I do not own the rights to Resident Evil or any of its characters, Capcom does. I also do not make any money by writing this story. This is my second fan fic, I have only played the games RE, RE2 and RE3. So I may get the plot wrong compared to the resident Evil novels.
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.
This is my first attempt at comedy so please be gentle:)
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure
By S.T.A.R.S
Chapter 8
The Nemesis strode towards the tram terminal where he just saw the young lady enter. The Nemesis looked down at a big gashing wound, which the young lady had just dished out. He was mentally kicking himself for roaring, throwing his arms about and generally showing off every time he came in earshot of the young lady. If only he just sneaked up on her and then kill her, instead of show off and give the bitch time to load up her rocket launcher and fire it up his arse. Next time he was not going to show off, he was just going to march up to her and kill her.
The Nemesis pushed the thoughts aside and increased his pace, he was only 100 metres away from the tram terminal entrance that the young lady had just entered.
Jill opened up the door to the tram. She had just barely managed to kill a giant worm of some sort.
Jill swung open the door to the tram. To her unpleasant surprise Carlos greeted her with his cheesy grin.
Jill stepped into the train and slammed the door shut. She was not pleased that Carlos was still alive.
Carlos said, "Where's Nicholas?"
Jill sighed and said, "Oh you know he sounded like he was killed by zombies but his body was not there when I went to investigate. As usual he is probably alive in some miraculous way as he is the bad guy."
Carlo looked blankly at Jill. His face screwed up as the tiny gears in his peanut size brain began to work overtime.
After what seemed like an eternity Carlos replied with, "Sooooo, you telling me that he'll be held up and we'll have to wait for him.'
Jill lost it, how could this guy make it into Umbrella. She stormed over and pull out some rope from her backpack and began to tie him up.
As Carlos was being tied up he excitedly said, "Oh my, are we starting already."
Jill pulled a gag from her backpack and gagged him. This however did not stop Carlos from talking. He continued on muffling through the gag.
Once Jill finished tying up Carlos she threw is arse into the front carriage. Once this was done she went back and fixed up the carriage. After a few minutes of doing this, the tram was functioning and ready to go.
Jill ran up to the front carriage and started the tram. The tram lurched with life and slowly began to build up momentum.
After a minute a two, the whole tram violently lurched as if something had hit.
What the fuck was that thought Jill.
She grabbed her gun and held it close to her. I have to go back to the other carriage and check out what the hell that was. She looked down at Carlos was still talking about something.
Jill walked up to the back of the carriage and opened up the door.
She looked down at the injured soldier, he had stopped ranting and was no sitting up. A look of fear was painted across his face.
She quickly glanced over to the rear corner of the carriage to see the Nemesis silently standing there looking at her.
She half heartily said, "Oh its you," and focused her attention on the injured soldier.
The Nemesis was not very impressed by this and put his hands on his hips. What the hell is wrong with this lady? She should be running in fear?
Jill put a hand on his shoulder and said, "There is nothing to fear about now, I have Carlos tied up in the front carriage."
The soldier wet his pants and ignored Jill.
Jill stepped back in disgust and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
The injured soldier nervously pointed over to the monster that was still standing still. However a look of anger began to creep across its ugly face.
Jill looked at the monster, this guy couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.
The Nemesis snapped when he heard this comment, let out a furious roar and threw his hands in the air. He couldn't stand it any longer, it was in his nature to show off and he wasn't going to let some little bitch get away with insulting him. He was an Umbrella bio-weapon and had a reputation to uphold.
Jill looked at the Nemesis and said, "Was that really necessary."
The Nemesis nodded his head slowly and grinned tightly through his stitched mouth.
Jill locked her gun and smiled.
She then shouted, "BRING IT ON BIG BOY!!!"
Just before she was about to run in screaming with guns a blazing, she heard the injured soldier shout, "STOP."
The Nemesis and Jill stopped dead in their tracks and looked dumbfounding at him.
The injured soldier was now standing with automatic riffle in hand.
He turned to Jill and ordered, "Get out of here, I'll take care of him."
He walked other to Jill and pushed her aside and shouted, "GO!!!!!"
