Part four


***

/.../
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away
/.../

The Sundays, 'Wild Horses', lyrics and music by M. Jagger and K. Richards

***
Boston, General Hospital
The day after, room # 132

Sam awoke slowly in the room, still in the same chair beside John's bed. She blinked a few times then focused on his form, listening to the steady rhythm of his breath. It seemed to have the ability to bring some peace to her mind. He seemed so vulnerable. She gently took his hand in hers and thanked God he was still alive. Alive. She wanted so much to see his eyes, to hear his voice. To be sure everything would be alright. She wanted even more to talk to him. After all they had been through, all he had done for her, she believed he deserved to know the truth.

Nervously his head moved and his hand squeezed hers. Still holding his hand, she stroked gently his hair with the other and called him softly.

"John? I'm here. Open your eyes."

His eyelids fluttered and he turned slightly his head toward her. Slowly he opened his eyes. At the sight of the deep blue of his eyes Sam couldn't hold back a smile, of happiness, of relief. Their gaze locked, he whispered:

"Tell me ..."

"What?" she asked, leaning closer.

"If you're not an angel, then you have a special contract with Him, uh?"

That brought an even larger smile on her lips and she let escape a little laughter. God, how much he had missed that laugh and that smile … and that face. He had missed his angel.

"No, I don't have a special contract with him. I have one with you." She whispered back.

"That's nice too." He answered with a hint of a smile.

They intensely stared at each other for a moment.

"How are you Sam?" He asked, gently squeezing her hand, still in his.

She tilted her head in surprise. Sometimes he had the same ability as she had to read people's mind.

"I'm fine John. That is you I should ask to."

He smiled. "I'm alright Sam. Don't worry." He was rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb while speaking. "A chance he was not a marksman. It will heal soon. I'll be out of here tomorrow anyway."

"I've already figured that." She said.

An awkward silence fell between them. She took her hand out of his. Her heartbeat fastened. She had to ask. She needed to.

"But where will you be?" He looked at her in wonder. "Out of here, but where?"

His worry increased. He was afraid to understand but he also had to be careful. "What do you mean Sam?"

She breathed in slowly, deeply before explaining. "Will you be back at the VCTF, will you be back with us ... or will you stay here ... in Boston?" She added hesitantly. She could hear her own voice shaking.

He closed his eyes to avoid her questioning look. "Sam, you know I can't."

"Yes you can John. Of course you can ... if you decide to do so." Sam felt tears welling up again. "John I ..."

He cut her. "No, Sam. No." He sighed then winced from the pain. "Sam. There's something I have to tell you. It's not easy so I would like you to let me go through this. I told you why I came here. There's another reason you don't know about." He paused. "This reason is you."

Sam stared at him, stunned. He was looking at the ceiling, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold her gaze while explaining what he was about to get out of his heart.

"I fell in love with you the second I saw you. I didn't understand who you were, why you were here but I did know you already were in my heart. I felt your strength and your pain and your efforts to hide it. I decided that day I would do anything for you if it could make your life at least a little easier, knowing I would never be able to bring happiness into your life."

Sam looked away at the memory of the first day they met. John still couldn't look at her.

"I wanted more than anything else to protect you, I would have given my life for you. The thing is I still would. Through all those days I watched you suffer without being able to stop it. It hurt me twice as much as it hurt you because ... if it hurts to see you every day because I love you like I never did, it hurts even more to see you suffer. And when Coop entered your life, he also entered mine and suddenly everything shattered again. He was there for you, to do what I promised myself to do. Of course it hurt me like hell to see you together every minute of every day of every week. It still hurts. The most difficult was when I realized you didn't need me anymore. I even realized maybe you never needed me, that I was fooling myself. This is how I got here. I thought it would make it easier, less painful to stay away from you and to help healing old wounds."

Sam remained silent a few seconds. A deafening silence. She finally spoke.

"Coop is gone." John closed his eyes. "He left because I was coming here to see you. I ... I miss you John. I need you." She seemed to slightly hesitate then she added, " How do you think you will protect me if you stay in Boston?"

"You don't understand. Sam ..."

"Understand what?" She cut him.

"That I do protect you by staying here, by keeping you away from me. See what happened, I can't protect you while you're here as I couldn't protect my mother from him. You have enough things to handle, coming back would mean add another threat. And that, I can't do it. I will never forgive me for what happened these last two days. As I will never forgive me if anything happens to you because of me. It already hurts to see you suffer, I couldn't stand to see you suffer or risk your life knowing it is because of me. Not if I can do something against it. And I can. By staying away from you."

