Summary: Piper could barely look after herself before, and now she's got a baby to look after as well? This has trouble written all over it.

Disclaimer: The WB owns the Charmed characters and the brilliant Helen Fielding owns the Bridget Jones's Diary idea. (unfortunately...I wish I thought of something this brilliant.)

Piper Halliwell's Diary

February

6 February 2001

weight - am still giant blimp! Has been one week since damn painful baby expulsion, and am still massive fatty pants; calories - must be zero.cannot be fat mummy; cigarettes - anyone brave enough to smoke near baby Melinda? Will be molecularly manipulated, if ya know what I mean.; alcohol - cannot booze near baby.shouldn't tempt her, she's got another 21 years to go.; times Melinda did giant green poop - enough to make me physically ill.

12.56 pm -- Taking care of sweet little helpless child is a lot more work than I expected. Small child likes to poop, cry and sleep. At least boobs are big. Is one perk. (literally.) Can now rival big boobied sisters.

1.15 pm -- Lurve the lurvely Melinda. Especially because she is sleeping now. She is very peaceful when she sleeps, as well as quiet, which is how I like her. Don't get me wrong, I love Melinda all the time, I just love her more when she's not moving, crying, breathing, kicking.breathing???!!! Omigod!! Omigod, Melinda, Melinda, breathe little helpless child, breathe! Gahhhh!!

1.17 pm -- Melinda is fine. She actually was breathing, I was just being paranoid as all mothers. However, Pheebs and Prue say that I'm always paranoid, so am extra extra paranoid because have maternal paranoia plus Piper paranoia which equals big mutha size paranoia with the power to freeze and explode things. My lovely paranoia gets the best of Leo.yelled my head off for him when I thought Melinda wasn't breathing. He came down all panicky (so cute when he panics.mmm maybe I should yell frantically more often. I could tell him that I feel cold and need to be warmed up right away or I'd die..yes, yes.and that a sweater won't warm me up, only he can. tee hee.) oh, oh, right, anywho, Leo came down and I yelled at him that Melinda wasn't breathing.he panicked even more but then got a little mad at me because Melinda was breathing. So I grinned and told him that since she was sleeping we could.but he said no because he was on duty. Bad Leo. Must get him later, though.

3.30 pm -- Nearly blew up small child. Also nearly blew up dirty diaper. Cannot figure out which one would be worse. Oh, oh, blowing up the child would be much much worse, wouldn't it? Was changing putrid smelling Huggies when got v. disgusted and tried to freeze the smell. Didn't work, instead smell suddenly got stronger. Must've blown smell up because nearly barfed. Melinda poo is barfalicious. Literally. Next time am making Leo change the little land mine. I don't care if Melinda desperately needs a new diaper, will wait until Leo comes home. Is actually v. mean to make little immobile infant sit in goopy diaper, but.oh damn.why is she so cute?! Cannot make her sit in diaper for excess amounts of time.will just yell at Leo and pretend she isn't breathing again.yes, yes.

8 February 2001

2.35 am -- Goddamn child won't sleep. Sure, she sleeps during the damn day when I want to take her out and show her off to people, but won't for the life of her sleep when it's dark. I have graveyard Melinda shift tonight.Leo gets to sleep until 5 am, but at the stroke of five his whitelighter ass is up and my wicca ass is sleeping.

Look Melinda.it's dark out. EVERYONE'S sleeping..Why aren't you?! Grrr. I'll just rock her and sing her a lullaby. Hopefully she'll be the one to fall asleep to the lullaby and not me. Would be v. bad to fall asleep with tiny baby in arms. Aww, Melinda is grabbing my finger. Love it when she does this..

Now she won't let go of my finger.hate it when she does this.

5.01 am -- Leo not appreciative of wake up call. Understandably so, though, because I laid Melinda in her crib and jumped on the bed, yelling in Leo's ear. Was actually going to push Leo off the bed, but remembered that he can't heal himself, and would not like a broken whitelighter. Anywho, Leo's pissed off at me, but I really don't care because it's sleeeeepy time for Piper. Sleeeepy time. Nightie night.

17 February 2001

4.35 pm -- Went on baby shopping-fest today. Was so much fun.well for baby Melinda, that is. All the new clothes went to her and none to me. Boo boo double hoo. Went to Baby Gap and Baby Mexx and all those other teeny tiny little people stores and bought loads and loads of cute little jumpers with stars on them and furry pink sweaters. And then there was the nice little pale yellow jumper Pheebs picked out. Melinda obviously didn't like it much cos she puked on it. Yeah. And then we had to pay for it. Yeuch. Was tempted to spank Melinda but couldn't. No, not because she is too cute (although is part of the reason) but no, is because along with yucky barf, Melinda once again had nasty soggy diaper. Decided to take her to changing table before we got all the new clothes soggy. Would be v. disgusting.

