CHAPTER 8

Throughout the days he helped her, she discreetly studied him, trying to find out what it was about him that drew her. She felt totally comfortable whenever he was around, which was next to all the time. Slowly, she felt the walls disassemble themselves till she couldn't feel them anymore. It was a scary feeling to have no front and let the world see the real her. The front had been there since nearly the beginning of the war when her father started changing. She didn't know how to act.

Emotions started peeking through on a regular basis. She had no way of stopping them and for once, it felt good to get out happiness or anger. But more often than not, elated feelings surfaced. She felt the inner anger she carried for years dissipate slowly till she couldn't remember WHY she was mad. She almost felt like forgiving her father, but couldn't let go of the obvious reason she left. Every time she thought about it, frustration DID surface a little.

Her gaze traveled to Trowa while they moved things, leaving yet another colony for another. Had she not left, she would never have met Trowa. She would never have felt this normal in her life. She smiled slightly, nearly feeling like she had when she was a child. She had grown up too fast in the past few years, now was the time to revel in freedom of expression. The smile widened.

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Days turned to weeks and soon they were in the last colony. She was almost sad to head back to Earth. It seemed to carry all the memories of her past. Her alternate self seemed to thrive in space where nothing could lay claim to her. For the past two and a half months, she felt lighter than she had in years. It was a good feeling.

But having been able to get in touch with her true self, she felt strong enough to go back to Earth. 'I can't hide forever.' She dimly thought. Her eyes stared out at the colony before they closed the circus for the last time. Nighttime roamed through the top of their surrogate home. 'I've hid myself for too long already. I need to take charge.' Resolve rooted through her veins. 'Nothing can hurt me anymore unless I LET it.' Looking at the job she had taken, she walked to it. Jumping to the top of the cage, she waved to those below her.

"Let's get going." She said. A few people nodded and the cage was lifted into the truck with the others. After it was in, she jumped down and looked at the horses. "I must do what the others tell me." She whispered to them. One tossed its head in understanding. "I'm sorry I can't be near you as I would like, but this is for both our sakes." It neighed softly, hushing her apology. She nodded slightly, feeling grateful tears fill her eyes. Bowing her head against the bars, both eyes closed. "Thank you." She whispered. "This is still new to me."

After all the animals were in the truck, she jumped in the back. Trowa stayed with the others, allowing her to be alone with those that befriended her in the beginning. He had spent enough time with her today and he trusted she wouldn't make the same mistakes she had in the past. The ride to their temporary home was a thoughtful one for him. He marveled at how she'd changed. She'd opened up greatly in the past few weeks. She told him not long ago that she almost felt like her real self; there were only a few things she had to get over still.

Resting an elbow on the door, teeth lightly nibbled his finger. Recently, his feelings had increased little by little the more he was near her. The more he saw her smile or voiced her opinion about something made him glad he defended her so long ago. Her past was the only thing he seemed in the dark on. She hadn't really talked about it while they were together, but he knew it was the main thing still troubling her. Still, he hoped to know it all someday.

He wondered if she would ever feel the same about him as he did her. He watched her when she wasn't looking or expecting it, just to see if he could spot the emotions in her eyes. If she felt the same way, it would be easy to find them when she was around him. Part of him hoped she did. 'But she's good at hiding her feelings. Kind of like you.' He told himself. One reason he figured he could see her emotions, BECAUSE she was so like him. He almost had her entirely figured out.

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"Tonight's our last night." She softly stated, eyes never moving from the blaze in front of them.

"Are you ready to go back to Earth?" He asked, also looking at the fire. Slowly, she poked the stick in near the hearth. A small set of sparks flew, but not putting anything in danger of catching fire. Her eyes continued to watch it.

"I don't know." She nearly whispered. It wasn't easy to talk in a normal tone due to the scary feeling that enveloped her, but she felt better with Trowa's presence so close. She mentally gathered strength from him. Her lips pursed slightly. She STILL didn't know what was going on with her, but she had long since stopped fighting the feelings and just rolled with them. Months ago, she tried to deny whatever they were. Now, if she felt emotions when Trowa was around, she tried to act accordingly with them. She was trying to establish a symbiotic relationship and slowly succeeding. "I've just gotten used to being out here. It'll be hard to adapt to realistic nature again." He smiled slightly, knowing how she had complained about the inauthenticiy of the colonies in the past.

"And the gravity." He added, looking at her out of the corner of his eye. Her lips nearly formed a pout. A smile tugged more on his lips.

"That shouldn't be TOO much a problem since there's gravity inside the colonies." She pulled the stick back and looked at the blackened end blankly. "But I WILL miss the feeling of flying through the ship." She smiled slightly. Each time they flew to a different colony, she went back to cargo to play around. And since Trowa stayed by her side since he made his promise, the two performed all sorts of flips and spins. Each voyage was imprinted in her memory, and the emotions locked deep inside her heart. Her smile widened. "No more playing around." She joked, hinting at their times on the ship. His own smile peeked out a little more.

