Eye of the Storm
1.1 Chapter VII
Li had seemed to get better in the first few days, as she was under their constant care. However, soon the cramps returned even stronger, and Phoebe was at a loss as to what might be the cause. Eventually, she went back to the other slaves, continuing what she had started before, and cleverly questioned the medic, who obviously had not cared enough to realize that a pregnant woman had been among the slaves and had now disappeared.
From his talk with him, where she had pretended a vague interest into the matter, she had found out that such malaise could be caused by a serious deficiency in the diet. Particularly milk and fruits… She could not very well ask him for those without making him suspicious, but the girls worked out that on the ship, such commodities were rare and only reserved to the officers. Even with the supplements that Leo had provided, there was not enough of it to compensate the lengthy deficiency that she had suffered.
Throughout all this, Phoebe had taken some time to think; trying to make sense of her mixed feelings toward the Captain, but it was in vain. However, the constant in all of this was that she wanted to see him again, and now she had a perfect excuse, as they had managed to keep the truth even from Leo. Now, Cole was the only one that they could turn to, and she used it. She felt very bad at having hesitated so long, and was worried about his reaction. Nevertheless, she had no doubts that he would understand in the end…
Cole saw her coming toward the bridge with a mix of anger and excitement. All that time that he had struggled with his doubts, he had not been able to chase the hope completely. Still, when she entered, he did not go to her, nor smile or make any gesture toward her. Phoebe had been smiling, albeit weakly, but the little hint of joy vanished, as she took in his attitude. Cole had missed her so much, and yet he was so angry with her. How could he resolve this dilemma?
Phoebe hesitated a moment, unsure anymore of what she could say or do. It had all seemed so simple, so clear only a week ago, before her sisters had planted the seed of doubt in her mind. At this point, she was tempted to turn around and not look back. Yet, she remembered why she had come there in the first place, and took her courage in hands, walking slowly toward him.
"Captain," she called softly, trying to stay as calm as she could under the circumstance. He took a moment before acknowledging her, even though she was certain that he had been observing her intently until now.
"What is it," he asked, almost scornfully, and Phoebe flinched in spite of her resolve. Again, the temptation to turn around and run away was very strong. However, she had no intention of leaving until she had at least tried to plead her cause. "I need to talk to you…About our little arrangement," she added when he seemed less than thrilled. He did not need to be told twice to understand what she was talking about. However, it annoyed him that she used his own good deed against him. Or at least, that was the way he felt right then.
Looking around the bridge with some apprehension, he indicated that Phoebe should follow him into his quarters. She understood the need for discretion, but was no less worried about being alone with him at this point. Not so much afraid of him, but rather of herself. More and more through this uncomfortable reunion, she was reminded of her sisters' warning. What if it was true? Then he would again try to take advantage of her feelings…Still she had not come all this way to turn back before getting what she needed. Hesitantly, she followed him, as he was already holding the door opened for her, sporting a visibly impatient expression. Phoebe also felt the stares of the other men on the bridge with embarrassment. "What might they be thinking?" She reflected, as she entered the man's room.
Taking in the surroundings, she was distracted of her worries by what she found there. It was a sad place, austere and dark. When they had been offered the Captain's cabin, they had found the same lack of warmth in there. There was nothing superfluous, or to indicate a hobby of some kind, beside his duties. She wondered what kind of life he had outside of this ship, if any at all, and it saddened her. Her musings were interrupted by the gruff question:
"We're alone now. What is it that you want?"
Instead of answering this, she turned to him questioningly, while wondering where the man, the one who had held her in his arms only a week before, had gone.
For a brief moment, as their eyes met, she thought that she saw that man again. She almost went to him, forgetting all about her request. It had been so fleeting however, that she thought she had imagined it.
Cole watched her with just as much confusion as he had felt all week. For the briefest of moment, he'd dared hoping that her request was only a pretext to come to him, in spite of her sisters' obvious misgivings. However, he quashed this hope quickly, unwilling to suffer more because of her. Already, she was looking away and he simply waited, stifling himself against the disappointment that was sure to come.
Phoebe finally found her voice, and from the first, it confirmed his fears.
"I need something for Li. She has not been well, even with our care. I am afraid that she needs specific food that only you and the officers are afforded…"
Looking back at him, she could see the hardening in his expression, even as she was describing what she needed. It painfully increased her doubts about him. It did not help that in spite of knowing this, she still felt the need for him as strongly as she had before. She waited for his answer but this one was not forthcoming.
His silence only deepened her discomfort, as he was watching her intensely. As it prolonged, she decided that maybe there was no way to get through to him, and the anger swelled in her as well. Unwilling to endure this scrutiny for another moment, she moved toward the door, ready to leave.
He saw her move and immediately put himself between her and the door, cracking a joyless smile that somehow chilled Phoebe. "Let me by," she uttered, cursing the tremor in her voice. "I thought that you needed something," He replied coldly. "Maybe we can find a mutually beneficial arrangement…"
Phoebe took a step back, while the uneasy feeling increased.
"What are you talking about?" She asked, mostly hoping that she was wrong in her conclusions… He moved toward her purposefully, and if any doubts had still lingered in her mind, these dissipated completely.
"Stay away from me," she said, as she was again stepping back.
"What, have you changed your mind?"
"Captain, I don't know what you're talking about, but I will ask you to please let me go…" "You drive a hard bargain," Cole continued, ignoring her plea. "You got two slaves freed with a simple kiss. What will it take for you to finish what you started…?"
Phoebe did not know what appalled her more: his disgusting proposition, or the fact that she could not help wanting him still…
"How dare you!"
He became irate again, the hardness in his voice almost palpable.
"How dare YOU! You've tried to manipulate me from the first, just so that I would give you whatever you wanted. Well now, my dear, it is time for you to fulfill your part of the bargain. Then maybe, I'll consider your new request…"
"You cannot mean that," she asked incredulously. No matter what she had heard or even thought for herself, she never had truly believed that he was as vile as her sisters had described. However, in the face of such an insulting attitude, not to mention scary, she had very little doubts anymore.
