Part two


***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.

Sarah McLachlan, "Fumbling towards ecstasy", Fumbling towards ecstasy

***

Both of them indeed seize the opportunity of the week end to try to understand why they reacted so strongly. For wanting answers, all they got was a killing headache and more questions.

Sam has so far spent the week end fidgeting in her hotel room, never finding peace. She finally decides to take a walk in the spring mild weather of Atlanta. It seems her thoughts are easier to organize while walking when it comes to personal matters.

She stops and sits in a bench in a park. She watches the people passing by for some time. This is the Atlanta she knew : quiet, peaceful, pleasant to live in. That was before Jack. That was what she was looking for. She had left in a foolish attempt to find a place that fitted her needs of comfort and rest with her daughter. She just did not know she had left this place, with all its memories with Tom, with the VCTF, with her friends.

It has taken her two years to realize it but she now is sure that she belongs to this city. Beyond the nightmare Jack had made her live, beyond her work which has been very tough at times, beyond all the bad memories there are here in Atlanta, she feels deep inside she is in the right place. And this is why she came back.

'How come I couldn't explain this simply to John then ?' she wonders. The look in his eyes lost her, as if they were pleading. She felt she had not the power to ease the pain they were showing. It scared her and she left without answering him. She frowns. Why did he want to know ? He has just told her his feelings and the moments after, he wanted to know this. Thinking about it, she started it. She came to talk to him and instead yelled at him. Then he yelled at her. No, he did not yell, he hurt her. Then he told her his love. And she left. Her frown deepens. All this does not make sense.

She stands up and wanders in the park. 'Why did I react like this ? Why was I so much angry with him ? Because John is my friend', it is not more complicated. She cares for him and wants to help him. He is so alone now she would like him to open up to her. She cares for him, that is it, as she cares for Bailey, George and Grace. Except that he confessed her love. And it changes the settings. She swallows hard and again her eyes become watery. She jerks her head and forces her tears back inside. Why ? Why does it make her want to cry ? Suddenly, it strikes her : he must have been waiting an answer and instead, she struggled against her cries and he apologized.

"Oh God ..." she whispers. She feels bad. And the tears threaten now to spill over her cheeks. One of the most caring and generous persons she knows loves her. She knows he is in pain but never self-centered, and that he loves her, and she feels touched, honored. She regrets she did not say anything to him then. It must have been so much painful and embarrassing for him to lay his feelings in front of her and not getting anything in response. Of course she loves him. John is her friend. Maybe it is not the kind of love he has for her but it is love. "At least, I have to tell him so."

Turning on her heals, she begins to retreat back to her hotel room. She stops. Closing her eyes, she inhales deeply the scent of the flowers, of the humidity, of the town ... of Atlanta. Opening her eyes, she smiles. Yes, she is where she belongs.


John has been up at his cabin. He has thought the silence of the woods and the mountains would help him finding an explanation. An explanation to his revealing his feelings to Sam, bluntly, just after she yelled at him. And an explanation to his love life being so disastrous and painful for him.

Sitting on a trunk, the wind mildly blowing in his hair, it seems that the explanation is quite simple. He could not hold it back inside his chest any longer. Seeing her again after two years, after Kate's death, has been too strong, he could not fight it. He did not want to fight it, looking for the release that might ease his pain.

However, what is really disturbing him is the reason of her coming back. She could not answer him that night. After two years of absence, she comes back to a place where she experienced the strongest pain of her life ... without knowing why. It is strange and does not fit Sam's profile. He smiles. Since when did he profile people, even more Sam ? He stands up and heads to the lake.

Stopping at the bank, he looks ahead, at the riddles of the water. "I'm meant to be alone, that's all." He whispered to the wind. Time has showed him he cannot be with a woman. His mother died by his fault. During the years he worked with Sam, she never looked upon him the way he wanted her to, the way he did. Sam left, he knew Kate and she died ,by his fault another time. Now Sam is back. What is there to expect ? More pain.

Shaking sadly his head, he slowly goes back to the cabin as the sky begins to darken. If she decided to come back to haunt him, she was succeeding pretty well. What if he was given a second chance ? He stops in his tracks. Sam does not know why she came back, so maybe it was not a punishment. He smirks. 'I don't believe in fate, that's stupid' he thinks. Better to push that possibility away, after all he has been through, believing in fate now would be pure fantasy and painful hope. He does not believe it is the answer. But in the depths of his heart, beyond the pain he knows is coming, the words engraved. He wants to believe.

Stepping inside the dark cabin, he closes the door and leans against it. His eyes closed, he gives a quiet prayer to anyone who might hear it.