"I'll miss that as well." She stole a discrete look at him. He was looking at her the same way. Her face turned to his. He noticed and copied her.

"Where will we be when we go back to Earth?" She asked softly. He wondered what she meant, so took the question at face value.

"You'd have to talk to the ringmaster on that one. I'm not in charge of the schedule." She nodded thoughtfully and looked on as she poked her stick into the ground. She had wondered about their personal situation, but wasn't going to outright ask. She hoped he would read into it and give her a way out, but he apparently hadn't.

'Oh well.' She thought glum. Comfortable silence enveloped them. Talk from others surrounded their ears, making the whole scene that much more enjoyable. Washu looked around the immediate area. The whole thing felt normal. She felt like she had done this for years, not just months. She liked it. Her gaze ended up on Trowa as he stared at the fire. She didn't know what it was about his eyes that drew her own to his. She felt unabashed just to stare into them, watching the fire cast dancing sparks of light across a valley of green. To watch the highlights that cast themselves into his light brown hair.

Trowa felt her eyes, but didn't have a problem with her staring at him. He fought the conscientious smile that tried to surface. What caused her to openly stare at him? Slowly, his eyes turned to her, the rest of his face turning soon afterward. She blocked the urge to move her eyes from his and brazenly looked on. His eyes moved from hers and the smile slowly made its appearance. She blinked, slightly wide-eyed.

"What?" She looked behind her shoulder. "What it is?"

Slowly, the hand in between them reached around her and encircled the large mass of unbraided hair. She had become accustomed to leaving it unbraided except when she was handling the animals. It made her feel even MORE like her old self, since she hardly put any restrictions on the raven locks when she was a child. Pulling it around her shoulder revealed an entangled leaf near the end. His other hand moved to carefully untangle it from her locks. Situating the mass of midnight over her shoulder, he held up the leaf. Smiling a little more, he twirled the prize in between two fingers, letting her know the reason behind his actions. Then his gaze moved to the fire in front of him and the leaf was wordlessly tossed in.

Her eyes wouldn't leave the hand that repositioned her hair. She couldn't even blink. He intimately touched her spontaneously, but she felt no qualms about it. Had she changed so much that she allowed him to touch her without caring? 'Yes.' She thought instantly. She would allow it again just to feel the soothing sensation that caressed her scalp from his touch. Involuntary shivers spread from her back and touched every vein in her fingers and toes. He looked around as if nothing was wrong, seemingly unaffected. Slowly, she looked back at the fire. Unsettling, restless itches started rising up till she felt like she had to do something, to keep busy somehow. Her gaze landed on her tent behind the fire. An idea hit.

"Be right back." She said, quickly getting up. Anything to get away from his close proximity. He was muddling her thoughts, making it hard for her to do anything right. She forced a casual, slow walk around the fire.

He watched her go with a slight smile. He knew she was affected by what he did, he could see it in her eyes. He could sense the change in her posture and the way her back slouched the farther she got from him. He watched her disappear into the tent and looked around casually as he waited for her return.

Once she was on the other side of the canvas, she turned to the flaps and grasped either one. Pulling it apart a crack to peek through, she stared at Trowa's general direction, even though his body was hidden by the flames. "What is this feeling?" She whispered baffled. Her eyes shut and head lowered till her forehead touched the fabric. "What are you doing to me Trowa?" She asked. Oh how she wished she could talk to her mother about this, to make things clearer. She wanted to point out exactly what she was feeling with her, but she was alone in dealing with this. Trowa was always around and she wanted to be alone to meditate. But anymore, the idea of being alone disturbed her. She slowly peeked out of the hole again. "When did I wish your presence around me?"

Slowly, she turned to the guitar case and opened it up. Her grandfather's guitar laid waiting and her fingers itched to strum again. She picked it up and shouldered the large thing, her main body nearly swallowed up. She knew it was in tune because she hadn't played it that much with them being busy with the shows and all. Turning, she stopped and peeked out as before. "I'm nervous." She softly realized. "It'll be hard to play around him, music is my soul." She blinked and swallowed hard. "Here goes nothing." She whispered. Purposely pulling the fabric aside, she walked back to him and sat down without a word. Immediately her fingers went to the basic chords, making sure everything was in tune, just in case. Her eyes closed, allowing her ears to perk up. That finished, she strummed a nonsense tune lazily, confidently. Her eyes stayed close, making the music speak for her.

He listened with an interested ear. Magic seemed to flow from her fingertips as she hit each chord, creating an unknown melody. He felt so at ease to listen to her play all night. People around looked over at them and a few moved over a few feet to hear better. They were captivated, as he was, by her gift. He stole a glance at her and smiled gently. Her body seemed small compared to the instrument she held. Her small, slender fingers seemed to stretch to reach each string. Her head bent toward the guitar, eyes closed still. She looked so at peace with what she was doing.

