______________________________________________
Pieces
Part Three: To Feel and Be Free
by katanashi
______________________________________________
* * * * *
"Oi! Mikagami! Open up, you ice-head!" Recca yelled, pounding on the door.
"Go away, Hanabishi." Mikagami's voice was completely flat.
"Make me!"
"Hn."
Recca hit the door again. "Teme…" he began angrily, before Yanagi took his arm and quietly pulled him away. While she tried to reason with him to calm down, Fuuko took the chance and rapped on the door.
"I told you to go away, Hanabishi."
Fuuko rolled his eyes. "I'm not Recca, Mi-chan. Come on, open up, onegai?"
"Why should I?"
"We just want to make sure you're alright, that's all."
"I'm fine."
"Uh huh. Open up, pretty boy."
"No."
Fuuko bit her tongue to keep back an angry retort. She counted to ten, reminded herself that they were here to help him, and took a deep breath. "Come on, Tokiya. Open the door."
"No."
"Why not?" Fuuko asked. "Give me one good reason why you can't open the door."
"Maybe because I'm still sore from yesterday," Mikagami said sarcastically. "Or because I'm just feeling like a complete bakayaro from being so dumb."
'I never thought I'd live to see the day Mikagami calls himself an idiot,' Fuuko thought, amused despite her impatience. "Alright," she said aloud as she winked at Domon. "Domon, why don't you break the door down then, since Mi-chan isn't capable of opening it?"
"Sure," Domon agreed easily. "Hey, Mikagami, you've got ten seconds to open the door yourself before I open it for you! One, two…"
Yanagi finally succeeded in calming Recca down and the two rejoined the group.
"Three, four…"
"What's going on?" Recca asked his mother.
"Five, six…"
"Mikagami-kun refuses to open the door, so if he doesn't open it by ten, then Domon will break the door down."
"Seven, eight…"
Recca raised an eyebrow. "He'd better do it fast, then."
"Nine, te--"
The door opened to show a very cross Mikagami Tokiya glaring at them.
Domon, who had his fist poised to meet the wood, looked disappointed as he lowered his fist. "Kuso. I was hoping you wouldn't open it," he complained.
Mikagami gave him an exasperated look, then turned and wordlessly disappeared back into his room.
Fuuko followed. "Mi-chan, come on, it's time to go," she said. She glanced at the mess in the room and was appalled. "Your room's gross! I can't believe you're as bad--"
"I'm not." Mikagami cut her short. "I just felt like throwing things around last night."
"I didn't think you felt anything at all," came Recca's retort from the door. He was immediately pulled away into the hall again. Fuuko couldn't actually hear what was going on, but she could easily imagine it. Yanagi would call Recca a meanie, and start to cry, and Recca would hastily promise her that he'd make it up, blah blah blah. Fuuko looked up in an attempt to hold back her imminent puking. They were cute together, yes, but they were too cute at times.
"What do you want, Kirisawa?"
Her gaze shifted back to Mikagami. He was sitting by the window, in a chair that he had obviously dragged over there since it looked so out of place, and was gazing blankly out the window.
Fuuko sat down beside him. "We just want to make sure you're alright."
"I'm fine. Now leave."
'He certainly isn't the grateful type,' Fuuko thought, annoyed. "You know, we came all the way over here just to check on you," she began. "You could at least be a little nicer."
Mikagami snorted and looked away. "Decency has no meaning anymore."
Fuuko frowned. "Fine." She crossed her arms stubbornly over her chest. "If you don't get packed in ten minutes, you get to stay here with Mori Kouran."
For one incredible moment, Fuuko actually thought Mikagami wouldn't move. Then, slowly, the swordmaster rose to his feet and began picking up his sparse belongings. Fuuko barely hid her grin.
"Need help?" Domon offered.
Mikagami turned his icy stare to him. "No. I don't need your disgusting skin peeling off onto my clothes."
"Too bad," Domon said cheerfully, continuing to pick up Mikagami's stuff. Surprisingly, Mikagami didn't protest further. In fact, Fuuko mused, it almost seemed as if he appreciated Domon's help. 'How strange…'
"I'll help, too," she offered, heading to the bathroom. She was somewhat surprised to find it perfectly tidy and neat, with a clean floor and sink-- except for one silver hair.
Fuuko picked it up and held it against the bathroom light, watching its gentle sparkle. "For an ice king like him, he sure has pretty hair," she commented to herself. She was always envious of people with good hair; her own lavender locks were finally decent-looking after countless bottles of shampoo and conditioner, but in the beginning, they had been horribly coarse. "It's not fair sometimes."
"It's also a pain to keep neat." Mikagami was standing in the doorway. For a moment, his eyes softened.
"Then why do you keep your hair long?" Fuuko inquired. "It's certainly not conventional in Japan."
