A/N: Sorry about the lack of development on the character of Emma on these coming chapters. She's developed in other little fics I have scattered about, but I neglected to do it here. All you need to know is that she's an emotional basket case. The kind of girl that cries at Hallmark commercials. Sort of motherly too...yeah, continue on.
Session Five
I arrive on time, opening the door to her office slowly, noticing that it feels heavier. More ominous. Something lingers in this office. The remnants of what I've said, maybe? The unavoidable fact that we're going to talk about it today? I'm not sure. It's something there and it's something that I've never dealt with before. But it's here now and there's nothing I can do to avoid dealing.
"You're early..." Dr. Lopez remarks, eyes looking up from the paperwork she's going through. Stuff that I hope doesn't pertain to me right now.
"I know...Emma dropped me off on her way to work." I sit myself in the chair as usual, tossing my bag beside it and curling my legs up so I'm sitting Indian style. I look down at my sandals, my jeans falling over them in a listless rest. I tip my head and look up to her as she begins to speak.
"Who's Emma?" A small smile escapes her and I feel myself flushing red.
"A friend." I insist, pointedly. Lightheartedly.
"What kind of friend?" She sounds like a teenage girl getting gossip, and for some reason this is comforting to me.
"A friend!" I insist, annoyed.
"Tell me about her."
"Why?"
"Because you're red." Her saying this only makes me blush harder. I watch as she leans forward, smile sliding across her face.
"Emma's...Emma. She lives in my building. We hang out sometimes...she's just...an escape in a way..." Dr. Lopez leans back and takes out her notebook. I knew this human conversation was going to end sooner or later.
"How is she an escape? An escape from what?" Her pen slides over the yellow paper and I inhale.
"Whenever Roger and I argue, or...just...when I can't think, she always manages to knock, or come visit, or ask me to come to dinner with her or something, and I end up forgetting. I end up laughing my ass off, or getting into a debate about good movies or music and not worrying about Roger being an asshole, or Collins being sick. She's just...an easy escape for me." I inform. Dr. Lopez nods and I smile at her.
"Is that what you use her for, Mark? An escape?" She folds her hands again and I pause. I had never thought about that before, the fact that maybe I don't genuinely like Emma like I had thought. Was I just using her as an escape from the norm? Did I like being with her only because she was different? Did I like her because she didn't shove her problems on me? What if one day there was something she wanted to talk about, would I have been able to listen?
"Mark?"
"Huh?" I snap out of my daze and look back up at her. She adjusts her glass.
"What else do you like about this person other than the fact that she's someone to vent to. Because if that's all she is, you should just pay her and get rid of me..."
I look up at her. "No...no, that's not all."
"Then what else?"
"She makes me laugh. I mean, she has the dumbest jokes. And she has a great laugh too...she snorts. Most people would find that so unattractive, but...it's so endearing."
"So she's someone to make you forget about your problems?"
"No. She's a friend. Not a defense mechanism." I reply in offense.
"Is she just a friend?" Dr. Lopez asks me with a lilt.
"What kind of question is that?"
"Are you with her? Dating?"
"How is that your business?" I spit. Anger again.
"Well, I think that all aspects of your social life are my business if you expect me to help you here, Mark. I just want to know if you're seeing anyone, specifically..." She looks down at her paper. "Emma."
"No. We're not dating."
"Are you dating someone?"
"No." I answer sharply.
"Any reason?" Dr. Lopez asks. I look up at her and try to stop myself from laughing.
"Well." I begin. "Women and I don't exactly coexist peacefully."
"You fight? Don't get along?" She continues.
"No. No, I mean...we get along fine. Women just get bored with me and decide that it's easier to sleep with 40 other people than just leave me." I shake my head and Dr. Lopez nods at me.
"What are your views on relationships, Mark?" She asks me quietly.
"What do you mean?" I want to be difficult. I don't like questions about love.
"I mean, what do you think about relationships?"
I hate them. "I think they're...a waste of time..."
"Why?"
"Because...they never lead to anything substantial and I always end up miserable in the end." I answer, sounding like an angst-filled teen rather than a 26 year old guy with veritable problems.
"What's happened to make you think that?"
"My ex-girlfriend that's a lesbian, or the one that dumped me on valentines day? Or the one that told me that I made her too miserable to continue dating..."
"I see..." She nodded and cut me off. I think she was afraid of where I'd head next.
"So I tend to stray from any sort of ties to girls. They all waste my time."
"Even Emma?" The words hit me at full force and I can feel my brain struggling to think of a witty retort.
"I'm not looking for something like that with Emma. I mean...she's a friend. A nice girl, but...we wouldn't work."
"So you've thought about something like that with her?" She leans forward and looks at me.
"How do you infer that? I just said it wouldn't---"
"You saying that it wouldn't work tells me that you've considered whether or not it would work, Mark. Make sense?"
I mutter a few incoherent things and nod at her.
"So why don't you tell me what your real feelings towards Emma are?"
I stare at her in contemplation.
"Well?"
"Okay!" I stutter, not wanting to hear her ask me again. "Okay, so I like her, so we've done a little more than friends do, but that doesn't mean I want her to be my girlfriend." I shudder at the fact that I sound like I'm sixteen again.
"What does it mean?"
I let out a long sigh and lean back. "Why must everything mean something to you?"
"Does it mean something to you, Mark? That's all I want to know. Because if it means something to her, and not to you...and you don't tell her, you're going to get burned again."
Hm. Fair enough.
"Well...I mean...it's not like it means...well...it's not nothing...I mean...it's...something...I guess...things are...not just...it's like..."
"Slow down..." Dr. Lopez orders. I comply. "What would you do if Emma approached you with the idea of...a relationship sort of thing?"
"I--I don't know. Roger says she's something I need. Roger really gets along with her despite what he may act like. And I guess he's right. She's good for me because she...doesn't pity me. She lets me know when I'm acting like a moron. She tells me to snap out of it when I'm being a brat...but she listens to me when I really need to be listened to..."
"What kind of qualities do you look for in someone?" Dr. Lopez interrupts my tirade.
"What, in a girl?"
"I suppose..."
I shrug and lean back in my seat. "I don't know. Someone...who knows how to...just...listen. And not tell me how I should fix myself or...whatever. Someone who can just let me rant and rave all I want and calm me down when I'm done." I dangle my legs over the edge of the chair and she looks up at the clock.
"Time's up." What a cliched line.
