No, you're NOT hallucinating; Zero's thoughts -- while to him he was only thinking normally -- register with ERTS as telepathic sending. Zero's got all manner of Mysterious Powers (TM), so I figured why not give him one that makes life easier on Erts?
WARNINGS:
Confirmed shounen ai. Bizarre mix of anime/manga/my universes. Lots
of improvisation to make up for what I don't know. Probably somewhat OOC.
Contains MASSIVE amounts of cuteness in the form of Zero's subconscious.
>D It's like an adoring puppydog~! Also, a mild depression warning
towards the end.
SEDIMENTARY PERCUSSION
EPILOGUE: Counterpoint
by Kay Willow
I couldn't make myself feel at ease among the other Pilots. Even aside from my near-phobia of battle, a suspicion lingered in the back of my mind... The suspicion that in spite of their kindness and friendliness, I personally meant nothing to them. No, my subconscious mind whispered to me, it was my similarities to Aniki that they sought me out for.
Rioroute-san was pleasant enough, exuberant and cheerful and almost reminiscent of Zero except that his seeming openness only hid a more thoughtful, less secure layer of his personality. It gave him a mental impression of duplicity and deceit that I couldn't look past. His attempts to include me in their group were afterthoughts at best... and at worst, seemed to be nothing more than a desperate effort to avoid losing an argument, or to get support. I found myself instinctively recoiling from his demands for help, and I feel guilty that I can't help him.
Yu-san didn't project at all. His mind was carefully shielded and restrained, and I am grateful for that. He, at least, does not constantly barrage my empathy with his emotions and thoughts; such people, with naturally self-contained mental energy, are very rare. However, with his control keeping me from knowing those emotions and thoughts, I could only guess his opinion of me. It was hard to look him in the eyes some days. I can't help believing that I've disappointed him somehow by not being Aniki.
Worst of all was Gareas-san. He, who had the most reason to view me as Aniki's replacement, was the one who worked the hardest to accept me as myself, urging the others to do the same and approve me as their new fifth. But rather than put me at ease, his unwavering faith in me only underscored his heartfelt grief at the death of my brother, which had not lessened noticeably since my arrival at GIS.
Those people... they were not my partners. They were Aniki's. It showed in the way they acted to me, the way they spoke to me, and the very way they think.
Teela-san was the only one I didn't feel stifled by. I got no signals from her at all; only a distinct sense of good health and firm resolve. She expected nothing of me but what she would expect of any telepathist. She wanted me to keep NOAH Z-M-R-K in good condition -- no leaving Agui Keimeia's shield range, no engaging the enemy, no throwing myself suicidally at the enemy in order to protect someone else... She wanted me to keep the team in good condition -- monitoring the enemy's intentions, monitoring my teammate's intentions, making sure everyone remains stable and not putting one person above all others no matter how much I wish to...
But her expectations were not shared by the others. Rioroute-san wanted me to be his close friend Ernest, who knew how to make him feel better. Yu-san wanted me to be Ernest, the one person who had tried to get him involved without forcing him. Gareas-san... wanted Ernest to be here instead of me.
I want Aniki to be back, too. I hate fighting.
So, at night, I got into the habit of reaching out my consciousness to GOA, looking over the people I knew there. The people who, more importantly, knew ME. There weren't many that I wanted to check up on -- Rome and the new Candidate she was assigned to; Aracd (who was the kindest to me, of all the Top) and an Instructor or two that I was fond of... And...
Zero was still awake, that night. So I called out to him, testing to see if this strange connection of ours would work over distance...
It was always there, from the first moment that I felt his passion and enthusiasm crashing against my mind. I know him somehow, better than I know any other save myself, even if the knowledge is buried deep and my own consideration won't allow me to tap it. The bond between us showed me that he is healthy and not unhappy, which was almost enough to make me feel better.
But I'm not that strong.
