Scene 19
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
BLADEA: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
RAZOR: What is that?
BLADEA: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
RANDOM: Ni!
BLADEA: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-ni.
RANDOM: Ni!
BLADEA: Therefore, we must give you a test.
RAZOR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?
BLADEA: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: Not another shrubbery!
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni!
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: We shall do no such thing!
BLADEA: Oh, please!
RAZOR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
BLADEA: Don't say that word.
RAZOR: What word?
BLADEA: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
RAZOR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
RAZOR: What, `is'?
BLADEA: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.
RICK: My liege, it's Sir Speedy!
FELINA (singing): ~Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge~
RAZOR: Oh, Speedy!
SPEEDY: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: He said the word!
RAZOR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Bicket?
FELINA (singing): ~He is sneaking away and buggering off-~
SPEEDY: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
BLADEA: He said the word again!
SPEEDY: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
SPEEDY: Uh, here, here in this forest.
RAZOR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
RAZOR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: Oh! He said it again!
RAZOR: Patsy!
BLADEA: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude:
CHANCE: And so Christopher and Rick and Sir Speedy set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old kat had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Vince and Jax, and there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay! Yay!
CHANCE: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Speedy's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay!
CHANCE: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...
Scene 20
RAZOR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
[various pyrotechnics]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
ALUCARD: I... am an enchanter.
RAZOR: By what name are you known?
ALUCARD: There are some who call me... Al?
RAZOR: Greetings, Al the Enchanter.
ALUCARD: Greetings, King Christopher!
RAZOR: You know my name?
ALUCARD: I do. [whoosh] You seek the Holy Bicket!
RAZOR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Al.
ALUCARD: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[applause]
RAZOR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Bicket. Our quest is to find the Holy Bicket.
KNIGHTS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.
RAZOR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
RICK: We have been for some time.
SPEEDY: Ages.
RAZOR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...
JAX: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom]
RAZOR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
ALUCARD: A what...?
RAZOR: A b--, a b--
ALUCARD: A Bicket?!
RAZOR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
ALUCARD: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]
RAZOR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
ALUCARD: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Bicket.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
ALUCARD: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Bicket.
RAZOR: Where could we find this cave, O Al?
ALUCARD: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
RAZOR: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
JAX: They're nervous sire
RAZOR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
ALUCARD: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
RAZOR: Right! Keep me covered.
JAX: What with?
RAZOR: Just keep me covered.
ALUCARD: Too late!
[chord]
RAZOR: What?
ALUCARD: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
ALUCARD: There!
RAZOR: What, behind the cat?
ALUCARD: It is the cat!
RAZOR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
ALUCARD: Well, that's no ordinary cat. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered feline you ever set eyes on.
SPEEDY: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
ALUCARD: Look, that cat's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
JAX: Get stuffed!!!
ALUCARD: It'll do you up a treat, mate!
JAX: Oh yeah??
SPEEDY: You mangy Scot's git!
ALUCARD: I'm warning you!
SPEEDY: What's he do, nibble your bum?
ALUCARD: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
RAZOR: Go on, Tristam. Chop his head off!
TRISTAM: Right! Silly little bleeder. One kitty stew comin' right up!
ALUCARD: Look!
[squeak]
TRISTAM: Aaaugh!
[chord]
RAZOR: Jesus Christ!
ALUCARD: I warned you!
SPEEDY: I done it again!
ALUCARD: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little kitty, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--
RAZOR: Oh, shut up!
ALUCARD: --But do they listen to me?--
RAZOR: Right!
ALUCARD: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
ALUCARD: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
RAZOR: Right. How many did we lose?
VINCE: Gawain...
JAX: Ector
RAZOR: And Tristam . That's five.
JAX: Three, sir.
RAZOR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that cat's dynamite.
SPEEDY: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
RAZOR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
JAX: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
RAZOR: Like what?
JAX: Well,....
VINCE: Have we got bows?
RAZOR: No
VINCE: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
RAZOR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Sister Wildfire carries with her! Sister Wildfire! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work
VINCE: I know not my liege.
RAZOR: Consult the book of armaments.
WILDFIRE: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BASTET: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
WILDFIRE: Skip a bit, Sister.
BASTET: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
WILDFIRE: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
RAZOR: Right! One... two... five!
JAX: Three sir.
RAZOR: Three!
[boom]
RAZOR: Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
BLADEA: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
RAZOR: What is that?
