from the crowd, for they are scared and deeply disturbed. Their dialogue starts from where they left off. Their backs are facing the elevator.)
(This time, Spike doesn't interrupt. He's too busy looking for a camera. He has every intention on taking a picture of Angel in makeup, a corset and fishnet stockings.)
Buffy: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
Xander: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.
Buffy: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Xander: It's just a party, Janet.
Buffy: Well, I want to go.
Xander: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Buffy: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Xander: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
with their celebration.
Buffy: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Xander: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more... folk dancing.
Buffy: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.
Xander: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
Spike: (mutters to himself) That's REAL assuring
(Buffy turns around and sees the face of Angel. To her and everyone else, it's Frank N Furter. She screams and then faints).
SWEET TRANSVESTITE:
Angel: How do you do?
Spike: Just fine, thanks.
Angel: (Glares at Spike with true hate in his eyes. He doesn't want anything to go wrong, and Spike's wisecracks and lack of knowledge of the lines infuriate him. However, he's so focused on his contempt toward Spike that he manages to screw up his lines as well. He starts the song again, and hopes for the best.)
Angel: How do you do, I see you've met my (pauses for a minute, not sure if he wants to use the original word. However, he wants to stick to the script, and uses the one in the movie). "faithful" handyman.
(Spike chuckles)
He's just a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Spike: Ooooo, we're having a candyman come over!?!?! Yeah! (He bangs his head on the chandelier once more) Okay, now I'm mad! (Spike jumps up and attempts to break the chandelier, but bangs his head once more. He gives up, and is content with making Angel miserable)
Angel: (Ignores Spike and continues the song)
Don't get strung out by the way I look.
Spike: Don't worry, I'm taking pictures!
Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
Spike: Yeah, that's why Drusilla and Buffy left you for me.
(Angel still goes on with his song, but is having a hard time ignoring Spike anymore, and his face is starting to change)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Buffy: Oh my G-d, what's happening to his face?
From Transexual, Transylvania.
(By this time, he has calmed down and his face goes back to "normal" Well, normal for Frank)
Let me show you around
Maybe play you a sound.
You look like you're both pretty groovy.
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal,
Spike: What the hell does abysmal mean?
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
Anya: Who the hell is Steve Reeves?
Xander: I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
Buffy: Right.
Xander: We'll just say where we are,
Then go back into the car.
We don't want to be any worry.
Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?
Well, babies, don't you panic.
Anya: No, panic, panic!
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
Spike: Okay, this song is getting old. I don't even understand half the words you're saying. Just get on with it.
Angel: I would if you stopped interrupting me, you idiot!
(continues with the song)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Spike and Drusilla: [echo] Night.
Angel: Or maybe a (laughs) bite?
Willow: (She licks her lips in a horny kind of way) Bite.
Frank: I could show you my favorite obsession.
Spike: She's already here!
I've been making a man
With blonde hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my....tension
Spike: I knew you were gay! No decent vampire would go around dressed like that!
Angel: You idiot! I'm gonna kill you and your little bitch! (Freezes time, so the humans don't know what's happening. He, Spike and Drusilla are unaffected)
(Angel and Spike start to wrestle on the floor. Drusilla is laughing hysterically)
Drusilla: Boys, boys. Enough fighting! Finish the song, Angel. From Transexual, Transylvania.
HIT IT, HIT IT!
Angel: Wait, how'd you know it was me?
Drusilla: Seeing you and Spike fight like that reminded me of old times. Besides, I had a dream that something like this was going to happen. (Starts spinning around like crazy)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
Angel: (Grabs Drusilla and twirls her around)
Okay, here's the deal. Spike and I were planning on going along with the movie and then eating the chorus and torturing the Slayer until every last human is dead.
Drusilla: Ooooo, sound like fun! But what about Spike's chip?
Spike: What chip? (He grabs a human and eats them very quickly)
Drusilla: Yeah! Spike, Spikey, this means
Spike: I'm back again.
Angel: Alright, I'll give you another chance if you shut up.
(Spike rolls his eyes and Drusilla grins. Angel ignores this, and unfreezes time. He continues singing his song.)
Angel: From Transexual, Transylvania.
So come up to the lab,
And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici - (pauses for 3 seconds) pation.
But maybe the rain
Isn't really to blame.
So I'll remove the cause.
But not the symptom.
(He goes back into the elevator and goes upstairs)
(applause) (Xander and Janet are given towels by Spike and Drusilla. Spike is standing behind Buffy and Dru behind Xander. He knows what part comes next, and is smiling from ear to ear.)
Buffy: Thank you.
Xander: Thank you very much.
Anya: Hell no, you aren't undressing my man!
(Spike grabs the zipper of Buffy's dress and pulls it down very slowly. He then puts his hands on her belt buckle and slowly undoes her belt. He pulls the dress down. He wanted to take her right then and there, but knew it would ruin everything. Instead, he just waits for Drusilla to finish undressing Xander. Buffy is wearing nothing more than a white bra and a white slip.)
Buffy: Oh! Brad!
Xander: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull
out the aces when the time is right. (Drusilla pulls off his pants)
Anya: No, not the tighty whites!
Willow: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.
Xander: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss. (Anya cringes when she hears this)
Willow: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
Xander: People like you maybe.
Willow: Ha! I've seen it.
(She throws the clothes. Xander grabs a shoe to cover himself.)
Anya: No, you idiot. Grab a stake, a weapon, anything useful! Anything but a freakin shoe!
(Spike pours wine into a glass and takes a swig from the bottle.)
Drusilla: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Shift it.
(He doesn't know what to do next. Drusilla motions to him to drop the bottle. He shrugs his shoulders and does so)
(The elevator goes up, on the way to the lab)
Buffy: Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?
(Drusilla cracks up)
Spike: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his (groans. He knows what comes next, and can't bear to say it).
Servants. (Glares menacingly in Angel's direction)
Buffy: Oh.
(The elevator stops, and they are in the lab)
(To be continued)
