Going Nowhere
Part 3, the third part
Disclaimer is : I don't own Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon
this was written by TT17
I take all the blame and none of the glory
contact_ tomturbo17

Begin Fanfiction:

Sailor Sun and Sailor Earth were enjoying some tea. Now just so you all know, Sailor Sun is actually Mary-Sue, a beautiful wonderful perfect girl. Or maybe Batman. I read an essay once about that, and I have to agree a bit. And Sailor Earth, she is actually Tara, the long lost sister's second friend's cousin twice removed person who is sort of related to Tuxedo Mask.

Right.

And so there they are, enjoying their tea, in a cute little cafe. Hooray cafe!
And look! Sailor Earth is enjoying a lovely muffin as well. Mary Sue is also having a muffin, but because she's perfect her muffin is low fat. Go Mary Sue go go, we're right behind you.

It began to dawn on Mercury that she was acting in a very strange way. She leaned on the side of the building and sighed. "I am acting strange." She said out loud and to nobody in particular. As a matter of fact, Luna heard her say it.
"Ami, are you alright?" Luna then said to Ami.
"Oh my God..."
"Ami?" Luna asked again.
"Oh my GOD!" Ami said with more emphasis.
"WHAT?!" Luna was quite startled. (Just how Luna got to this scene...I...don't...know...but she's here now, so live with it)
"OH MY-"
"Oh you're God, you're God, we know, we know Ami! But, what's WRONG?!" The cat known as Luna asked.
Ami began to huddle into a ball and whimper uncontrollably...she was in a state very similar to senshi Uranus.
"You're talking to me...you're a CAT...and you're talking to me!" Ami finally managed to choke out.
Luna...who was a cat, a cat that was talking to Ami...nodded in agreement. "Yes, I am a cat, a cat who's talking to you. I've always talked to you, Ami!"
"No you haven't! Usagi was just showing off her ventriloquist skills!" Ami began to go into nervous breakdown mode. Luna stared in disbelief.
There was some quietness.
And then...there was Luna...screaming...
"USAGI IS NOT A VENTRILOQUIST!"
Ami shook her head furiously..."I'm not hearing you, la la la la la..."
"Ami-chan, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting this way?" Luna was still all disbelieving.
"CATS DON'T TALK! They don't have the vocal chord structures for speech! Oh my God, the cat is TALKING to me!" Ami now officially went into meltdown. She ran off in the general direction of somewhere into the middle of the city...
Luna...was...still disbelieving. But she knew something had to be done.

Makoto was in a similar situation as Luna. She sat in disbelief at what Minako was doing.
"Mina-chan...that's not PIE...that's pie..."
"Right, pie...you said pie..." Mina nodded.
Makoto shook her head no. "Not oreo pie, damnit! PIE! Like...pie!"
"Pi R squared?" Minako asked.
"Sure, just not...not oreo pie..."
The two sat in silence for a moment. Minako then huffed. "Fine!" She said as she left the room. Makoto felt bad for a moment. Then the hunger or craving or whatever you want to call it returned...and she followed Minako into the kitchen. It was too late to make a pie...maybe they could go to some cute little cafe and buy some pie. Maybe...

Rei's scone was partially delicious. She was sort of wishing it was magically delicious. But scones don't come with marshmallows. It's a shame...when she was little...well...she never ate scones when she was little, so why did she think marshmallows would go good with a scone? She didn't know.
Anyway, her mind said to her, at least that god-awful singer stopped singing and was now just plunking away at his guitar. "Art!" She huffed. "Who needs it!"
"I do..."
The voice was...
Rei did a one eighty.
"Michiru-san? Haruka-san?" Rei said in disbelief. (It's common in Tokyo, it catches like the plague.)
Michiru and Haruka said HI. Rei said she was sorry. She then took a bit of her scone and felt a little embarrassed about the whole ordeal. Even though, seriously, there was no ordeal. Rei was just tired. That's all. Really.

In another part of the cafe Sailor Earth spilled her tea. Sailor Sun felt sad for the poor girl.

