Oh, BTW, I don't own Shrek, the X-Men, or anything else. I blatantly ripped some lines from the movie. They may not be exact, as I'm doing it from memory, but I think it was neccessary. You can decide. If ya read, please review, it's only proper!

This is Blimey The Toad, signing off.

Chapter Two: To Duloc We Shall Go

Shrek motioned towards a giant tree that had been hollowed and turned into a house of some sort.

"This is my home. That is the outhouse. I guess you'll want t'eat, eh?"

"Uhm... yeah, sure Shreky, but-"

"Do NOT call me Shreky. It is Shrek, nothin' more, nothin' less."

"Oh... sorry. So, uh, what's for dinner?"

"Well, little, uh, Bobby is it? Tonight, it is swamp fish in a red slug sauce."

"Ew! That's, like, gross!"

"Shut up, Bobby." Ordered Scott.

Bobby turned to Donkey. "So, Donkey, what are you going to have?"

"Well, me, being a donkey and all, I guess I'll be having some grass or something similar, ya know, 'cause grass is what us donkey's eat. Maybe we get a few grains every now and then, but grass tends to be the main part of the diet. I tell you, I have had all sorts of grass!"

"Me too! I especially love that really thick grass, 'Snake Weed' is it...?"

"Bobby, you are the one who ate my plants! You said it was Wolverine, when he went all feral there for awhile!"

"Uh... um... sorry?"

"You said it was me, bub? I'll slice 'n dice ya fer lyin' ta 'Ro, ya little...!"

"Not now, Logan! We need as many people alive as possible until we get home. It can wait."

"Hey, now, I don't wanna die! Not at home, even!"

Logan eyed Bobby viciously, wondering if anyone would believe him if he said he "went feral" again and killed Bobby. He decided noone would probably care one way or the other.

"Alright, I c'n wait."

Bobby quickly moved to the other side of Donkey.

Storm spoke up. "Shrek, where are we going to sleep? You don't seem to have enough room."

"Aw, I can make room somewhere."

"Wait, Shrek, you said I had to stay outside. That's not fair! I found you first, which means I got dibs, which means...!"

"You, Donkey, stay outside, because that's where jackasses belong."

"Hey, I don't wanna be outside!" Bobby whined.

"Sorry, Bobby. Gotta follow de rules an' all." Gambit walked inside after Shrek, and was followed by the rest of the X-Men (sans Bobby). Bobby looked sad at first, but Donkey approached him.

"Hey, man! Least you ain't alone... I'm here. Now neither of us are alone. I mean, if I was you, I'd be scared to stay in the same *county* as that hairy guy. He seems to have something against you. Or maybe it's just a stick of some sort jammed up his..."

"Shut up, Donkey. One more word outta either of you, I'll skin ya both." Wolverine then unsheathed his claws to show them both that he meant business.

And the household was quiet into the night.

**********

Their quiet was soon interupted.

*BANG*

"Whot the... is that you, Donkey? Bobby? Stop playin' in the damn kitchen, you two. I told you both to stay outside."

"We *are* outside, Shrek!"

"I thought I told you two t' stay quiet!" Growled Wolverine.

"But Shrek talked first!" Whined Bobby.

"I'll let it slip this time, but next-"

"Shh! There's someone in m' house!"

"Well, yeah, Shrek. Dere's me, Roguey here, Ol' One Eye over dere, an'-"

"Besides you guys, moron. Let me go check it out." Shrek stood up and tip- toed into the kitchen, but at frist could see nothing... until a flash of white caught his eye. He quickly lit up the candle on the table, and was able to make out a small figure wearing sunglasses. A small... mouse?

"C'mere y' little rodent!" He tried to catch it, but was unsuccessful. The one rodent was joined by two others, all little white scoundrels, all in tiny pairs of sunglasses.

The one he noticed first ran up his arm, then called down to his little friends.

"I found some cheese!" The apparently blind mouse was faced towards Shrek's ear, drooling hungrily. CHOMP!

"Ew, awful stuff!"

"Get back here, y' little pest."

Shrek grabbed all three of the mice by their tails. "What are you doing here!"

Suddenly, a glass box with a pale young woman in it was placed upon the table.

"Wait, get broad *off* the table!"

Shrek heard his name being called, cutting off what the 7 men were going to say.

"Uh, Shrek, sugah... thar appears ta be... a wolf in lady's clothes in ya're bed."

"Huh?" Shrek quickly raced down the hall to his bedroom, where, sure enough, a cross-dressing canine was in his bed. He was, however, quickly yanked from the bed by Rogue.

"Ah don't think ya'll was invited. An' that means Ah don't think ya'll should *be* here." Rogue threw him outside, but was suprised by what she found. A very upset, angrier-than-Wolverine Shrek was staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed out at his front yard, which was currently covered by tents and many... things... running around.

"Wow, Gambit don' 'member dem bein' dere a little while ago!" He, of course, got slapped by Rogue, Jean, and Storm.

"What are they doing here, and you'd better have some damn good answers." Wolverine turned towards Bobby and Donkey.

"Uh... permission to speak?"

"Just answer me, damnit!"

"We didn't invite 'em, they just showed up alla the sudden."

"Why didn't you say anything to us about it?!"

"Um, well, we didn't want to die."

Wolverine slapped his forehead in frustration, and gave up on the two jabbering morons.

