Shrek Meets The X-Men

Chapter 1: Sinister's Sinister Plan

Uh, hey ya'll! This here is a Shrek/X-Men crossover. I don't think this has been done before. I love both Shrek and the X-Men and thought, what the hell. So, here it is. Not a whole lot of Shrek *yet*, but I had to show how the X-Men got to Duloc. Next chapter, Shrek and the X-Men see Farquaad in an attempt to get his swamp back, and try to find a witch of some sort to send the X-Men back. See ya again next time! (Pre-Fiona for now, but not for long... I like her...)

**********

Sinister sat in his study, once again brooding because he had been beaten by the X-Men for the 800 billionth time, and he was getting pretty sick of it.

"I can live forever, yes, but I want to put my plans into action *now*, dammit!" he cried in his sickly metallic voice, slamming his large fist on the heavy, steel table. His outburst caught the attention of one of his minions, a large, blonde man by the name of Victor "Sabretooth" Creed. Creed was a large man, and fairly unintelligent looking. That's where people had him wrong. You had to be smart to stay alive when you have so many people wanting your head, Wolverine and Gambit being towards the top of the list.

"I would do anything to get rid of those X-bastards myself, Essex, but they just won't die. Perhaps we could knock 'em off one at a time, but they always travel in packs, the cowards..."

"I wish they didn't exist. I more than want them dead, I don't want them on the Earth, even six-feet-underground is too damn good for them. I want them so far away from here that even memories of them are non- existant. I want them out of this solar system, out of this galaxy..."

"...out of this reality." Sabretooth said, a cruel grin spread across his face.

"What are you talking about, Creed?"

"Cheney, boss. Lila Cheney."

**********

Lila Cheney had just retired to her bedroom; she was taking a break from touring, and had decided to vacation on Earth this time. She had heard so many things about France that she just had to visit it. She smiled as she thought about the many French men she had danced with at the party just a few hours before, and how more than a few had tried to get her drunk enough to let them share her bed with them, even for just a night. Trying to take advantage of her.

'Being gorgeous does have it's drawbacks, I guess' she thought. But, it had gotten her quite a few free drinks. She smiled once more as she yawned and pulled the blanket tightly around her. It her mind, though, it was well worth it. She closed her eyes, and was nearly asleep when a deep, evil voice woke her.

"Hey, sweetheart. This is gonna be the longest nap you've ever taken." Her last sight was of a hulking blonde giant above her, teeth gleaming in the moonlight. A second later, her neck was snapped and her world grew dark.

**********

"So, the plan is we clone the bitch, but cut her memory out, right?"

"Not exactly, Creed. We don't 'cut her memories out'. What we do is brainwash her into thinking she is a Marauder, like yourself. Then she will do the work, no questions asked."

"Oh. How long does the process take, the brainwashing and cloning and everything."

"In my special cloning chamber, two weeks." Sabretooth nodded his head, and went back to his quarters.

**********

*Two Weeks Later, Xavier's mansion, Westchester, New York*

The X-Men were assembled in the main den, surrounding a television. They had recently put in 'The Waterboy' DVD, and were currently mocking Gambit.

'First, dat damn Cajun Man skit on Saturday night Live, now dis! You *will* pay, Adam Sandler.' Gambit was not amused by any of it, but everyone else was.

Bobby was having the most fun with it, bringing up every damn cajun thing he could. "I tol' ya'll dis movie be good."

"Look, Bobby, any more a dis an' I will beat you, I..."

"Gar-ahn-tee?" Bobby put in.

"Gaaaaaaargh!" Gambit lunged at Bobby, but was distracted by a sudden bright light in the middle of the room. All of the X-Men's attention were focused on it, eyes wide. Suddenly, then light died down, and Lila Cheney stood before them.

"Hey there, Lila. Ya scared us there for a minute!"

"Somethin' don' smell right," Logan growled. He sniffed the air again, and started to say something, but was cut off by Lila.