Ami was running as far as her legs would take her. That was exactly halfway across Tokyo. Well...twenty feet from halfway across Tokyo really...but at that point her legs gave out and she fell over and finally untransformed...in the middle of the street.
A child screamed at this.
Luckily by the time everyone turned around Ami was in her street clothes again...and not all...surrounded by ribbons.
A very polite police man walked over to the collapsed girl and started to tap her on the head.
"Miss?...Miss?"
Ami continued to lay face down.
"Uh...Miss?" tap tap tap...
Ami stirred a little.
"Miss, are you alright?"
"Schnow, ahm ehmee..."
The polite police guy grimaced and asked again. "Are you alright?"
"NO...I'm...AMI!"
The polite police guy nodded. "Should've guessed...you know that Ami is the second most popular name for girls in Japan?" (Wait, did I make that up or read that somewhere?)
Ami finally managed to sit upright. She looked at Mr. Policeman...he was rather handsome.
"What?"
The polite police guy nodded some more. "Yeah...In Japan...Ami is the second most popular name for girls..." Mr. Police guy swallowed hard. "Anyway...are you okay?"
Ami nodded headily... "Okay..."
The polite police man silently wished that these drunks would clear off the street.

Makoto and Minako took a seat in a nice little cafe. They ordered some coffee. The coffee arrived rather quickly. This cafe was renowned for its great service, after all.
Across from them sat Rei. And near her sat Haruka and Michiru.
What a coincidence! They all exclaimed once they all realized they had all come to the exact same cafe. What a coincidence it was, and what a coincidence is what they proclaimed it to be.
All except Haruka. She was kind of jittery.

Just then, because we need it...a monster attacked. The monster also just so happened to attack right outside the quaint little cafe where all our heroes have converged at. Well, except for Usagi and Mamoru, but that's because they're at the hospital. And also Ami, Ami's not here. She's not here because she's being interrogated by an overworked underpaid social worker police man guy.

Right, so monster. Oooh, he's ugly.

"ROAR!" Roared the monster.
"AAAAH!" Screamed the innocent bystanders as their life energy was mercilessly sucked away from them.
"EVERYONE! TRANSFORM!" Commanded the handsome white cat.

[insert gratuitous transformation scene here]

Sailor Earth, or Tara, or whatever the hell her name is this time, dropped her tea again.
Sailor Sun sighed at the poor girl.
"Well," She thought, "Not all can be as perfect as I."
"There's a big monster out there, Mary Sue. Should we go fight it?" Tara whined, because she always whines.
Mary Sue nibbled at her low-fat muffin. When she was done nibbling, a way of eating that resulted in no crumbs being spilt, she answered her less than spectacular friend Tara.
"We should go assist the Sailor Senshi. It would be beneficial to them to learn of our great power and to be aided magnificently by our own endeavors."

Tara sat completely stone-faced.

Mary Sue sighed. It was so hard to communicate with lower life forms.

"LET'S GO KICK ASS!" She then shouted.
"Oh, goody!" Tara exclaimed!

[insert another gratuitous transformation scene here, only this one has better music, and cooler transformations...or something]

"ROAR!" The monster roared again.
Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune rolled their eyes at the monster. He was SO lame, it was not even funny.
Sailor Jupiter laughed. Sailor Venus asked her what was funny. Jupiter responded that the monster was really really LAME, and she couldn't help but laugh. Uranus and Neptune then rolled their eyes at Jupiter for being so childish as to laugh at the monster.
Meanwhile, the monster roared some more.
Go monster, go go.

Ami's mother was very upset with her. She had had to leave her very high demanding job for the time being to come pick Ami up at the local police station area.
Ami's mother communicated her upset feelings by staying perfectly calm, and by smiling serenely.
It was scary as Hell.
No really, it was. This was worse than a jittery Haruka. I mean, think about it, here we have a mother, getting pulled away from work to pick up her sort of still drunk daughter from the police station. And there's no yelling. Boy...that's gotta be scary for Ami.

