Hi! I'm baaaa-aaaack! I know I know. It's about time, you say. Sorry for the huge delay, but I'm kinda waaaaaaay behind in my studies and there's this nasty little thing called an exam sneaking up just around the corner. Sigh. Why can't professors understand that fanfic is waaaaaay more interesting than frog guts? Huh, what do you want? (I turn to my muse.) Oh. He wants to thank Selenity Longsword for the triple chocolate brownies. He says they were really good. Anyways, on with the insanity!


CHAPTER 7: The End (er...not quite...PLEASE don't flame me!)


ICEMAN: Alright, everybody! Quiet on the set! We've got a show to film, here! Stick to the script! Shut the fu...

BEAST: What are you doing, Robert?

ICEMAN: Well, since the director's dead, somebody has to replace him!

BEAST: I take it you're volunteering for the job?

ICEMAN: Heck yes!!!

BEAST: Far be it for me to complain, but I do find it rather disturbing that you stripped the poor man's corpse of his director's hat and donned your own head with it.

ICEMAN: But I gotta look the part! Besides, it's not like he's going to be using it anymore...

JUBILEE: Why can't I be the director?

ICEMAN: 'Cause your legs are still frozen and you won't finish thawing out until it's all over!

JEAN: Neither of you is going to be the director!

ICEMAN and JUBILEE: Aaaaawwwww.....

BEAST: And just who do you have in mind, Jean? Assuming that you wish to continue this insane endeavour, of course.

Scott walks up, chest puffed out and strutting like a peacock.

JEAN: No, it's not you, Scott.

Scott visibly deflates like a balloon.

CYCLOPS (whining): But...but Jeannie! I'M the leader...!

JEAN: Yes, but you're also Steve. You can't be both Steve and the director at the same time. That would be far too much for your little mind to handle and your brain would short-circuit, isn't that right?

CYCLOPS (pouting): I guess so.

JEAN: That's a good boy.

The professor approaches in his hoverchair.

PROFESSOR: I'm available to stand in for...

BEAST: Then who IS going to be the new director?

PROFESSOR: I'm sure I have all the qualifications to...

JEAN: We need someone who just will not put up with all this crap.

PROFESSOR: Did I mention just how well I work under pressure....

BEAST: Then I would like to nominate Storm.

PROFESSOR: WILL YOU TWO PAY ATTENTION TO ME?!! I AM NOT A PIECE OF FURNITURE!!! I...

ICEMAN: Where IS Storm, anyways? I haven't seen her at all yet.

JEAN: Just give me a second.

Jean mentally searches for Storm while the professor continues to rant and rave without a single person noticing.

JEAN: She's meditating on the roof. I'll tell her to come inside.

Storm enters, glances at the professor who is now turning a dark shade of purple, shrugs her shoulders and goes up to Jean.

STORM: Yes, Jean. Is it time for me to play the part of Pail?

JEAN: Not exactly. You see, the director died...

STORM: What?

JEAN: And we've nominated you to be the new director.

STORM: Please tell me you're kidding.

JEAN: Sorry.

STORM: Robert?

ICEMAN: Nope.

STORM: Henry?

BEAST: Sorry, Ororo. I declared the man dead not ten minutes ago.

Storm once again looks to Jean, then Bobby, then Beast, then makes a break for it.

ROGUE: I got ya!

STORM (struggling savagely): I absolutely refuse to play any such part in this insanity!!

KIDS (pitiful whiny voices): Awww! But you gotta do it! Us'n a lotta other kids will be sooooo heartbroken if you guys don't finish the last episode!

STORM (pausing): Do you truly mean that?

KIDS (snivelling): Y..y..yes! Waaaaaaaaahhh!!!

STORM (alarmed): Hush, children! Don't cry! I'll make sure that this episode is finished for you, alright?

KIDS: Gosh, thanks lady! You're the best!

STORM (beaming): Think nothing of it, children.

Storm goes off to talk to Jean.

KIDS (whispering amongst themselves): Ha ha! Sucker! Now for sure we'll get our paycheques for this episode! Yay!