"Mean what, exactly?" He answered with a cutting voice that chilled her anew. "You so called ladies are such hypocrites. The girls, whom do this for a living, at the very least, they do not play around. They want money and they give for it."
He was coming closer as he talked, and Phoebe's heart was now racing. Against her better judgement, she did not even try to flee…
"Please," she asked weakly, "please don't do this."
He looked at her in such a way, that she felt he had already undressed her in his mind. "You want something from me," he said, his tone of voice having changed from angry to something much more evocative, "and I want you. I think that we really could work this out." He took the few last steps toward her faster, as she found herself against the back wall.
She could feel his warm breath on her forehead now, and she was paralyzed. She wanted to push him away, but was afraid that touching him would haste the already powerful urge to let him take her.
"I beg of you," she said in a trembling voice, "let me go."
Until that moment, he had become certain of her treachery. Nevertheless, something in her voice reached inside of him, awaking again the desire to be loved by her. He tried very hard to push this idea away, convinced that it was simply wishful thinking. She was like all the others, manipulative. She wanted something from him, but wouldn't give anything in exchange. He wanted her so much that he felt dizzy, making it easier to quash the little voice inside. He put his hand behind her on the wall, blocking her from running away, and leaned toward her lips. Only then, did he look in her eyes and it stopped him short.
All he could see there was fear, which shamed him. However, he did not want her to see how he truly felt. He pulled back, stretching his lips in an attempt at a mocking smile. "Leave now, little girl," he said suddenly. "If you can't play adult games, don't even try…" Phoebe stared at him in confusion and consternation.
The vague smile vanished to be replaced once more by the hard stare.
"Get out now, before I change my mind…"
Phoebe felt this as a slap in the face, and it seemed to free her from the trance, as she almost ran to the door. Once there, she turned halfway, him still keeping his back to her. "I believed in you, even when my sisters were telling me otherwise. Now I know how wrong I was."
She watched somewhat expectantly, but he never even flinched, and she finally went out of the room quickly with tears in her eyes.
She was so upset that she did not even care about the knowing looks the men were giving her. Practically running out of the bridge, she almost went back to the cabin, when she suddenly stopped, realizing that her sisters would know right away that she was upset about something. She had no intention of answering those questions now. Hesitating, she instead turned toward the hatch to the lower deck. At this point, she believed that spending some time down there, with people unable to question her emotional state, was just what she needed.
Cole was frozen in place. Her last words still echoing in his mind like a storm. "What if I was wrong," he dared thinking. "What if she was sincere in the first place?" This thought alone brought him such pain and shame that he refused it. "No," he continued for himself, "she was just trying to make you feel guilty, you fool." He had wanted so much for her to be different from the women he had known. Yet, she had acted in the same fashion, even if it was for what she thought a just cause. That still left him sad and empty, knowing, as he believed that she had felt nothing for him. Finally able to move, he went to the porthole, looking out at the calm see. This one had never betrayed him. However capricious she may have been, the sea was also a faithful mistress. Usually, this would have brought back peace to his mind. Yet, he could not help thinking back to the altercation, wondering again if he had been wrong.
Nevertheless, the anger was still there, right beside the shame, preventing him from forming an opinion on the matter. Sighing, he remembered that before, he had believed her to be an honorable woman, not one to use her charms to manipulate a man like this. Now, he wondered what powerful motive could push such a woman to vilify herself so much.
Could it have been those slaves? What kind of feelings were they inspiring her? "If I knew," he thought sardonically, "then maybe, just maybe, I would understand what's in her mind." Oddly enough, even as he finally returned to his post, the thought stayed with him, as he wondered how he might find out…
For the next hour or so, he succeeded in putting a good face for the men, as it was easy enough for him to hide any feelings at all. Yet, inside the questions were continuously coming back. Her last words seeming so strange to him… She had believed in him, she said. Believed in what, he was asking himself? Believed that I cared anything at all for her precious slaves? And this always brought back the original question: what made her so interested in them, so willing to do even the worse for them? Deep down, he couldn't help thinking that she had come to him only because of them.
At last, he could not stand this anymore. He was not usually a man to question himself or his reactions. On the contrary, until he met her, he had never doubted himself at all. More than this, he thought that this kind of mental torture was for the weak. Rather than introspection, the strong preferred action to prove their worth. Maybe this was why he made the decision to go see for himself. Leaving the bridge to an ensign, he went to his cabin and changed into civilian clothing. This seemed even stranger to him, as he rarely wore anything else but his uniform. However, for what he had in mind, his usual attire would not be appropriate.
When he came back out, the men gave him passing looks, but they soon dismissed it as one more of his recent eccentricities. He went straight to the lower deck, heading for the cells, but taking care of staying out of sight. From his vantage, he could see her, with a little heartache. "So, she came here directly from the bridge, no surprise there," he thought dejectedly. She was smiling sweetly to an older man and a few kids, who were somewhat hovering around her. To see her apparently happy, just heightened his pain and longing, and he almost turned around. But then, she looked away from them, her expression almost immediately darkening. He thought that he could see sadness in her. For a moment, he wondered if he was truly responsible for this.
However, even if that were a fact, then it would be all the more difficult for her to ever forgive him. And this, he preferred not to think about, not now.
She stayed only a few more minutes before she left them, still unaware of his presence.
Cole almost left too at this point, but then he caught sight of a strange construction against the wall that had suffered the explosion. Frowning, he looked at it more carefully, and realized that, in spite of the very tight rations that slaves received, there were bowls of food on something passing for an altar. With these were objects that obviously had been personal to a number of people. What amazed him more than anything else was to recognize a hat worn by one of the handlers who had perished during the attack.
He remembered vaguely hearing how this particular sailor had seemed fonder of the slaves than the others. It was now obvious to him that this was some kind of a memorial to their dead, and it struck him more than whatever Phoebe or anyone else had done or said so far about them. For the first time, he thought of them as people, and it was a strange impression to say the least. For a long time after this, he continued observing them, watching the women seemingly in some sort of prayers at the altar.
When he finally left the lower deck, his confusion had not dissipated, far from. On the contrary, he had never felt so unsure about anything in his life…
When Phoebe returned to the cabin, she avoided the curious looks that her sisters cast her way. She did her best not to give away anything about her feelings on the matter, as she related only that she was not sure what the Captain would do about the supplements of food.
