Final Fantasy Jeopardy!
Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Jeopardy, Trebek, the NRA, or FF8. There, you happy now? Can't have a fic withoout a disclaimer, now can we? Nooo. God forbid we don't have a disclaimer! And even if I did own them, do you think I'd be writing fics? No, I'd be bathing in money.
And I like all these characters, so it's not I'm doing this because I hate them.
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Final Fantasy Jeopardy! I don't know I got here, but it's been an interesting first round. Laguna Loire, you are in second place with negative sixty-four thousand Gil.
Laguna Loire: Oh, well, the late bird gets the worm if he's lucky, you know!
Alex: Great. Anyway, Irvine Kinneas is in first place with negative eleven Gil. Don't know how that's possible, but hey, anything can happen on Final Fantasy Jeopardy.
Irvine Kinneas: Eleven is my lucky number, and Alex, this feels dang lucky!
Alex: Whatever.
Zell Dincht: Yo! Over here!
Alex: Yes, I'm getting to you. Zell Dincht is in last place with -720,345,100 gil. Incredible. We've only gone through one round, and you have more money on the board than a man can gamble away in his entire life. You amaze me, Zell; you must have a disability?
Zell: Yes. Thank you for the compliments!
Alex: I see. Laguna Loire, the charity you are playing for is the Children Who Eat Children Foundation. I am almost afraid to ask, but what is that?
Laguna: Well, we're just trying to make enough money so that we can buy them an island where they can live the way they want to, without society's outlook and rules and standards.
Alex: You're going to buy them an island so that they can eat each other?
Laguna: Well, when you say it like that it doesn't sound so good.
Alex: All I can say is I hope you don't do very well in this game. Now, Irvine Kinneas, you are playing for...the National Rifle Association?
Irvine: Sure, bud.
Alex: You are terrible. Zell Dincht, you are playing for the Laguna Loire for President Again Organization?
Zell: Yeah! Sweet, huh?
Laguna: Sweet!
Zell: Dude!
Laguna: Sweet!
Zell: Dude!
Alex: Shut up!! I must say, I hope you all are ashamed. Now, the categories are:
Famous Fishes, Time Compressors, Gardens That Got Hit By Missiles, Squall's Daddy-
Laguna: Hey, that's me!
Alex: Thank you Mr. Loire, now we have to get rid of that category. Anyway, the rest of the categories are:
Biggs and -----, Rinoa (The Blue Girl Who Hangs Out With Squall), Condiments on Your Hot Dog, and.... oh, Jesus, Big Boobies.
Irvine: Oh, thank you, Trebek! I can win all those ones!
Alex: I hate this show. Well, Mr. Kinneas, you're in the lead, so you get to pick.
Irvine: I'll take Big Boobies.
Alex: Fine... for 500 Gil, "Who has bigger breasts, Rinoa, Quistis, or Selphie?" I can't believe I just read that.
(Irvine rings in, of course)
Alex: Mr. Kinneas?
Irvine: Hmm... Quistis! Rinoa's are too small, and I think Selphie stuffs or something.
Alex: Wrong. Quistis stuffs, Selphie doesn't, and Rinoa's are too small. So Selphie's breasts are the largest.
Irvine: I've been trying to get a look at Quistis'! I should've been trying to get Selphie's!
Alex: Whatever. Since you are a loser pervert, I'll let President Loire pick.
Laguna: Who?
Alex: You, Mr. Loire.
Laguna: Look at the podium.
Alex: Mr. Loire's name has apparently changed to "Futt Bucker."
(Laguna and Irvine laugh uproariously)
Zell: I don't get it.
Alex: Then you really are stupid.
Irvine: Good one, pardner!
(Laguna and Irvine High 5 each other)
Alex: I hate you. Anyway, I think I'll let Mr. Dincht pick.
Zell: I'll take the condom mint hot dogs thing for, uh, a million Gil.
Alex: That's "Condiments on You Hot Dog", and there are no million Gil questions, you retard.
Zell: Well, I'll take Rhinoceros whatever for a thousand.
Alex: That's Rinoa, but I can understand what you're saying. The question is "Is Rinoa pretty?" Apparently, there really isn't a wrong answer. Keep that in mind when you answer.
(Irvine rings in)
Alex: ...Kinneas.
Irvine: Well, she doesn't have big boobies, though, do she?
Alex: So...
Irvine: I mean, hey, surgery would take care of that-
(Buzzer sounds)
Irvine: -and then we'll see, but now, who knows? I like 'em big.
Alex: You are out of time, Irvine Kinneas.
Irvine: What does that mean!?!?!? My time is up?!?!?!?!
Alex: It means that you got that question wrong.
Irvine: ... ... ... ... oh. I thought it meant you were going to kill me or something. That's a relief.
Alex: Moving on... Mr. Loire, why don't you go ahead and pick the next question?