He was thinking of me when I first touched his mind, and his startlement faded into pleasure as he realized that I was there. I couldn't sense his earlier train of thought, which had been disrupted by my query, but his new thread subconsciously circled around in a happy chant of *itISerts!itISerts!itISerts!*
The subconscious mind is a delightful thing. ~Yes,~> I sent to him, feeling wistful. ~Most of the time.~> But only because there were a few people left who wouldn't prefer me to be Aniki. ~Why aren't you asleep, Zero? It's late.~>
~I'm not tired, I didn't do enough today,~> he returned with startling strength. Most non-telepathists send their thoughts very weakly, but Zero's came through with unexpected clarity, almost as if his own EX were boosting it. ~And our new matches for Pro-Ing practice are nothing less than terrible.~>
Then he projected, again with stunning power behind the sending, and allowed me to see the practice. Every now and then his subconscious mind would interject *wasn'theajerk?hewasajerk* -- and I would soothe on a similarly subconscious level, ~yeshereallywas~ -- or *thatyamagiheneverletsmehaveanyfun* -- at which point I tried to remind it, ~wellyouwouldgetintrouble~ -- or *watchwhatidohereithinkthiswasprettycool*. And I had to agree, laughing helplessly as Zero took complete control of his Pro-Ing to wind his way around behind his confused partner and disrupt the unit's power flow, with his mind cheering, *gethim!gethim!*
Contact with Zero was very different than any other contact I've had. He didn't hide anything from me, which would've resulted in an unpleasant shaded sensation to what passed between us; there was a layer to him that I couldn't read, but he never acted unnaturally and always let his thoughts flow. With Zero it was all beautifully simple.
Zero was commenting on his coup-de-grace, ~I had to do something to deflate the little jackass, and if I went and beat the crap out of my own pair's Pro-Ing, Azuma would freeze my rank for the next three years.~>
Resolving to focus more on what Zero was saying, I narrowed my field of attention down onto his situation -- receiving in return the bizarre subconscious comment *telepathichumming!that'scute!* which may or may not have meant that he could FEEL my concentration, something which has never been heard of before. ~And then what happened?~>
He brushed it aside, asking instead, ~How was YOUR day?~>
That caught me by surprise. Somehow I couldn't imagine anyone being interested in my life. No one but Aniki ever had been before. ~Mine...?~>
~Yes, yours. You're a Pilot now, remember?~> And he prompted me with his memories of the day I was promoted; I saw myself walk up the honor aisle, looking pale and small and withdrawn, and from Zero I could only get a vague sensation of determination. There was no telltale subconscious commentary this time to let me know his thoughts. I was glad. ~How was a day in the life of a Pilot?~>
~Busy,~> I told him truthfully, and let him see my weariness briefly. But only the weariness, and only briefly; he was kind to concern himself with my well-being, and I couldn't repay that by forcing him to suffer my trials along with me. So I told him the barest truth, avoiding the doubled feel of telepathic lying by not saying anything specific enough to need to be lied about: ~Not much different from a Candidate's, except for the Victim attacks. We spent most of today doing group exercises and rhythm practice. I think they're still getting used to me being here instead of Aniki.~>
Rhythm practice was always difficult among people you weren't in sync with. It was even harder when they were expecting you to fit into someone else's rhythm.
And they're not wrong in expecting that. Aniki should've been the one to be here.
For a long moment, I thought Zero had somehow picked up on that part and was going to demand an explanation, but he let it slide, proceeding on to the next topic. ~How about your new Repairer? What's she like?~>
~I'm honestly not sure. Tune-san is more shy than anyone I've ever known; she's very hesitant to speak to me.~> More than that; she appeared actively afraid to do so, as though interacting with her new partner would make her old partner more dead. ~As a matter of fact, I rarely see her speak to anyone besides the other Repairers outside an emergency situation.~> She spent all her time with the other Repairers; chatting with Leena-san or listening to Phil-san or giggling over something with Kazuhi-san. I reminded her too much of Aniki for her to be comfortable with me.
Again, Zero appeared to hear my private thought, and this time I caught a distinct subconscious drift of *don'taskhimlethimhavesomeprivacyjusttrusthimREIwouldn'thaveaskedhim*.
