Scene 16

[Vince charges the castle]

VINCE: Ha-ha! etc.

[Carnage and mayhem]

SHIRO: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!

VINCE: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Vince of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.

DASH: You got my note!

VINCE: Uh, well, I got A note.

DASH: You've come to rescue me!

VINCE: Uh, well, no, you see--

DASH: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...

VIPER: Ssstop that, ssstop that, ssstop it! Ssstop it! Who are you?

DASH: I'm your son!

VIPER: No, not you.

VINCE: I'm Sir Vince, sir.

DASH: He's come to rescue me, father.

VINCE: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

VIPER: Did you kill all the guardsss?

VINCE: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.

VIPER: They cossst fifty poundsss each.

VINCE: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.

DASH: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Vince, I've got a rope all ready!

VIPER: You killed eight wedding guestsss in all!

VINCE: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.

VIPER: I can underssstand that.

DASH: Hurry, Sir Vince! Hurry!

VIPER: Ssshut up! You only killed the bride'sss father, that'sss all!

VINCE: Well, I really didn't mean to...

VIPER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sssword right through hisss head!

VINCE: Oh, dear. Is he all right?

VIPER: You even kicked the bride in the chessst! Thisss isss going to cossst me a fortune!

VINCE: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--

VIPER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?

DASH: Hurry, Sir Vince!

VINCE: Uh, I am a Knight of King Christopher, sir.

VIPER: Pretty niccce cassstle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good rabid cow country....

VINCE: Is it?

DASH: Hurry, I'm ready!

VIPER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?

VINCE: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.

DASH: I am ready!

[start to leave]

VINCE: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Viper unties rope] [thonk]

DASH: Oooh! [splat]

VINCE: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.

VIPER: Oh, don't worry about that.

DASH: Oooh! [splat]

Scene 17

[wailing]

VIPER: Well, thisss isss the main hall. We're going to have all thisss knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.

RANDOM: There he is!

VIPER: Oh, bloody hell.

VINCE: Ha-ha! etc.

[more carnage and mayhem]

VIPER: Hold it, hold it! Pleassse!

VINCE: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.

RANDOM: He's killed the best man!

[yelling]

VIPER: Hold it, pleassse! Hold it! Thisss isss Sssir Vinccce from the court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my ssspecial guessst here today.

VINCE: Hello.

RANDOM: He killed my auntie!

[yelling]

VIPER: Pleassse, pleassse! This is sssupposed to be a happy occasssion! ... Let'sss not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witnesssss the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my ssson Dasssh, hasss just fallen to hisss death. But I don't want to think I've lost a ssson, so much asss... gained a daughter! For, sssince the tragic death of her father--

RANDOM: He's not quite dead!

VIPER: Sssince the near fatal wounding of her father--

RANDOM: He's getting better!

VIPER: For, sssince her own father... who, when he ssseemed about to recover, sssuddenly felt the icccy hand of death upon him,--

[guards kill her father]

[ugh]

RANDOM: Oh, he's died!

VIPER: And I want hisss only daughter to look upon me... asss her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sssenssse. [clapping] And I feel sssure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princessss and the brave, but dangerousss, Sssir Vinccce of Camelot--

VINCE: What?

RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!

EWON: He's not quite dead!

DASH: Oh, I feel much better.

VIPER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!

DASH: No, I was saved at the last minute.

VIPER: How?!

DASH: Well, I'll tell you... [music]

VIPER: Not like that! Not like that! No, ssstop it!

CROWD: [singing] ~He's going to tell! He's going to tell!~

VIPER: Ssshut up!

CROWD: [singing] ~He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!~

EWON: Quickly, sir! Come this way!!!

VINCE: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]

EWON: Dramatically sir?

VINCE: Dramatically!!!! [crash] [Vince hovers on chandelier] Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?

Scene 18

[clop clop]

RAZOR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!

[dramatic chord]

CRONE: Who sent you?

RAZOR: The Knights Who Say Ni.

CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.

RAZOR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `Ni!'.

CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!

RAZOR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Ni!

CRONE: No! Never! No shrubs!

RAZOR: Ni!

RICK: Noo! Noo!

RAZOR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'ni!'.

RICK: Noo!

RAZOR: No, no -- 'ni!'. You're not doing it properly.

RICK: Noo! Ni!

RAZOR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.

RAZOR and RICK: Ni! Ni!

JAKE: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?

RAZOR: Um, yes.

JAKE: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `ni' at will to old ladies. ... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.

RAZOR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?

JAKE: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Jake the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

RICK: Ni!

RAZOR: No! No, no, no! No!