"I was wrong. I need your help, Sam. I need to know."

***

After an impromptu end to the Buffalo case, thanks to John's information and taste for risk : the man went inside a bikers pub to fish out the killer - one of the bikers, alone without waiting for backup, the VCTF is now running slow. And it gives everyone some time to reorganize their life. Some people more than others. The ever growing distance between John and Sam is not going unnoticed, mainly to Bailey.

Bailey silently slips in Sam's office and sits in the chair in front of her desk. Without looking up, she greats him.

"Hi Bai', what's up ?"

Raising his eyebrows, he asks : "How did you know that was me ?"

Still not looking up, a tap on the tip of her nose is her only response. Puffing on his cigar, he smiles.

"How're you doing Sam ?" Swallowed in her work or fainted to be, she answers quickly : "Fine."

Bailey frowns. Sam never say that, just a 'I'm fine'.

"Sam" he calls. As she does not move, he repeats : "Sam. Look at me."

Finally she gives up and puts down her pen with a sigh, leaning in the back of her chair.

"How are you doing Sam ? And I want the truth."

"Honestly I'm fine Bailey. I just needed some time to ... warm up. Now I'm more efficient and ..."

He does not let her finish. "I'm not talking about work and you know it. You just avoid the subject."

As he watches her closely, he can easily read her discomfort and distress. She grabs again her pain and nervously taps it down onto her desk. After a brief pause, she replies.

"Unluckily it's not that bright on that side."

"Did you try to talk with him ?" She nods. "I guess it didn't go well, did it ?" 'No kidding !'

"That's putting it mild. It was the greatest fiasco I've ever had."

They both stay silent a while. Bailey resumes his questioning.

"Well, what did you say ?"

She looks into his deep eyes, finding there the support she needs.

"I told him I wanted to understand why he was acting like a brat with me."

Bailey nods in acknowledgement then asks : "And what did John tell you ?"

She hesitates briefly. Does she feel like she has to tell Bailey the whole truth or skip through the 'John's-feelings-for-her' part?

"He said he wanted to know why I decided to come back."

Bailey is pretty surprised by her words - John's words. His furrow creases on his forehead. He has not imagined John asking this to Sam.

"And ?" Bailey inquires. "Did you give him a reason ?"

She shakes her head. "I would have needed to know the answer myself to do that." She pauses, her eyes falling to the papers shuffled on her desk. "I just left the apartment saying I didn't know."

Bailey frowns deeply. That is very unlike Sam. "Why ?"

She let out a little ironic laugh. "Because I didn't know the answer and I didn't know what else to do !!"

"Do you know now ?" He asks cautiously.

"I am not sure. You know, I've thought about this the whole week end. And I think it was more a sudden reaction than a real decision to come back here. I felt like I needed to live again in Atlanta to definitely accept what happened to me those last seven years and move on." She pauses, searching her words. "Although I had a new life, quieter with Chloe, I could sense that it was odd, out of place. I was missing my friends, my work ... God, I was missing the safe house. Because *this* is my life. This is where I have memories, good and bad, where I belong" she finally confesses remembering her own words in the park.

"After two years, you just decided it was time for you to go back to a place synonym of nightmare to move on. And here you are ?" The tone of his voice clearly indicates he does not buy it.

She tilts her head and frowns. ´What does he want me to say ?´

"What do you mean ?"

He leans forward. "I mean, there is something inside you, here, " he point out her heart with his cigar, "which told you you needed to come back, to find the peace and happiness that you deserve." He pauses voluntarily to give her time to process his words before the next sentence. "And that he deserves too."

Her eyes grow wide for a second as a picture of John flashes before her eyes. Her heartbeat increases as she acknowledges what he is saying. She opens her mouth but no words come out.

Bailey slowly stand up. She looks up when he speaks.

"I believe you forgot that part in your session last week end. So what don't you shut the blinds and take some time to consider that aspect ?"

Without waiting for her agreement, he shuts them then head out of her office toward his own.

***

She stares off in the distance for a while. She thought she had the answers to all her questions and doubts. Bailey has just shattered everything with a mere sentence, four words. Her heartbeat still is pretty high and it seems it is going to increase as she begins to think about John and her feelings towards him. It is clear that is what Bailey meant. She thought he was only a friend.

The more she thinks about it, the more it becomes obvious to her there is something else. Something that would explain her behavior, so passionate and extreme, with him. John's has found its reason : he loves Sam. 'Does it mean I love him too ?' And here again the tears burn the back of her eyes. She angrily wipes them. Her breathing is a little heavier as acknowledgement slowly sinks in.

