Scene 4

[battle sounds]
[DARK KAT defeats another knight in a bloody battle as RAZOR watches]

RAZOR:You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Christopher, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

DARK KAT: None shall pass.

RAZOR: What?

DARK KAT: None shall pass.

RAZOR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

DARK KAT: Then you shall die.

RAZOR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!

DARK KAT: I move for no kat.

RAZOR: So be it!

[hah]

[parry thrust]

[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's left arm off after a short battle]

RAZOR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

DARK KAT: 'Tis but a scratch.

RAZOR: A scratch? Your arm's off!

DARK KAT: No, it isn't.

RAZOR: Well, what's that then?

DARK KAT: I've had worse.

RAZOR: You liar!

DARK KAT: Come on you pansy!

[hah]


[parry thrust]


[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's right arm off]


RAZOR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-

[DARK KAT kicks RAZOR in the head while he is praying]


DARK KAT: Come on then.

RAZOR: What?

DARK KAT: Have at you!

RAZOR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

DARK KAT: Oh, had enough, eh?

RAZOR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.

DARK KAT: Yes I have.

RAZOR: Look!

DARK KAT: Just a flesh wound.

[Headbutts RAZOR in the chest]

RAZOR: Look, stop that.

DARK KAT: Chicken! Chicken!

RAZOR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! [whop]

DARK KAT: Right, I'll do you for that!

RAZOR: You'll what?

DARK KAT: Come 'ere!

RAZOR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?

DARK KAT: I'm invincible!

RAZOR: You're a loony.

DARK KAT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.

[whop]

[RAZOR chops DARK KAT's other leg off]

DARK KAT: All right; we'll call it a draw.

RAZOR: Come, Patsy.

DARK KAT: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!

Scene 5

[Monks chanting and hitting themselves over the head, leading to........]

CROWD: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've got a Witch! A Witch!

VILLAGER #1: We have found a Witch, might we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn!

RICK: How do you know she is a Witch?

VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.

RICK: Bring her forward.

ANNIE: I'm not a Witch. I'm not a Witch.

RICK: But you are dressed as one.

ANNIE: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.

ANNIE: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.

RICK: Well?

VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.

RICK: The nose?

VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a Witch!

CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!

RICK: Did you dress her up like this?

CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.

RICK: What makes you think she is a Witch?

VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into an oil-sucking worm thingy.

RICK: An oil-sucking worm thingy?

VILLAGER #3: I got better.

VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!

CROWD: Burn! Burn her!

RICK: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a Witch.

CROWD: Are there? What are they?

RICK: Tell me, what do you do with Witches?

VILLAGER #2: Burn!

CROWD: Burn, burn them up!

RICK: And what do you burn apart from Witches?

VILLAGER #1: More Witches!

VILLAGER #2: Wood!

RICK: So, why do Witches burn?

[pause]

VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?

RICK: Good!

CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...

RICK: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.

RICK: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.

RICK: Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1: No, no.

VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!

VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond!

RICK: What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1: Bread!

VILLAGER #2: Apples!

VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!

VILLAGER #1: Cider!

VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy!

VILLAGER #1: Cherries!

VILLAGER #2: Mud!

VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!

VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!

RAZOR: A duck.

CROWD: Oooh.

RICK: Exactly! So, logically...,

VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.

RICK: And therefore--?

VILLAGER #1: A Witch!

CROWD: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch!

RICK: We shall use my largest scales!

[yelling]

RICK: Right, remove the supports!

[whop]


[creak]

CROWD: A Witch! A Witch!

ANNIE: It's a fair cop.

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her!

[yelling]

RICK: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

RAZOR: I am Christopher, King of the Britons.

RICK: My liege!

RAZOR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

RICK: My liege! I would be honored.

RAZOR: What is your name?

RICK: Rick, my leige.

RAZOR: Then I dub you Sir Rick, Knight of the Round Table.

[Narrative Interlude]

CHANCE: The wise Sir Rick was the first to join King Christopher's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Vince the Brave; Sir Jax the Pure; and Sir Speedy the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Vince who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the viscous Palm Tree of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-fanfic. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.

Scene 6

RICK: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be goldfish-shaped.

RAZOR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Rick. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

RICK: Oh, certainly, sir.

VINCE: Look, my liege!

RAZOR: Camelot!

JAX: Camelot!

VINCE: Camelot!

PATSY: It's only a model.

RAZOR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to Camelot.


[cut to knights singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we're given thymes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.

RAZOR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is a silly place. Right.