Shiawasena Owari Katanantenai

A Recca no Honoo fanfic
By Tenshi no Ai

Yes, I absolutely still do not own Recca no Honoo. I am merely borrowing these characters, although I can't say that I'll bring them back in perfect condition...

(A/N: The second promise that Recca remembers is not my own creation, it's actually the last thing he says in Shounen Sunday #49. Yeah, it's a spoiler, deal with it. I was happy when I translated it...unfortunately, this chapter requires that I am anything but...)

(A/N #2: I'm going to thank reviewers of ch. 6 chapter now, because it's more appropriate. I'm sorry, but this is going to be very short.

rhiannon

ice blue eyes

Luna Crescent

The Blue Sorceress

stoned phreak

ReccaGirl

Jyun-chan

Showstopper

Karen

As well as those who reviewed Shiawasena Side Story #1-The Presence of You...

rhiannon

The Blue Sorceress

Showstopper

Anyway, onto the chapter...)



Ch. 7: Do (We Know Not What We...)
(Yanagi and Recca's POV)


(Yanagi's POV)

It's dark in here. So dark. No lights. Too dark.

I can't sleep. How can I?

I feel him in here.

He's going to wait until I drift off, then he's going to...

Kasumi-san usually leaves the lights on for me. But tonight a nurse was here, and she said that no one could possibly sleep with the full lights on. So then she turned them off.

But it's too dark in here to sleep.

I wish I had some sort of weapon here. Then I could protect myself!

No, but wait...I'm too weak. He'd just wrench it away from my grasp and hurt me more because I dared stand up against him.

I look at my left arm. Yes, like that time.

Nothing can stop him. He's invincible and he always gets what he wants.

You belong to me

He wants me.

Slowly, trying not to alert *his* attention, I draw my knees up to my chest and hug them with my useable arm. The tears leak out of my eyes, and my body shakes with silent sobs.

I can't make a sound.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I don't want to live like this! I wish he had killed me in that alley because...

It hurts too much to live.

My body shakes harder. When I get out of here, I'll have nothing. I know this. Fuuko-chan was trying to make me feel better by saying how much everyone cares about me.

But how can I care about myself? It's obvious that other people don't care about my well-being.

I'm just a shell for people to abuse. Even my famed healing powers...what use are they?

They can't heal my emotions. They can't make what happened to me disappear.

The only thing that makes my hurt disappear are those pills Kasumi-san gave me.

Slowly, I turn my head towards the night stand. Yes, they're still there! The bottle looks so small next to the glass of water on that table, and, just like what the last nurse tonight said, they're open just in case.

I need them.

When I take them, my hurt vanishes. It all vanishes. There's only me...and Recca.

Stealthily, I shift towards the night stand. I have to make sure that he doesn't see me, or else he'll just throw the pills away and then start hurting me. I know he'll do this, even though I can't see him right now.

But he's here, so I have to be careful.

I stretch out my arm ever so slowly, pushing through the motionless air until my hand is over the top of the bottle. I close my hand over the bottle, making sure that no errant rattles escapes and alerts *him*.

Once my precious prize, the pills that take me to my wonderland, is safely in my lap, I reach again for the glass of water, making sure that none of it spills.

Okaasan's face comes into my mind. Not my most recent memory of it, crumbled into itself and stained with tears, but her normal cheery expression. I strove to be like her because she was always so happy. She's the cheeriest, nicest nurse I know. In this memory, she was teaching me about taking pills.

If you take too many of them at once, you'll just throw up and the effect will be lost. Instead, take them at intervals so you can achieve the fullest effect.

I want to be in my magical world forever.

Slowly, as to not juggle the glass of water in my lap, I scrape out the first pill and place it on my tongue, then take a tiny sip of water. The pill goes down awkwardly, like it's stuck in my throat, so I take some more water.

I'll wait ten minutes before taking the next pill.

Recca...

I remember when I felt his hands on me, and then I woke up and you were there. You..you were there, staring at me like I was the most foreign object to ever meet your eyes. You hesitated to reach out for me.

You hesitated.

And that's when I knew it was all over. I knew then how much you knew about what happened to me, and I wanted to die right then.

That's why I turned away. I couldn't stand it. You knew. Just by looking at me you knew. I know that because the hospital wouldn't have told you what happened, nor would my parents. But you knew. And so does everyone else.

You'd be dirty if you ever touched me. I don't want the ones I love to be polluted by me.

But in my magical wonderland, I'll be different. I'll be clean. Nothing would change.

