Chibi Rapfest Trailer-Trash Trigun Theatre
by Myok
In which everyone is happily and thoroughly convinced that there will be NO SEQUELS! Spoilers for the whole series, as usual, and a cheap shot at the end.
Chapter Seven: Pop a Cap in the Moon, Baby!
Night, with a bright full moon and scattered clouds. The boys (Wolfwood and Vash) are hanging out next to a trash barrel behind Vash's trailer. A large heap of beer cans looms nearby. A closer inspection reveals that each one has a bullet hole right between the eyes of "Huck", the Gunsmoke Beer Bear. Wolfwood's cross is propped up behind a large cooler.
Wolfwood: You were drunk.
Vash: I was not.
Wolfwood: You were so.
Vash: No, I was being mind-controlled.
Wolfwood: Hardly likely. We all know how well you hold your booze. You ran off feeling sorry for yourself, got drunk, and in your addled stupor you decided it would be cool to blow a humongous crater in the moon.
Vash: It wasn't like that at all.
Wolfwood: {takes a swig of beer} How was it then?
Vash: I... don't remember.
Wolfwood: A-ha! Proof enough!
Vash: That's not fair.
Wolfwood: Whatever. Pull! {He lobs his empty beer can up in the air. Vash ignores it. The can lands in the pile with a loud clatter.} Hrmph.
Vash: It's getting cold out.
Wolfwood: Have a beer, it'll make you feel warmer.
The wind blows. We hear the sound of hubcaps clanking as they swing on wires.
Vash: I know they were cheaper than getting wind chimes, but don't you think that looks a little tacky?
Wolfwood: Nah.
The silhouette of an owl crosses the moon. Meryl pokes her head out of the window.
Meryl: The radio is forecasting "imminent doom", guys. Are you two up to something?
Vash: Not us.
Wolfwood: Sorry.
Meryl: Just checking.
She closes the window. The thump of the windowsill echoes back and forth between the hills. It fades out, but is replaced with a faint rumbling.
Wolfwood: You eat today, Vash?
Vash: No, you threw my doughnut away you crummy bastard.
Wolfwood: {grinning} Oh yeah, that's right, sorry about that.
The rumbling is getting closer. The occasional "bang" and "clank" accompany it.
Wolfwood: Were we expecting company tonight?
Vash: No. Who could it be?
They look at the approaching light. Coming into view through the dim haze is a hulking white pick-up truck.
Vash: I sense... peace. Peace and love.
Wolfwood: Driving THAT?
The pick-up accelerates, pulls a boot-legger reverse scattering beer cans everywhere, and skids to a stop. On the side of the truck is written in sloppy black paint "I LOVE EVERYONE!" The driver's side door opens. Two metallic white boots step down onto the gravel. Blond straight hair rustles in the breeze.
Knives: Hi, guys! I'm back!
Vash and Wolfwood sweatdrop heavily.
Knives: Whoo, it's been a while hasn't it. Vash, bro, it's great to see you! I have to hand it to you, that Anger Management class you sent me to did a power of good! I feel like I could just reach out and hug the whole world!
Vash: That's great...
Knives: Wolfwood, how's it hanging? Sorry about that whole Chapel incident. I'm a new man now. What say we go find some orphans and start a school?
Wolfwood: Um...
Knives: Say, weren't you dead?
Vash: You know, Wolfwood, I was meaning to ask you about that.
Wolfwood: I can explain.
Knives: Please do!
Wolfwood: You know in the story Peter Pan, where Tinkerbell saves Peter's life by drinking the poison potion and is about to die, but all the kids of the world get together and clap their hands and say "I believe in fairies" and she gets better? Well there I was in the cathedral bleeding all over the aisle, making my peace with God. Then I heard it. Hundreds, no, thousands of voices were calling out, "Don't die Wolfwood, don't die, you're too cool a character to die, Milly needs you, the world needs you!" So I got better.
Mysterious Voice: SO DID WE!
Knives, Wolfwood, Vash: WHAT?!
A burst of meterologically improbable but dramatically necessary lightning reveals, standing atop the trailers, a line of twelve, count 'em, twelve sinister figures!
Voice: Monev the Gale!
Monev is dressed in orange Judo robes and has huge spikey black hair.