I've heard him do that before, refer without even noticing to some person called Rei. Each time, my heart contracted almost painfully. Not even a telepathist is immune to jealousy and longing, and empathy is not my specialty; I am as vulnerable to my emotions as any man -- if not more so.
I endeavored to quell the feeling as I always do, but for some reason found that this time I didn't have the strength. I was sick and tired of fighting it. I blurted, ~If you don't mind my asking-- If it isn't too personal...~>
Before I could actually ask, however, Zero inserted, ~Hey, Senpai, didn't I already tell you I've got nothing to hide from you? You can ask me whatever you like. I might not ANSWER, but I probably will, and I promise not to hate you no matter WHAT you ask.~>
There was slight irritation in his tone, but not at me -- more at himself, for not conveying to me his trust. His mind echoed emphatically *iwouldn'tgetangrynotatYOUyoucanaskanything*.
Zero could never know how amazing a person he was. I smiled against my will, feeling how naturally he accepted and trusted me. Then his subconscious mind responded to my happiness and buzzed enthusiastically *whatquestion?* and I remembered the delicate area I was about to enter, and my pleasure faded. ~Then... who is Rei?~>
His whole mind shuttered closed against me all at once; a brief spasm of his consciousness that chased me away from him, and I knew immediately that I had been right to keep it to myself. But before I could withdraw completely and nurse my foolishness in private, the shields relaxed again, and his curiosity, untainted by anger or unhappiness, pulled me back again, helpless as a moth to a flame. I needed that reassurance.
~It's something that drifts under the surface of your thoughts every now and then... A half-formed connection, something like, "Rei would've thought" or "Rei would've done"... I'm sorry. It's none of my business.~> Babbled like a fool. It seems when I look back that I was TRYING to drive him away.
But Zero made his own choices, and no amount of bumbling on my part was going to sway him. ~You stop that right now. Friends are allowed to ask personal questions. Besides, it's nothing embarrassing. I just didn't think you'd know about that. See, I'M Rei.~>
Not a lover. Not an important friend. Not abandoned family. Just... ~You...?~>
~It's the name my father gave me,~> Zero continued, sounding almost pleased at my astonishment. ~I don't remember him, but that's what Kaasan always told me. But, see, our colony was trying to switch us from a variant on old Japanese to Interplanetary Standard... So since "Rei" in old Japanese is "Zero" in Interplanetary Standard...~>
With a sudden click, it all fell into place so obviously. ~I know that, actually... I know pieces of old Japanese...~> Zero's "Kaasan", Kazuhi-san's "Oniisama", my own "Aniki"... ~We still use the family terms...~> ...Gareas-san, Azuma-kyokan, Clay-kun... ~...and all the suffixes...~>
I felt Zero's amusement, the reflexive condescension of a native speaker finding 'proof' that his language is 'superior' to others, somewhat tempered by a palpable affection. Suddenly awkward in my tangential wandering, I returned to the issue I'd brought up. ~I never made the connection. How strange. So they started calling you Zero instead of Rei...~>
~I guess I consider Rei to be a different person...~>
His memories washed across my consciousness in gentle and unthreatening waves, not like the rushed and wild frenzy I get from others. I saw him as a child clinging to his mother, saw him playing with his friends, saw him taking time for himself to just think. He laughed and struggled and learned and questioned, and I could've watched that child forever.
But he had gone on while I dwelled within his past, downplaying his younger self. His psyche told me firmly *i'mnotweaklikethati'mstrongnow*
~you'rethestrongestpersoniknow~ I reassured him subliminally. On a more intelligible level I asked hesitantly, ~But... the name still means a lot to you, doesn't it...?~>
~It's something that's mine,~> he answered, confident, almost viciously protective. ~I don't have a lot of things that belong to me these days; most of my stuff is GOA standard-issue. So the name is important.~>
When I came here, I was given my brother's uniform, my brother's Ingrid, and I even had my brother's Repairer. I was among my brother's friends and companions. I had my brother's job, my brother's EX, my brother's rhythm. There was no one for me; all of GIS knew me as Ernest Cuore's brother... Ernest Cuore's replacement.
