You wanted more, so here's more!

SCENE TWO. (I apologize for my insanity. Then again, I never did claim I was sane, now did I?)



DIRECTOR: Alright Scott, are you clear on what you're supposed to do?

CYCLOPS: Yes. I'm supposed to get the notebook from Side Table Drawer.

DIRECTOR: Hallelujah! Alright, let's get this scene over with. Lights, camera, action!!!

CYCLOPS: Okay kids, you know what we need to play Blue's Clues with, don't you?

KIDS: Your notebook!

CYCLOPS: Right, my notebook. Let's just go over to Side Table Drawer and get our....

pause. pause. pause.

DIRECTOR: Yes, go on.

CYCLOPS: Do I HAVE to say 'handy dandy'? It's just so lame!

BEAST (under his breath): Just like you?

DIRECTOR (slumping in his chair): Yes Scott, you HAVE to say handy dandy. It's in the script.

CYCLOPS: But how about, 'extremely useful', or 'nicely bound', or...

JEAN: SCOTT!!!

CYCLOPS: Alright, alright! Okay kids, let's go get our 'handy dandy' notebook.

Scott jogs up to Professor X who is sitting by the thinking chair.

CYCLOPS: Side Table Drawer, can we have our notebook please?

PROFESSOR (with huge fake smile plastered on his face): Sure Steve! I just LOVE Blue's Clues!

The professor whips out the notebook and hands it to Scott.

CYCLOPS: Gee thanks Side Ta...er...where were you hiding that notebook, Professor? You don't have a drawer.

PROFESSOR (still with fake smile): You don't wanna know.

DIRECTOR: CUT!!! For the last time, STICK WITH THE SCRIPT, PEOPLE!!!

CYCLOPS: Oh, sorry. Anyway, now we have our 'handy dandy' notebook to play Blue's Clues with!

PROFESSOR: Did I mention just how much I LOVE Blue's Clues?

DIRECTOR: CUT!!! You said that already!

PROFESSOR: But it's the only line I've got! Can't you give me just a few more lines?

BEAST (grumbling): At least you CAN talk.

DIRECTOR: Just sit there like a good little piece of furniture and don't say a thing, ALRIGHT?!

PROFESSOR (sulkily): Fine.

DIRECTOR: Can we PLEASE continue without any more unnecessary improvisations?

A chorus of mumbling compliances fills the stage.

DIRECTOR: GOOD! Now on to the next scene!

Scott and Hank are now in the kitchen.

CYCLOPS: Hi Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper! How are you today?

We see Bobby crouched behind the table, a sock puppet on each hand. He's making the puppets talk with a very crappy french accent in high-pitched squeaky voices, and is also having one hell of time trying not to laugh.

ICEMAN (Mr. Salt): Allo...mmph...Steve and Blue!
(Mrs. Pepper): Bonjour, Steve...mmph...and Blue!

BEAST (whispering): One more smirk and you will sorely regret it, Robert!

ICEMAN (whispering): But I'm 'smirking' at Scott!

BEAST (still whispering): Oh! Then by all means, smirk away!

CYCLOPS: I heard that!

DIRECTOR: Shut-up, Scott! I TOLD you to stick with the script!!!

CYCLOPS: But...but...it wasn't my fault...!

JEAN: SCOTT!!

DIRECTOR: Just get on with it! (looks around) Now where's Paprika?

Behind the stage, we see Rogue wearing a bonnet and sporting an oversized baby bottle.

ROGUE: Why do ah have ta play the l'il brat?

GAMBIT (trying to coax her): But chere, you perfect for de part!

Rogue glares dangerously at him.

GAMBIT (adding hastily): 'Cause you so cute an' pretty, an' dem big, green eyes would melt anyone's heart, chere!

ROGUE: Ah sugah, that was sweet o' ya ta say! Alright, ah'll do it!

GAMBIT (breathing a sigh of relief and muttering under his breath): An' you play de brat 'cause no one dare laugh at YOU, chere.

Rogue flies onto the stage.

DIRECTOR (holding a REALLY BIG cup of extra-strong coffee): There you are! Finally! Now let's get this show on the...

PROFESSOR (from off-camera): Did I mention just HOW MUCH I LOVE....

DIRECTOR: JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Everyone votes to take a ten minute break to give a chance for the director to calm down (and for me to think about what happens next).

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