"I have a message from Sinister. He says 'Goodbye'." Before anyone could think, they were all engulfed by the light, and when it dimmed, they and Lila were all in the middle of a large forest, but unlike any forest they'd ever seen. It all looked so... surreal.

Suddenly, Cyclops spoke up. "Lila, take us back, now!" It would have been funny at any other time, considering the situation they all were in, and Cyclops still trying to give orders. But this time, it was not.

"Sorry, Scott. I am unable to comply."

"What the hell? That sure don't sound like the Lila Ah know! Look, Cheney, jus' take us all back, and we'll pretend like this whole thang nevah happened, 'kay, sugah?"

"Rogue, unable to comply." With that, she pulled a revolver from her pocket, and before anyone could say or do anything else, she put it to her head and pulled the trigger. They were all speechless and confused, and wishing like mad that it was all a dream. They soon found out it wasn't. All of the X-Men suddenly turned around at the sound of a booming, scottish voice.

"What're ya doin' in my swamp?" A large, green man with oddly shaped ears asked of them, a tad rudely. He suddenly noticed the dead woman, gun in hand and blood pooling around her.

"Ah, shit..." he managed. "Uh, er, what I meant to say was, welcome to my swamp." Hank stepped out from the group, trying to be diplomatic, but it didn't have the desired effect.

"Argh, ya're here to kill me, eh? I'll fight ye, to the death! All a ye!" Suddenly, a donkey strolled over the hilltop, humming happily to himself, until he noticed the group.

"Oh, my god! Shrek! What's goin' on here, man. I thought chu said you don't have many guests, and here I see... one, two... well, that's as high as I can count, but there's a lot more than that, an'..."

"Oh my stars and garters..." Beast mumbled.

"...it talks!" Beast and Donkey said in unison, refering to each other.

"Look, bub. We don't care 'bout yer damn swamp, we just want out of here. Where the flamin' hell are we, anyways?"

"Ah... yer in a swamp, on the outskirts of Duloc."

"Duloc? What country is this?"

"Country? Ah... I don't know. Never given it much thought. You know, Donkey?"

"Nope, Shrek, can't say that I do. I mean, up until earlier today, all I've ever seen was that nasty old woman's back yard, and she never told me nothin' bout any kind of country, or anything. I'm tellin' you, it was awful there! All I ever got to eat was..."

"Shut up!" Yelled Storm. Even she was pushed to her limits by the annoying jackass. Everyone slowly turned towards her, their jaws hanging. "Huh? Storm?"

Suddenly, though, they were distracted by Jean. "I... you guys?"

"Yeah?"

"I scanned his mind, and, um... we're in some sort of fairy tale land."

Everone looked around their group, everyone unsure and pretty frightened. "A... er, a fairy tale land? That, Jean, is scientifically impossible! There is no way we are in a fairy tale land. I mean, seriously, that... are you sure?"

Shrek, however, wasn't concerned about that. "You did what to my mind? Y-You invade my land, scare me outta m'wits, then ye scan me without my permission! What is a 'scan', anyways?"

"I read your thoughts, to make sure you weren't lying, and to get some information."

"Oh, really. How 'bout that. Well, DON'T DO IT AGAIN, A'RIGHT!"

"Shrek, what I said about your breath, man, I wasn't kidding! You seriously do need..."

"Shut up!" Everyone shouted at him, with the exception of Bobby, who was just glad it wasn't him being yelled at this time.

"So, what do we do about this?" Asked Storm.

"We'll think about this overnight. Hey, uh, Shrek, can we stay with you tonight?"

"I... I don't guess I really have much of a choice... but just fer a night, a'right? I'm gettin' a headache a'ready..." The large green guy shook his head in a sign of defeat. He walked towards his house, Donkey and X-Men in tow, all silent except for the constantly chattering Donkey and Bobby.

**********

Uhm... the end for now... next chapter coming up soon, if I recieve any good reviews saying that I should. Er... thaz it.