Shrek was currently addressing the crowd.

"... well, nobody *invited* us! We were forced to come here."

"By who?"

"Lord Farquaad. He huffed, und he puffed, und he... signed an eviction notice."

"Does anyone know where this... Farquaad guy is?"

Noone answered, as they feared Farquaad's wrath. Only Donkey admitted to knowing where Farquaad was staying. Shrek agreed to help the little freaks, as he wanted his swamp back, and eventually enlisted the help of the X-Men. They set off that night, to the sound of cheering. The crowd didn't seem to mind that Shrek was doing this all because of pure selfishness. They didn't want to be in the smelly, dirty swamp any more than he wanted them to be.

"See, I told ya I knew where it was!" Everyone rolled their eyes, except for Bobby.

"I knew you would, Donkey. You're a genius, my little buddy!" Everyone groaned. Bobby sucking up to Donkey, and he was eating it up. They had heard nothing but their chatter all night.

Shrek noticed a man in a giant head a little ways ahead, so he called to him. However, a giamt green ogre, a big furry guy, a talking donkey, a guy with red eyes, and an assortment of other odd charectors caused him to be afraid, and run away.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" He cried, as he ran through the line, trying desparately to escape. However, Wolverine sliced through all of the ropes and caught him. "Ain't polite ta ignore a guy tryin' ta ask ya something, now is it?" The guys started to cry, so Wolverine punched him.

"Now why'd ya go do that for, Logan! Now we can't ask him anything!" Wolverine just grunted, so Shrek gave up and slipped through the little twirley-gate (I don't remember what it's called).

He looked around, and noticed it was quiet. Too quiet. And so he told everyone.

"Not that quiet." Said Wolverine. I can hear stuff."

"Yeah, just cause you're a little dog-man don't mean you need to go trying t' be better'n everyone else, Mr. My Ears Can Hear Stuff Better'n Yours!"

"I would stop now... Shreky."

"I said NO SHREKY!"

"Boys, break it up. I found something." Jean pointed towards a booth with 'Information' written in pretty little letters across it's side. Scott approached it and pulled the convenient little lever. It ticked away, slowly, but getting faster. Scott prepared to scorch it, as Logan unsheathed his claws.

The doors swung open to show a bunch of little puppets, who began to sing.

"Welcome to Duloc, Such a Perfect town"

Wolverine fell to his knees, stuffed his fingers into his ears, and let loose a blood-curdling wail.

"Here we have some rules, let us lay them down."

Everyone was frozen in shock at the sight of the wooden puppets, and hardly noticed Logan's agony. As everyone else stood in place, dumbstruck, Logan slowly began to crawl towards the infernal machine.

"Don't make waves, stay in line"

Inching forward...

"And we'll get along fine"

Almost there..

"Duloc is the perfect tow-gurgle gasp gurgle..." SLASH CRACK BAM SHA-BLAM KER-SHAW BASH SLASH SLASH BREAK...

Everyone was quickly awaken from their trance, to see Wolverine slashing wildly into a wooden booth, while screaming madly. Cyclops screamed as well, and sent his optic blasts towards the contraption, followed by Rogue pummeling it with her bare hands, and finally Gambit charged, and exploded, the little wooden chips that were left. Storm began to speak after everyone had regained control.

"This never happened. There was no evil torture machine, we did not destroy anything, and it was like this when we found it. Agreed?" Everyone looked at the crater that used to be the information booth, and nodded their agreement. It would help them sleep, without having it interupted by nightmares, if the last 2 minutes were erased from their memory. They began to walk off, but were interupted by a soft clicking noise.

*click... click... click...*

They turned around to see one of the dolls crawling towards them, face charred, jaw hanging loosely.

"That... *cough*... was not... perfect. You... will... pay-"

Cyclops let loose another optic blast, and the doll was gone.

"Um... shall we continue on?" Said Shrek, who had until this point not borne witness to their powers. He was pretty scared. But not Donkey.

"Wow! That was amazing, you guys. Can you teach me how to do that! Please o please o pleeeease!"

"No, Donkey, we were born with it. Like you were born being able to talk." Bobby tried to explain it to Donkey. Donkey, however, wasn't satisfied.

"I got jipped! I wanna shoot things from my eyes! Hey, Scott, can I trade you powers?"

"Shut up." Was Scott's response.

"Now, I'm getting pretty sick of that damn phrase. I will *not* shut up, you hear me! I will keep on talkin', cause...!" Rogue suddenly touched his nose, and Donkey was out cold.

"Thanks, Stripey." Said Shrek.

"It's *Rogue*; got it, fatty?"

"Who you callin' fat, ye little anerexic skunk?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!"

Rogue leapt at him, and began a knock-down, drag-out fight that would make any WWF wrestler proud.

Donkey and Bobby stared on, smiling and cheering. Gambit watched Rogue's butt the whole time, Jean walked around aimlessly with a dumb grin on her face, Beast had started collecting samples from this weird planet to study later, and Scott and Wolverine were busy buying some hot dogs.

Storm had a feeling this was going to be a very long journey home.

**********

Um... I didn't get to Farquaad, did I? Uh... sorry. I will post again soon. This didn't really go in the direction I planned, so I don't know if i like it or not. I may change it if I get some requests to do so. Uh... review, please, and have a great day! Farquaad next chapter, I SWEAR!