Prue questioned dubiously. "What are you talking about? How can you not know what his answer was?" Phoebe rolled her eyes, albeit out of her sister's sight.
"He would not give me a straight answer, and let's leave it at that if you don't mind." Prue still probed: "This does not make any sense Phoebe…"
Piper added: "I have to agree with Prue. How can you not know? Don't you have a vague idea? And beside, what were you doing there all this time," she finally asked, very suspiciously.
Obviously, it had been the real question that was on their lips. Phoebe supposed that they were waiting for her to make some kind of confession.
"If you must know, I was in the lower deck most of that time, and now, I have enough of this questioning. I am tired and will retire for a while. If you have to, speculate to your hearts content, but do it without me."
On this, she abruptly turned away from them, leaving both her sisters with their mouths opened and no answers. Prue turned to Piper with a totally dumbfounded expression. "What has gotten into her?"
"I am afraid that she still has some feelings for that Captain. Maybe now, however, it will be easier for her to forget, if she finally figured out how he truly is?"
"Let's hope…" Prue replied distractedly.
She had returned her gaze toward the alcove, and wondered if she should do something. Piper could see where this was going.
"Prue, I do think that Phoebe should be allowed to work this out on her own. If she needs us, we will be there for her." Prue nodded, but only half- convinced.
In the alcove, just as she had told her sisters, Phoebe lied down on her temporary cot. Li and Kari, her mother, she knew now, were very discreet even with the terrible discomfort that the pain caused Li.
They had not been there long enough to understand a word of the conversation, but they were intuitive enough to feel the tension in their benefactor's voice. They simply gave her space, somehow knowing that it was what she needed at the moment.
Phoebe had even managed to sleep for a little while, but as soon as she woke up, her disappointment and pain returned stronger than before. Until that moment, she had refused to dwell on what happened. Now however, she remembered everything vividly, particularly her own mixed feelings. She could not believe that in the face of such rudeness, she had still felt like being with him. He was the monster that she had assumed at first, so how could she feel like this?
In a way, she was angrier with herself than he. After all, she had been forewarned about him. She had simply not wanted to believe it. When she got up, it was almost dinnertime, and she heard the knock at the door that announced it. Without great enthusiasm, she looked herself up, and then moved out of the alcove. There, she found something totally unexpected. The rations that they usually received were generous, but never contained the products that she had alluded to. There, she found cheeses and a selection of fruits that were obviously not part of their regular meal.
Prue again turned questioningly toward her sister, more suspicious even than before. "Well, it would seem that we have the answer to our question right here," she said, after the steward had left.
Phoebe was simply astounded. In spite of what she had told her sister, she had not believed for a moment that he would give her what she asked for. In that instant, she dared hope however fleetingly that she had been wrong about him. Still, the memories of the afternoon came rushing back to her, and she soon assumed that it was some attempt at bringing her to him. And this, for a purpose that she did not want to think about…
She decided right then that she would not go thank him for it, as she saw some sinister meaning in it. Nevertheless, she was still grateful for the food, and hoped that the supplements would continue to arrive regularly.
The following days proved that it was not going to be a one time occurrence, since every night the meals came with the same surplus. The only problem for Phoebe was to endure the suspicious stares of not only her sisters, but also the meaningful expression that the steward harbored almost every night when bringing the meal to them. She had no doubt on what they were all thinking, knowing that the Captain had most certainly made the request personally, and that her sisters found the whole thing utterly strange coming from a man like him.
Neither Prue, nor Piper, the steward and probably not the staff in the galley, believed that he was doing this out of the goodness of his heart. This made it harder for Phoebe. Of course, she knew that she had done nothing wrong. At least, not in fact… But that did not make her feel more comfortable when facing her sisters' scrutiny.
No matter how many times they asked however, she never told them what had happened that afternoon.
Soon, Li benefited from the new diet, obviously getting better. She even helped, now able to move around as if she had never been sick. Phoebe was amazed at how quickly she had recuperated. But she was not about to tell the Captain about it either. She was convinced that if she was returned to the cells, her health would deteriorate rapidly again. At least, it gave her more time to take care of the others, and she applied herself at it zealously, as in those moments she could forget the pain and embarrassment that she had to live with every day.
Meanwhile, Cole had been doing some introspection of his own. That first night and the following ones, he had decided that in doubts, he should at least agree to what she asked for. He never expected her to thank him for it, not after what happened. Whatever her motivations were, she now had what she wanted. So, either way he doubted that she would ever even want to talk to him again.
On the other hand, that first insight into the life of the slaves had awakened a surprising curiosity in him. Almost every day afterward, he returned there, although careful to be there only when he was certain that she was not. The first few times, he just spent some time observing them from afar. However, one evening, he felt the need to see them up close with the newfound perspective that he had acquired. First, he went to the watchman and claimed a set of keys for keep. He knew of course that they would notice his coming around, but made sure that the man understood that discretion was in order. The sailor did not argue with his Captain, as he knew that Captain Turner was not one to be contradicted or questioned. Many had paid a heavy price for doing this.
In fact, many of the sailors were amazed that the first officer was still in place and in one piece, after the number of times that they had witnessed rebellion on his part. They chalked it to the definitely strange new attitude that the Captain harbored during this trip, however. Once convinced that the guard would keep his mouth shut, Cole returned toward the cell. There, however, he still hesitated. He had not brought his pistol along, maybe wanting to see what it felt like, just like she did.
Still, now about to enter this place, he felt naked without it, worried that the slaves would take their frustrations on him, which would have been understandable he now knew. Still, in the civilian clothing, a dark turtleneck and pants, he felt even more exposed, denied the relative protection of his offices.
He moved toward the cell anyway, only bringing in a flask of rum with him. He took a long sip, then resolutely opened the door and entered the cell, while trying to look infinitely more confident than he felt.
