--Chapter Nine
Fatal Error was just about through with pressing buttons. Everything in the entire monitor was separated into two categories: those on the screen, and those behind the screen. The only door left open was the door between the Expert Board Flag Squadron and the Minesweeper board because, after all, that was the one door Fatal's palm pilot couldn't close while the program was open. And of course, all of the passageways inside the monitor, not linked to the screen, were still open.
This being done, the rogue int hurried back out the door from which he had entered the Beginner Squadron's lair, and proceeded to try and find the communications center of the monitor so that he could see what was happening on the screen.
"Hmm, let's see," he said, "the communications center is usually right behind the screen. I'll go up one level, and start searching the halls for the right chip."
Just then he heard a voice coming from all around him, as if it were on a loudspeaker. The voice belonged to none other than Angus DeFrag.
"Okay, Brenda, can you hear me?" he asked, "Nod your head if you can."
On the screen, a miniscule figure nodded rapidly.
"Brenda, I'm in the communications center of the monitor, so I'm going to help you through this, alright?"
Another nod.
"I've just been tapping into the computer's audio system like I always do, and a guy named Hal answered on the other side of the line. He says he can help you clear this board. First, though, Brenda, I have to ask you, is there any way you can jump on the big X in the corner and close this program?"
Brenda tried, but found that her motion was restricted to the minefield. She couldn't hit the X just as she couldn't hit the File button to close the game—or at least select the Beginner level.
Angus sighed. "Okay, don't worry, Brenda, I'll put Hal on the line for you. Take it away, Hal."
Hal the land mine picked up the microphone attached to his MP3 player; Angus had told him to get the nearest one in the music shop and use it to communicate with him.
"Um, hello?" said Hal, "I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I'm a bom—er, that is to say, I'm a resident of the Minesweeper board, and I just realized that if you step on a land mine on the board, well, many of my friends and I will die in a massive explosion, so I'm helping you out. I can tell you how to clear the Minesweeper board. Are you listening? Um, good. Here goes: start at the bottom of the board and count three spaces from the left and four spaces up. You got that? Then jump on the square."
Angus interrupted, "Alright, Hal, just wait a minute until she does all that."
Brenda did exactly as she was told, moving three steps right, four steps up, and jumping. The tile under her body gave way to reveal nothing but a blank space. Several other tiles cleared, as well.
"Okay, Hal, she's got it. What next?"
Suddenly, Hal was cut off. So was Angus. Fatal Error stood in a corner of the monitor's communication center, twirling a pair of scissors in his hand.
"Looks like your connection just got cut, buddy," Fatal said, chuckling as smoke came out through his teeth.
--
"Oh no! Don't tell me I've just been cut off! The clock is down to 800 seconds, and I have no clue how to play this game. I'm doomed!"
"No you're not."
"Who said that?"
"Up here, above the board."
Brenda looked up. To her astonishment, the smiley face was talking to her in ventriloquist-like fashion, keeping the same old smile while speaking.
"Hi, my name's Gus. You can call me 'Smiley.' I might not know exactly which spaces are safe and which aren't, but I can help you with playing the game."
"Good, 'cause I need some help right now."
"Basically, there are spaces with numbers on them all over the board. Each number indicates how many land mines are next to that space. You don't want to step on a land mine, by the way."
"I figured that much."
"Good. If you see a space that you know is a bomb, just jump on it with your right foot, but not your left. That will deactivate that bomb. The game ends when all 99 bombs are deactivated… or you die."
Brenda gulped. "I'll take the first option, thank you." She was genuinely nervous, but in a way she was grateful for Smiley's help.
"So, let me see here: this space has a one on it, and it's only touching one space that hasn't been revealed yet. So, that space must be a bomb…"
--
In the Inthole, the land mine known as "Big Oliver" had been assigned to take out the two ints that were trying to carry the sign to the monitor earlier. At last he had cornered them—not an easy task for a guy named "Big Oliver" against two fast little ints. But here he was, closing in on them after they had reached a dead end.
Int A: Aaaah! No! We're trapped, Joey!
Int B: I can see that, but there's nothing I can do about it!
Oliver: (walking ever closer) You're going down!
Int A: No! Please have mercy, Mr. Land Mine, sir. We never did anything to deserve any punishment!
Int B: Here, I have some sandwich material in my pocket. Would you like a sandwich?
Oliver: What's on it?
Int B: Let's see, there's lettuce, tomato, cheese, ham—all made of silicon, of course, for that healthy int and land mine diet… yeah. All land mines love silicon, right? Heh heh.
Oliver: Does it have Miracle Whip on it?
Int B: I don't think so.
Oliver: In that case, you're dead!
Int B: Darn those truth-telling Miracle Whip commercials!
Oliver advances on the ints, but is all of a sudden stopped in his tracks. He is fading out.
Oliver: Wha-what's happening? I'm being deactivated! No! (his speech and movements become jerky motions, as if he is resisting some sort of unseen force) Dynamite… neutralized… Fuse link to game board… cut off… Bomb-like intimidating character and mojo… going… going… gone.
Oliver falls to the floor, unconscious.
Int A: Do you think he had a heart attack?
Int B: There's only one way to find out.
Int A: What's that?
Int B: Well, I saw on a Charlie Brown cartoon that you have to pound him on the nose.
Int A: Does this guy have a nose?
Int B: Good question. I say we just leave him here.
Int A: Agreed.
They are about to walk away when Oliver gets up and smiles at the ints congenially.
Int A: AAAAH! HE'S BACK! DEAD MINE WALKING! DEAD MINE WALKING!
Oliver: Hello, my little int friends. It's so nice to see you today. Would you please tell me what all you are yelling about?
Int A: (blank expression on his face) What did he say?
Int B: I think he's gone mad.
Oliver: No, I'm not mad. I'm me again. Normally, land mines such as myself are nice, gentle creatures. But whenever we're hooked up to the Minesweeper game, we get angry. I just got deactivated, which means I'm nice again now.
Int A: You don't say.
Int B: So, do you want that sandwich now?
Oliver: Does it have mayonnaise on it?
Int B: It's really more of a Dijon sauce.
Oliver: Grey Poupon?
Int B: No.
Oliver: WHAT?! That's it, ya little squirt, you're dead!
The ints run past Oliver out into the open. Oliver chases them, chanting "No Miracle Whip and no Grey Poupon make Oliver an angry bomb" à la The Shining.
Int A: (to Int B) You know, you really ought to use some higher quality condiments on your food. That's the second time this week someone's attacked you for not having Grey Poupon.
Int B: Hey, that's not true! The first time it was because I went to that Palamer house for a formal dinner and, in a western accent, asked the hostess to "please pass the jelly."
--
Brenda was getting the hang of this Minesweeper game. But now she was struck with a dilemma: there were only nine spaces left, forming a perfect square in the box, but all of the outer ones seemed to be bombs.
"Hmm, what do you think I should do, Gus? There are eight bombs remaining, and nine spaces. And because of the formation of numbers, I know that all of the ones attached to a number on the screen are land mines. Which one of the remaining four spaces should I choose?"
Gus shrugged at this question, that is to say, he would have if he had shoulders.
"I don't know," said Gus, "Maybe you should wait and see if your friend in the communication center can get back the phone line. Then he could tell you which space is safe."
"Oh, I hope he hurries," said Brenda, "There are only 100 seconds left!"
99, 98, 97…
--End chapter nine--
