Scene 13
[clop clop clop clop]
[eerie music]
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
RAZOR: Who are you?
BLADEA: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
RAZOR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
BLADEA: The same!
RICK: Who are they?
BLADEA: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!
RANDOM: Nuu-wom!
RAZOR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
BLADEA: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
BLADEA: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
RAZOR: Well, what is it you want?
BLADEA: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: A what?
BLADEA: Ni! Ni!
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
RAZOR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.
BLADEA: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
RAZOR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
BLADEA: One that looks nice.
RAZOR: Of course.
BLADEA: And not too expensive.
RAZOR: Yes.
BLADEA: Now... go!
Scene 14
CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Vince.
VIPER: One day, lad, all thisss will be yoursss!
DASH: What, the curtains?
VIPER: No, not the curtainsss, lad. All that you can sssee! Ssstretched out over the hillssss and valleysss of thisss land! Thisss'll be your kingdom, lad!
DASH: But, Mother--
VIPER: Father, lad, Father.
DASH: But Father, I don't want any of that.
VIPER: Lisssten, lad. I've built thisss kingdom up from nothing. When I ssstarted here, all there wasss wasss ssswamp. The king sssaid I wasss daft to build a cassstle in a ssswamp, but I built it all the sssame, jussst to ssshow 'em. It sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso, I built a sssecond one. That sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sssank into the ssswamp. But the fourth one ssstayed up. An' that'sss what you're gonna get, lad -- the ssstrongessst cassstle in thessse islandsss.
DASH: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
VIPER: Rather what?!
DASH: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that! You're not going to do a sssong while I'm here. Now lisssten lad, in twenty minutesss you're getting married to a girl whossse father ownsss the biggessst tractsss of open land in Britain.
DASH: But I don't want land.
VIPER: Listen, Aliccce...
DASH: Dash.
VIPER: Dasssh. .... We live in a bloody ssswamp. We need all the land we can get.
DASH: But I don't like her.
VIPER: Don't like her?! What'sss wrong with her? Ssshe'sss beautiful, ssshe'sss rich, ssshe'sss got huge... tractsss of land.
DASH: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...
VIPER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princessss Loogie, ssso you'd better get usssed to the idea. [smack] Guardsss! Make sure the Princcce doesssn't leave thisss room until I come and get 'im.
SHIRO: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
SHIRO: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
VIPER: No, no, no. You ssstay in the room and make sssure he doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: And you'll come and get him.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Right.
SHIRO: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
VIPER: No, no. Leaving the room.
SHIRO: Leaving the room, yes.
VIPER: All right?
SHIRO: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
VIPER: Yesss, what isss it?
SHIRO: Oh, if-if, oh--
VIPER: Look, it'sss quite sssimple.
SHIRO: Uh...
VIPER: You jussst ssstay here, and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave the room. All right?
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Right.
SHIRO: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
VIPER: N- No no no. You jussst keep him in here, and make sssure--
SHIRO: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--
VIPER: No, no, jussst keep him in here--
SHIRO: Until you, or anyone else,--
VIPER: No, not anyone elssse, jussst me--
SHIRO: Just you.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Get back.
SHIRO: Get back.
VIPER: Right?
SHIRO: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
VIPER: And, uh, make sssure he doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: What?
VIPER: Make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: The Prince?
VIPER: Yesss, make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
VIPER: Isss that clear?
DROZ: Hic!
SHIRO: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
VIPER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?
SHIRO: We're coming with you.
VIPER: No no, I want you to ssstay 'ere and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: Oh, I see. Right.
DASH: But, Father!
VIPER: Ssshut your noissse, you! And get that sssuit on! [music] And no sssinging!
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Oh, go get a glasssss of water.
Scene 15
VINCE: Well taken, Ewon!
EWON: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
VINCE: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Ewon!
[thwonk]
EWON: Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
VINCE: Ewon! Ewon, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Bicket! ...Brave, brave Ewon! You shall not have died in vain!
EWON: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
VINCE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
EWON: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
VINCE: Oh, I see.
EWON: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
VINCE: No, no, sweet Ewon! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)
EWON: Idiom, sir?
VINCE: Idiom!
EWON: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
VINCE: Farewell, never-dying Ewon!
EWON: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
[clop clop clop clop]
[eerie music]
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
RAZOR: Who are you?
BLADEA: We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
RAZOR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Ni!
