Scene 7

HOD: Christopher! Christopher, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

RAZOR: Sorry!!

HOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'. What are you doing now!?

RAZOR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

HOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off!

RAZOR: Yes, Lord.

HOD: Right! Christopher, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

RAZOR: Good idea, oh Lord!

HOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Christopher, this is the Holy Bicket. Look well, Christopher, for it is your sacred task to seek this Bicket. That is your purpose, Christopher -- the Quest for the Holy Bicket.

RAZOR: A blessing!

VINCE: A blessing from the Lord!

JAX: Hod be praised!

Scene 8

[clop clop]

RAZOR: Halt! Hello! Hello!

RIKKI: 'Ello! Who ist dis?

RAZOR: It is King Christopher, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's castle is this?

RIKKI: This is the castle of my master, Hans von Ricctoffen!

RAZOR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Hod with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Bicket.

RIKKI: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got one, you see?

RAZOR: What?

JAX: He says they've already got one!

RAZOR: Are you sure he's got one?

RIKKI: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)

RAZOR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?

RIKKI: Of course not! You are English types-a!

RAZOR: Well, what are you then?

RIKKI: I'm German! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!

JAX: What are you doing in England?

RIKKI: Mind your own business!

RAZOR: If you will not show us the Bicket, we shall take your castle by force!

RIKKI: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Christopher-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets Thppppt!

JAX: What a strange person.

RAZOR: Now look here, my good she-kat!

RIKKI: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I meh in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of dead poptarts!

JAX: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

RIKKI: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

RAZOR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.

RIKKI: Lassen die Kuhe!

CALLISTA: Was?

RIKKI: Lassen die Kuhe!

[moo!]

RAZOR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!

ALL: Charge!

[Knights charge]

RIKKI: Ah, this one is for your mother!

[twang]

ALL: Run away!

RIKKI: Thpppt!

[after running away...]

VINCE: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!

RAZOR: No no, no no!

RICK: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

[later]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]

RIKKI & CALLISTA (muttering): Offen die Tur. Was? Ein Geschenk. What? A present. Oh, ein Geschenk. Ja, Ja. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. Over here...

[rumble rumble squeak]

RAZOR: What happens now?

RICK: Well, now, uh, Vince, Jax, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Germans by surprise -- not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

RAZOR: Who leaps out?

RICK: Uh, Vince, Jax, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....

RAZOR: Oh....

RICK: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--

[twang]

ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!

[splat]

RIKKI & CALLISTA: Oh, haw haw haw.

Scene 9

Pictures for Schools, take 8.

DIRECTOR: Action!

HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Christopher. The ferocity of the Germans taunting took him completely by surprise, and Christopher became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Bicket were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Christopher, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Bicket individually. Now, this is what they did--Vince...

[clop clop]

[An unknown knight rides in and kills the narrator]

DR. SINIAN: Greg!