"So you would give your life to save mine, but I can't return the favor? You don't want my opinion on that? You decided for me, you're the man, you're strong, and I only am a woman. You decide. You said you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but you exactly did. I thought I was wrong, I thought you were different."

John couldn't believe what he heard. She couldn't see his fist, his knuckles were turning white so much he tried to hide his pain. He had to say something, he had to make her understand.

"Sam ..."

"No John. You said what you had to say now let me do the same. I ... I love you John. I came here full of doubts and I wanted answers. I finally acknowledged my love. And all you find to tell me is that we can't be together? That you don't want me to take that risk? What if I'm willing to?"

"I wouldn't let you do it." He answered blankly.

Sam burst. "My God, John, how egoistic are you? And how do you think you'll do to prevent me from loving you?"

The more she was shouting, the more the wound inside his heart was deepening. He tried as much as he could to hide his emotions.

"I know I can't. But I do know I can protect you from the consequences. Don't underestimate me Sam."

Sam threw her hands up in exasperation and headed toward the window. She was still staring outside when Bailey entered the room.

"Hey, John. Happy to have you back." Sam snorted at his words and it earned her a strange look from him. John was still expressionless.

Bailey turned to Sam, still looking at her strangely then spoke.

"There has been another murder in Atlanta, we have to go back as soon as possible. We leave in two hours."

"I call Angel and Chloe." Then she left the room without another word nor a look.

Bailey watched her leave. 'Something's wrong' he thought. He turned toward John when he heard him speak.

"Bailey, thank you. There's a great chance we wouldn't have this conversation now without you guys coming. And thank George too."

"I will. I take it you don't intend to come back to Atlanta with us?"

"I can't Bailey. Not anymore now anyway. Particularly after what happened."

"You know Coop is gone." John simply nodded. "New assignment in Colombia."

"I didn't know he was gone to Colombia but Sam did tell me he left."

Bailey tried to read John's mind but in vain. Something was obviously bothering him but he couldn't figure out what it was. He thought Coop's leaving would have helped him to come back.

"That means we have an empty chair at the command center and that we still are understaffed."

"I told you Bailey, I can't."

"If you change your mind, you know you will always be welcome."

John nodded again. A nurse knocked on the door then entered.

"I'm sorry but the visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock if you want."

"Tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock I'll be out of here." John cracked.

Bailey smiled, it reminded him of the Jaguar case. Sam had stayed with him all the time and John was back at work the day after. Bailey had seen the first signs of something between his two best agents even then. And yet this time was different. Bailey turned to leave but he turned back to John one last time.

"Is your little talk with Sam the reason of her mood ?"

"I think you should ask her."

***
Two weeks later, Boston
John's apartment, 10:00 pm

Like every night for two weeks John had come back to his apartment, slamming the door in anger and frustration. Two weeks had passed and it seemed the O' Doyle's clan had vanished. And it was getting on John's nerves.

He fell on his couch without bothering to turn on the lights nor taking off his jacket. He stayed there, looking outside through the window. He was at a loss. He came to Boston to run away and to revenge but he had failed miserably. His father had managed to escape and he had threatened Sam's life. His father cost him the only two women he truly loved. His mother was dead because he couldn't protect her. Sam was alive but by protecting her he had lost her.

Sam. It still hurt so much to think about her, to think about what she had said in the hospital. Only God knows how hard he had swallowed his pride and his pain that day. He finally stood up and took off his jacket, then he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and poured some in a glass. He leaned against the window, stared at the brown liquid. He wondered if he had been right. He still couldn't believe she told him she loved him. That called everything into question. In a way, it hurt even more to know she loved him because he also knew he couldn't take the risk. He knew from the beginning he shouldn't have let his feelings grow as they did but then it seemed impossible that she could love him too. No. He couldn't take the risk to allow him to love her. He had taken the right decision. Egoistic, maybe. For Sam's sake, once in his life, he would be egoistic if it could save her.

