I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does, I do however own Chris Thompson , Adam Richford, Peter Dalmaris, Marry Cataldo and Tom Burton. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my first fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.

There might be a few spelling and grammar errors cause i don't have a spellchecker at the moment.

This is my first attempt at comedy so please be gentle:)


Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure


By S.T.A.R.S

Chapter 1

"FFFFFFFFuck", screamed Jill as she was thrown through the air by a nearby explosion. Jill hit the ground with a thud. She immediately got up on her feet and dusted herself off. Her ears still rang from the explosion, she shook her head to try to stop the ringing. However hard she shook it, the ringing wouldn't stop.

She looked around her she was in an alleyway, the direction she had just been thrown from was blocked by an intense fir created by the explosion. She noticed that there were several zombies closing in on her fast. They would corner her if she didn't do something fast. If only she had bought her handgun thought Jill. Jill could feel something heavy in her right hand.
She looked down at her right hand and saw a machine gun. What the fuck thought Jill. How the hell did that get there?

The zombies were now only metres from her, and were closing in fast from each direction around her.

Jill shrugged her shoulders and flashed a wicked smile. Who cares thought Jill? this sick puupy will do nicely. Jill was about to open fire when she relised that here ears were still ringing. She relised the ringing wasn't coming from her ears but from a mobile phone in one of her pockets.

She pulled out phone and demanded, "Hello, whos there?"

"Eh this is the director of RE3"

The zombies were still closing in.

What the hell did the director of RE3 want? She glared at the closet zombie and shouted, "Just wait one second before you savage me, i have a phone call i have to answer."

The zombie stopped dead in its tracks and said,"Oops sorry."

The rest of the zombies stopped and milled around mindlessly.

Jill put the phone back to her ear and blasted, "What the hell do you want? can't you see i'm a bit busy at the moment?"

There was a long pause, then a sincere voice on the other end of the line said, "I'm just calling to say sorry for the explosion intro. We were going to make it better but decided hey this game is only to try and squueze as much money out of RE2's success until RE Code Vernica comes out."

There was a brief chuckle on the other end of the phone.

One of the zombies heard what the director said and let out a out a little giggle.

Jill glared at the zombie and shouted, "Hey don't make me come over there."

The zombie ceased giggling immediately.

Jill had lost her train of thought by the giggling zombie. What the hell was she thinking about? Oh yeah she was about to talk about the shit intro to RE3.

Jill blasted back with,"For fucks sake, the intro was so sick until until you had to have me start off with this gay explosion. The reason for the explosion wasn't even shown. At least with RE2 you had a zombie trucker try to run down Claire and Leon. Doesn't Capcom pay you guys to be a bit more creative? Didn't you ever think of doing something original like perhap the intro involving me at the police station when it was attacked? Or maybe an intro with me capping some zombie arses? C'mon if a big girl like Leon can do why can't I?"

One of the nearby zombies heard the last comment and couldn't help himself and laughed.

Jill trained her machine gun on the zombie and gave it a quick burst. The bullets tore through the zombie. The zombie ceased giggling and fell dead in a pool of its blood. All the nearby zombies piled on top of their now dead undead comrade and proceeded to feast upon him.

Jill put the phone back to her ear and shouted, "Can you at least tell me what caused this explosion?"

The director chuckled and said, "Thats easy to explain, it all happened when..... ummmm."

There was a briefpause.

A very embarassed director said,"Ummmmm i'll have to get back to you on that, i'm not quite sure why it happened, i'll get back to you on that."

Jill let out a frustrated sigh and hung up on the director. She then shoved the phone in one of her pockets.

Jill ran by the zombies who were not aware that the phone conversation had ended. They were still too busy feasting on the fallen zombie. She ran to the end of the alleyway and found that there was a dumpster blocking the way. There was no choice but to climb it, she climbed it and looked back at the zombies.

The zombies had just caught on that the phone conversation had ended.

One of the zombies could be heard saying, "Hey that was not fair."

Jill stood their on top of the dumpster with her hands on her hips and triumphantly shouted, "Hey losers, you should be embarassed to call yourselves bilogical weapons."

The zombies ignored hee and shuffled back to where they came from. Jill was unhappy, what a bunch of rude fucks they were, they didn't even hang around to hear her insults.

Jill turned arounf and jumped of the dumpster. There was a door in front of her that lead to another alleyway. She turned around to be greeted by the same group of zombies she thought she had lost. They had taken a detour to get to her.

Jill cursed under her breath.

She noticed that the zombies were cornering her. She backed up against the door. Don't worry she told herself, someone will be here to save me any moment now. In RE1 thats what always happened when i got into serious shit. Chris or Barry will be here soon to save me. She began to relax and decided she'd pick on the zombies a bit more.

She looked at the surrounding group and encouraged them to get her. Thats right come closer then Barry with his big old magnum will blow all your heads off.

As they closed in she suddenly remembered that Chris had skipped town and Barry had taken his family somewhere safe out of Raccoon City.

She was now beginning to panic. She should off bolted while she had the chance.

Jill nervously said, "C..C..C'mon on fellas i didn't mean what i said back there, i was only joking, can't you take a joke?"

All the zombies shook there heads and continued to close in on her.

Jill realised that there was no way out of the situation and decided to try and break the door down behind her. of course she knew she could open it easilt but for some reason she felt compelled to add a bit more drama to the scene. She barged against the door a few times until it opened. Just as she threw herself through, one of the zombies lunged at her. She closed the door just in time.

A zombie on the other side of the door could be heard saying, "Hey that was not fair."

She looked back at the door and laughed she had won against them again. She then said, "Hahahah two times in a row, why don't you dumb fucks give up?"

The zombies could be heard on the other side of the door desperately clawing at the door to get to Jill.

Jill did a little victory dance and shook her butt. She thought to herself that maybe she should try to runaway from them while she could. She immediately pushed that thought out of her mind and decided to gloat afor a bit.

Jill was suddenly broken from her victory dance when she heard a creak.

Jill looked back at the door she had just come through.

"Hey its unlocked," said one of the zombies.

Jill froze and whispered, "Oh crap."

The zombies piled through the door, eager to get their hands on the smart arse women who keeps tricking them.

Jill turned around and ran down the alleyway. She found a door to a building nearby and decided that she could hide in their. She opened the door and through herself in.


OK i know that was fairly crap, i'll put a few more chapters up if anyone liked it. I'm aware that zombies don't talk but its meant to be humorous so just accept it.