After closing the cell door behind him, he just stood stiffly there, watching the people inside, as they were observing him in turn. Again, as he thought that he recognized some hostility, he cursed himself for not having the pistol. Clutching the flask, he waited nervously, not knowing what exactly he should do from then on. While waiting, he wondered how she felt the first time that she had come in here. Was she worried like him, or did she simply trust these people implicitly. That last proposition seemed very unlikely from his point of view.
Suddenly, he became aware of an older man approaching him cautiously. The man looked just as wary as Cole felt, yet he did not make any aggressive gesture, so that Cole let him get closer without reacting.
The old man stopped in front of him, now apparently looking him up and down, which made Cole very uncomfortable. Then he extended his hand toward him and Cole reacted by lifting his arm in front of him as a pitiful defense, he knew. The old man took a step back nervously, and Cole somehow understood that he had not meant any ill.
Relaxing, he put down his arm and tried to give the man as warm a look as he could make himself. The old man seemed to appreciate, as he came closer again, and this time, when he extended his hand toward him, Cole did not react. He was surprised however to feel the flask being tugged upon.
Cole gathered that the man wanted to know what was in it, and even if he had his doubts, he handed the flask to the old man, who gingerly opened it and then put it to his lips. At the first sip, the man opened big eyes and soon started coughing loudly.
A few other black people began paying closer attention to them, and the fear returned fully for Cole, as he worried about their reaction. He observed the old man warily, expecting him to call to the others against him.
Instead, this one, once he had stopped coughing, opened his mouth in what seemed an amused smile. Turning back toward the inside of the cell, he lifted the flask and began talking in that guttural tongue that Cole had heard before, but somehow never thought of as an actual language. He realized how stupid that was then, but now was not the time to dwell on his shortcomings.
He watched, still apprehensive, as many more men, younger, approached in turn. However, he saw that the old man was obviously describing the content of the flask, as he was showing it off ostensibly.
Some of them each in turn took sips rather unceremoniously, and from the lack of adverse reaction, Cole guessed that they also had some kind of spirit in their jungle. Obviously not this rum, but still…
Having emptied the flask and obviously their curiosity, the men started back toward the center of the room, among the others. Cole began to think that his visit would have been a short one, when the old man gestured for him to follow.
This, he had not anticipated. He hesitated at length before walking slowly behind him. There, they offered him to sit among them, and to his amazement, some of their food. The meal seemed rather frugal to him obviously. Yet, he took some of it and felt strangely good at that point. Him, who never even shared a meal with his officers, was now sitting on the floor of slave's cell, with his own prisoners, and somehow managed to enjoy himself.
That night, he returned to his quarters with mixed feelings. He might have been tempted to think that those people were somewhat stupid to accept their own jailer among them as a friend. Yet, he could not think like that. He had felt a warmth among them that he could not remember feeling ever before. Their simple ways were refreshing and not in the least threatening. They did not even need to understand what he was saying, but only to enjoy his company, or so it seemed.
Many times in the next two weeks, he found himself back there, even managing to teach them a few simple games. He never went there with his uniform however, and brought rum every time, to the obvious delight of a few younger men.
Phoebe was somewhat confounded. For the last two weeks, every day she had half-expected to see him come in and to demand some kind of compensation for his continuous honoring of her request. Yet, he had not showed up, nor sent anyone to request her presence at any moment.
Oddly, this disappointed her. Every night or so, she watched her older sister slipping out of the cabin, no doubt to rejoin with Mr. McKail. This shocked her somewhat, but not as much as she would have thought. After all, she could not in all conscience be angry with Prue for this, knowing the nature of her own fantasies too well. Even now, she still had those thoughts, even more so that he did not seem to care anymore. Phoebe had always been one to go against the flow. What bothered her was that in spite of Prue's passionate nature, she had always been the responsible one among them. The one that was an example to her sisters… Yet, now, she was being wild and acted totally against conventions…
That night, Phoebe could not find sleep and she heard her sister slipping out once more. For some reason, she felt like following her, she had no idea why herself, other than she needed some distraction, and maybe to make Prue feel a little like she did.
Rapidly getting a vest, she went after her, as she knew which way she was most certainly going. Outside, she indeed saw her sister already on her way down the hatch and she followed her, taking care of staying out of sight.
Even as she was going down the stairs herself, she already knew how ridiculous she was. Maybe it was all the frustration of the last few weeks that had provoked such a juvenile idea. By the time that she got to the bottom, she also realized how reckless she was. It was already late, and although she did not fear the slaves, with whom she spent so much time, she did fear the sailors, very aware that these might find that a wandering woman at night was somehow asking for trouble.
This late at night, she had expected the place to be very quiet. Yet, just as she had made up her mind to turn back, her attention was attracted by laughter, or what she thought was laughter, coming from the direction of the cell. This might have constituted the very threat that she had feared, but she could not help being curious, and cautiously, she walked toward the sounds. When she came in sight of the cells, she saw that a white man was among the slaves, and when she recognized the man, she almost revealed herself, as she gasped in surprise…
Stepping back in the shadow, she found a way to observe the most astonishing spectacle. Captain Turner was sitting among the black people, or more specifically, he seemed to be playing some kind of dice game with a few of the men. But what really astounded her was to see him smile and even laugh. She had never seen him so relaxed, even that day on the deck when they had kissed. If she had not seen his face, she would have never believed it. She stood there, totally transfixed, watching him passing around a flask of what was obviously some kind of hard liquor, and her face contorted in an amused frown.
This lasted for over an hour, while she could not make herself leave. She waited, just like she knew he had that day before the attack. Phoebe felt it wrong to spy in this manner, but she could not help it. It was actually more fun than she had in a long time. Her pleasure was however slightly shadowed by the very fact that he seemed so much happier with them, while he had never been like this with her.
When he finally came out of the cell, she waited only until he was out of sight and followed him in the darker hallway. "So, I see that you are corrupting this poor people?" Not knowing too well what to say to him at this point in time, she had chosen this little crack.
He became very still, seemingly wondering if he had dreamt the voice.
Phoebe got impatient when he did not say anything or turned to her.