"But I.."
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"OK, OK, OK, look who wants to play hero all of a suddenly" muttered Jill.
The door slammed shut behind Jill.
The Nemesis looked at the puny man before him and threw his head back and laughed. Does this man honestly think he has any chance against me, he is an extra for fucks sake.
The soldier slowly stumbled forward giving the Nemesis the death look.
The Nemesis walked over the man casually.
The soldier let the Nemesis have it with a barrage of the bullets.
The Nemesis continued to walk towards the man unaffected with a huge grin on his face.
Click click click.
The soldier was out of ammo and nervously looked around for an escape route.
Nemesis stood there in laughed. He decided that he would have some fun with this guy.
He ran up to the guy and clothes lined him.
BANG the soldier fell to the ground as the Nemesis ploughed his arm into the soldier's neck.
The soldier groggily stood up on his feet on to here a ungodly roar. He staggered around to see the Nemesis standing on one of the seats in the corner.
Nemesis stood there roared who is the greatest freak in the World and thought I am. As he did this he pointed to himself.
The Nemesis then jumped from the seat and slammed into the soldier.
DAMN that felt good thought the Nemesis.
He stood up and looked at the soldier. He body was twisted and broke. However he was still alive.
To add insult to injury the Nemesis gave the dying man an atomic wedgy.
The soldier winced in pain and with his last strength pulled a grenade from his belt. The Nemesis crouched down beside him to do a full nelson on him.
The soldier pulled the pin on the grenade and shoved it up the Nemesis's arse.
OHHHHHH the Nemesis stood still and to attention. That bought back vivid memories of his love life when he was human.
The soldier smiled and passed out.
The Nemesis looked around nervously and screamed like a little girl.
GOD DAMMIT thought the Nemesis. What do I do now? There is only thing I can do. I'm going to have to fart this thing out.
The Nemesis held onto a nearby seat and prepared for take off.
The Nemesis winced and let off a motherload of gas which had been building inside him.
The intial fart blew out the grenade and the rear half the carriage away.
A second or two later who felt and heard the denotation of the grenade. the heat was so great that he threw himself from what was left of the carriage. The Nemesis hit the ground hard and roles several times. He grunted and looked back at the tram that was riding off into the night.
His eyes widened with fear as he say a trial of flame head his way. The flame from the explosion was following his fart trail. He closed his eyes and grimmaced. this was going to hurt alot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few seconds later there was a blast that shook the front carriage so violently that it nearly through the train off the tracks.
Jill looked back at where the old carriage was and thought serves you right for wanting to play hero.
Jill felt a hand on her shoulder and spun around.
As she spun around Carlos greeted her.
"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT OF THE ROPES?" screamed Jill.
"What ropes?' said a puzzled Carlos.
Jill screamed with frustration, this guy was relentless, was there anything she could do.
She was about to shoot his lily arse when she felt the train lurch forward at greater speed. If they kept going this fast they were going to derail. They had to do something about it.
Jill turned to Carlos and ordered, "We need to stop this tram or we're going to be killed. Help me find a way to stop this thing?"
Carlos put his hands on hips and said, "Uh huh, you have to say please."
Is this guy serious? thought Jill. They were in a life or death situation of this joker wants to hear please.
"C'mon stop playing games I needs your help."
"Nup, not until you say please," said a child like Carlos.
Jill could feel the anger coursing through her veins.
She shouted, "THATS IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE."
She stormed up to Carlos and grabbed him by the head and dragged him over to the nearest panel. She then proceeded to pummel his head into the panel. She looked down in fear, there was no blood or signs of being hurt.
As Jill continued to pummel Carlos head into the panel he starting to think that Jill doesn't like him too much.
Jill collapsed, she had exhausted herself from trying to hurt Carlos. However the guy was not hurt, he was still grinning stupidly back at her.
Jill suddenly realised that the train was going to stop she looked at the window and ran for it. She knew it was a foolish attempt at escape but she'd rather these odds than be stuck with Carlos.
She felt a searing pain as she broke through the window.
Then blackness.
OK I know I haven't written in a while but I have university. This might be a bit crap but I hope it feels the void until I have the time to write better.