Laguna: I'll take Gardens That Got Hit By Missiles for a thousand.
Alex: Okay, the question is-
Zell: I thought it was supposed to be answers on Jeopardy, not questions.
Alex: It's easier for you morons this way . Now then, the question is: "This Garden got hit by missiles."
(Laguna buzzes in)
Laguna: I know this one!!! That one... uuh, what is it?... the wonder thing?... it's on the Discovery Channel. It's one of those Wonders of the Ancient World. You know, they fall or something...
Alex: The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?
Laguna: Yeah!
Bzzzzzzzt!
Alex: No! That is wrong! Good God, the answer we were looking for is Trabia Garden. We would have even taken Balamb Garden, if you screwed up in the game! And how do you even know about... you know what? I don't care. I don't care, let's just move on to something else. Zell - pick.
Zell: Okay, I'll take "Biggs and dash dash dash dash dash" for six hundred.
Alex: All right. The question is, "Who is always around Biggs?"
(Laguna rings in)
Alex: Mr. Loire... ... ... ...where is your podium?
Laguna: I don't know. I'm confused. I think I lost it by accident.
Alex: Yes, you seem to have a problem with that, don't you? So how did you...? No, never mind, I don't want to know. Does anyone else want to answer this question? No? Come on, he's been in every game so far since FF6. Actually, he wasn't in FF9, I do think. Hurry up, now.
Bzzzzzzzzzt!
Alex: Oh, almost. The answer was, "Wedge."
Irvine: I knew that!
Alex: I doubt that. Now then, Mr. Kinneas, I hate to say this, but why don't you pick?
Irvine: Okay, fellah, I'll take "Famous Fishes."
Alex: Sure...this should be easy, but I'm not going to put money on it... all right, the question is: "Balamb is famous for what fish?"
(Zell buzzes in)
Alex: Yes, Zell?
Zell: My mom's cooking.
Bzzzzzzzzt!
Zell: What is my mom's cooking?
Bzzzzzzzzt!
Zell: Uh, who is my mom's cooking?
Bzzzzzzzzt!
Alex: You only get to answer once, Mr. Dincht. Does anyone else want to waste their time by trying to answer the question? No?
Bzzzzzzzt!
Alex: I must say, that's very wise. The first smart thing that's happened tonight. Laguna Loire, I'll let you pick even though your podium... you have a podium now.
Laguna: I was... I had no podium, and then it was... it came back.
Alex: Well, I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to hear from you again, but I guess my life still sucks.
Irvine: Amen to that, bruthah!
Alex: Whatever! Now, Laguna Loire, you pick...
Laguna: I'll take "Time Comwhatevers."
Alex: That's "Time Compressors," for how much?
Laguna: What?
Alex: For how much, Mr. Loire?
Laguna: Oh, um, I... ah, that is I... ahh, pass!
Alex: How about for six hundred? Okay, the question is "Who tried to compress time?"
(Irvine rings in)
Alex: Kinneas.
Irvine: Yes, it was that one chick... in the red. Or was it the black? Maybe even the other one...
Alex: Hurry, Mr. Kinneas.
Irvine: Calista Flockhart, Alex. Final answer.
Alex: No! Good God, are you a southern hick gun lover or just retarded?
Irvine: Hey, now!
Alex: Well, that's pretty much it for the categories. I guess we can move onto Final Jeopardy now. And the category is "Pretty Things." All you have to do is write down something that's pretty.
(Cue Final Jeopardy Music)
Alex: Pretty things. Something that's pretty. There is no wrong answer. Well, with you there could be, I suppose. But it's still very easy.
(Final Jeopardy Music ends)
Alex: Okay, Mr. Loire, let's see what you you wrote that's pretty:
FUTT BUCKER
Laguna: Ha!
Alex: That is unnecessary. I don't want to do this, but let's see what you wagered:
LOVES TREBEK
Alex: Okay... if you just had "Futt Bucker" you would have gotten it right.
Irvine: Good one, dude!
Laguna: Yeah!!
(They high-five again)
Alex: Stop it, stop it! Now, I hate to do this, but let's see what Mr. Kinneas wrote:
TEXAS
Alex: Well, I guess that's right. Let's see what you wagered.
ROCKS!!!!!
Alex: Well, I don't know if you'll get any rocks, but I'll just pretend you got that one right.
Irvine: Yeah!!! I got it right!!!
Alex: Sure you did. Now, Mr. Dincht. I'm scared, but let's see what you think is pretty:
ALEX TREBEK
Alex: Uhh, I'm going to pretend you put "kitties." You wager:
SUX MUNKEES
Alex: Okay, that explains it. You did not get that right.
Zell: HA HA HA HA!!! LOSER!!!
Alex: Okay, shut up!! Now, much to our dismay, the National Rifle Association will receivea check for ten thousand dollars. I'm Alex Trebek, and this has been one of the worst days of my life.