I'll only be yours, Recca-kun...

I can feel the realness of this world, this world where one mistake will destroy your life forever, tug ever so gently at the edges of my darkness-covered vision. I think I'll use five minutes intervals instead. Then I'll be with you forever and ever, Recca-kun.

You belong to me

No. I don't.

I belong to only Recca-kun.

See, I'll prove it. I already have the next pill in my hand.

I only belong to Recca-kun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Recca's POV)

It's too late. It's too late.

Even if I find that asshole who...with Yanagi-hime, she'll hate me forever.

To her, you'll be the rapist

Mikagami's right. I hate to say it, but he's right. That's why Hime freaked out when I touched her last night. That's why she turned away from me when I tried to reach out to her and comfort her.

It all makes sense now.

There's nothing I can do now to make up for my mistakes.

There's only one ending now.

I ran all the way home. I have to do this as soon as possible, so I don't lose any more honor.

Now that I know, there can't be anymore delay.

Quietly, I take off my sneakers and walk up the stairs softly. This house is so old that everything creaks. Soon I'm in my room.

I gotta do this quickly.

I shrug off my shirt and stick my head in my closet, looking for that stupid box...where is it...ah! I throw my shirt into the closet and drag out the box out of a bunch of clothes to the middle of my room. Kami-sama...I gotta lot of crap in this room. Anyway, let's open this box and...

Yep, just like I thought. I pull it out and hold it in front of me.

The ninja outfit I wore when I fought for Hime during the Urabatousatsujin III.

And you know what? I won too.

But do I deserve to wear it now?

Ah, screw it. I'm going to do this proper. I unzip and pull down my jeans, then start to put on the outfit's pants. I put on the netting top, the long-sleeved shirt and the tunic, taking off the tekkou for a moment to adjust the sleeve before putting it back on. Even though I've grown in the 3 years after everything that happened, it all still fits good.

There's no turning back now.

I clear off the middle of my room. As an afterthought, I go to the bathroom and pick up some of towels, spreading them on the newly-cleared floor.

Hime...

I walk over to my bookshelf and reach up. This is where I've placed my favorite katana.

I keep on hesitating, pausing every once in awhile. I'm not scared...at least, not of doing this.

I'm scared because I'll never see Hime again.

I keep on breaking promises with her.

And we'll never show our powers to anyone else, okay?

Okay, Hime

But I ended up showing them when I fought Kaachan in the abandoned warehouse.

We'll absolutely never separate from each other, koi!!

Well...I guess it sounded good at the time.

I trudge back to the middle of the towels and carefully kneel down. I don't have enough time to prepare all the ceremonial stuff. Hell, I don't even have a kaishakunin, the second who's supposed to cut off my head after seppuku.

What does it matter, anyway? I'm not a samurai, so I probably shouldn't even be doing this anyway.

Maybe I should go over to Mikagami's and make him invoke the promise.

Don't worry. If you ever fail Yanagi-san, I'll cut you in half myself

No. I'm just trying to delay again. Why? Isn't this what I deserve?

I unsheathe the sword, the metal reflecting the moonlight from my window.

I place the tip of the blade at the middle of my stomach.

Take a deep breath...

Wait.

This doesn't seem right.

If I'm going to do this, I want Hime here. It's for her sake that I'm doing this. It's all for her.

But I can't go to the hospital and see her because

You'll remind her of the rapist. To her you'll be the rapist

it's late out and if I come into her room now I'll

be the rapist

Yeah. That.

Okay then. I know what to do. I get up and walk to my bookcase again. In front of the sword stand is the only framed picture I'll ever have in this room.

This is a picture of Hime the day we all graduated from high school. Look at those turquoise eyes, so bright and full of life...so different than what they look like now...her light brown hair with the sunstreaks because Fuuko gave her a coupon to a hair stylist for her birthday two months before. But I remember her hair the last time I saw her, how dark it looked.

And then there's her smile.

But she'll never smile like that again. At least, not to me.

Never again.

This is my final walk to the middle of the floor. I set the framed picture on the outside of the towels, so that I can still see her, but my blood won't touch the frame.

I don't want to make her dirty.

I take my place in the middle of the towels and place the tip of the sword at my stomach again. In the moonlight I can see Hime's smile.

I'll do anything to make you happy, Hime.

The cold metal bites into my insides, pushing out of my back, but strangely it doesn't hurt as much when I look at you.

I can still see you smiling at me through the tears in my eyes.

You're happy, right?

I'll do anything to make you happy.
~~~~~~~~~