Queen of Darkness

By IceNarcissa

Prologue

I was the smartest girl in my Fifth Year class at Hogwarts. I was probably one of the smartest girls to ever pass through Hogwarts many never-ending halls. But I'm sure you noticed that. In our Fifth Year, though, I began to change. I am writing this to tell you of what happened during that change. You deserve that much. And I am somewhat ashamed of what I have become, and the choices that I have made. But my life choices I cannot change.

This account that I've wrote, is all memories, or what I remember of those memories. I have to tell you this now, though, because soon they will come for me. Memories, they bring you pain, whether happy or sad. You don't deserve any more pain but I figured that you ought to know how everything happened and why it did. I changed without telling you why. You asked me, pleaded with me, but I just held back my tears and my anguish and refused to tell you.

You both know what I have become, and I'm not proud of it, nor are you. Even I have become afraid of me. I took risks, and with risks come losses . . . and now I have lost everything.

I write this for my two best childhood friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. You were always there for me, and like I said, I left, changed without a word, and it wasn't fair. My life has been an interesting one, but I am afraid that at age 25, it has run its course dry. I just wanted to explain, even though explanations can only hurt you now, what happened to me.

It wasn't all that bad, you see, and it was my decision, so please don't feel sorry for me. It was my fault, all that happened like it did. Don't think I'm a case of self-pity, either; you know that I'm smarter than that. Or I was, what seems like a long time ago anyway.

It hasn't been easy, but it was my choice, and maybe my mistake. To this day, however I don't know if I regret my decision or if it was for the better. I wonder if the choice I made was wrong or right. But that matters not because whichever way it would have been, I still would have had to live with it. But I just can't, it's too hard. And I must live to regret and pay for my mistakes.

I would love dearly to see my two friends again, but it's too painful, it reminds me too much of all that has happened. The memories haunt me so, day and night. And it's not just that, either, I am too ashamed, for you to see what I have become. I'm not, enough of the person I used to be to see you. So I will just write you my memories.

And you know another reason why I can't see you, Harry. If you did see me you would have to arrest me, or you will know that by the time you get this. Because now that everything has fallen, it will be traced to me, because I'm all that's left to trace.

I don't want to go to Azkaban, nor do I want you to have to put me there. I don't want to have to look into your eyes and struggle against the chains that would restrain me, the chains that would hold me from running, and from embracing you. And most of all I cannot bare your eyes looking at me in disappointment and malice. It would be worse than a lifetime in Azkaban, or even death. I will say this of the world; it may be cruel, but only cruel on your own account. More than that it is just and fair to the ones who live their lives out in it. You seeing me, or me seeing you, would never work, it would hurt the both of us too dearly.

And Ron, I do regret us not becoming what we could, and should, have been. We could have been great together, but I made those poignant decisions. A long, lost night is where we live together. It is merely a fantasy world that should have been, but will never be. That world is where I will be waiting for you, seeking you, always. But it was long too late for us, too late for our imaginary and childish love.

All I ask of the both of you, is that you forgive me. Simply forgive me. I know it might not be that easy, or seem like the right thing to do, but you have no idea how much that fact that you don't, or can't, pains me.

When I lived with the darkness, I had a certain protection. You do know what I'm talking about. You did know a little bit, whether you believed it or not. But now that everything else is gone, and it is indeed gone, I'm not safe anymore, not safe from anything, no not even you. I don't want to divulge more information about that here, though, lest it fall into the wrong hands.

They will come for me soon, this I know. I don't wish to cause you more pain, but you have to know, I owe you that much. I'm sorry if my writing is incoherent and my thoughts scrambled, but you will understand why as you read what have written for you. And I do plead with you to read it, you must know, if you never know, than what is left of my good imperishable soul will be entirely consumed by darkness, along with my physical body drowned in it.

But they, along you with you, will come for me soon. So I must put an end to it. I have to; I have to stop myself and I can't you see you again…ever…even though the battle rages within my heart and mind of an utter temptation to. I smirk at the idea, though. I know I cannot see you again. I cry mournfully as I write this, and with the deepest regret. But I . . .I became Queen. I became the Queen of Darkness.

But I must stop myself from scribbling my trivial but profound thoughts on this torn up piece of paper. I must stop myself before you come; I think you're on your way here. Yes, you're on your way, I know it. You always were the one for action. That's why now, you see, I must kill myself.

Remember me always,
Hermione