BLADEA: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
RANDOM: Ni!
BLADEA: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-ni.
RANDOM: Ni!
BLADEA: Therefore, we must give you a test.
RAZOR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?
BLADEA: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: Not another shrubbery!
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Ni!
BLADEA: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
RAZOR: We shall do no such thing!
BLADEA: Oh, please!
RAZOR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
BLADEA: Don't say that word.
RAZOR: What word?
BLADEA: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
RAZOR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
RAZOR: What, `is'?
BLADEA: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.
RICK: My liege, it's Sir Speedy!
FELINA (singing): ~Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge~
RAZOR: Oh, Speedy!
SPEEDY: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: He said the word!
RAZOR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Bicket?
FELINA (singing): ~He is sneaking away and buggering off-~
SPEEDY: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
BLADEA: He said the word again!
SPEEDY: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
SPEEDY: Uh, here, here in this forest.
RAZOR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
RAZOR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
BLADEA: Oh! He said it again!
RAZOR: Patsy!
BLADEA: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude:
CHANCE: And so Christopher and Rick and Sir Speedy set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old kat had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Vince and Jax, and there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay! Yay!
CHANCE: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Speedy's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay!
CHANCE: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...
Scene 20
RAZOR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
[various pyrotechnics]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
ALUCARD: I... am an enchanter.
RAZOR: By what name are you known?
ALUCARD: There are some who call me... Al?
RAZOR: Greetings, Al the Enchanter.
ALUCARD: Greetings, King Christopher!
RAZOR: You know my name?
ALUCARD: I do. [whoosh] You seek the Holy Bicket!
RAZOR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Al.
ALUCARD: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[applause]
RAZOR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Bicket. Our quest is to find the Holy Bicket.
KNIGHTS: Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm.
RAZOR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
RICK: We have been for some time.
SPEEDY: Ages.
RAZOR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...
JAX: Look, can you tell us wh-- [boom]
RAZOR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
ALUCARD: A what...?
RAZOR: A b--, a b--
ALUCARD: A Bicket?!
RAZOR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
ALUCARD: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]
RAZOR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
ALUCARD: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Bicket.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
ALUCARD: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Caerbannorg -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Rheged [boom] make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Bicket.
RAZOR: Where could we find this cave, O Al?
ALUCARD: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
RAZOR: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
JAX: They're nervous sire
RAZOR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
ALUCARD: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
RAZOR: Right! Keep me covered.
JAX: What with?
RAZOR: Just keep me covered.
ALUCARD: Too late!
[chord]
RAZOR: What?
ALUCARD: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
ALUCARD: There!
RAZOR: What, behind the cat?
ALUCARD: It is the cat!
RAZOR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
ALUCARD: Well, that's no ordinary cat. That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered feline you ever set eyes on.
SPEEDY: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
ALUCARD: Look, that cat's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
JAX: Get stuffed!!!
ALUCARD: It'll do you up a treat, mate!
JAX: Oh yeah??
SPEEDY: You mangy Scot's git!
ALUCARD: I'm warning you!
SPEEDY: What's he do, nibble your bum?
ALUCARD: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
RAZOR: Go on, Tristam. Chop his head off!
TRISTAM: Right! Silly little bleeder. One kitty stew comin' right up!
ALUCARD: Look!
[squeak]
TRISTAM: Aaaugh!
[chord]
RAZOR: Jesus Christ!
ALUCARD: I warned you!
SPEEDY: I done it again!
ALUCARD: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little kitty, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always--
RAZOR: Oh, shut up!
ALUCARD: --But do they listen to me?--
RAZOR: Right!
ALUCARD: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
ALUCARD: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
RAZOR: Right. How many did we lose?
VINCE: Gawain...
JAX: Ector
RAZOR: And Tristam . That's five.
JAX: Three, sir.
RAZOR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that cat's dynamite.
SPEEDY: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
RAZOR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
JAX: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
RAZOR: Like what?
JAX: Well,....
VINCE: Have we got bows?
RAZOR: No
VINCE: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
RAZOR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Sister Wildfire carries with her! Sister Wildfire! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! [singing] How does it, uh... how does it work
VINCE: I know not my liege.
RAZOR: Consult the book of armaments.
WILDFIRE: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BASTET: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
WILDFIRE: Skip a bit, Sister.
BASTET: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
WILDFIRE: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
RAZOR: Right! One... two... five!
JAX: Three sir.
RAZOR: Three!
[boom]