The only thing that I had -- something for ME, Erts Virny Cocteau -- was this contact.
~I think... I think I understand.~>
Zero was quiet for a moment, his subconscious mind similarly muted as it murmured something I couldn't quite make out about being special. We know each other better than I'd ever thought possible. He responded only, ~I think you do, too.~>
After another long moment, Zero's mind drifted back into the consideration of sleep. It had been a long day, and I was ready to nod off myself, so I prodded him pointedly, ~I'm rather tired, too, while you're on the topic.~>
Immediately, his attention returned to me, with a very distinct emotion that even I could recognize as fond concern, and sent with easy good cheer, ~Well, don't let me keep you up, Pilot-san! You need your rest to save the rest of us from Victim!~>
He always teased, even when he made a sacrifice for the sake of another. ~I'm not going to abandon you to a sleepless night, either. I can help you sleep, if you'll let me. It's a trick I learned from my brother, a telepathy thing...~>
His wariness would probably surprise his instructors and friends, who view him as a rebel and a mischief-maker, but I was expecting his dubious, ~I thought telepathists weren't ALLOWED...~>
Trouble came naturally to Zero, and when provoked he would charge headlong into it, but he rarely deliberately broke the rules. I smiled. ~So you read the Student Handbook after all.~> Then, having started it, I listened patiently to his complaints about how difficult it was to read Standard, and interjected as soon as it was prudent, ~Well. A different set of rules apply to the Pilots. As long as I'm acting in the best interests of GOA, I'm given complete discretion.~>
~Okay then. Go right ahead. I think it's in GOA's best interests to have all their Candidates well-rested and in top form, don't you?~> he joked. Always trying to put me at ease...
I reached out and placed mental "hands" against his mind gently. ~Especially because it's you. Because you're going to be a Pilot someday soon...~> I couldn't help smiling, carried away by the moment. ~Isn't that right...?~>
A surge of something I didn't recognize raced across his mind under my mental touch, then settled again as he thought, ~Definitely. I promised you.~>
Aniki had been awkward at this; it's really more telepathy than empathy, focusing on manipulation of mental patterns with no relation to feelings, and he's never been very good with telepathy. I borrowed the technique and perfected it, making it less disconcerting, more fluid, and not as unnatural. But I've never had the chance to use it on someone before; I've never wanted to before.
I reached out with my "hands" and smoothed them across the surface of his thoughts, evening out his brainwaves and coaxing him into relaxing. Almost immediately, drowsiness overcame him, but he struggled against it, fighting to add, ~Oyasumi nasai...~>
*meansgoodnight* his psyche informed me automatically, in no language but that of telepathy.
Feeling absurdly touched, and wistful, and wanting nothing more than to see him, I sent quietly, ~Oyasumi nasai...~>
Could I? Did I dare?
I had to. I had to know. I'm not as strong as you, Aniki; I can't be content just knowing that he's happy. I need something more than that. I need to know if I'm as important to him as he is to me.
~...Rei...~>
My answer was the briefest of flutters, and then a slow, unclear whim that carried across his thought: I'll keep my promise... not gonna let you be alone... I'll protect you... Erts...>
I drew my consciousness back slowly after making sure he was asleep, torn apart by joy and hope and confusion and doubt. It was only because he hadn't been conscious of what was going on, part of me insisted; how could I trust a subliminal reaction, how could I be sure I hadn't projected it, or that he had even heard that I'd taken his private name? And another part of me clung to his last thoughts, that our promise had been so important to him, that he wanted to protect ME, the thought even personalized so I couldn't trick myself into believing that he'd thought I was his mother...
Stop thinking so loud.>
I paused and assessed my surroundings. I was on GIS once more, and everyone was asleep except for the nightshift... but Gareas-san was awake, and it had been his thought that I'd received.
~I'm sorry,~> I returned, focusing in on him. ~I didn't mean to broadcast.~>
You were 'broadcasting' loud enough that I'm surprised Rio didn't wake up, and he sleeps like a log,> Gareas-san commented sourly, something out of sorts in his life-force. You were so busy chatting that you never even noticed that you'd been flinging your emotions left and right.>
~I'm sorry,~> I repeated.
