Underneath it all, I really do love Hooper. But I'm not in love with him. I could realistically spend the rest of my life with him and be happy, but it's not something i would have ever dreamed. We've got a lot in common. More
than people would think. Stating the obvious, we're both into comics. That was always a stipulation of mine. It's why I started Bluntman & Chronic with Holden. I thought it would be a sure fire way to hold on to him. Hooper and I also pretend to be someone we aren't in public just to uphold an image for said comics. He pretends to hate white people, meanwhile he's dating one, and I... well I still kinda let my confusion rule my personality. I'll spout endless gay jokes while I myself struggle with coming to terms with who I am. Me and Hoop just get along. And I love him, very deeply. But I'm not in love
with him.
As far as I'm concerned, I'll be in love, forever, with one man, and one man alone. Holden-fucking-McNeil. I carried a torch for this man for 20 years, even though i only knew it consciously after he and Alyssa broke up. But looking back, I've always loved him.
I often wonder why I was so stubborn. We'd had tons of fights over lesser and more major things, but we always made up in less than an hour. This time it wasn't about me. It was about that dyke Alyssa. And I was jealous. It was like he forgot I existed.
It's not like he ever liked me back. Hoop loves me and I wake up everyday to thank God for finally giving me someone who will love me and wants to love me. And as much as I love Hoop, I still always wish it was Holden. It's nothing you can understand without having been through it.
He still talks to Holden every few days. He knows how I feel about Holden, but I'm not gonna stop him from being friends with him just because we're not friends anymore. That's not fair to Hooper. All I ask is that he doesn't tell me if Holden said anything about me. It's been a long time, but it still hurts. Good or bad, I don't want to know. I just want to be happy with Hooper. He makes me happy... makes me smile... makes me happy to be alive
even. And as much as I love Holden, he never made me feel like that.
Hooper should be glad I'm not in love with him. I don't want to fall in love with him. It's been my experience that everything falls apart when you're in love. I don't want me and Hoop to fall apart. Ever.
END
than people would think. Stating the obvious, we're both into comics. That was always a stipulation of mine. It's why I started Bluntman & Chronic with Holden. I thought it would be a sure fire way to hold on to him. Hooper and I also pretend to be someone we aren't in public just to uphold an image for said comics. He pretends to hate white people, meanwhile he's dating one, and I... well I still kinda let my confusion rule my personality. I'll spout endless gay jokes while I myself struggle with coming to terms with who I am. Me and Hoop just get along. And I love him, very deeply. But I'm not in love
with him.
As far as I'm concerned, I'll be in love, forever, with one man, and one man alone. Holden-fucking-McNeil. I carried a torch for this man for 20 years, even though i only knew it consciously after he and Alyssa broke up. But looking back, I've always loved him.
I often wonder why I was so stubborn. We'd had tons of fights over lesser and more major things, but we always made up in less than an hour. This time it wasn't about me. It was about that dyke Alyssa. And I was jealous. It was like he forgot I existed.
It's not like he ever liked me back. Hoop loves me and I wake up everyday to thank God for finally giving me someone who will love me and wants to love me. And as much as I love Hoop, I still always wish it was Holden. It's nothing you can understand without having been through it.
He still talks to Holden every few days. He knows how I feel about Holden, but I'm not gonna stop him from being friends with him just because we're not friends anymore. That's not fair to Hooper. All I ask is that he doesn't tell me if Holden said anything about me. It's been a long time, but it still hurts. Good or bad, I don't want to know. I just want to be happy with Hooper. He makes me happy... makes me smile... makes me happy to be alive
even. And as much as I love Holden, he never made me feel like that.
Hooper should be glad I'm not in love with him. I don't want to fall in love with him. It's been my experience that everything falls apart when you're in love. I don't want me and Hoop to fall apart. Ever.
END