As she tirelessly began another song, his eyes drooped slightly. One arm moved to his knee to keep his head propped up. He wanted to stay up and listen to her play, even though her methodic playing was putting him to sleep. It was like a nighttime lullaby played from an old-fashion music box. He stifled a yawn with his other hand, trying to keep awake. Soon after, he gave up. He noticed a few others also got up and headed to their own tents in the same condition he was in. He inwardly smiled. She worked her magic through her playing.

One hand came up and rested lightly on her shoulder. Her head jerked up toward the source and found Trowa staring at her with half closed eyes. The corners of her mouth twitched. "I'm heading to my tent." She nodded.

"I'm going to stay up a little longer. I'm not exactly tired." He nodded and stood up. Comfortably crossing his arms, he slowly ambled over. She plucked a few more chords, continuing.

"Good night Washu." He called over his shoulder.

"Sweet dreams Trowa." She impulsively responded. His step paused briefly and her fingers hit a wrong chord. Had she REALLY SAID that? Her eyes quickly darted to his back, but he kept on going to his tent. She forced herself to keep playing, even though a blush was starting.

'Stupid, stupid, STUPID!' She silently berated. Her eyes screwed shut. Her right hand tightened as each finger moved to a string. 'Oh WHY did I have to say that?' She sighed and tried to hide the blush on her face, hoping the fire would cast horrible lighting. She looked around at the small handful that still stayed and met their eyes. They looked at her and smiled slightly. A few took some spots that were vacated, feeling more at ease than they ever had around her. She returned the smile and kept playing, keeping with the same melody. Her mind started running through what she was feeling, trying to make sense of it all. She almost wished Quatre were around; he would be able to help her out.

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He looked up at the world with large eyes, feeling hunger take over. He wanted to get something to satisfy that, but was unable to move his arms. Somehow, he didn't feel trapped, just impatient that his needs weren't getting met.

Someone looked over him with a smiling face and bright eyes. "There, there Triton. If you keep squirming, you'll fall over." A young, female voice chided. He felt something tighten around him and tried to look around. Realizing he was being held by the person that talked to him, he tried to move his arms. The person laughed gaily, apparently amused by his movements.

A sudden explosion threw him from the person cradling him. Screams sounded by more than his caretaker. He was confused, wondering what was going on. The warmth that was being provided, vanished. He hit something hard after feeling like he was flying through the air. Pain seared him soon afterwards. He cried out, a pitiful mewl the only thing coming from his voice. He stared at the blue sky of the day.

Blackness quickly swallowed his vision up. Then the veil lifted and he was older, with the mercenaries he knew as a child. Back when he was called Nanashi. When people looked at him as less than a human because all he knew was how to kill. Midii's face flashed across his vision. Their meeting fast-forwarded through his mind. 'What's going on?' He mentally wondered. The voice in his head was older than he looked, which struck him as odd. Shouldn't he have a child's voice if he was physically so?

Blackness surrounded him a second after he shot the medallion she had given him. Then the stars peeked out. Slowly at first, then by the millions. He raised both hands to see a suit on him. The gloved hands went for his face, but were stopped. A helmet. He dropped his hands and tried to look around, but found his movements restricted. 'Space.' He silently realized. The voice in his head was still the same. His gaze moved to his body to see what he looked like. He was older, the same as now. 'But what is now?' He asked. 'What is going on? Why am I in space?'

Memories flashed through of seemingly a few minutes ago. Phrases he spoke in his normal voice echoed through his ears. 'That's right. I tried to help a friend.' He realized. 'Now I could die out here, alone.' But for some reason, he didn't want to be alone. He went limp and let the void carry him. He tried to reason with himself just WHY he didn't want to be alone. He'd been alone all his life. He had no family, no friends. The only people he was ever around were those that taught him to kill, not something a child should EVER learn. The other four that he fought with were only there with the same purpose he had, to change the tides of a monarchy power. Then what was keeping him from accepting his fate in the middle of nowhere?

Faces floated through his mind. He recognized a few from the circus. 'Catherine.' He said gently. He remembered what she said when he tried to self-destruct his Gundam. 'Is she the reason I don't want to be alone?' Something told him it was and it wasn't. But it had to be either yes or no, not in between. He looked around the vast quantities of stars. 'But there's nothing I can do about getting back. I'm stuck out here.' He had to face it; he WAS going to die in space. Sorrow filled his soul. His eyes slowly closed. 'I'm sorry.' He mentally said. But WHO was he apologizing to? It felt like he was forgetting someone.

His eyes opened to look at the black of space. 'Black.' Black eyes and hair the same color of space took shape in his head. A small, upturned nose with full lips added to the puzzle. High cheekbones and a delicate chin completed the riddle. He realized that this was the one person he would leave behind. 'But who is she?' Indeed, who was this person to him? Her face seemed to materialize in the stars. Eyes and hair nearly vanished since they blended so well with his surroundings. The stars put sparkles in her dark attributes, making her eyes seem alive. A hand slowly moved to reach for her, as if trying to touch her. Answers he sought were not coming to him. If this person seemed so emotionally special to him, why was her face a mystery to his soul? What was the missing piece he couldn't find? 'What is she to me?'