"So, are you?" She asked again, trying to get a reaction out of him. This time, he knew that he was not dreaming. What's more, in spite of the slight reproach, Cole thought that he heard amusement in her voice. How could she be there? However, he was done questioning himself, but still very reluctant to face her. In the last few weeks, he had learned a lot. Among other things, that his actions toward her had been totally unforgivable. However painful it had been for him to accept it, he had made up his mind that he could not hope for her to ever want to talk to him again.
And now, like a miracle, she was there. He did not dare look back, or even to say a word, for fear that she would go away again.
Perplexed, Phoebe moved closer, wondering if something was wrong now.
"Are you ok?"
"Do you really care," he finally asked, with a slightly broken voice that she could barely recognize. "If you mean by that, am I still angry with you? Yes, a little…"
He frowned unhappily, but somehow felt more at ease, since this seemed more real.
Turning toward her, he tried to apologize:
"I wanted to tell you…"
However, she interrupted:
"What was that?" She asked, nodding toward the cell. "That?"
"Yes, you. Them; and you playing with them? How long have you been having this double life?" He was startled by her question, but saw that she still had this amused look about her. "Not very long to tell the truth…"
More seriously this time, she probed further:
"How do you reconcile playing with them, and at the same time being the one delivering them into slavery?"
He sighed, as the question had been coming to his mind more than once in the last two weeks. "I do not. I have no idea on what to do next…"
His totally genuine answer just finished to convince her that she must have mistaken him for someone else. "Are you sure that you did not bump your head and somehow became a new person," she asked aloud.
This brought a weak smile to his lips and she thought that he suddenly looked charming. Why couldn't he smile more?
"Would that be good or bad?"
Phoebe let herself smile as well.
"From where I stand, it would very good indeed."
He stood silent for a moment longer and she saw a shadow pass across his features.
"Will you ever forgive me?"
Her smile vanished, as she contemplated her answer.
"I am not sure yet. I mean," she added quickly, seeing him frown, "a lot has happened, and I haven't had the chance to make sense of it."
A heavy silence fell between them, as they seemed lost in their own thoughts.
After a moment, Cole offered somewhat hesitantly: "Can I walk you back to your cabin?" She looked at him with a questioning stare, as if wondering what if anything he might be planning.
Seeing this, he added: "I promise you that I won't do anything to displease you."
She was still biting her lips, uncertain if she should trust him again. She had been disappointed twice already. However, he seemed so sincere that she decided to give him a chance. In the back of her mind, she had to admit that she wanted it to be the truth.
She simply came by his side, although still keeping her distance somewhat. He respected this, worried that any gesture might be construed as inappropriate. They kept silent all the way to the cabin, where he was again worried that this interlude would never happen again.
Phoebe was watching him, wondering what to say or do that might not provoke the wrong outcome. It was much too soon for them to go any further than this, or so she thought…
More than once, he was about to say something but stopped himself.
Nothing that he could think of would do. Still, neither one seemed willing to leave, as the silence prolonged while they simply waited, casting each other intense looks, then turning away with uncertainty. Who knows how much longer this would have lasted if a piercing scream, coming from inside the cabin, had not caught both their attention?
1.1 Chapter VII
Li had seemed to get better in the first few days, as she was under their constant care. However, soon the cramps returned even stronger, and Phoebe was at a loss as to what might be the cause. Eventually, she went back to the other slaves, continuing what she had started before, and cleverly questioned the medic, who obviously had not cared enough to realize that a pregnant woman had been among the slaves and had now disappeared.
From his talk with him, where she had pretended a vague interest into the matter, she had found out that such malaise could be caused by a serious deficiency in the diet. Particularly milk and fruits… She could not very well ask him for those without making him suspicious, but the girls worked out that on the ship, such commodities were rare and only reserved to the officers. Even with the supplements that Leo had provided, there was not enough of it to compensate the lengthy deficiency that she had suffered.
Throughout all this, Phoebe had taken some time to think; trying to make sense of her mixed feelings toward the Captain, but it was in vain. However, the constant in all of this was that she wanted to see him again, and now she had a perfect excuse, as they had managed to keep the truth even from Leo. Now, Cole was the only one that they could turn to, and she used it. She felt very bad at having hesitated so long, and was worried about his reaction. Nevertheless, she had no doubts that he would understand in the end…
Cole saw her coming toward the bridge with a mix of anger and excitement. All that time that he had struggled with his doubts, he had not been able to chase the hope completely. Still, when she entered, he did not go to her, nor smile or make any gesture toward her. Phoebe had been smiling, albeit weakly, but the little hint of joy vanished, as she took in his attitude. Cole had missed her so much, and yet he was so angry with her. How could he resolve this dilemma?
Phoebe hesitated a moment, unsure anymore of what she could say or do. It had all seemed so simple, so clear only a week ago, before her sisters had planted the seed of doubt in her mind. At this point, she was tempted to turn around and not look back. Yet, she remembered why she had come there in the first place, and took her courage in hands, walking slowly toward him.
"Captain," she called softly, trying to stay as calm as she could under the circumstance. He took a moment before acknowledging her, even though she was certain that he had been observing her intently until now.
"What is it," he asked, almost scornfully, and Phoebe flinched in spite of her resolve. Again, the temptation to turn around and run away was very strong. However, she had no intention of leaving until she had at least tried to plead her cause. "I need to talk to you…About our little arrangement," she added when he seemed less than thrilled. He did not need to be told twice to understand what she was talking about. However, it annoyed him that she used his own good deed against him. Or at least, that was the way he felt right then.
Looking around the bridge with some apprehension, he indicated that Phoebe should follow him into his quarters. She understood the need for discretion, but was no less worried about being alone with him at this point. Not so much afraid of him, but rather of herself. More and more through this uncomfortable reunion, she was reminded of her sisters' warning. What if it was true? Then he would again try to take advantage of her feelings…Still she had not come all this way to turn back before getting what she needed. Hesitantly, she followed him, as he was already holding the door opened for her, sporting a visibly impatient expression. Phoebe also felt the stares of the other men on the bridge with embarrassment. "What might they be thinking?" She reflected, as she entered the man's room.