Voice: Dominique the Cyclops!
Dominique is wearing stilts and has her Demon's Eye in the middle of her forehead.
Voice: Zazie the Beast!
Zazie is in short white karate robes. He is completely bald.
Voice: Midvalley the Horn Freak!
Midvalley is wearing white martial arts robes, a turbin, and large green pointy ears.
Voice: Caine the Long Shot!
Caine is holding a 40-foot long fishing rod with a sign on the hook. The sign says, "Bang!"
Voice: E.G. Mine!
E.G. Mine stands tall and proud behind a snow-plow blade.
Voice: Raidei the Blade!
Raidei is wielding a fiercesome sword which says "Nerf" on the side.
Voice: Hoppered the Gauntlet!
Hoppered looks as sinister as a four-seat merry-go-round can look.
Voice: Grey the Nine Lives!
A small grey mechanical kitten perks its ears up.
Grey: Miu?
Voice: Chapel the Evergreen!
Chapel makes the Sign of the Cross.
Chapel: Peace be with you!
Voice: Leonov the Puppetmaster!
The Puppetmaster is holding Punch and Judy puppets.
Puppetmaster: Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into, Judy!
Voice: And finally, myself, Legato Bluesummers. {steps forward into the light}
Legato: As you can see, Vash, we're all fine.
Vash: {slumps} But... how... you were all dead...
Legato: That's correct, and we didn't enjoy it, not at all. There were no little kids clapping their hands and chanting "bring back Legato!" But do you know what? Even the meanest, nastiest, most loathsome characters can come back to life if THEY DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS OTHER CHARACTERS! Once we figured that out, it was easy to convince those fools to wish us back using their... um... magic ball devices.
Monev: That's right, and now you cannot defeat us for we are more powerful than you!
Legato: Shut up, Monev. Unfortunately, there were some side-effects to the resurrection process. I understand it has something to do with ratings. Nevertheless we shall now crush you and destroy this world!
Milly and Meryl open the door.
Meryl: Guys could you keep it down out here... AAAUUUUGHHHH! {Milly and Meryl chibify, arms and legs flailing}
Milly: It's THEM!
Meryl: Vash, do something!
Wolfwood: {grabs his cross} It's hopeless...
Vash: No, there's something I can do. Will you help me brother?
Knives: Aw hell, Vash, you know I'm out of practice.
Wolfwood: Duck and cover!
Meryl, Milly and Wolfwood dive into a storm shelter. Knives and Vash draw their guns. The Gung-ho Guns aim their various objects at the pair.
Legato: You won't do this.
Vash: I will.
Legato: You won't.
Knives: We will.
Vash: You can't make me not do it.
Legato: I can too.
Dominique: He will so.
Grey: Miu?
Vash and Knives: It's time to end the evil forever!
Vash and Knives join hands, their guns transform as their Angel Arms sprout, the power grows, blinding light shines forth, the hum of great power grows louder and louder!
Monev: But, but, how can this be? Their power is more powerful than our power!
Legato: SHUT UP, MONEV! {whips out a pocket watch on a chain, swings it in front of Vash's face} You are getting sleepy, very sleepy...
Knives: Do you know what time it is, Legato?
Legato: Let me check. {he looks at his watch}
Knives: It's time to DIE!
The blast of energy bursts up and out, incinerating everything. Buildings collapse, the water tower explodes in a burst of super-heated steam. A huge fireball expands outwards, roasting the air, filling the valley completely. Silence. The sound of running water. The clattering of a hubcap as it spins to a halt.
Gung-ho Guns: {wearing halos} Dammit, not again. MAKE-UP!
The lid of the storm shelter opens. Wolfwood climbs out first, cross held ready. Meryl and Milly follow.
Wolfwood: Well look at that.
Knives and Vash lie unconscious in the epicenter of the huge smoking crater. They are still holding hands.
Milly: What will we do now? Hilltop has been completely destroyed!
Meryl: Whatever we do, it won't be here.
Wolfwood: I kind of like the idea of taking care of orphans again.
Milly: Me too. Shall we?
Wolfwood: I guess we shall.
Wolfwood lifts up Knives, Meryl hauls Vash up onto her shoulders, and together with Milly they walk off into the night.