A long pause ensued as Mikagami looked off to the side, studying the cracks on the walls absently. Fuuko waited, then decided that maybe it was better for her to let her friend have some time to himself. Sometimes, even the most open of people didn't want to talk about the things bothering them, and Mikagami was certainly not an open person.
"I'll go help Domon," she said quickly. "You don't mind getting your stuff together from here?" She waited for a reply, and when it was not forthcoming, she headed for the door when his quiet voice stopped her.
"I haven't cut my hair since Mifuyu died."
Fuuko stopped short, then slowly turned around. "Honto?" she said softly. That would explain his reluctance to answer her question. She felt a pang of guilt for inadvertedly bringing up what was obviously a painful past.
Mikagami nodded. "It's foolish, I suppose," he said with a sigh. "But it was a way to keep reminding myself what I had promised to do. And Neechan always wore her hair long. I've never seen her with short hair." He reached up to his ponytail as he spoke, fingering the silken strands. "Perhaps it is time I should cut it."
Fuuko looked at him. "Maybe it is, Mi-chan…"
"And maybe it isn't," he added, finishing her thought. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore." He sighed heavily and leaned against the wall. The same folorn emptiness that had filled his eyes last night came rushing back.
Fuuko put a hand on his shoulder tentatively, but took it away quickly when he tensed. "Look, Mi-chan, I know you're torn up and stuff, but you've always got us. You're not going to lose us like you lost Mifuyu."
Mikagami laughed bitterly. "Whoever said I had anything to lose in the first place?" The words were cruel and screamed false in his ears, but his icy exterior was something he couldn't afford to lose yet. Without it, he'd fade into oblivion, unable to adjust to the world around him.
Fuuko felt as though she'd been slapped in the face. "Is that how you feel, Mikagami?" she demanded. "Is that all? Are we worthless, to be thrown away like an outgrown toy?" Her voice rose. "After the whoel bloody tournament, where we saved your life and you saved ours?"
"It was strictly for survival. I told you before that I was in it only to find my sister's killer."
Fuuko stared at him. "Fine, then." Even though her voice was abnormally quiet, the anger in her tone lashed into him like no whip in the world could. They left fresh cuts in his already wounded soul, and reopened the half-healed ones.
He was slowly bleeding to a spiritual death.
Someone cleared their throat at the door. Both Fuuko and Mikagami looked up to see Kagero standing in the doorway. Neither had noticed her arrival or presence, which was amazing in itself because both were extremely alert despite the emotional turmoil.
"Fuuko, I think Domon and Recca need some help with the car," Kagero said. "Would you mind?"
Fuuko shook her head. "Not at all." As she passed Kagero, she muttered, "Have fun with the king of ungratefulness."
Kagero smiled sympathetically. Fuuko was a generous, kind-hearted girl, but she couldn't relate to what the boy in the room was going through. None of the Hokage could.
Mikagami was slumped against the wall, head lowered and his hair covering half his face. When Kagero touched his arm, it took him several seconds to react. Kagero was quietly appalled at his appearance. It really wasn't that bad by normal standards, but for the usually impeccable Mikagami, it was that bad. His eyes were bloodshot, his face pale, and he moved with an uncharacteristic lethargy.
Kagero fixed him with a stern look. "Don't even try the 'I'm fine' business," she told him. "I can see right through your charade."
Mikagami's face quirked into a half-smile. "In a way, I'm relieved."
Kagero nodded, understanding. "You don't have to hide from any of us," she said gently.
Mikagami sighed. "I know. But I can't. I guess that's one thing I haven't learned yet."
"It'll take time. But I'm sure you'll find the heart to trust us eventually." Kagero smiled at him. "Even though you don't believe in yourself, we do. Until you can do that for yourself, we're going to have to do it for you."
"I feel dependent." Mikagami's eyes clouded. "I don't like it," he added bluntly. He had never been one who pretended about what he felt; he just didn't like to show it.
"You're not used to it," Kagero corrected him, not mincing words. "Everyone depends on someone, Mikagami. You need to shift that dependence from your sister to us."
Mikagami winced and turned away, taking a deep breath. Memories of his sister flooded his mind. Mifuyu watching TV with Tokiya, pointing out certain bits of the show…helping him with his homework…tucking him in at night…
Kagero's heart constricted at the obvious pain Mikagami was in. It was so cruel. If only Meguri Kyoza had thought through this, and realized that he could have easily ruined another person's life with his actions! Then again, Kagero thought darkly, he probably had. A swordmaster never did things in haste; Meguri had probably believed that his own glory and Mikagami's exceptional talent outweighed whatever mental risks the situation presented. She hated the man all the more with that assumption, especially since the damage had already been done.
