Title: I didn't want it to be this way.
Name: Joy
Email: SleepingBeauty2@ziplip.com
Rating: PG
I didn't want it to be this way.
When I shut my eyes I still see her descending the stairs with bloody hands. She let me guide her to a seat. She let me hold her hands. We talked softly. I can't believe she let me hold her hands.
I can't believe she came to me. I can't believe she kept coming to me for comfort. I should have just let it be…not pushed, but it felt like my heart would burst. I made her forget the pain…the sorrow.
Now I lie in my bed and know what it is to have had the slayer, but it wasn't the way I wanted… I didn't want it to be that way… I really didn't want to hurt her… I just wanted her to realize what was between us was something…something real.
I wanted it to be the way it was when I was holding her hands softly. I wanted to be tender. I wanted her to let me worship her and caress her and love her… Why couldn't she have just let me love her?
She fought me so hard that it became…depraved. She said that. She was right. Now I feel hollow and she's waiting for the sky to fall. She is waiting for me to become Angelus. Appealing to her dark side really was fun but it doesn't get me her heart… Her heart is what I want.
This is a catch 22. If I approach her gently again she'll think I'm stocking her. If I give her space then I have abandon her like every other male in her life.
I could be good… I could be what she wants from me. I just need a crumb… a glimmer of hope. I can wait… I have waited…
So I'll patrol, check on Dawn, be helpful when need be, but stay out of Buffy's way. I have to do this. If I don't I'll never know what could have happened. One day she won't see me as a thing…One day she'll see me for what I am, a man in love.
