Scene 13

[clop clop clop clop]

[eerie music]

BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

RAZOR: Who are you?

BLADEA: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!

RAZOR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!

BLADEA: The same!

RICK: Who are they?

BLADEA: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!

RANDOM: Nuu-wom!

RAZOR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

BLADEA: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

BLADEA: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

RAZOR: Well, what is it you want?

BLADEA: We want... a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

RAZOR: A what?

BLADEA: Ni! Ni!

RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!

RAZOR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.

BLADEA: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!

RAZOR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

BLADEA: One that looks nice.

RAZOR: Of course.

BLADEA: And not too expensive.

RAZOR: Yes.

BLADEA: Now... go!

Scene 14

CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Vince.

VIPER: One day, lad, all thisss will be yoursss!

DASH: What, the curtains?

VIPER: No, not the curtainsss, lad. All that you can sssee! Ssstretched out over the hillssss and valleysss of thisss land! Thisss'll be your kingdom, lad!

DASH: But, Mother--

VIPER: Father, lad, Father.

DASH: But Father, I don't want any of that.

VIPER: Lisssten, lad. I've built thisss kingdom up from nothing. When I ssstarted here, all there wasss wasss ssswamp. The king sssaid I wasss daft to build a cassstle in a ssswamp, but I built it all the sssame, jussst to ssshow 'em. It sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso, I built a sssecond one. That sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sssank into the ssswamp. But the fourth one ssstayed up. An' that'sss what you're gonna get, lad -- the ssstrongessst cassstle in thessse islandsss.

DASH: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--

VIPER: Rather what?!

DASH: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!

VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that! You're not going to do a sssong while I'm here. Now lisssten lad, in twenty minutesss you're getting married to a girl whossse father ownsss the biggessst tractsss of open land in Britain.

DASH: But I don't want land.

VIPER: Listen, Aliccce...

DASH: Dash.

VIPER: Dasssh. .... We live in a bloody ssswamp. We need all the land we can get.

DASH: But I don't like her.

VIPER: Don't like her?! What'sss wrong with her? Ssshe'sss beautiful, ssshe'sss rich, ssshe'sss got huge... tractsss of land.

DASH: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...

VIPER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princessss Loogie, ssso you'd better get usssed to the idea. [smack] Guardsss! Make sure the Princcce doesssn't leave thisss room until I come and get 'im.

SHIRO: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

DROZ: Hic!

VIPER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

SHIRO: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

VIPER: No, no, no. You ssstay in the room and make sssure he doesssn't leave.

SHIRO: And you'll come and get him.

DROZ: Hic!

VIPER: Right.

SHIRO: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

VIPER: No, no. Leaving the room.

SHIRO: Leaving the room, yes.

VIPER: All right?

SHIRO: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

VIPER: Yesss, what isss it?

SHIRO: Oh, if-if, oh--

VIPER: Look, it'sss quite sssimple.

SHIRO: Uh...

VIPER: You jussst ssstay here, and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave the room. All right?

DROZ: Hic!

VIPER: Right.

SHIRO: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

VIPER: N- No no no. You jussst keep him in here, and make sssure--

SHIRO: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--
VIPER: No, no, jussst keep him in here--

SHIRO: Until you, or anyone else,--

VIPER: No, not anyone elssse, jussst me--

SHIRO: Just you.

DROZ: Hic!

VIPER: Get back.

SHIRO: Get back.

VIPER: Right?

SHIRO: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

VIPER: And, uh, make sssure he doesssn't leave.

SHIRO: What?

VIPER: Make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.

SHIRO: The Prince?

VIPER: Yesss, make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.

SHIRO: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

VIPER: Isss that clear?

DROZ: Hic!

SHIRO: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

VIPER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?

SHIRO: We're coming with you.

VIPER: No no, I want you to ssstay 'ere and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.

SHIRO: Oh, I see. Right.

DASH: But, Father!

VIPER: Ssshut your noissse, you! And get that sssuit on! [music] And no sssinging!

DROZ: Hic!

VIPER: Oh, go get a glasssss of water.

Scene 15

VINCE: Well taken, Ewon!

EWON: Thank you, sir! Most kind.

VINCE: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Ewon!

[thwonk]

EWON: Message for you, sir.

[fwump]

VINCE: Ewon! Ewon, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Bicket! ...Brave, brave Ewon! You shall not have died in vain!

EWON: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.

VINCE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

EWON: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.

VINCE: Oh, I see.

EWON: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--

VINCE: No, no, sweet Ewon! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)

EWON: Idiom, sir?

VINCE: Idiom!

EWON: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.

VINCE: Farewell, never-dying Ewon!

EWON: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.