He relented almost audibly, his entire aura softening briefly. You and that kid...> *thebratwhogotintoMYeevaleena,theonethatfuckedupmywholelife* ...you're close?>
I wanted to tell him that it wasn't Zero's fault and he knew perfectly well that it wasn't, but it would hurt him too much to hear the words. Just speaking to me like this had to be a strain on him, and he wasn't even doing any of the work to make this connection -- his EX was so weak, flickering in and out like a dying candle, that I was amazed he could hear me at all.
~Yes.~> I concentrated harder, strengthening the contact and boosting his EX as best I could with my own. Some of the strain eased from his mind, and I continued, ~Zero was my closest friend at GOA.~>
Like me and Ernest.> His mental tone was neutral, and I couldn't identify his emotions. The human heart is beyond my comprehension.
~I suppose.~>
And are you in love with him?> *likeernestwaswithmethedamnfool*
I could've hedged or avoided the issue, or even lied to him and he probably never would've been able to make out the duplicity, not with his EX faded as it was. But telepathists are trained to know their own minds, and I've known from the very beginning that I would love Zero. The more he pushed, the more certain I became. Why lie to Gareas-san?
~Yes,~> I told him simply. ~I am.~>
Why?>
Because he was everything I needed and everything I wanted, because he was something amazing and special that I had somehow been able to touch, because he was Zero. But a person like Gareas-san couldn't accept abstract rationales like those, so I gave him the most solid of my reasons: ~Because he was the only one who was never afraid of me. Because he tried so hard to make me his friend even though I resisted. That's why.~>
You are... just like Ernest.>
That's right. Even my heart is not my own; it was my brother's romance first.
I want you to promise me something.>
~Gareas-san, I can't make--~>
I want you to promise me that you won't make the same stupid mistake your brother made.> Whether or not he sensed my startlement, the older Pilot went on passionately, I want you to promise me that eventually you'll SAY something or DO something and not just tell yourself that if he feels the same he'll let you know. I can tell you from personal experience that a guy like that brat won't think about what he has until it's much too late to start anything.>
My brother had loved this man with all his heart and soul, sacrificed himself so that Gareas-san might live. If he'd taken action instead... then maybe...
The human heart is beyond my comprehension, but I know my own mind. I'm not as strong as my brother, and I can't be content knowing that the one important to me is happy... but maybe, in my weakness, I can find something better than contentment. It was almost freeing to answer Gareas-san's plea with, ~I promise you that.~>
Thanks.> The connection frayed a bit. That's all I needed to hear.>
~Gareas-san... You have insomnia, don't you?~> His mental patterns were all wrong. It looked fairly serious. ~If you'll allow me to, I can--~>
No,> he cut me off. I'll just use the time to think. That... that's something Ernest did for me. It wouldn't be right to have you do it. You... I'm not the person you should do that for.>
I left him then and returned to myself, and sighed. It wasn't fair; none of it was. I didn't know how to make it better -- didn't know if it was possible to make it better. It was much too late to fix things for my brother and the man he'd loved.
But... Aniki wouldn't want me to suffer on his behalf. Aniki -- and Gareas-san -- would want me to find the happiness they couldn't.
~Aniki, I will. I promise you I will.~>
And I let myself go, falling into dreams of the past, and of Zero, and of the future.
You'd THINK this would be the end, but it's not.
All people and places involved in Megami Kouhosei are Sugisaki Yukiru-sama's, although maybe I can claim Zero's subconscious is mine. >D
--Kay Willow
AIM: Savinsilk
Email: kay_willow@hotmail.com
Quote: Hiead from Myth15, and Erin-neesama's comment thereon --
Hiead: "(I wasn't cutting off your retreat!
If you'd WANTED to
escape, you could have! You just wanted that
05 to see you [acting
brave]!)"
"Good grief, it's like elementary school. 'You
COULD'VE just
given me your lunch money, but NOOOOO, you
had to be all tough
guy because your CRUSH~ was watching!'"
