Scene 22
RAZOR: There!! Look!!
VINCE: What does it say?
JAX: What language is that?
RAZOR: Sister Wildfire, you're our scholar!
WILDFIRE: It's Vintain!
JAX: Of course! Ahohe of Vinta!
VINCE: Course!
RAZOR: What does it say?
WILDFIRE: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Ahohe of Vinta. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Bicket in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
RAZOR: What?
WILDFIRE: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
RICK: What is that?
WILDFIRE: He must have died while carving it.
VINCE: Oh, come on!
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what it says.
RAZOR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
JAX: Perhaps he was dictating.
RAZOR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
WILDFIRE: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
VINCE: Aauuggghhh.
RAZOR: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh
RICK: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
JAX: Where's that?
RICK: Germany, I think.
VINCE: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
RAZOR: No, that's Saint Ives.
VINCE: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
RICK: Oooohoohohooo!
VINCE: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
RICK: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
VINCE: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
RICK: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
RAZOR: Ooooh!!
JAX: My Hod!!
[roar]
WILDFIRE: It's the legendary Tyrano Kat of aaauuugh!
[Sister Wildfire gets eaten]
RAZOR: Run away!
ALL: Run away! Run away!
[roar]
CHANCE: As the horrendous Tyrano Kat lunged forward, escape for Christopher and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, Bladea and her Knights who until recently said Ni broke out of the computer realm! Brimstone, being the first thing they saw, suffered a fatal run-by shaving. [GAH!]
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! [run off]
CHANCE: The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for the Holy Bicket could continue.
Scene 23
RAZOR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
SPEEDY: Oh, great.
RAZOR: Look!! There's the old kat from Scene 24!
RICK: What is he doing here?
RAZOR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
JAX: Three questions
RAZOR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
JAX: Three Questions
RAZOR: Three questions may cross in safety.
SPEEDY: What if you get a question wrong?
RAZOR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
SPEEDY: Oh, I won't go.
JAX: Who's going to answer the questions?
RAZOR: Sir Speedy!
SPEEDY: Yes?
RAZOR: Brave Sir Speedy, you go.
SPEEDY: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Vince go?
VINCE: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--
RAZOR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--
JAX: Three questions
RAZOR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
VINCE: I understand, my liege.
RAZOR: Good luck, brave Sir Vince. Hod be with you.
KAIN: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
VINCE: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KAIN: What is your name?
VINCE: My name is Sir Vince of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
VINCE: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is your favorite color?
VINCE: Blue.
KAIN: Right. Off you go.
VINCE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
SPEEDY: That's easy!
KAIN: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
SPEEDY: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KAIN: What is your name?
SPEEDY: Sir Speedy of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
SPEEDY: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is the capital of Assyria?
SPEEDY: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KAIN: Stop! What is your name?
JAX: Sir Jax of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
JAX: I seek the Bicket.
KAIN: What is your favorite color?
JAX: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
KAIN: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
RAZOR: It is Christopher, King of the Britons.
KAIN: What is your quest?
RAZOR: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen toucan?
RAZOR: What do you mean? An African or European toucan?
KAIN: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
RICK: How do you know so much about toucans?
RAZOR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
Scene 24
RAZOR: Vince! Vince! Vince!
RICK: Vince! Vince!
RAZOR: Vince! Vince!
RICK: Vince! Vince!
[angels singing]
RAZOR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! Hod be praised! Almighty Hod, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!
RIKKI: 'ello, speddy English kniggets and Herr Christopher-King, who has the brain of a palm tree, you know! So, we German fellows out-wit you a second time!
RAZOR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Hod himself has guided us!
RIKKI: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a pooltable-maker! So, you think you could out-clever us German folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric beagle bottom biters.
RAZOR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
RIKKI: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
RAZOR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Hod and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!
RIKKI: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
RAZOR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
RIKKI: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Speddy English kniggets! Thpppt!
RAZOR: We shall attack at once!
RICK: Yes, my liege!
RAZOR: Stand by for attack!
[troops gather from out of nowhere]
RAZOR: German persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Hod we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Bicket returns to those whom Hod has chosen. Charge!!!!
TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!!
[police arrive]
DR. SINIAN: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
COM. FERAL: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
DR. SINIAN: Get that one.
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
COM. FERAL: Put this kat in the van.
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.
RICK: With whom?
COM. FERAL: Which one?
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.
COM. FERAL: Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.
RANDOM: Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM: Ooh.
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
COM. FERAL: Everything?
[squeak]
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
CAMERAMAN: Christ!
RAZOR: There!! Look!!
VINCE: What does it say?
JAX: What language is that?
RAZOR: Sister Wildfire, you're our scholar!