***
Atlanta, VCTF Headquarters

Bailey had not mentioned to Sam her talk with John in the hospital. When they left Boston, everything had seemed to be back to a certain kind of normality so he thought that was not necessary. He could wait for her to talk to him about this if she wanted to. There was no normality in the life of VCTF agents. He should have known better. A few days after their coming back to Atlanta, Bailey could easily see something was wrong with Sam. She was like … faraway. Her body was there but her mind seemed to be miles away. Nothing really surprising, Sam was often lost in her thoughts. That wouldn't have bothered Bailey if it had not had effects on her work. She was enable to focus on the cases they were working on, her profiles were approximate, she seemed to have lost her gift. She was blind. Her mind was blind and numb. It was a real problem since Coop had left. They were still understaffed, the number of cases was increasing and Sam did not help to solve them.

Of course Bailey had his idea about it. As Sam did not talk to him, he had to confront her with it. One day, after the briefing, Sam retreated back to her office. Bailey gave his last instructions then he made his way to her office. Her head was bowed over a file but he could tell she was not thinking about the case. He knocked softly on her door and came in. She snapped up her head at the noise then smiled at him.

"Sam, can I talk to you a minute." He sat on her couch.

Sam watched him warily, well aware of what he wanted to talk about. She finally stood up and joined him on the couch. She spoke first as she sat.

"I know what you want to talk about Bailey. I'm sorry, I realize I am not a very great help right now, I can't focus on my work. I just need some time. I'm fine."

Bailey took her hand and obliged her to look at him in the eyes.

"I know you're fine Sam. You always are. What I do want to know is why you can't focus. I want you to talk to me, to let me help you."

She remained silent, looking down at the carpet.

"Sam, please. Is it because of John? What happened in the hospital?"

She sighed, feeling the tears coming back, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously.

"I'm lost Bailey. I'm not sure of anything anymore. You know, I had my life back until Jack killed Tom. I managed to live as decently as I could with Chloe then Jack hit again. And I met John, George and Grace. It had been hard but I was definitely no longer alone. Then I met Coop and I felt like I could love again and yet ... I was missing something, I was refusing the obvious." She paused and tried to swallow to keep the tears away.

"When John left, I had the feeling I had to build everything again, that suddenly my reality was a blur. From this obscurity came one bright realization: I needed him, more than anyone else. More than Coop. I still need him. I believe I even acknowledged I love him. I love John, Bailey. After what happened to both of us, I was afraid I would never have the chance to tell him how much I owe him ... how much I love him." She added in a whisper while the tears finally found their way down her cheeks.

Bailey put his arm around her shoulders.

"In the hospital, I wanted to tell him all these things I had kept too long in my heart. But he didn't let me and instead he told me why he had left. HE told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to protect me, whatever the cost. Ah ... he told me the only way was to keep me away from him. I ... I tried to ... I said I loved him but I'm not sure he really understood I really meant it. He is so protective and stubborn. And like an idiot I became mad and I yelled at him, telling him he was an egoist, that he didn't have the right to decide for me. Now that I think about it, I realize how hard it must have been for him to watch me suffer, to watch me unconsciously rejecting him, to see me with Coop ... and to see me in danger there. I also know John is far from being egoistic ... God, he is the most dedicated person I've happened to know. I hurt him so much I am afraid I might have lost him forever."

As soon as she finished her sentence she burst into tears and she let herself breakdown on Bailey's shoulder. He was relieved she confessed to him and he hoped she would feel a little better, he hoped he had helped her lift a piece of her burden. He also knew there was only one thing that could have some effect on her. John's coming back. But unless John decided to, Bailey couldn't do anything.

***

Two more weeks passed and things haven't really changed. John and Sam still spent their nights looking through the window, beyond the horizon line, thinking about each other.

John couldn't help feeling guilty and miserable. The memory of what happened was too recent and strong. Guilt was eating him up inside but even stronger he couldn't accept his failure and his confession. He had not intended to tell her. He knew that, in addition, to the distance, it would complicate their relationship and it would hurt. And yet he had done it. She had not had the reaction he had expected though. He had assumed she wouldn't be happy or she would reject him. Instead she had told him she loved him. And then she had yelled at him. He had known many women, Sam definitely was different ... in many ways. Her words still had their effect a month later. If his shoulder and his ribs had healed, his heart was still aching. He feared it might never stop. The separation obviously did not prevent him from thinking about her, from loving her. Knowing she loved him too was not helping. Guilt, sadness and doubt were perpetually fighting inside his soul. 'What if I had taken the wrong decision? No, this couldn't be the wrong decision.' Yes it was. He was slowly realizing he couldn't do anything from here. Sam was still in danger as it seemed his father had left Boston. How would he protect her? He was far away from her, and alone. If he came back to Atlanta, he would be able to, and he would have the support of everyone at the VCTF. And maybe he and Sam would have a second chance. He also knew he couldn't give up harassing his father. This situation was driving him crazy, he had to find a way to take back control over his own life.