THE END.
by Myok
In which everyone is happily and thoroughly convinced that there will be NO SEQUELS! Spoilers for the whole series, as usual, and a cheap shot at the end.
Chapter Seven: Pop a Cap in the Moon, Baby!
Night, with a bright full moon and scattered clouds. The boys (Wolfwood and Vash) are hanging out next to a trash barrel behind Vash's trailer. A large heap of beer cans looms nearby. A closer inspection reveals that each one has a bullet hole right between the eyes of "Huck", the Gunsmoke Beer Bear. Wolfwood's cross is propped up behind a large cooler.
Wolfwood: You were drunk.
Vash: I was not.
Wolfwood: You were so.
Vash: No, I was being mind-controlled.
Wolfwood: Hardly likely. We all know how well you hold your booze. You ran off feeling sorry for yourself, got drunk, and in your addled stupor you decided it would be cool to blow a humongous crater in the moon.
Vash: It wasn't like that at all.
Wolfwood: {takes a swig of beer} How was it then?
Vash: I... don't remember.
Wolfwood: A-ha! Proof enough!
Vash: That's not fair.
Wolfwood: Whatever. Pull! {He lobs his empty beer can up in the air. Vash ignores it. The can lands in the pile with a loud clatter.} Hrmph.
Vash: It's getting cold out.
Wolfwood: Have a beer, it'll make you feel warmer.
The wind blows. We hear the sound of hubcaps clanking as they swing on wires.
Vash: I know they were cheaper than getting wind chimes, but don't you think that looks a little tacky?
Wolfwood: Nah.
The silhouette of an owl crosses the moon. Meryl pokes her head out of the window.
Meryl: The radio is forecasting "imminent doom", guys. Are you two up to something?
Vash: Not us.
Wolfwood: Sorry.
Meryl: Just checking.
She closes the window. The thump of the windowsill echoes back and forth between the hills. It fades out, but is replaced with a faint rumbling.
Wolfwood: You eat today, Vash?
Vash: No, you threw my doughnut away you crummy bastard.
Wolfwood: {grinning} Oh yeah, that's right, sorry about that.
The rumbling is getting closer. The occasional "bang" and "clank" accompany it.
Wolfwood: Were we expecting company tonight?
Vash: No. Who could it be?
They look at the approaching light. Coming into view through the dim haze is a hulking white pick-up truck.
Vash: I sense... peace. Peace and love.
Wolfwood: Driving THAT?
The pick-up accelerates, pulls a boot-legger reverse scattering beer cans everywhere, and skids to a stop. On the side of the truck is written in sloppy black paint "I LOVE EVERYONE!" The driver's side door opens. Two metallic white boots step down onto the gravel. Blond straight hair rustles in the breeze.
Knives: Hi, guys! I'm back!
Vash and Wolfwood sweatdrop heavily.
Knives: Whoo, it's been a while hasn't it. Vash, bro, it's great to see you! I have to hand it to you, that Anger Management class you sent me to did a power of good! I feel like I could just reach out and hug the whole world!
Vash: That's great...
Knives: Wolfwood, how's it hanging? Sorry about that whole Chapel incident. I'm a new man now. What say we go find some orphans and start a school?
Wolfwood: Um...
Knives: Say, weren't you dead?
Vash: You know, Wolfwood, I was meaning to ask you about that.
Wolfwood: I can explain.
Knives: Please do!
Wolfwood: You know in the story Peter Pan, where Tinkerbell saves Peter's life by drinking the poison potion and is about to die, but all the kids of the world get together and clap their hands and say "I believe in fairies" and she gets better? Well there I was in the cathedral bleeding all over the aisle, making my peace with God. Then I heard it. Hundreds, no, thousands of voices were calling out, "Don't die Wolfwood, don't die, you're too cool a character to die, Milly needs you, the world needs you!" So I got better.
Mysterious Voice: SO DID WE!
Knives, Wolfwood, Vash: WHAT?!
A burst of meterologically improbable but dramatically necessary lightning reveals, standing atop the trailers, a line of twelve, count 'em, twelve sinister figures!
Voice: Monev the Gale!
Monev is dressed in orange Judo robes and has huge spikey black hair.
Voice: Dominique the Cyclops!