Taking in the surroundings, she was distracted of her worries by what she found there. It was a sad place, austere and dark. When they had been offered the Captain's cabin, they had found the same lack of warmth in there. There was nothing superfluous, or to indicate a hobby of some kind, beside his duties. She wondered what kind of life he had outside of this ship, if any at all, and it saddened her. Her musings were interrupted by the gruff question:
"We're alone now. What is it that you want?"
Instead of answering this, she turned to him questioningly, while wondering where the man, the one who had held her in his arms only a week before, had gone.
For a brief moment, as their eyes met, she thought that she saw that man again. She almost went to him, forgetting all about her request. It had been so fleeting however, that she thought she had imagined it.
Cole watched her with just as much confusion as he had felt all week. For the briefest of moment, he'd dared hoping that her request was only a pretext to come to him, in spite of her sisters' obvious misgivings. However, he quashed this hope quickly, unwilling to suffer more because of her. Already, she was looking away and he simply waited, stifling himself against the disappointment that was sure to come.
Phoebe finally found her voice, and from the first, it confirmed his fears.
"I need something for Li. She has not been well, even with our care. I am afraid that she needs specific food that only you and the officers are afforded…"
Looking back at him, she could see the hardening in his expression, even as she was describing what she needed. It painfully increased her doubts about him. It did not help that in spite of knowing this, she still felt the need for him as strongly as she had before. She waited for his answer but this one was not forthcoming.
His silence only deepened her discomfort, as he was watching her intensely. As it prolonged, she decided that maybe there was no way to get through to him, and the anger swelled in her as well. Unwilling to endure this scrutiny for another moment, she moved toward the door, ready to leave.
He saw her move and immediately put himself between her and the door, cracking a joyless smile that somehow chilled Phoebe. "Let me by," she uttered, cursing the tremor in her voice. "I thought that you needed something," He replied coldly. "Maybe we can find a mutually beneficial arrangement…"
Phoebe took a step back, while the uneasy feeling increased.
"What are you talking about?" She asked, mostly hoping that she was wrong in her conclusions… He moved toward her purposefully, and if any doubts had still lingered in her mind, these dissipated completely.
"Stay away from me," she said, as she was again stepping back.
"What, have you changed your mind?"
"Captain, I don't know what you're talking about, but I will ask you to please let me go…" "You drive a hard bargain," Cole continued, ignoring her plea. "You got two slaves freed with a simple kiss. What will it take for you to finish what you started…?"
Phoebe did not know what appalled her more: his disgusting proposition, or the fact that she could not help wanting him still…
"How dare you!"
He became irate again, the hardness in his voice almost palpable.
"How dare YOU! You've tried to manipulate me from the first, just so that I would give you whatever you wanted. Well now, my dear, it is time for you to fulfill your part of the bargain. Then maybe, I'll consider your new request…"
"You cannot mean that," she asked incredulously. No matter what she had heard or even thought for herself, she never had truly believed that he was as vile as her sisters had described. However, in the face of such an insulting attitude, not to mention scary, she had very little doubts anymore.
"Mean what, exactly?" He answered with a cutting voice that chilled her anew. "You so called ladies are such hypocrites. The girls, whom do this for a living, at the very least, they do not play around. They want money and they give for it."
He was coming closer as he talked, and Phoebe's heart was now racing. Against her better judgement, she did not even try to flee…
"Please," she asked weakly, "please don't do this."
He looked at her in such a way, that she felt he had already undressed her in his mind. "You want something from me," he said, his tone of voice having changed from angry to something much more evocative, "and I want you. I think that we really could work this out." He took the few last steps toward her faster, as she found herself against the back wall.
She could feel his warm breath on her forehead now, and she was paralyzed. She wanted to push him away, but was afraid that touching him would haste the already powerful urge to let him take her.
"I beg of you," she said in a trembling voice, "let me go."
Until that moment, he had become certain of her treachery. Nevertheless, something in her voice reached inside of him, awaking again the desire to be loved by her. He tried very hard to push this idea away, convinced that it was simply wishful thinking. She was like all the others, manipulative. She wanted something from him, but wouldn't give anything in exchange. He wanted her so much that he felt dizzy, making it easier to quash the little voice inside. He put his hand behind her on the wall, blocking her from running away, and leaned toward her lips. Only then, did he look in her eyes and it stopped him short.
All he could see there was fear, which shamed him. However, he did not want her to see how he truly felt. He pulled back, stretching his lips in an attempt at a mocking smile. "Leave now, little girl," he said suddenly. "If you can't play adult games, don't even try…" Phoebe stared at him in confusion and consternation.
The vague smile vanished to be replaced once more by the hard stare.
"Get out now, before I change my mind…"
Phoebe felt this as a slap in the face, and it seemed to free her from the trance, as she almost ran to the door. Once there, she turned halfway, him still keeping his back to her. "I believed in you, even when my sisters were telling me otherwise. Now I know how wrong I was."
She watched somewhat expectantly, but he never even flinched, and she finally went out of the room quickly with tears in her eyes.
She was so upset that she did not even care about the knowing looks the men were giving her. Practically running out of the bridge, she almost went back to the cabin, when she suddenly stopped, realizing that her sisters would know right away that she was upset about something. She had no intention of answering those questions now. Hesitating, she instead turned toward the hatch to the lower deck. At this point, she believed that spending some time down there, with people unable to question her emotional state, was just what she needed.
Cole was frozen in place. Her last words still echoing in his mind like a storm. "What if I was wrong," he dared thinking. "What if she was sincere in the first place?" This thought alone brought him such pain and shame that he refused it. "No," he continued for himself, "she was just trying to make you feel guilty, you fool." He had wanted so much for her to be different from the women he had known. Yet, she had acted in the same fashion, even if it was for what she thought a just cause. That still left him sad and empty, knowing, as he believed that she had felt nothing for him. Finally able to move, he went to the porthole, looking out at the calm see. This one had never betrayed him. However capricious she may have been, the sea was also a faithful mistress. Usually, this would have brought back peace to his mind. Yet, he could not help thinking back to the altercation, wondering again if he had been wrong.
Nevertheless, the anger was still there, right beside the shame, preventing him from forming an opinion on the matter. Sighing, he remembered that before, he had believed her to be an honorable woman, not one to use her charms to manipulate a man like this. Now, he wondered what powerful motive could push such a woman to vilify herself so much.