The feelings were shared. Sam felt terribly guilty and miserable about the hospital scene. More than anything else she was ashamed of herself. She still couldn't believe she had yelled at him and that she had said he was an egoist. Over the months they had known each other, Sam had quickly learnt John was the most devoted and strong man she had ever met. In a way she admired him. This man she respected and she trusted, this man had confessed his love for her. This man was ready to give his own life for her. While his only motivation was her safety, she had hurt him badly. And she didn't know what to do to repair. Was there a solution? She hardly could look at herself in a mirror, she was not sure she would ever be able to face him again. She wanted hard to see him again but she was so much scared of his reaction. 'I can't let it happen without reacting. I have to deal with my mistakes and try to move on.' Maybe the best way to move on was another trip to Boston and a long talk during which she would say all she needed to say, to explain.

***
Atlanta, VCTF headquarters
9:00 am, command center

The day began like any other day. George, Grace, Sam and Bailey gathered in the command center to attend the usual briefing. Each one took his respective seat and, once again, Sam stared at John's empty seat. That had become sort of a ritual. George put on the screen the pictures of their new case while Bailey was filling them with the latest details. Grace gave her conclusions and Sam assessed the first lines of her profile.

Bailey was pacing in front of the main desk, his head buried in a file. As he was going back to his seat, he looked up just in time to see John approaching in the lobby.

"John!"

At his name, all heads turned to look at him. He walked down, a little uneasily, the few stairs leading to the command center to meet Bailey.

"Hi Bailey." They shook their hands then Bailey pull him in a quick hug.

"Welcome back John. This time tell me you stay." They smiled.

"I can see my seat is waiting for me. I'd be crazy to refuse. But we need to talk seriously."

"Alright. Come to my office later this day. It's good to have you back."

"Thanks."

George shook John's hand and Grace gave him a big hug. Watching his face, she noticed the stitches above his left eye.

"John ... You can't help playing with bigger than you, can't you?! After that, don't complain if I am mothering you!"

"Hey! I never complain!" She gave him a disbelieving look.

"Alright ... sometimes." They laughed.

"I missed you John." John simply nodded.

In the corner of his eye he saw Sam standing up. To come toward him or to leave, he didn't know and he was afraid she might decide to leave. He didn't know what to do either. As she went closer to him, he moved slowly toward her. He was unable to think of something to say and he could barely meet her gaze.

"Sam ..." was all he managed. Finally their eyes locked and suddenly Sam hugged him tight. John closed his eyes and sighed. He was happy and relieved she didn't reject him. He returned the embrace, strong but gentle. His heart was pounding, it felt so good. He leaned down his head, just near her ear.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered. Sam didn't move. She kept her eyes closed but she already could feel the tears welling up. She filled her heart and her soul with his scent, his warmth, his voice.

"I'm sorry I hurt you that day. I didn't mean to, you know All I wanted was to protect you. I really thought the best solution was to stay away from you. But the last month told me that to live faraway from you, without seeing you or talking to you was harder than anything else. And I realized that the only way to protect you was by staying by your side. If you allow me, I will never let anyone or anything hurt you as long as I live. Because I love you Sam."

He took her face in his both hands and looked directly in her wet eyes.

"You hear me ? I love you Sam. I can't take it back and I no longer can act as if I didn't." He said solemnly while wiping the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Smiling, she put a finger on his mouth then caressed his face.

"I don't ask you to. Because I love you." John closed his eyes, he could hardly believe that was really happening. "I love you John. I want us to have a chance."

When he reopened his eyes, he was struck by the light in her look. And it was not due to the tears. It was love. A mirroring light was in his eyes.

They smiled at each other then kissed her tenderly, almost melting in each other under the cheers of their friends.

***

/.../
There were roads I never traveled
There were turns I did not take
There were mysteries that I left unraveled
But leaving you was my only mistake
/.../

Calvin RUSSEL, 'Crossroads', Sounds of the fourth world.

***

The End


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