Posing it differently seemed to put an answer almost within reach. Her face smiled gently as if she was looking right at him. He blinked. Unrecognizable words whispered in his ears, a soft whispery female voice spoke to him. Soft comforting feelings enveloped him, putting him at ease. It seemed to come from the vision in his mind's eye. He felt entirely comfortable around this vision he never knew. But, how could he feel like this with a stranger? Words akin to love filled his head, giving him the answer. 'Love?' He didn't know what that was. 'I...LOVE this person?' He silently asked. The face seemed to peer through him with those eyes the color of space. The girl smiled sweetly at him, those eyes dancing with joy. A smile seemed to fill his mind.

The darkness swallowed her, and everything else, from his vision. He tried to look around, but couldn't see and gave up. He was unable to move his arms or legs. The haze cleared and he felt something repeatedly hitting him on the head, but not hurting him. When he looked up, it hit his eye, though not injuring it. A hand covered his eyes as he looked around at unfamiliar buildings. His clothes seemed stuck to his body, restricting his movements. 'I'm getting rained on.' He realized. The voice was still the same, but hollow. He felt lost and alone. No wind blew, but he trembled from the feeling of isolation. He was alone, but somehow, he didn't WANT to be. His head kept down, a large part of his hair covering some of his face from the rain. He walked on with both hands in his pockets; posture slouched from the realization that he was lonely.

A person called out. He ignored it, too surrounded by the desolate feeling in his heart. What would happen to him? The person called out again. "Trowa?" Something caused him to look up. The same smiling face and bright eyes looked on, though extremely different. He blinked in faint recognition. He KNEW her? But he didn't know anyone. He didn't even remember how he got to wherever here WAS. Her pleasant face turned to one of worry as she looked him up and down. "Goodness Trowa, what happened to you?" She asked concerned.

He tried to form the words on his tongue, searching for her name. What WAS her name? His mouth slowly gaped open. "Cath...rine?" He stuttered softly.

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His eyes popped open, relieving him from the horrifying dream. He quickly sat up and looked around. It took a second to remember where he was. When he recognized the darkness held at bay by outside light shining through the fabric, he exhaled a small shaky breath. A hand came to his face, harshly rubbing his skin. Moisture met his fingertips and he was surprised that he was sweating. The other came up and he bent over slightly, leaving both hands covering his face. Elbows met his knees as they rose upward. The feelings of desolation and isolation seemed to return as his eyes saw that familiar darkness. He unconsciously shivered.

Some of the dream was strange to him, but the rest he remembered. It had happened to him during the war. But...what was the beginning half? Was that something that happened to him when he was a child? It seemed that scenes of his life were playing through his head like a movie reel. All it showed was how alone he'd been all his life, giving him a reason to feel those solitary feelings. It was uncomfortable, he didn't like them. He pulled his hands away from his face, taking away the dark. The darkness was an enemy, it brought on empty emotions that he didn't want to feel again. Deep green eyes stared at the covers blankly. It had been rampant all his life, but he didn't want to feel alone anymore. He didn't want to BE alone anymore.

He looked at the small crack in the flap. Small beams of light shone through, inviting him to come out and enjoy them. Something in his heart seemed to beckon him to go outside in that light. It was dim, but it wasn't the darkness. Something was out there that he wanted. 'But what?' He asked. Mentally and emotionally disturbed, he harshly tossed the covers off his lower body and nearly yanked the flap open in his haste to leave the visions behind.

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After Trowa had left, those that stayed behind slowly followed till she was the only one up. For the first time in many weeks, she was glad to be alone. She had been mentally arguing with herself about her situation, trying to deny something that she had been experiencing day in and day out for a while. She just didn't know how to classify it and since she argued it out, she now knew what emotion she was experiencing. It was something she DID feel before, but not with Trowa. With her parents and grandparents. She didn't think it would be capable with him, but when she came up with a name it all made sense. All the emotions she was warring with settled and she felt at peace. 'It's not possible.' She mentally denied again. But part of herself denied her statement.

'But it all makes sense.'

She continued to play as she fought with her heart. Her mind just didn't think it possible to experience love, but her heart was telling her it was so. She wondered how it happened. Washu sighed. The guitar strummed on, her muse working yet again in her favor. Inspiration gave her the strangest words to work with. But she wasn't going to argue on THIS aspect, she just wished she had her sketchbook she could write them down with. If she remembered, she was going to put everything on paper before she forgot. It would be something she could surely recant again, just as she had the other song she sang so long ago. The guitar strummed on.

Can you hear it in my voice?

Was it something I let slip?

Does the whole world know?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm the one who's in control, now I'm acting like a fool

Do my feelings show, is my face aglow?

Isn't it obvious?

That I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm feeling like a little girl

Caught up in emotions, I'm out of control

Isn't it obvious?

She wistfully looked up at the fake moon that the colony created. The feeling of rampant love filled her voice. It was all true, but she HOPED she kept it under control. She didn't want to embarrass herself around Trowa and possibly damage their friendship. That meant too much to her right now to cast away after such hard work.

