Scene 10

CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Speedy.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Speedy rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrel.

FELINA (singing): Bravely bold Sir Speedy, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Speedy.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Speedy!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Speedy!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his pe-... ~

SPEEDY: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.

TOBY: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

TARE: Oh, Toby, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

[encounter 3-headed knightess]

ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?

FELINA (singing): ~He is brave Sir Speedy, brave Sir Speedy, who--~

SPEEDY: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through.

ALL HEADS: What do you want?

FELINA (singing): ~To fight, and--~

SPEEDY: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Madame.

ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!

SPEEDY: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.

ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?

SPEEDY: I am.

KATALINA: In that case I shall have to kill you.

AJ: Shall I?

NINA: Oh, I don't think so.

AJ: Well, what do I think?

KATALINA: I think kill him.

NINA: Well let's be nice to him.

AJ: Oh shut up.

KATALINA: Perhaps-

AJ: And you.

KATALINA: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!

NINA: Oh, cut your own head off!

AJ: Yes, do us all a favor!

KATALINA: What?

NINA: Yapping on all the time.

AJ: You're lucky, you're not next to her.

KATALINA: What do you mean?

AJ: You snore.

KATALINA: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.

AJ: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.

NINA: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.

KATALINA: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

AJ: Yes.

NINA: Oh, but not biscuits.

KATALINA: All right all right not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.

ALL HEADS: Right!

KATALINA: He buggered off.

NINA: So he has, he's scarpered.

FELINA (singing): ~Brave Sir Speedy ran away~

SPEEDY: No!

FELINA (singing): ~Bravely ran away away~

SPEEDY: I didn't!

FELINA (singing): ~When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled ~

SPEEDY: No!

FELINA (singing): ~Yes Brave Sir Speedy turned about~

SPEEDY: I didn't!

FELINA (singing): ~And gallantly he chickened out Bravely taking to his feet~

SPEEDY: I never did!

FELINA (singing): ~He beat a very brave retreat~

SPEEDY: Oh, lie!

FELINA (singing): ~Bravest of the brave Sir Speedy~

SPEEDY: I never!

Scene 11

[Cartoon monks]

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Jax
[Thunder, lightning, rain and wind]
[angels singing and Jax spots the Bicket]
[pound pound pound]

JAX: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Christopher, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[JAX falls]

ALL: Hello!

KALLIE: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Shusha.

JAX: The Castle Shusha?

KALLIE: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!

JAX: You are the keepers of the Holy Bicket?

KALLIE: The what?

JAX: The Bicket -- it is here?

KALLIE: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!

MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Kallie!

KALLIE: Prepare a pooltable for our guest.

MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--

KALLIE: Away away varletesses The pooltables here are warm and soft - -- and very, very big.

JAX: Well, look, I-I-uh--

KALLIE: What is your name, handsome knight?

JAX: Sir Jax... the Chaste.

KALLIE: Mine is Kallie... just Kallie. Oh, but come!

JAX: Look, please! In Hod's name, show me the Bicket!

KALLIE: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

JAX: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--

KALLIE: Sir Jax! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

JAX: Well, I-I-uh--

KALLIE: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making bubblewrap underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!

JAX: No, no -- i-it's nothing!

KALLIE: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap]

PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?

JAX: They're doctors?!

KALLIE: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.

JAX: B-but--

KALLIE: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.

PIGLET: Try to relax.

JAX: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

PIGLET: We must examine you.

JAX: There's nothing wrong with that!

PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.

JAX: Get off the pooltable! I am sworn to chastity!

PIGLET: Back to your pooltable!

JAX: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Bicket!

PIGLET: There's no bicket here.

JAX: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

SLUTS: Hello.

JAX: Oh--

VARIOUS SLUTS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

JAX: Kallie!

Kikki: No, I am Kallie's identical twin sister, Kikki.

JAX: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

KIKKI: Where are you going?

JAX: I seek the Bicket! I have seen it, here in this castle!

KIKKI: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Kallie!

JAX: What is it?

KIKKI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Kallie! ... She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is bicket-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

JAX: It's not the real Bicket?

KIKKI: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Kallie! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Shusha, we have but one punishment for setting alight the bicket-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!

SLUTS: A spanking! A spanking!

KIKKI: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.

VARIOUS SLUTS: And spank me. And me. And me.

KIKKI: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

SLUTS: A spanking! A spanking!

KIKKI: And after the spanking, the mehing.

SLUTS: Mehing! Mehing!

JAX: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.

VINCE: Sir Jax!

JAX: Oh, hello.

VINCE: Quick!

JAX: What?

VINCE: Quick!

JAX: Why?

VINCE: You're in great peril!

KALLIE: No he isn't

VINCE: Silence, foul temptress!

JAX: Now look, it's not important.

VINCE: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!

JAX: Look, I'm fine!

VINCE: Come on!

JAX: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

KIKKI: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

SLUTS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!

VINCE: No, Sir Jax, come on!

JAX: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

KIKKI: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.

SLUTS: Yes, yes!

JAX: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!

KIKKI: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.

SLUTS: Yes, yes.

[boom]

KIKKI: Oh, shit.

[outside]

VINCE: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.

JAX: I don't think I was.

VINCE: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.

JAX: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

VINCE: No, it's too perilous.

JAX: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can

VINCE: No, we've got to find the Holy Bicket. Come on!

JAX: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?

VINCE: No, it's unhealthy.

JAX: Bet you're gay!

VINCE: No, I'm not.

CHANCE: Sir Vince had saved Sir Jax from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Bicket. Meanwhile, King Christopher and Sir Rick, not more than a toucan's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen toucan's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden toucan's flights away -- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--

MUNS: Get on with it!

CHANCE: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Christopher discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any toucans, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!

Scene 12

KAIN: Ah, hee he he ha!

RAZOR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Bicket?

KAIN: Ha ha he he he he!

RAZOR: Where does he live? Old kat, where does he live?

KAIN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no kat has entered.

RAZOR: And the Bicket... The Bicket is there?

KAIN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no kat has ever crossed.

RAZOR: But the Bicket! Where is the Bicket!?

KAIN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.

RAZOR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Bicket?

KAIN: Hee hee ha ha!

[KAIN disappears]