Please read and review, some of the reviews I receive are a big inspiration.
I do like RE3 but its just so fun taking the piss out of it.
This is my first attempt at comedy so please be gentle:)
Jill and Nemesis's excellent adventure
By S.T.A.R.S
Chapter 8
The Nemesis strode towards the tram terminal where he just saw the young lady enter. The Nemesis looked down at a big gashing wound, which the young lady had just dished out. He was mentally kicking himself for roaring, throwing his arms about and generally showing off every time he came in earshot of the young lady. If only he just sneaked up on her and then kill her, instead of show off and give the bitch time to load up her rocket launcher and fire it up his arse. Next time he was not going to show off, he was just going to march up to her and kill her.
The Nemesis pushed the thoughts aside and increased his pace, he was only 100 metres away from the tram terminal entrance that the young lady had just entered.
Jill opened up the door to the tram. She had just barely managed to kill a giant worm of some sort.
Jill swung open the door to the tram. To her unpleasant surprise Carlos greeted her with his cheesy grin.
Jill stepped into the train and slammed the door shut. She was not pleased that Carlos was still alive.
Carlos said, "Where's Nicholas?"
Jill sighed and said, "Oh you know he sounded like he was killed by zombies but his body was not there when I went to investigate. As usual he is probably alive in some miraculous way as he is the bad guy."
Carlo looked blankly at Jill. His face screwed up as the tiny gears in his peanut size brain began to work overtime.
After what seemed like an eternity Carlos replied with, "Sooooo, you telling me that he'll be held up and we'll have to wait for him.'
Jill lost it, how could this guy make it into Umbrella. She stormed over and pull out some rope from her backpack and began to tie him up.
As Carlos was being tied up he excitedly said, "Oh my, are we starting already."
Jill pulled a gag from her backpack and gagged him. This however did not stop Carlos from talking. He continued on muffling through the gag.
Once Jill finished tying up Carlos she threw is arse into the front carriage. Once this was done she went back and fixed up the carriage. After a few minutes of doing this, the tram was functioning and ready to go.
Jill ran up to the front carriage and started the tram. The tram lurched with life and slowly began to build up momentum.
After a minute a two, the whole tram violently lurched as if something had hit.
What the fuck was that thought Jill.
She grabbed her gun and held it close to her. I have to go back to the other carriage and check out what the hell that was. She looked down at Carlos was still talking about something.
Jill walked up to the back of the carriage and opened up the door.
She looked down at the injured soldier, he had stopped ranting and was no sitting up. A look of fear was painted across his face.
She quickly glanced over to the rear corner of the carriage to see the Nemesis silently standing there looking at her.
She half heartily said, "Oh its you," and focused her attention on the injured soldier.
The Nemesis was not very impressed by this and put his hands on his hips. What the hell is wrong with this lady? She should be running in fear?
Jill put a hand on his shoulder and said, "There is nothing to fear about now, I have Carlos tied up in the front carriage."
The soldier wet his pants and ignored Jill.
Jill stepped back in disgust and screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
The injured soldier nervously pointed over to the monster that was still standing still. However a look of anger began to creep across its ugly face.
Jill looked at the monster, this guy couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.
The Nemesis snapped when he heard this comment, let out a furious roar and threw his hands in the air. He couldn't stand it any longer, it was in his nature to show off and he wasn't going to let some little bitch get away with insulting him. He was an Umbrella bio-weapon and had a reputation to uphold.
Jill looked at the Nemesis and said, "Was that really necessary."
The Nemesis nodded his head slowly and grinned tightly through his stitched mouth.
Jill locked her gun and smiled.
She then shouted, "BRING IT ON BIG BOY!!!"
Just before she was about to run in screaming with guns a blazing, she heard the injured soldier shout, "STOP."
The Nemesis and Jill stopped dead in their tracks and looked dumbfounding at him.
The injured soldier was now standing with automatic riffle in hand.
He turned to Jill and ordered, "Get out of here, I'll take care of him."
He walked other to Jill and pushed her aside and shouted, "GO!!!!!"
"But I.."
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"OK, OK, OK, look who wants to play hero all of a suddenly" muttered Jill.