Dominique is wearing stilts and has her Demon's Eye in the middle of her forehead.
Voice: Zazie the Beast!
Zazie is in short white karate robes. He is completely bald.
Voice: Midvalley the Horn Freak!
Midvalley is wearing white martial arts robes, a turbin, and large green pointy ears.
Voice: Caine the Long Shot!
Caine is holding a 40-foot long fishing rod with a sign on the hook. The sign says, "Bang!"
Voice: E.G. Mine!
E.G. Mine stands tall and proud behind a snow-plow blade.
Voice: Raidei the Blade!
Raidei is wielding a fiercesome sword which says "Nerf" on the side.
Voice: Hoppered the Gauntlet!
Hoppered looks as sinister as a four-seat merry-go-round can look.
Voice: Grey the Nine Lives!
A small grey mechanical kitten perks its ears up.
Grey: Miu?
Voice: Chapel the Evergreen!
Chapel makes the Sign of the Cross.
Chapel: Peace be with you!
Voice: Leonov the Puppetmaster!
The Puppetmaster is holding Punch and Judy puppets.
Puppetmaster: Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into, Judy!
Voice: And finally, myself, Legato Bluesummers. {steps forward into the light}
Legato: As you can see, Vash, we're all fine.
Vash: {slumps} But... how... you were all dead...
Legato: That's correct, and we didn't enjoy it, not at all. There were no little kids clapping their hands and chanting "bring back Legato!" But do you know what? Even the meanest, nastiest, most loathsome characters can come back to life if THEY DISGUISE THEMSELVES AS OTHER CHARACTERS! Once we figured that out, it was easy to convince those fools to wish us back using their... um... magic ball devices.
Monev: That's right, and now you cannot defeat us for we are more powerful than you!
Legato: Shut up, Monev. Unfortunately, there were some side-effects to the resurrection process. I understand it has something to do with ratings. Nevertheless we shall now crush you and destroy this world!
Milly and Meryl open the door.
Meryl: Guys could you keep it down out here... AAAUUUUGHHHH! {Milly and Meryl chibify, arms and legs flailing}
Milly: It's THEM!
Meryl: Vash, do something!
Wolfwood: {grabs his cross} It's hopeless...
Vash: No, there's something I can do. Will you help me brother?
Knives: Aw hell, Vash, you know I'm out of practice.
Wolfwood: Duck and cover!
Meryl, Milly and Wolfwood dive into a storm shelter. Knives and Vash draw their guns. The Gung-ho Guns aim their various objects at the pair.
Legato: You won't do this.
Vash: I will.
Legato: You won't.
Knives: We will.
Vash: You can't make me not do it.
Legato: I can too.
Dominique: He will so.
Grey: Miu?
Vash and Knives: It's time to end the evil forever!
Vash and Knives join hands, their guns transform as their Angel Arms sprout, the power grows, blinding light shines forth, the hum of great power grows louder and louder!
Monev: But, but, how can this be? Their power is more powerful than our power!
Legato: SHUT UP, MONEV! {whips out a pocket watch on a chain, swings it in front of Vash's face} You are getting sleepy, very sleepy...
Knives: Do you know what time it is, Legato?
Legato: Let me check. {he looks at his watch}
Knives: It's time to DIE!
The blast of energy bursts up and out, incinerating everything. Buildings collapse, the water tower explodes in a burst of super-heated steam. A huge fireball expands outwards, roasting the air, filling the valley completely. Silence. The sound of running water. The clattering of a hubcap as it spins to a halt.
Gung-ho Guns: {wearing halos} Dammit, not again. MAKE-UP!
The lid of the storm shelter opens. Wolfwood climbs out first, cross held ready. Meryl and Milly follow.
Wolfwood: Well look at that.
Knives and Vash lie unconscious in the epicenter of the huge smoking crater. They are still holding hands.
Milly: What will we do now? Hilltop has been completely destroyed!
Meryl: Whatever we do, it won't be here.
Wolfwood: I kind of like the idea of taking care of orphans again.
Milly: Me too. Shall we?
Wolfwood: I guess we shall.
Wolfwood lifts up Knives, Meryl hauls Vash up onto her shoulders, and together with Milly they walk off into the night.
THE END.