Could it have been those slaves? What kind of feelings were they inspiring her? "If I knew," he thought sardonically, "then maybe, just maybe, I would understand what's in her mind." Oddly enough, even as he finally returned to his post, the thought stayed with him, as he wondered how he might find out…
For the next hour or so, he succeeded in putting a good face for the men, as it was easy enough for him to hide any feelings at all. Yet, inside the questions were continuously coming back. Her last words seeming so strange to him… She had believed in him, she said. Believed in what, he was asking himself? Believed that I cared anything at all for her precious slaves? And this always brought back the original question: what made her so interested in them, so willing to do even the worse for them? Deep down, he couldn't help thinking that she had come to him only because of them.
At last, he could not stand this anymore. He was not usually a man to question himself or his reactions. On the contrary, until he met her, he had never doubted himself at all. More than this, he thought that this kind of mental torture was for the weak. Rather than introspection, the strong preferred action to prove their worth. Maybe this was why he made the decision to go see for himself. Leaving the bridge to an ensign, he went to his cabin and changed into civilian clothing. This seemed even stranger to him, as he rarely wore anything else but his uniform. However, for what he had in mind, his usual attire would not be appropriate.
When he came back out, the men gave him passing looks, but they soon dismissed it as one more of his recent eccentricities. He went straight to the lower deck, heading for the cells, but taking care of staying out of sight. From his vantage, he could see her, with a little heartache. "So, she came here directly from the bridge, no surprise there," he thought dejectedly. She was smiling sweetly to an older man and a few kids, who were somewhat hovering around her. To see her apparently happy, just heightened his pain and longing, and he almost turned around. But then, she looked away from them, her expression almost immediately darkening. He thought that he could see sadness in her. For a moment, he wondered if he was truly responsible for this.
However, even if that were a fact, then it would be all the more difficult for her to ever forgive him. And this, he preferred not to think about, not now.
She stayed only a few more minutes before she left them, still unaware of his presence.
Cole almost left too at this point, but then he caught sight of a strange construction against the wall that had suffered the explosion. Frowning, he looked at it more carefully, and realized that, in spite of the very tight rations that slaves received, there were bowls of food on something passing for an altar. With these were objects that obviously had been personal to a number of people. What amazed him more than anything else was to recognize a hat worn by one of the handlers who had perished during the attack.
He remembered vaguely hearing how this particular sailor had seemed fonder of the slaves than the others. It was now obvious to him that this was some kind of a memorial to their dead, and it struck him more than whatever Phoebe or anyone else had done or said so far about them. For the first time, he thought of them as people, and it was a strange impression to say the least. For a long time after this, he continued observing them, watching the women seemingly in some sort of prayers at the altar.
When he finally left the lower deck, his confusion had not dissipated, far from. On the contrary, he had never felt so unsure about anything in his life…
When Phoebe returned to the cabin, she avoided the curious looks that her sisters cast her way. She did her best not to give away anything about her feelings on the matter, as she related only that she was not sure what the Captain would do about the supplements of food.
Prue questioned dubiously. "What are you talking about? How can you not know what his answer was?" Phoebe rolled her eyes, albeit out of her sister's sight.
"He would not give me a straight answer, and let's leave it at that if you don't mind." Prue still probed: "This does not make any sense Phoebe…"
Piper added: "I have to agree with Prue. How can you not know? Don't you have a vague idea? And beside, what were you doing there all this time," she finally asked, very suspiciously.
Obviously, it had been the real question that was on their lips. Phoebe supposed that they were waiting for her to make some kind of confession.
"If you must know, I was in the lower deck most of that time, and now, I have enough of this questioning. I am tired and will retire for a while. If you have to, speculate to your hearts content, but do it without me."
On this, she abruptly turned away from them, leaving both her sisters with their mouths opened and no answers. Prue turned to Piper with a totally dumbfounded expression. "What has gotten into her?"
"I am afraid that she still has some feelings for that Captain. Maybe now, however, it will be easier for her to forget, if she finally figured out how he truly is?"
"Let's hope…" Prue replied distractedly.
She had returned her gaze toward the alcove, and wondered if she should do something. Piper could see where this was going.
"Prue, I do think that Phoebe should be allowed to work this out on her own. If she needs us, we will be there for her." Prue nodded, but only half- convinced.
In the alcove, just as she had told her sisters, Phoebe lied down on her temporary cot. Li and Kari, her mother, she knew now, were very discreet even with the terrible discomfort that the pain caused Li.
They had not been there long enough to understand a word of the conversation, but they were intuitive enough to feel the tension in their benefactor's voice. They simply gave her space, somehow knowing that it was what she needed at the moment.
Phoebe had even managed to sleep for a little while, but as soon as she woke up, her disappointment and pain returned stronger than before. Until that moment, she had refused to dwell on what happened. Now however, she remembered everything vividly, particularly her own mixed feelings. She could not believe that in the face of such rudeness, she had still felt like being with him. He was the monster that she had assumed at first, so how could she feel like this?
In a way, she was angrier with herself than he. After all, she had been forewarned about him. She had simply not wanted to believe it. When she got up, it was almost dinnertime, and she heard the knock at the door that announced it. Without great enthusiasm, she looked herself up, and then moved out of the alcove. There, she found something totally unexpected. The rations that they usually received were generous, but never contained the products that she had alluded to. There, she found cheeses and a selection of fruits that were obviously not part of their regular meal.
Prue again turned questioningly toward her sister, more suspicious even than before. "Well, it would seem that we have the answer to our question right here," she said, after the steward had left.
Phoebe was simply astounded. In spite of what she had told her sister, she had not believed for a moment that he would give her what she asked for. In that instant, she dared hope however fleetingly that she had been wrong about him. Still, the memories of the afternoon came rushing back to her, and she soon assumed that it was some attempt at bringing her to him. And this, for a purpose that she did not want to think about…
She decided right then that she would not go thank him for it, as she saw some sinister meaning in it. Nevertheless, she was still grateful for the food, and hoped that the supplements would continue to arrive regularly.