Do you see my hands, they tremble

Wonder why I can't look you in the eye?

Don't know how long I can keep this inside

Isn't it obvious?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm feeling like a little girl

Caught up in emotions I'm out of control

Isn't it obvious?

Oh suddenly, these emotions are in control of my heart

Can you see it in my eyes?

Every glance, every smile must give me away

Cause I feel so much I can't hide

Ohhh, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm feeling like a little girl, a little girl

Caught up in emotions I'm out of control

Isn't it obvious?

A blush filled her face. She hoped no one heard, she didn't want to feel anymore embarrassed than she currently did. If she DID love Trowa, she wasn't going to say anything. She wasn't going to try and act any differently to make him thing something was up. She WASN'T going to jeopardize their current relationship for her passing fancy. Her eyes stared at the dying fire. She blinked in shock. 'I've been awake quite a while.' She realized. Most of the time she spent staring at her guitar as she played. But she wasn't tired. These emotions she was warring with were keeping her up. 'And the fact that I'm going home.' She added. 'Will I be strong enough to deal with it?' Her fingers slowly plucked out the melody again. 'Will I be able to forgive?' Her jaw clenched. For once, she couldn't readily say no. It was a scary realization. Her fingers stilled in their playing.

The sound of canvas quickly moving in total silence jerked her attention away. Concern surrounded her when she saw the strange way Trowa was walking. His quick gait was forcefully slow. Arms crossed tightly over his chest, like he was trying to shield himself from something. Like he was extremely uncomfortable. 'I hope you're okay Trowa.' She immediately thought. She followed him with her eyes until he vanished behind a tent. Her muscles clenched and jerked, trying to get her to stand. But she resisted them, multiple times. 'No.' She told herself. 'It's not my place to interfere. He looked like he wanted to be alone.'

"I promise YOU that I will help you whenever you need it without backing down. I won't turn you away, don't turn ME away."

Her jaw clenched. 'Screw it. I promised him I'd be there for him.' She knew that wasn't true, but she was going to change the reasons behind that conversation to justify her actions. That way if she had to explain herself she wouldn't have to stutter and explain her real motives; the need to comfort him. It was so overpowering that she only fought another jerk before quickly standing. Her guitar was nearly yanked from her torso and quickly set down. She wasn't going to be so careless and break or scuffle it.

Nearly jumping to her feet, she walked around the fire and the path he took, hoping she didn't lose him. She looked around in the near darkness, trying to figure out which way he'd gone. Her eyes landed on the small grove of trees around them and she moved to them quickly.

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He wanted to talk or even think out what he was going through, but that was extremely hard. He kept drawing a blank in his mind. Hugging his legs a little tighter, chin on his knees, he stared straight ahead blankly. He couldn't explain this feeling because he'd never experienced it before, with anyone. He couldn't say that he loved Cathy because he cared for her only as kin. He knew she did the same and that was their bond. He didn't know if THAT was love, but he wasn't going to analyze it. What he DID want to figure out was his feelings for Washu.

'How can I love her?' He wondered. His eyes closed and he buried his head in his knees, bringing darkness upon him again. It was all too confusing to him and mildly frustrating. But he didn't want to banish this feeling because he'd dealt with it for too long already. 'Is that what I've been feeling for so long?' He wondered.

His ears picked up quiet movement, but he made no move to look up. No one in the colony would be up this late and there was only one person he knew who would go after him. She was the only one around the camp he saw before he left. "Trowa?" She asked softly. She crept away from a tree timidly, closer to his bunched up form. "Are...you okay?" She bit her lip when he didn't acknowledge her or move. His head continued to rest against his knees. She stopped in between him and the tree she took shelter against, unsure how to continue. When she saw him, she felt concern from the way he sat. She didn't have any clue what was going on with him, but if she could help she would. He'd helped her so much in the past, it was the least she could do. She edged closer till she was directly behind him. Moving off to one side, she slowly sat down, keeping an eye on the back of his head the entire time if he moved.

He honestly didn't know what to tell her, so he kept silent. He felt her presence extremely close and slowly moved his head to look at her. She copied his stance, but looked straight ahead. Her hair cascaded down her back and a few inches pooled around her on the ground. She slowly rocked on her rear, apparently waiting for him to say something. He racked his brain for words. "I didn't know you were still up." He softly responded. It was lame, but it was all he could come up with. He was too taken by the way the moon lit her hair from the small sparkles that shot through the leaves. It was the same as his dream. The light that bounced off the stream they sat in front of hit her eyes, making them dance. She was the same vision that haunted him even in sleep.

Washu didn't look over at him. She knew something was bothering him by hearing it in his voice. She glanced at him with the corner of her vision. "I still haven't felt tired." She turned her face towards his a degree. "Are you okay?" She noticed the haunted look in his eyes and her concern kicked up another notch. She'd never seen him look like this before and it was a new experience. Still, she silently vowed to help any way she could. If she needed to talk to him, she would. Nowadays, she was comfortable with speaking in great lengths with him.