BLADEA: The same!
RICK: Who are they?
BLADEA: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom!
RANDOM: Nuu-wom!
RAZOR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
BLADEA: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
BLADEA: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
RAZOR: Well, what is it you want?
BLADEA: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: A what?
BLADEA: Ni! Ni!
RAZOR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
RAZOR: Please, please! No more! We will find a shrubbery.
BLADEA: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
RAZOR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
BLADEA: One that looks nice.
RAZOR: Of course.
BLADEA: And not too expensive.
RAZOR: Yes.
BLADEA: Now... go!
Scene 14
CHANCE: The Tale of Sir Vince.
VIPER: One day, lad, all thisss will be yoursss!
DASH: What, the curtains?
VIPER: No, not the curtainsss, lad. All that you can sssee! Ssstretched out over the hillssss and valleysss of thisss land! Thisss'll be your kingdom, lad!
DASH: But, Mother--
VIPER: Father, lad, Father.
DASH: But Father, I don't want any of that.
VIPER: Lisssten, lad. I've built thisss kingdom up from nothing. When I ssstarted here, all there wasss wasss ssswamp. The king sssaid I wasss daft to build a cassstle in a ssswamp, but I built it all the sssame, jussst to ssshow 'em. It sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso, I built a sssecond one. That sssank into the ssswamp. Ssso I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sssank into the ssswamp. But the fourth one ssstayed up. An' that'sss what you're gonna get, lad -- the ssstrongessst cassstle in thessse islandsss.
DASH: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
VIPER: Rather what?!
DASH: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that! You're not going to do a sssong while I'm here. Now lisssten lad, in twenty minutesss you're getting married to a girl whossse father ownsss the biggessst tractsss of open land in Britain.
DASH: But I don't want land.
VIPER: Listen, Aliccce...
DASH: Dash.
VIPER: Dasssh. .... We live in a bloody ssswamp. We need all the land we can get.
DASH: But I don't like her.
VIPER: Don't like her?! What'sss wrong with her? Ssshe'sss beautiful, ssshe'sss rich, ssshe'sss got huge... tractsss of land.
DASH: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...
VIPER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princessss Loogie, ssso you'd better get usssed to the idea. [smack] Guardsss! Make sure the Princcce doesssn't leave thisss room until I come and get 'im.
SHIRO: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
SHIRO: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
VIPER: No, no, no. You ssstay in the room and make sssure he doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: And you'll come and get him.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Right.
SHIRO: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
VIPER: No, no. Leaving the room.
SHIRO: Leaving the room, yes.
VIPER: All right?
SHIRO: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
VIPER: Yesss, what isss it?
SHIRO: Oh, if-if, oh--
VIPER: Look, it'sss quite sssimple.
SHIRO: Uh...
VIPER: You jussst ssstay here, and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave the room. All right?
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Right.
SHIRO: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
VIPER: N- No no no. You jussst keep him in here, and make sssure--
SHIRO: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--
VIPER: No, no, jussst keep him in here--
SHIRO: Until you, or anyone else,--
VIPER: No, not anyone elssse, jussst me--
SHIRO: Just you.
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Get back.
SHIRO: Get back.
VIPER: Right?
SHIRO: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
VIPER: And, uh, make sssure he doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: What?
VIPER: Make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: The Prince?
VIPER: Yesss, make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
VIPER: Isss that clear?
DROZ: Hic!
SHIRO: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
VIPER: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?
SHIRO: We're coming with you.
VIPER: No no, I want you to ssstay 'ere and make sssure 'e doesssn't leave.
SHIRO: Oh, I see. Right.
DASH: But, Father!
VIPER: Ssshut your noissse, you! And get that sssuit on! [music] And no sssinging!
DROZ: Hic!
VIPER: Oh, go get a glasssss of water.
Scene 15
VINCE: Well taken, Ewon!
EWON: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
VINCE: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Ewon!
[thwonk]
EWON: Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
VINCE: Ewon! Ewon, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Bicket! ...Brave, brave Ewon! You shall not have died in vain!
EWON: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
VINCE: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
EWON: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
VINCE: Oh, I see.
EWON: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
VINCE: No, no, sweet Ewon! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)
EWON: Idiom, sir?
VINCE: Idiom!
EWON: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
VINCE: Farewell, never-dying Ewon!
EWON: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
