Chapter 8

As I finally pull away form him I trace his lips with my fingers, run my hand over the softness of his cheek. I love him so much it hurts, and there have been times where I have actually gotten frustrated because I was unable to express it. Even with all the words in the world, every language, none could describe my love for this Angel, or the Angels' beauty.

I stop when I see his tears. Fear grips me momentarily as a thought passes through my head.

"Quatre! Are you Ok?" I ask softly, though I can hear worry in my voice. "Did I hurt you? Are you all right?" I ask frantically. I want to hold him and tell him everything will be Ok, but I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm almost hysterical with worry, he's begun to sob quietly and turn away from me.

"Quatre, I'm sorry! Whatever I did, I'm so sorry!" propping myself up on my elbow I put a hand on his shoulder, peering at him worridly. "I didn't mean to hurt you! Did I?" I brush his golden bangs back from his face and he turns his head into the pillow. "Oh Quatre, please...please tell me what's wrong..."

* * *

He's so worried about me. I want to tell him what happened but I'm not sure how he'll take it. I don't know if he'll even want to touch me after he finds out, Hell, I don't even want to touch me.

I scramble up off the bed and pull my pants up as I try to make my way to the bathroom. He won't want to touch me anymore, he won't want to hold me, he won't want to love me since I've been claimed by the enemy.

"Quatre! What's wrong?!" Duo yells after me and I hear him scrambling to get up and follow me. I slam the bathroom door and lock it in a vain hope to keep him away.

* * *

The slamming of the door echoes the sound of my body hitting the floor, legs wound in the sheets. I extract myself from their grasp in time to hear the door lock. Like it would stop me, I think as I stumble over. I can hear Quatre sobbing inside, the water running as well.

"Quatre, tell me what's wrong." I ask gently. I'm greeted by silence.

"Please tell me. You locked the door to keep me out, you know it won't work if I really need to come in."

"No, don;t!" Quatre yells, and I feel him leaning against the door.

"I won't if you tell me what's wrong."

"F-fine." He says. He sounds so scared it pulls at my heart and I would knock the door down to comfort him had I not said I wouldn't.

"Ok, first, did I do something?" I ask quietly, dreading, yet needing to know the answer. "If I did something to hurt you..." I trail off and squeeze my eyes shut. How could I live with myself if I ha caused my Angel pain?

* * *

He's so concerned about me...

"If I did something to hurt you..."

He trails off. How can he think he's hurt me? My god, my Duo, I know he never would, but he cares so much.

"N-no Duo." I stutter between sobs. I shouldn't say his name, I'm not worth even that much anymore. I can hear him sigh in relief.

"Thank god."

I hear him slide down the door and can tell he's probably in the same position as I'm in, sitting and waiting. I'm waiting for him to reject me, and show disgust, and him? He's probably waiting to find out what's wrong.

"Well then tell me Angel," he says softly, "tell me what has you so sad. What it is that's making you so upset."

Yup, waiting to find out what's wrong. I sigh and shift to lean against the cool porcelain side of the bathtub, the running water soothing me a little. "You won't want me if you know." I mumble quietly, half hoping he doesn't hear. I reach behind me and grab the sponge, dipping it in the water and scrubbing violently at my skin. Maybe if I wash enough I'll stop feeling so dirty.

* * *

I press my ear to the door when I realize he's changed position.

"You won't want me if you know." He says quietly.

Me not want him? Is he worried about me rejecting him if I find out what happened? What could possibly have him thinking something like that? I don't ever lie, and I told him I'd always be there for him if he needed me, when he needed me. Even if he only wanted friendship, I'd do whatever it took to make him happy. Did he fail the mission? Or did he accidentally kill a civilian? What could—

I hear splashing.

"Quatre, what're doing?" I ask softly, worried about my lover.

"Making myself clean." I almost don't hear it. "If I'm clean then it'll go away. I'll forget and you'll love me."

I blink. "I do love you!" I tell him quietly, putting all the meaning I can into the words. "I don't lie, and I'm telling you I love you. I always will, no matter what you do. So whatever's happened, it won't matter because I'll still love you, even if..." I falter as the thought strikes me, "even if you don't love me back."

The splashing stops and I hear him move again, leaning against the door.

"I love you too, and I know," I hear him say softly, slightly muffled because of this barrier, "I know you love me. But you won't." He sound bitter. "You won't, not after what's happened." He shifts again and the splashing resumes.

"Tell me..." I urge softly.

"You'll hate me."

I can tell he's not going to talk. Guessing never was a strong point of mine. "I could never hate you, ever. Now, if you won;t tell I'll be forced to guess." I hear him sniff and more splashing, "Did something go wrong in the mission?"

"Yes." He admits quietly.

"What went wrong?"

Silence..."I-I was captured."

"Is that what has you worked up?" I don't believe that could be it, something else must have happened. We've all been captured at one point or another. "What happened while you were captured?"

Greeted by silence once more, though the sobbing returns.

Could it be that—? I know the only people he's ever been with were Trowa and myself, so could it be that when he was captured the officers...?

Everything clicks into place with a startling bang. That's why he feels dirty, the reason he thinks I won't love him, why he's trying to wash the feeling away. Oh god, I should have seen it sooner!

I'm torn between running out the door in a rage and blowing up the bastards that did this, as well as all their Ozzie friends, and tearing down the door to comfort my Angel. Neither one would get me very good results. On one hand he'd think I had abandoned him, on the other, I may scare him. There are few times in life where I don't know what to do. This is one of them. The sobbing gets my attention again.

"Angel, while you were there, did the officers...they..." I trail off again, not knowing how to put it delicately enough.

"Y-yes..." he says softly.

"My god! I'll kill them!" I explode. Hearing him confirm it just make me even madder at those low ranking excuses for human life. I'm on my feet and pacing, never going more than a foot from the door.

"When I get my hands on them I'll tear them apart so slowly that they'll hear every last one of their nerves, their muscles, their cells, scream for mercy!" I stop by the door and lean my head on the wood surface in an attempt to calm myself down, my hands in fists on either side of me.

"Quatre?" I ask quietly, I'm answered with sniffles. "I'm not mad at you Quatre, you couldn't help it." I sigh and turn around, frantically finishing through my braid for a lock pick.

"Yes I could've..." he answers quietly. "I'm sorry it took so long for me, but I was trying to pick the lock...I was trying so hard for the longest time, but they just kept coming. I couldn't fight them after a while and I had to stop resisting so I could stay awake and have more time to try before...before they came back." He dries quietly. "I'm so sorry! This is why you won't want to touch me...it's my fault."

I stop, my back facing the door. I'll have to tell him. Something I've never told anyone else but my oldest friend, who took the secret to his grave when he fell ill. It was never something I was proud of, but I knew I had to do it to get food for the rest of us...

I turn back around, my hands falling to my sides again as I lean against the door and once more slide to the bottom.

"Quatre...I—I have to tell you something." I rest my head on the wood behind me, keeping my eyes closed in an effort to hold back the tears that are threatening to reappear. "First off, I know what you're going through...it's happened to me before too."