Took Melinda into public washroom (poor dear) to change her but to our dismay there was no changing table. So we improvised. I froze the entire bathroom, locked the doors, and Prue used her TK to keep Melinda floating in the air. Hehe. Then we made Phoebe clean the diaper. Was really quite amusing. Were all like "Sorry, Pheebs, but our hands are busy!" Hahaha. Was priceless. Especially because diaper was extremely smelly. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Okay, Piper. Get over it. Heh. Okay, am done now.

Was v. discouraged because did not find any cute clothing for self. Went into Big Mexx, J. Crew, A|X Armani Exchange, Vicky's Secret, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and others but did not find any clothes to fit me! Am v. depressed. Will go divulge self into ice cream.

No! No! No! No! Ahhh... It's all cos I'm still a tubby mummy. I need to be a yummy mummy! Grr.. when will pregnancy fat magically disappear? Hey.that gives me an idea.I'll be right back.

Don't tell Prue or Leo where have gone. Can tell Phoebe but only if she asks. Strike that.Phoebe still mad about public-washroom-diaper incident. Better not tell Phoebe. For sake of Melinda's future diaper changes, if only that. Okay. Am done rambling. BRB. (haha, internet lingo.am tech savvy mummy too. Oh oh, right. Back to business.)

Seriously think I suffer from mysterious condition called A.D.D. Because am constantly straying from what needs to be done/said..oh crap I didn't feed Kit. Must go feed kitty and then do what was talking about.which was.

Oh right.BOS. Finally.



18 February 2001

3.35 pm -- Lurve lurvely BOS. And Mr. Visa. Had wonderful shopping extravaganza today. Left baby Melinda at home with her auntie Phoebe and dashed off before Phoebe could comment on very slim self. BOS had wonderfully handy spell for me. Twas a disappearing spell. So said it and inserted 'pregnancy fat' when prompted and by the time I woke up this morning was Britney Spears-like slim (but minus gigantic boobies because were pregnancy fat, obviously). Feel much more like yummy mummy. So went out and spent loads on gorgeous designer clothing, sipped lattes and pranced around Union Square like slim celeb. Ooh, lurve BOS. Am worried about Visa bill, but will push worry aside until bill comes in and gigantic amount spent becomes a reality. For now is just a figment of imagination.made a reality by the multiple shopping bags in the foyer. Ah well. Lurve new slim look. Spent at least an hour twirling in new clothes in front of full length mirror in bedroom. Blew kisses at mirror and posed like super celeb at glamorous photo shoot. Uh oh. Footsteps. Shiit! Shiit!!! Must hide stuff..Gaaahhh!!!! Must also hide self. Shiiiiit!!!!!

4.05 pm -- Am not as slim as previously believed. Was not well hidden behind lamp post. However, Prue did notice my gorgeous new figure. Did not approve though, because knew it was magically related.

"But Prue," I said using most innocent face, "I've been working out since I had baby Melinda and it finally paid off."

"Piper, I know that you haven't been to the gym. You hate the gym. The only place you've been is in the Book of Shadows." Prue was not amused. Hmph.

"No I haven't.." I said.I thought I looked v. innocent, Melinda innocent. Prue didn't seem to notice. Perhaps Prue is blind.

"Piper, you better watch out. You're lucky you haven't seen any consequences from that spell. If I were you, Little Miss Personal Gain, I'd go reverse that spell before something bad happens." But then she saw all my bags from the shopping binge. "Okay, before anything ELSE bad happens." She shook her head and left. Thank god. Went back to twirling. Dumb Prue. She's just jealous that she doesn't have my body, my clothes or my beautiful baby. Ahh, speaking of baby! Oh Melinda!! You must see your gorgeous new mummy! Melly-poo! Must go find her. Oh, but will change. Don't want Melinda spitty-uppy on brand new slim wardrobe.

4.15 pm -- MELINDA IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Should never have left darling, sweet, innocent child with Phoebe. Dumb little sister. Stupid, stupid Piper. Never trust Phoebe. Especially not with babies. Always drops them. Oh no, wait, that was Prue. Anyway, anyway, my baby is GONE!!!!!! Leo is going to kill me. Am going to die after only one slim day. Now no one will get to see new slim wardrobe and ooh and ahh admire me. Wah. Oh, remember, remember, back to finding Melinda. Melinda!!!! Uh oh..Leo's here. Shiiit. Shiiiiit. Mega Shiiiit. Wonder if can write spell to make Leo go away, only for a while. Well, until our baby is found. Gahhhhh!!!!

5.00 pm -- Phew!! Am glad did not write spell to send Leo away. Leo came in holding baby Melinda. Tried to act all natural and nonchalant but did not pass with Leo.