(Yeah, I know they're rotten little kids, but hey, everybody's gotta make a living.)

* * *

STORM: Alright everyone, quiet down.

The noise continues. Deafening thunder booms above the building. Quiet ensues.

STORM: That is better. Now, everyone take your places.

ICEMAN: Hey, Storm! Since I can't be the director, can I be your assistant? I can get you coffee and danishes and stuff an' help keep the others in line for you!

WOLVERINE: Watch what yer saying, Icepop! There's no way a little runt like you is gonna be keeping ME in line.

STORM: Logan, please! I guess you can be my assistant, Robert. But please try and keep quiet, alright?

ICEMAN: Alright!!

STORM: Since I am now the director...

Storm gives Hank and Jean dirty looks. Jean puts on an innocent expression and Hank begins to whistle softly.

STORM: ...someone else will have to play the part of Pail.

There is much nervous shuffling among the X-Men. Rogue and Remy start inching toward the door.

STORM: I was going to choose the Professor, but he is unable to play the part since he passed out from all his ranting and raving.

JUBILEE: Oh! Oh! Can I be Pail?

The rest of the X-Men look relieved.

STORM (astonished): YOU are actually volunteering?

JUBILEE (pouting): Well, everyone else gets to be in it. Why can't I?

(Note: It was unanimously voted that the Perriwinkle footage be dumped.)

STORM: But how are you supposed to act with your legs still frozen?

JEAN: I can move her telekinetically around the stage!

STORM: Alright, then. Jubilee, you are now Pail. Logan, we need Shovel on the stage now, please.

WOLVERINE: I ain't doin' it.

JEAN: But Logan! We all agreed to it at the very beginning!

WOLVERINE: Sorry, darlin'. Ain't nothin' personal, but I just ain't doin' it.

STORM: Is that your final decision, Logan?

WOLVERINE: Sure is, darlin'.

STORM (eyes narrowing): Then I will be forced to make you do it.

WOLVERINE (returning her stare): Give it yer best shot.

Everyone backs away and ducks for cover as Storm's eyes turn white and she looks heavenward.

A megahuge bolt of lightning blasts through the roof and hits Logan. The explosion is deafening, and when it's over, we see Logan standing in the middle of huge black circle of burnt floor. His hair is standing on end, his clothes are smouldering, and his cigar has disintigrated to ashes.

WOLVERINE (spitting out cinders): Nice shot, darlin'. Still ain't doin' it, though.

JEAN (telepathically): I've got an idea, Ororo. Tell Scott to dance.

STORM (thinking): What? How is that going to persuade Logan?

JEAN (telepathically): Just do it. And tell him not to stop until you tell him to.

STORM: Fine. Scott, please dance for us.

CYCLOPS: Huh?

JEAN: You know, dear. Like you had to at the beginning of the shoot.

CYCLOPS: But the script doesn't call for it now...

STORM: Just do it, Scott! And don't stop until I tell you to!

Scott starts shimmying. Logan starts to snicker. Scott shimmies some more. Logan starts to laugh. Scott starts singing the stupid little song. Logan collapses, gasping for air.

WOLVERINE: HAHAHAHAHAHA...gasp....Hahahaha...okay...okay Ro....hahahahahah....gasp....you win....gaaasssp...hahahaha...just make him stop....bwahahahahahah!!!!

OTHER X-MEN (looking rather sick): Oh God, Ororo! PLEASE make him stop!!!

STORM: That's enough, Scott.

Scott stops. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

WOLVERINE: I guess I'm playin' shovel, then.

* * *

I'm sorry the story's not finished. It's taking longer than I thought it would. Sigh. My poor muse is going to have to be caged up just a little longer. (even more grumbling is heard from the corner). I know, I know. I'll get you some more Twinkies later, 'kay? (He stops grumbling, but still looks sullen.) Sigh. There's just no pleasing some people...


Acknowledgement goes to Stormfreak for suggesting that Storm be the new director. I know you were just joking, but it was a good idea nonetheless! Thanks!

I swear the next chapter will be the last one, okay!