"ROAR!" The monster roared once more, getting a little impatient now at being ignored.
"Oh, sorry, sorry..." The Senshi apologized.
Mars attacked first, because she was tired and wanted to get this done with and go home as soon as possible.
"BURNING MANDALA!" She shouted, and rings of fire smashed into the big ugly...third monster of the day.
No one found it odd that this was the third monster that had attacked that day.
The monster grunted and fell over. The senshi rejoiced.
The monster then got back up, and said, "ROAR!"
The senshi gasped.
Uranus, who was jittery, ran forward and kicked the monster.
Then Neptune kicked it.
The monster.
Neptune kicked the monster.
That's what she...anyway...
After some more kicking and screaming and roaring, the monster threw his hands up, and exclaimed-

Ami hung her head in shame. She admitted it was bad to get drunk. That was a good thing, because the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, said Ami's mom.
Ami's mother is so smart, no wonder Ami's a genius.

Jupiter and Venus were having a petty argument again. Usually they argue about boys...but they weren't arguing about boys this time. They were arguing about which is better, the anime, or the manga?
Jupiter said the Anime had better quality, even if there were lots of filler episodes.
Venus said the Manga was better because there was better characterization.
Mars wondered what story they were talking about.
Uranus and Neptune continued to kick and punch the monster, who was getting the smack down of his life, that's for sure!

And then suddenly...

Jupiter and Venus stopped arguing when they heard...

THE ACCORDION OF FAITH! playing the lovely tune of
'I'M BETTER THAN YOU EVER WILL BE!'

Yes, fans and fanicites! It's the appearance music of that wonderful super duper caricature...SAILOR SUN!

And her often over-looked sidekick Sailor Earth.

"I have come here on a mission of one, Soldiers of the world. To bring about peace by destruction is wrong. We should all realize my amazing skill and stand in awe of my goddess-like ability and..." Sailor Sun began to drone.
[insert the rest of her speech and a description of her amazing fuku right here]

"Ah, screw it." Jupiter said. And with that, she turned to the monster, and threw her hands in the air.
"SUPER CLOSET CASE SUPREME THUNDER BASHING YOU YO!"
She shouted, and lightning rained down from the heaven, but it only rained in the vicinity of the monster, who was then sufficiently electrocuted...

Needless to say, the monster died.

But, I said it anyway.

Ami thought about changing her name. She thought about it for a good ten seconds. She then thought about pie. Pie would be really good right now.

Uranus patted Jupiter on the back.
"That was great, that attack was great, I so underestimated your power, that was great, I loved it, great great great..."
Uranus rambled and rambled and rambled.
Neptune silently made a mental note to never ever let Uranus have caffeine, white chocolate, or bourbon with a shot of whiskey ever again.
It made her far too jittery.
However, Sailor Sun was not taking the victory as well as the others.
"They...they did not need me and my perfectness." She stammered.
"Perfectness is not a word according to Microsoft Works Word Processor." Sailor Earth pointed out.
Sailor Sun breathed in heavily...pondered how stupid the word passionately sounds when used as an adjective, and then screamed.
Very very loudly.
She then ran off to the hills, shocked by the fact that she wasn't needed.

Sailor Earth didn't know what to do, so she went into the recording business. She made a best-selling album called, "Sidekick no more" which went double platinum in fifty three countries around the world.

Meanwhile, Ami is learning to deal with her drinking problem.
Minako and Makoto are dealing with fans that write nasty flames about couples that shouldn't exist simply because they're not canon.
And Rei is thinking about selling the temple so that she can go on to become a successful businesswoman.
Haruka is much less jittery ever since Michiru took the coffee away.
Hotaru wasn't even in this fic yet.
Neither was Chibi-Usa.
Mamoru was kind of there, as was Usagi, but not very much.

And Pluto is probably the only one that knows why all these monsters keep attacking.

Maybe I should let you know, too.
Ok, I can do that.

-
HA! ONE DAY, when sleep eludes me again, more shall be written! AND again I say MORE! BWA HA HA!
*notices stares*
WHAT?
TT17
tomturbo17