The door slammed shut behind Jill.
The Nemesis looked at the puny man before him and threw his head back and laughed. Does this man honestly think he has any chance against me, he is an extra for fucks sake.
The soldier slowly stumbled forward giving the Nemesis the death look.
The Nemesis walked over the man casually.
The soldier let the Nemesis have it with a barrage of the bullets.
The Nemesis continued to walk towards the man unaffected with a huge grin on his face.
Click click click.
The soldier was out of ammo and nervously looked around for an escape route.
Nemesis stood there in laughed. He decided that he would have some fun with this guy.
He ran up to the guy and clothes lined him.
BANG the soldier fell to the ground as the Nemesis ploughed his arm into the soldier's neck.
The soldier groggily stood up on his feet on to here a ungodly roar. He staggered around to see the Nemesis standing on one of the seats in the corner.
Nemesis stood there roared who is the greatest freak in the World and thought I am. As he did this he pointed to himself.
The Nemesis then jumped from the seat and slammed into the soldier.
DAMN that felt good thought the Nemesis.
He stood up and looked at the soldier. He body was twisted and broke. However he was still alive.
To add insult to injury the Nemesis gave the dying man an atomic wedgy.
The soldier winced in pain and with his last strength pulled a grenade from his belt. The Nemesis crouched down beside him to do a full nelson on him.
The soldier pulled the pin on the grenade and shoved it up the Nemesis's arse.
OHHHHHH the Nemesis stood still and to attention. That bought back vivid memories of his love life when he was human.
The soldier smiled and passed out.
The Nemesis looked around nervously and screamed like a little girl.
GOD DAMMIT thought the Nemesis. What do I do now? There is only thing I can do. I'm going to have to fart this thing out.
The Nemesis held onto a nearby seat and prepared for take off.
The Nemesis winced and let off a motherload of gas which had been building inside him.
The intial fart blew out the grenade and the rear half the carriage away.
A second or two later who felt and heard the denotation of the grenade. the heat was so great that he threw himself from what was left of the carriage. The Nemesis hit the ground hard and roles several times. He grunted and looked back at the tram that was riding off into the night.
His eyes widened with fear as he say a trial of flame head his way. The flame from the explosion was following his fart trail. He closed his eyes and grimmaced. this was going to hurt alot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few seconds later there was a blast that shook the front carriage so violently that it nearly through the train off the tracks.
Jill looked back at where the old carriage was and thought serves you right for wanting to play hero.
Jill felt a hand on her shoulder and spun around.
As she spun around Carlos greeted her.
"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET OUT OF THE ROPES?" screamed Jill.
"What ropes?' said a puzzled Carlos.
Jill screamed with frustration, this guy was relentless, was there anything she could do.
She was about to shoot his lily arse when she felt the train lurch forward at greater speed. If they kept going this fast they were going to derail. They had to do something about it.
Jill turned to Carlos and ordered, "We need to stop this tram or we're going to be killed. Help me find a way to stop this thing?"
Carlos put his hands on hips and said, "Uh huh, you have to say please."
Is this guy serious? thought Jill. They were in a life or death situation of this joker wants to hear please.
"C'mon stop playing games I needs your help."
"Nup, not until you say please," said a child like Carlos.
Jill could feel the anger coursing through her veins.
She shouted, "THATS IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE."
She stormed up to Carlos and grabbed him by the head and dragged him over to the nearest panel. She then proceeded to pummel his head into the panel. She looked down in fear, there was no blood or signs of being hurt.
As Jill continued to pummel Carlos head into the panel he starting to think that Jill doesn't like him too much.
Jill collapsed, she had exhausted herself from trying to hurt Carlos. However the guy was not hurt, he was still grinning stupidly back at her.
Jill suddenly realised that the train was going to stop she looked at the window and ran for it. She knew it was a foolish attempt at escape but she'd rather these odds than be stuck with Carlos.
She felt a searing pain as she broke through the window.
Then blackness.
OK I know I haven't written in a while but I have university. This might be a bit crap but I hope it feels the void until I have the time to write better.
Please read and review, some of the reviews I receive are a big inspiration.