WILDFIRE: It's Vintain!
JAX: Of course! Ahohe of Vinta!
VINCE: Course!
RAZOR: What does it say?
WILDFIRE: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Ahohe of Vinta. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Bicket in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
RAZOR: What?
WILDFIRE: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
RICK: What is that?
WILDFIRE: He must have died while carving it.
VINCE: Oh, come on!
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what it says.
RAZOR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!
WILDFIRE: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
JAX: Perhaps he was dictating.
RAZOR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
WILDFIRE: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
VINCE: Aauuggghhh.
RAZOR: Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh
RICK: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
JAX: Where's that?
RICK: Germany, I think.
VINCE: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
RAZOR: No, that's Saint Ives.
VINCE: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
RICK: Oooohoohohooo!
VINCE: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
RICK: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
VINCE: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
RICK: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
RAZOR: Ooooh!!
JAX: My Hod!!
[roar]
WILDFIRE: It's the legendary Tyrano Kat of aaauuugh!
[Sister Wildfire gets eaten]
RAZOR: Run away!
ALL: Run away! Run away!
[roar]
CHANCE: As the horrendous Tyrano Kat lunged forward, escape for Christopher and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, Bladea and her Knights who until recently said Ni broke out of the computer realm! Brimstone, being the first thing they saw, suffered a fatal run-by shaving. [GAH!]
BLADEA & KNIGHTS: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! [run off]
CHANCE: The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for the Holy Bicket could continue.
Scene 23
RAZOR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
SPEEDY: Oh, great.
RAZOR: Look!! There's the old kat from Scene 24!
RICK: What is he doing here?
RAZOR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--
JAX: Three questions
RAZOR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
JAX: Three Questions
RAZOR: Three questions may cross in safety.
SPEEDY: What if you get a question wrong?
RAZOR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
SPEEDY: Oh, I won't go.
JAX: Who's going to answer the questions?
RAZOR: Sir Speedy!
SPEEDY: Yes?
RAZOR: Brave Sir Speedy, you go.
SPEEDY: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Vince go?
VINCE: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--
RAZOR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--
JAX: Three questions
RAZOR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
VINCE: I understand, my liege.
RAZOR: Good luck, brave Sir Vince. Hod be with you.
KAIN: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
VINCE: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KAIN: What is your name?
VINCE: My name is Sir Vince of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
VINCE: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is your favorite color?
VINCE: Blue.
KAIN: Right. Off you go.
VINCE: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
SPEEDY: That's easy!
KAIN: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
SPEEDY: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KAIN: What is your name?
SPEEDY: Sir Speedy of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
SPEEDY: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is the capital of Assyria?
SPEEDY: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KAIN: Stop! What is your name?
JAX: Sir Jax of Camelot.
KAIN: What is your quest?
JAX: I seek the Bicket.
KAIN: What is your favorite color?
JAX: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
KAIN: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
RAZOR: It is Christopher, King of the Britons.
KAIN: What is your quest?
RAZOR: To seek the Holy Bicket.
KAIN: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen toucan?
RAZOR: What do you mean? An African or European toucan?
KAIN: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
RICK: How do you know so much about toucans?
RAZOR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
Scene 24
RAZOR: Vince! Vince! Vince!
RICK: Vince! Vince!
RAZOR: Vince! Vince!
RICK: Vince! Vince!
[angels singing]
RAZOR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! Hod be praised! Almighty Hod, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!
RIKKI: 'ello, speddy English kniggets and Herr Christopher-King, who has the brain of a palm tree, you know! So, we German fellows out-wit you a second time!
RAZOR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Hod himself has guided us!
RIKKI: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a pooltable-maker! So, you think you could out-clever us German folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... you cheesy lot of second hand electric beagle bottom biters.
RAZOR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
RIKKI: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
RAZOR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Hod and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!
RIKKI: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
RAZOR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
RIKKI: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Speddy English kniggets! Thpppt!
RAZOR: We shall attack at once!
RICK: Yes, my liege!
RAZOR: Stand by for attack!
[troops gather from out of nowhere]
RAZOR: German persons! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Hod we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Bicket returns to those whom Hod has chosen. Charge!!!!
TROOPS: Charge!!!!!!!!!
[police arrive]
DR. SINIAN: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
COM. FERAL: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
DR. SINIAN: Get that one.
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
COM. FERAL: Put this kat in the van.
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.
RICK: With whom?
COM. FERAL: Which one?
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.
COM. FERAL: Come on. Put him in the van.
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.
RANDOM: Ahh.
[squeak]
RANDOM: Ooh.
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
COM. FERAL: Everything?
[squeak]
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
[crash]
CAMERAMAN: Christ!