He looked at the stream to avoid her eyes. He felt apprehensive with her sitting a few inches away. How could he explain something that he hardly understood himself? To say that he loved her could possibly drive her away. He knew she was aware of everything he'd expressed to her, little by little. To tell her something so profound would be too much for her to bear. He wasn't going to risk their friendship either. He'd worked too hard to build it; one wrong blow could throw her trust away. He knew she trusted him and he didn't want to ruin it.

"Just a bad dream." He responded absently. He was still trying to figure out what that WAS. Was it an omen? It seemed that way, since it made him realize something important.

"It must've been pretty unsettling to chase you away from your bed." She softly commented. She still rocked on, feeling younger than her sixteen years. She hadn't done such an action since she was a child.

He knew that statement was left extremely open. An invitation to talk about it? It was a tempting offer. "I'm not too sure what it was." He softly began. "There were a lot of images, some I don't even know of what." Trowa's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "There were some things that I recognized from my past...which is strange."

"Why's that?" She softly asked. He looked at the water.

"I don't remember much of my past. A lot of it is a blank or not desirable to commit to memory." He darkly muttered. Her gaze turned sympathetic as she stared at the darkness. A horrible fate to not want to remember your past.

'We're more alike than I thought.' She thought. 'Uncanny.'

"Why would you not want to remember your past?" She asked softly. He shook his head minusculy.

"My life hasn't been the most treasureable. There's a lot that I wish had never happened, but there's not a lot I can do to change it." She cast her eyes back to his sideways face. He looked forlorn.

"Like what?" She asked, unsure if she should pry or not. He quickly glanced at her, then back at the stream.

"I was in the war." His jaw clenched slightly. "Not one of my better experiences." Her eyes widened.

"You feel comfortable around him enough to tell him the past. He CAN be trusted. You know not of HIS past my daughter. You were with your family the whole time I was at war. I have seen things you haven't. I know who Trowa is. I know some of HIS origins."

Her father's voice echoed in her ears. She called him crazy before, but now she had to rethink that. He seemed wiser than he appeared. Being dead must've changed his thinking a little. She forced a smirk from appearing. She didn't want Trowa to think it was about him. Washu stayed silent, content to listen to him talk. She could listen to him all day, he had a nice voice. She inwardly smiled.

"The things that happened before the war..." He shook his head bewildered. "The only memories I have were being trained by mercenaries when I was a child." He looked at his knees. "I have no memories of my parents, I had no home to go to. Killing was all I knew." She thought the situation slightly ironic. Here SHE was running from her past, whereas HE simply seemed to have none. Both tried to keep themselves in the present and not let their horrific pasts consume them. Trowa would always wonder what his early, early childhood would be like and Washu would always regret her recent years.

Her concern soared through her eyes and she didn't bother to hide it. To be taught nothing but how to kill at such a young age... She wouldn't wish herself to go through that. But in a diluted way, she had. Her grandfather taught her martial arts to use if needed. She was able to kill, but didn't.

A hand reached out and rested on his back. Tortured green eyes moved to her face, meeting her concerned black ones. She gave him a small smile, unable to find the words. He wouldn't WANT sympathy for something that already happened, but she didn't want to be so careless with his presence. "We're extremely alike." She commented softly. His eyes narrowed in confusion. Her eyes dropped to his arms. "But you have it better than I do. I wish I could not remember my past." A hand came out and gripped her chin, using a small amount of strength. She looked into his eyes alarmed. They were slightly angry. Her brow worriedly arched up somewhat.

"NEVER say you wish to forget your roots. I know you've had it extremely rough, but you can remember good times with your family. That's more than I WILL ever experience." He lectured, small venom lacing his voice. He let go of her chin and turned to look at the stream again, slightly frustrated. How could ANYONE not want to remember their past?

She looked down at the ground by her feet, feeling thoroughly chastised. She hadn't really thought about it that way, and felt slight pity towards the one who would never know his mother or father. She wouldn't know what to do if she couldn't know her mother or grandparents. They were the ones she connected with throughout her entire family. He just didn't know why she wanted to forget though. It seemed he should, just so he could understand WHY she wanted to forget certain parts. She looked at him shyly. "You're not mad at me, are you?" She softly asked. He quietly sighed and closed his eyes.

"I will never be mad at you. But it's just frustrating when you wish to forget something you apparently cherish." He looked at her with serious eyes. "From my perspective, it's hard for ANYONE to wish that. I'm on that side of the coin and I wouldn't wish it on my enemy." She broke their gaze and looked down guiltily. "I just don't know WHY you would want to forget your parents, the people who gave you LIFE."

Softly, she ground her jaw as she decided. "I don't wish to forget everything." She softly defended after a minute. "Just the more recent years right before the war, up to the reason I ran away." She looked back at him with sorrowful eyes. His gaze softened on reflex. "I guess I should rephrase my previous statement and say that I wish to forget anything that ever dealt with my father during the start of the war. Before that, he was a good man." She looked away and stared at her sneakers. "But he changed."