"That would explain the tears when I think about him, the pain I feel when he rejects me" she pauses, struggling again another set of tears, "God, what have I done." In her ignorance, she rejected him.

"I have to tell him." Drying the last tears, she stands up and hurries to see Bailey.

John knocks once on Bailey's door then enters. Talking to someone on the phone, he gestures for him to wait. John comes further into the room. Hanging up, he looks up at him.

"What is it ?"

John turns around. "Someone would like to talk to you." He lays up his hands in defense. "Don't ask me more details, I'm just the messenger. Daphne couldn't get a hold of you."

As he dials Daphne's extension, Sam suddenly bursts through the door.

***

She can not wait any longer. Flying through her office door, she goes straight to Bailey's office to tell him the decision she has just taken. Without any warning, she runs inside and addresses Bailey. She is so focused she does not even see John standing behind her in the back of the room.

"You were right about John."

Bailey's eyes grow wide and stare at something behind her. Or someone.

"Right about what?"

His voice echoes in a very silent room. Sam chills at his voice and turns around ever so slowly to face him. She would like a hole to swallow her. Sure she wants to tell him, but that is too sudden. Her will seems to vanish as fast as the smoke of Bailey's cigars.

Bailey's voice talking to Daphne breaks the heavy silence. "Tell him I'm coming."

He hangs up. "I need to go talk to a representative of a gay association relating to the Swifter case." He pauses, looking at his two best agents and best friends in front of him.

"I think you need some calm to straight things up between you. You should do it here. Now."

The second after, the door closes, leaving Sam and John alone. The situation is awkward, they are well aware of that. Sam goes to the couch and sits down. John stay stood, turned half-way toward her and the wall. He does not dare to look at her.

"What was that about ?"

"I told him about Friday night." She replies hesitantly.

John's jaw clenches and fear builds inside of him. She looks up to him.

"I think we really need to talk about what happened that night, John."

He relaxes a bit, enough to enable his mouth to push out his words. "I want to apologize, Sam."

Surprise creeps in her eyes. "For what ?"

"For being that hard on you. I told you you were egoistic, only concentrating in easing your discomfort. And by saying that, I have been egoistic myself, never thinking about your feelings at coming back here, how you were handling it. You're the most caring person I know Sam. I had no right to do it."

"You don't need to apologize. I think I indeed was egoistic that night. Because I was lost and angry."

John nods his head in agreement. "We both overreacted and said things we didn't intend to." He throws a glance at her in nervousness before carrying on. "But ... you know, some things I said were true somehow ..."

He marks a slight pause. "Listen, Sam, I'm not a hoping person, life has taught me how much it hurts. My mother died when I was still pretty young, because of me. As I told you, I've been in love with you since day one, and you never saw me the way I was hoping you to. I met Kate and for a while, I hoped I might finally get a normal life. But she died." He swallows the lump in his throat. "When you left ..."

"But I came back." She interrupts him and stands up to join him, only stopping a few feet away. Her eyes now dare to look straight into his. They are full of fear and hope, his heart is ready to explode.

"I can now tell you why. I came back to Atlanta for various reasons. To move on definitely, to accept and leave behind me Jack and his sick games. To accept and cherish the good memories I have here, with Tom, with Chloe, with the VCTF, with my friends. Last, but not least, I came back to where I belong, where my life is and has always been." She pauses, swallowing against her tears.

"I came back to the place where *you* are." She whispers, her hand resting on his shoulder.

The feeling of her touch burns his skin through his shirt. He can not believe what she is saying. He wants to, God he wants to. He has hoped for so long it seems surreal now that it happens.

He can hardly breathe. "What do you mean ?" His voice is so hoarse, it is hard to hear it.

"Your telling me your love opened my eyes. It took me some time, and some help, to acknowledge my own real feelings, not the friends feelings I used as an excuse even though they were true. I needed to accept something I've felt long ago but never dealt with." She looks straight into his waiting and intense glaze.
"I love you John."

He closes his eyes a brief moment and let out a shaking breath. "You don't know how long I've hoped to here you saying that."

Opening his eyes, he rests his hand on her cheek, his thumb caressing lightly her soft skin, wiping away an errant tear.

"I love you Sam. I belong to you. I always did. And I will forever."

Lowering his head, his lips come to rest upon hers lovingly. Breaking the kiss, she corrects him breathlessly.

"No ... we belong together."

***

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.

Peace in the struggle to find peace.
Comfort on the way to comfort

Sarah McLachlan, "Fumbling towards ecstasy", Fumbling towards ecstasy

***

The End