"Looking for someone?" Leo did not look amused.

"Whatever could you mean?" Batted eyelashes and gave Leo cute/innocent/flirtatious look. Didn't work. Poo. Is second time today. Must work on it. Ah, back to story.

Desperately wanted to hold baby Melinda but couldn't.couldn't give up pretense of calmness.

"Piper, just what kind of spell did you cast?" Leo was beyond angry. Think he had moved straight to pissed off. Crap.

"Ummm.." Tried again to look innocent.last resort. "Just a small.disappearing spell." Couldn't look at him in eyes. Did not want to see sexy eyes so upset at me.

"And what exactly did you want to disappear?" He was getting madder and redder by the minute. Feared for Melinda's safety. If Leo decided to throw things, baby Melinda would be first. Poor child. However, is probably safter with Leo than with me, considering today's events.

"My pregnancy fat." Was completely honest answer. Do not know why Melinda disappeared. She isn't fat. Well, not really.

"But what did you say in the spell?"

Then it hit me. Whoopsies. "Um.I.uh.asked for what was gained during pregnancy to disappear.I'm so sorry, Leo.I never thought."

"That's right, Piper. You didn't think at all." Was really red now. Colour of brand new Prada slides from Saks that I bought today. "It's a good thing the Elders were watching and realized what happened. They intervened enough with the spell to save Melinda. Do you know what could've happened to her if they didn't get involved? Piper, I don't even want to think about it."

It was then that Leo hurt me more than he ever could. I reached forward to hold baby Melinda, but he held her back. Wouldn't let me hold my own baby.

"No, Piper. First, you go upstairs and reverse that awful spell. Only then will I consider discussing this with you." Leo was clearly furious. So I went to the attic and reversed the spell. I instantly re-gained all the pregnancy flubber, but was worth it, considering almost lost my baby. I felt really bad. Awful, in fact. How could I have ever done something like that? Am horrible, horrible person. Do not deserve to be a mummy. Especially not to wonderful baby Melinda. Do not deserve Leo either. Is such a good daddy, and I am a crap mummy.

Went back downstairs to find Leo sitting in rocking chair with Melinda. Had a feeling that he didn't want to let go of her.especially with me on the loose.

"Leo." Tried to start, but he didn't let me.

"Piper, what on earth were you thinking?" This time his eyes weren't filled with rage. Were filled with pain, and hurt. This caused my heart to sink. Was so sad to see him like this.

"I wasn't. Leo, I wasn't thinking. I was being completely selfish and just wanted to be slim again. I'm so, so sorry. I don't deserve Melinda, or you for that matter." By this time was a complete basket case, sitting at Leo's feet and bawling.

"Piper." Could tell that had broken his tough exterior. Yess.but, back to emotional scene.

"You're such an amazing daddy, and Melinda, well, she's an angel. I can't believe I did something to hurt both of you so much." Leo stroked my hair. Ooh, lurve it when he does that.

"Piper, of course you deserve us. You just made a mistake. A giant mistake, but you're learning from it. You have to know that not only do you have to worry about consequences for yourself, you have to know that Melinda or I may be a part of those consequences." I still wasn't convinced.

"Piper, I love you, and I will always love you. I was just upset, and disappointed. But I know that you'll never ever do something like that again." I shook my head. I'd never ever hurt baby Melinda or Leo again. Reached up to hold baby Melinda and this time Leo handed her over. Stood up and rocked Melinda in my arms.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I'll never ever hurt you again. I promise." And I kissed her tiny little forehead.

"Come here." Leo smiled at me. Went and sat on his lap, with Melinda still in my arms.

"Oof, you're heavy." Smirked Leo.

"Not funny, Leo. That's why I cast the spell in the first place. I hate feeling so fat."

"Piper, you're not fat. And remember, you'll always be beautiful to me, no matter what. I love you." We spent the next hour or so snuggled on the rocking chair. Eventually we had to get up because got uncomfortable after a while and Leo's feet were falling asleep. Was really quite an emotional afternoon. Was v. drained and needed nap. So took one. Only was different than other naps, because Leo had one too, and we laid Melinda between us. Neither of us wanted to let her go.

27 February 2001

12.15 pm -- Has been just over a week since v. bad spell incident, and have had lots of time to think. Will never ever do that again. Yes, have said that many times since incident, but really, will never ever cast another personal gain spell. Could potentially hurt Melinda and Leo, and would die if anything ever happened to either. Motherhood is v. interesting; has taught me many things would never ever learn from sisters. Do not care if personal gain spell hurts sisters.well, actually, I lie. I do, but I know that they can deal with it. Baby Melinda, on the other hand, cannot. Ooh, lurve baby Melinda so much. Will never hurt her again. Ever. Am going to cuddle her for a bit now. Ta ta.