"What happened to him?" He asked. His heart started speeding up. Would he REALLY get the answers he so long sought out?

Her eyes narrowed thoughtfully as she reflected. "When the war started he seemed fine. Those few times he came back during the lull, it seemed to strain his once happy exterior. He was constantly frustrated about the war and having to fight." Washu looked ahead. "I spent a lot of my time with my grandparents. To stay away from him and keep safe." Her eyes closed slowly, painfully. "I hardly saw my mother during his stays. I always stayed with my grandparents." She looked at Trowa again. "I learned my martial arts from my grandfather. He said it would keep me safe when he wasn't around to protect me. In the end, I was forced to use it."

His eyes narrowed in small confusion. She rested her chin on both knees and stared ahead. "Each time I was around him, I had to be quiet to keep from angering him. One reason I spent so much time at my grandparents. I caught him in a few spots and he used to...hit me sometimes. Blaming me for some of his problems." Washu closed her eyes to keep from looking at Trowa. She didn't know if she could take his pity if she did. Scenes flashed through her mind.

"When the war was over he was a wreck. He had no job, no way to feed us. My mother used some of the money she'd saved during the hard times to buy food. She was conservative like that. It's where I learned to sew, to repair old clothes to make them last a little longer." Her eyes opened slowly, dull from those old emotions. "He became depressed when he couldn't find work and took to the bottle. I was hardly home. Times when he was gone and I COULD go home, I saw my mother with bruises on her face and arms...what she COULDN'T hide." Her jaw clenched. "It didn't take long for the alcohol to take him captive. Soon he was obsessed with his problem. It was worse when my grandmother died from old age." Her eyes misted. "She went to sleep and I guess her heart gave out. My grandfather went soon after." Her eyes closed sadly. "With no other choice, I was forced to go home. My father seemed annoyed that my mother grieved for her parents and used it against the both of us."

Her head turned even farther from Trowa's body as if trying to hide herself as well. "I came home one night from an errand my mother sent me on, to just get me from the house. When I came back, she was in the living room...d...dead." She had finally said it, admitted what she had fought so hard to deny. Now she couldn't anymore. Silent tears made their way down her cheeks as she grieved for her beloved relative. She sniffled once, hoping her voice was strong enough to continue. She had oh so much more to go.

Trowa looked on in shock. How could someone do such a horrible thing?? And she was there after it happened. No wonder she didn't want to remember.

"I didn't know where father was and I immediately went to my mother. He seemed to come from nowhere and attacked me, blaming me for every problem that plagued him. A long time ago, I learned to let all the insults roll off of me. So when he thought I'd have been better off not being born, I didn't take it on." Trowa's jaw clenched in anger. How could someone say such a thing to their own CHILD? It was a good thing the man was nowhere NEAR him, or he would kill him himself.

"I was able to avoid most of his attacks, but I was still stunned at what I had seen." A hand came to her cheek, lightly rubbing where he'd struck her so long ago. "I crawled under the table, but he grabbed my ankle, still rambling on that I was a mistake. I was able to kick him and free myself. I ran while I had a chance, but it was out of panic. I ended up in their bedroom and realized soon after I was trapped. I could hear him running after me and I asked for strength from my grandparents." Her arm wrapped around both legs, hugging them as tightly to her body as she could. "I attacked him back, making a move to defend myself. I had been forced to stay silent whenever he was around, not being able to speak in his presence. I was insulted for being myself and being born so I built a shell around my true self to keep it from dying. I'd had enough. I had to use what my grandfather taught me to save my life. He was too drunk to fight back properly, but he had strength on his side."

Tears kept falling down as she spoke. This part was the worst of it all, but she had come so far in her explanation, she couldn't stop now. "I took a few blows and he started getting the upper hand again. I knew that he kept a few...'souvenirs' from the war in his drawer. Perhaps I lucked out in running there...I don't know. I managed to stun him long enough to grab a pistol he kept in the top drawer." Trowa's mouth gaped open silently. "I warned him I knew how to use the gun and I'd use it on him, but he kept going. He told me I should take what I had coming; that I was asking for it. I realized that he would never change back to the kind man he was. It was either me or him... I pulled the trigger on the gun." Her eyes closed, the shot echoing in her ears. "I'd never shot a gun before that day and I never will again. I CAN'T. I had to kill my own father before he killed ME."

She sniffled again, trying to keep it quiet. NEVER had she felt so utterly exposed and emotionally naked as she did now. Not after all she'd been through with Trowa and Cathy did she ever feel this way. She could only wait and see what he would do. She only hoped he wouldn't reject her, turn her away because she killed someone from self-defense. He just HAD to understand, now that he knew EVERY-thing. He just HAD to. She had never felt so shamed to be in his presence. Although he said he was in the war, and probably killed as well, it was what he'd done all his life. She was stained by the blood of her father and it could never be changed. She never felt so dirty as she did just then.