Mikagami had been taught to control his emotions, a skill he took to a whole new level. Now, when he was desperate to let them out, he simply couldn't. All they could do now was be there for him, and slowly, he would learn to let himself go. Like she had told him earlier, it would take time. But like she had also said earlier, she was confident he would succeed.
"I wish I could feel," Mikagami whispered brokenly. "I wish I was free."
Kagero put her hand on his shoulder and raised his chin with the other. "Tokiya," she said quietly, with conviction. "You are free. And you do feel. All you need to do is to let go."
* * * * *
Fuuko handed the last of Mikagami's luggage to Domon, who crammed them into the car.
"I can't believe it all fit!" Recca exclaimed.
"Neither can I," Kaoru said, agreeing with Recca for once. "I mean, with Fuuko's bags taking up so much space-- uh oh." He glanced nervously behind him.
"Hmph." Fuuko crossed her arms and glared at him. "I'll let that slide, squirt, but for this time only."
Relief washed over Kaoru's face. "Thanks, Fuuko."
Fuuko smiled. "It's no problem."
"Yeah, because it was true," Recca said with a snicker. A moment later, he was sprawled out on the grass with spinning eyes, as a worried Yanagi fussed over him.
Fuuko rubbed her fist and huffed in irritation. "You better not grow up like them, Kaoru. I have enough idiots to deal with."
"Then what about me? I have to be the zookeeper of four different monkeys," she heard a familiar voice comment from behind.
She whirled and almost ran right into Mikagami, who had a faintly amused expression on his face.
"Mi-chan! You feeling better?" Fuuko asked at once.
"Yes, I am." Mikagami seemed to struggle silently for a moment, then added in a low voice, "Arigatou, Fuuko."
Fuuko stared at him, bewildered. "Huh?"
Mikagami rolled his eyes. "I am not repeating that," he said, letting his old attitude kick in. "Surely you understand such basic Japanese, or is that monkey brain of yours starting to soften?"
"What? I--uh--hey!" Fuuko was indignant as she realized he had just called her a monkey again. "What do you mean by that, you idiot?!"
Mikagami half-smirked. 'Some things just don't change,' he thought, strangely content with the concept.
Meanwhile, the others had gotten into the car. "Oi! Mikagami! Fuuko! Get in here, or we're leaving you behind!" Recca hollered.
Fuuko stopped her tirade immediately and ran for the car, obviously not taking the chance that Recca might be serious. She had spent enough time around the creepy place to have enough of it.
But Mikagami took his time, glancing around one last time before ambling to the car, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Recca had gotten into the car and was waiting for him. "Jeez, you sure like to take strolls at the worst times," he remarked, but there was no malice in his tone, only a playful lilt. "Come on, let's go. Take the front seat," he added when he saw Mikagami reach for the back door handle.
Mikagami raised his eyebrow, mystified by the unusual request. "Why's that?"
"'Cause you look tired, man. You'll get carsick really easily if you sit in the back. And trust me, tired, carsick, and grumpy is the worst combination in the world. I've been through it, and I've been with a friend who went through it. Both rank as among my top tne worst experiences." Recca clapped a hand companionably on his shoulder and looked closely at him. "You're sure you're alright? We can stop by somewhere to rest if you get tired."
Mikagami was inclined to feel offended at the fuss Recca was making over him, but the irritation was surprisingly absent. Instead, he felt pleased, even touched by Recca's concern. "No, I'm fine, but…thank you."
Recca looked surprised, then grinned. "No problem, man."
Mikagami got into the front seat, and Recca climbed into the back-- right next to Yanagi, Mikagami noted dryly. If it was anyone else but Recca, he'd have know right away that the chance to sit next to one's girlfriend would be the reason for the switch. But Recca…and Fuuko…and Domon…and even Kaoru were different. They cared about him.
They care about me.
A smile wormed its way onto his face as he leaned back against the cushions, hardly aware of the engine starting and the car lurching forward, leaving behind the grassy expanse of Mori Kouran's estate and heading towards their middle-class town.
He heard Fuuko yelling at Domon, Domon alternating between sniffs and sobs, Recca and Kaoru calling each other names, and Yanagi trying to calm everyone down. Beside him, Kagero only shook her head and kept on driving.
Somehow, they were the most pleasant things he'd heard for a long, long time. These people were like a clear umbrella on a rainy day, letting him see what was going after him but not letting it through. Slowly, the wall in his mind's eye began to fall again, hopefully a wall that he wouldn't need. The icy exterior began to soften and melt.
And for the first time since that awful day that Mifuyu was killed, with his long silver hair draped loosely around his face and closed eyes, Mikagami Tokiya finally smiled a real smile.
* * * * *
Whooo! I actually finished it! Big thanks to those who stuck by me and urged me on; I don't think I would have been able to finish without u guyz. What do you think about this story? Tell me! (so I can do better next time)
Comments and feedback always appreciated ^^.
______________________________________________
