Such is life

Disclaimer: I don't own FinalFantasy VIII or any of its components.


Had there been a cliff remotely near, I would've jumped.

Have you ever done something really little that you know, you just know,is gonna wreck something big? One sentence. Just one little "You're gonna take him back to Garden?" and everything was completely ruined. The worst thing of it is that I didn't even think. Sometimes you have to go on instinct, not get caught up in thinking too much. But sometimes… you can't. So now it's all because of me. One person, one phrase, that's all it took. After that, I couldn't speak. All through the train ride to East Academy Station I was trapped in silent visions of my friends and halls of the Garden I call home, crumbling. I could have cried. But I didn't.

When I was little, if I was ever afraid or lonely, I would cry. But I was teased and made fun of just because I wanted someone to share my pain with. Then I was adopted. I honestly don't remember the day, but I think I must've looked forward to it. I wanted and needed friends at the orphanage, but I never thought I had any. I must've waited by the door for hours, but I'm not sure. All I know is that with Ma there was nothing to cry about. I was loved- I could tell! It wasn't the kind of caring hidden in a mystery of the title "Cwy-baby". It was honest-to-Hyne love.

After that, there was Garden. You couldn't cry then. If I had, I don't think I would've ever been able to stop. I couldn't think about how horrible the death would be if it was my own, or how badly it would've hurt knowing that sometimes it would come down to friend or foe. And if it wasn't foe, then... I might have to cry.

I don't remember ever crying in those four years. I would go to the training center and fight until I was so exhausted that I could barely remember my name, let alone what was bothering me. So my tears became punches or kicks. Or silence.

And then they became triumph. It started to feel good to win; it was a measure of my skill. I was just that good, wasn't I? I could take on the world. Maybe it was wrong to feel good about the enemy dying. Maybe it still is. I mean, who am I to say that my feelings are more important and are the only 'right' way? Whoever I'm fighting must have the same exact righteousness, right? Or else why would they be there? Who knows?

But it's still my fault. Didn't Quistis say that it was considered unrelated to Garden? But they bombed us anyway. And it wasn't even my Garden that was crumbling. We had defenses. Trabia didn't. I'll never admit it out loud, but I think I might've felt better if we were the ones that had been hit. It was my fault, wasn't it? I should damn well have to pay for it. The missiles shouldn't have hit somewhere far away enough that I can forget it was my mistake every once in a while. I should have to get up and be reminded of it every day. I don't want people to go, "It really wasn't your fault, Zell. They would've done it anyway." I just want to hear "Yes. This was your responsibility. This is the result of your actions. See how badly it hurt people? Think before you speak." I just want to hear how bad I screwed up. Maybe then I'd feel like I've made it up a little bit. Maybe, should have. Such is life.


Go head, don't be afraid. Review!
I don't even mind flames. If you feel the need to say something, it must have hit a chord, and isn't that what writing should do?