The news was taking a while to sink in and it was the whole reason he hadn't done anything yet. He knew she suffered a horrible past, but he could never have imagined sweet, kind Washu doing something so appalling. He was stained with the blood of millions from the war and didn't regret taking those lives. Such was the sacrifice for war. But she should never have had to face such a burden. To kill or be killed. It was a repulsive law to live by. He already knew of this law and abided by it before. He wouldn't wish it on anyone.

She looked over at him to see how he took every shred of news. Her shoulders turned somewhat as she faced him. He was in apparent shock, but nothing else that she could pick out. Tears continued to fall. "Do you understand why I want to forget parts of my past?" She nearly pleaded. "I had to run away to keep from dragging my mother's name through the mud. The papers would eat up such a thing and I would be subjected to their questions. I HAD to leave! I couldn't stay in a house where so many bad memories resided." Her shoulders slumped in defeat. "I couldn't go to foster care where strangers would look at me with pity. I did what I did to survive. You HAVE to understand that!" Her brow furrowed sadly, her head bowing in resignation. "I can't say I want all the memories I have, but I wish for some to disappear."

He snapped to attention in a rush. So many things he wanted to say were shoved aside. He knew words wouldn't show her he understood. Slowly, both arms unwound themselves from his knees. One wrapped around her back, making sure to pull away if need be. She looked up at him with beseeching eyes, looking like a lost child. He couldn't stand that look on her. She was always so strong, it broke his heart to see her so helpless.

She acted without thinking, having done too much already. She  let go of her legs and quickly wrapped both arms around his waist in a tight hug. His other arm wrapped around her back after he regained his senses. He hadn't expected such an action from her, but the poor girl was so hungry for acceptance. 'She must just be glad to have SOMEONE that understands and cares back.' He thought. Tears ran from her eyes harder than before, soaking his shirt. Neither cared. Trowa felt utter content to just hold her and comfort her. To shield her from all the pain, to take it on so she wouldn't have to was all he wanted to do right now. He couldn't ask for anything less than this moment. His dream was right, he DID love her. But one thing was different, NOW he KNEW her. He knew the actions that led her away from the home she once cherished so much. He knew her emotions from the whole ordeal and why she acted since they met so long ago. It all made sense.

His chin rested on the top of her head, one hand slowly rubbing the small of her back to comfort her. But she didn't need anything more than to be held. It was a luxury she hadn't had since before it was safe at home. And nothing had been safe for YEARS. "I understand now." He whispered. She kept silent, her part done. She had nothing more to say now, everything was laid out in the open. "I understand why you acted like you have, every word you said. I know why you ran away and why you feel the way you do." He exhaled a soft breath. "Thank you for opening up to me." Slowly, she moved away to stare at him confused. Her mouth slightly open, tear tracks down her cheeks, eyes wide and confused; he took it all in. Both hands moved from her back to cradle her face. His thumbs softly touched her delicate skin, wiping away the tears of pain. "I understand you now." He whispered, looking into her eyes.

She stared into those loving green eyes and took note of the emotion. She had never expected it directed at her. She always wondered if it was possible that he ever feel anything for her and now she didn't have to ask. She could see it plainly written on his face. The pads of his thumbs hypnotically and absentmindedly rubbed across her face. They gazed into each other's eyes silently, flooded with the emotions they argued about showing to the other. It wasn't even an issue anymore, everything was shown through their eyes, seen plain as day.

He didn't even know what he was doing, but he knew he could spend the rest of his life in the position he was in. If only he could feel these emotions for all time. "You don't need to fear when I'm around Washu. I vow to always protect you." He whispered. Her eyes watered from such a selfless act and more spilled from the edges of her raised face.

"I never fear when I'm with you." Her heart spoke. She didn't feel embarrassed that she spoke from her heart, he was doing so already. She felt it only right to join him. "I only feel comfort when you're around." She whispered. The warmth from his fingers spread through her face. The soft touch cradling her face felt right. Her head tilted a degree to his hand. Her eyes closed instinctively, even though her mind couldn't process what was going on. It had shut down entirely, every action being so foreign to her.

Trowa watched her long lashes flutter close and his eyes gravitated to her lips. They still gaped open slightly, almost inviting him to touch them with his own. He had long ago conjured images and feelings of her lips, trying to configure the texture she possessed. None came to him and he was always left wondering. Now he didn't have to.

His face slowly tilted downward. Both eyes fluttered shut a second before their lips touched. The contact was barely noticeable by either party. Washu felt giddiness and adrenaline through her veins when she felt his mouth connect with hers. Her lips trembled along with his from uncertainty and inexperience as they locked. Part of her was hungry for more and she lifted her chin to add a small amount of pressure.

Trowa was more than pleased when she responded back to him. He feared for a second that he'd overstepped his boundaries and pushed her away, but she apparently wanted it as much as he did. The feel of her mouth was more than what he thought it was. Her lips were silk under his own. They trembled, matching his own unsure action. He had never kissed anyone before and he was betting she hadn't either. They were each other's first kiss. It was a joyous thought.