The following days proved that it was not going to be a one time occurrence, since every night the meals came with the same surplus. The only problem for Phoebe was to endure the suspicious stares of not only her sisters, but also the meaningful expression that the steward harbored almost every night when bringing the meal to them. She had no doubt on what they were all thinking, knowing that the Captain had most certainly made the request personally, and that her sisters found the whole thing utterly strange coming from a man like him.
Neither Prue, nor Piper, the steward and probably not the staff in the galley, believed that he was doing this out of the goodness of his heart. This made it harder for Phoebe. Of course, she knew that she had done nothing wrong. At least, not in fact… But that did not make her feel more comfortable when facing her sisters' scrutiny.
No matter how many times they asked however, she never told them what had happened that afternoon.
Soon, Li benefited from the new diet, obviously getting better. She even helped, now able to move around as if she had never been sick. Phoebe was amazed at how quickly she had recuperated. But she was not about to tell the Captain about it either. She was convinced that if she was returned to the cells, her health would deteriorate rapidly again. At least, it gave her more time to take care of the others, and she applied herself at it zealously, as in those moments she could forget the pain and embarrassment that she had to live with every day.
Meanwhile, Cole had been doing some introspection of his own. That first night and the following ones, he had decided that in doubts, he should at least agree to what she asked for. He never expected her to thank him for it, not after what happened. Whatever her motivations were, she now had what she wanted. So, either way he doubted that she would ever even want to talk to him again.
On the other hand, that first insight into the life of the slaves had awakened a surprising curiosity in him. Almost every day afterward, he returned there, although careful to be there only when he was certain that she was not. The first few times, he just spent some time observing them from afar. However, one evening, he felt the need to see them up close with the newfound perspective that he had acquired. First, he went to the watchman and claimed a set of keys for keep. He knew of course that they would notice his coming around, but made sure that the man understood that discretion was in order. The sailor did not argue with his Captain, as he knew that Captain Turner was not one to be contradicted or questioned. Many had paid a heavy price for doing this.
In fact, many of the sailors were amazed that the first officer was still in place and in one piece, after the number of times that they had witnessed rebellion on his part. They chalked it to the definitely strange new attitude that the Captain harbored during this trip, however. Once convinced that the guard would keep his mouth shut, Cole returned toward the cell. There, however, he still hesitated. He had not brought his pistol along, maybe wanting to see what it felt like, just like she did.
Still, now about to enter this place, he felt naked without it, worried that the slaves would take their frustrations on him, which would have been understandable he now knew. Still, in the civilian clothing, a dark turtleneck and pants, he felt even more exposed, denied the relative protection of his offices.
He moved toward the cell anyway, only bringing in a flask of rum with him. He took a long sip, then resolutely opened the door and entered the cell, while trying to look infinitely more confident than he felt.
After closing the cell door behind him, he just stood stiffly there, watching the people inside, as they were observing him in turn. Again, as he thought that he recognized some hostility, he cursed himself for not having the pistol. Clutching the flask, he waited nervously, not knowing what exactly he should do from then on. While waiting, he wondered how she felt the first time that she had come in here. Was she worried like him, or did she simply trust these people implicitly. That last proposition seemed very unlikely from his point of view.
Suddenly, he became aware of an older man approaching him cautiously. The man looked just as wary as Cole felt, yet he did not make any aggressive gesture, so that Cole let him get closer without reacting.
The old man stopped in front of him, now apparently looking him up and down, which made Cole very uncomfortable. Then he extended his hand toward him and Cole reacted by lifting his arm in front of him as a pitiful defense, he knew. The old man took a step back nervously, and Cole somehow understood that he had not meant any ill.
Relaxing, he put down his arm and tried to give the man as warm a look as he could make himself. The old man seemed to appreciate, as he came closer again, and this time, when he extended his hand toward him, Cole did not react. He was surprised however to feel the flask being tugged upon.
Cole gathered that the man wanted to know what was in it, and even if he had his doubts, he handed the flask to the old man, who gingerly opened it and then put it to his lips. At the first sip, the man opened big eyes and soon started coughing loudly.
A few other black people began paying closer attention to them, and the fear returned fully for Cole, as he worried about their reaction. He observed the old man warily, expecting him to call to the others against him.
Instead, this one, once he had stopped coughing, opened his mouth in what seemed an amused smile. Turning back toward the inside of the cell, he lifted the flask and began talking in that guttural tongue that Cole had heard before, but somehow never thought of as an actual language. He realized how stupid that was then, but now was not the time to dwell on his shortcomings.
He watched, still apprehensive, as many more men, younger, approached in turn. However, he saw that the old man was obviously describing the content of the flask, as he was showing it off ostensibly.
Some of them each in turn took sips rather unceremoniously, and from the lack of adverse reaction, Cole guessed that they also had some kind of spirit in their jungle. Obviously not this rum, but still…
Having emptied the flask and obviously their curiosity, the men started back toward the center of the room, among the others. Cole began to think that his visit would have been a short one, when the old man gestured for him to follow.
This, he had not anticipated. He hesitated at length before walking slowly behind him. There, they offered him to sit among them, and to his amazement, some of their food. The meal seemed rather frugal to him obviously. Yet, he took some of it and felt strangely good at that point. Him, who never even shared a meal with his officers, was now sitting on the floor of slave's cell, with his own prisoners, and somehow managed to enjoy himself.
That night, he returned to his quarters with mixed feelings. He might have been tempted to think that those people were somewhat stupid to accept their own jailer among them as a friend. Yet, he could not think like that. He had felt a warmth among them that he could not remember feeling ever before. Their simple ways were refreshing and not in the least threatening. They did not even need to understand what he was saying, but only to enjoy his company, or so it seemed.
Many times in the next two weeks, he found himself back there, even managing to teach them a few simple games. He never went there with his uniform however, and brought rum every time, to the obvious delight of a few younger men.
Phoebe was somewhat confounded. For the last two weeks, every day she had half-expected to see him come in and to demand some kind of compensation for his continuous honoring of her request. Yet, he had not showed up, nor sent anyone to request her presence at any moment.
Oddly, this disappointed her. Every night or so, she watched her older sister slipping out of the cabin, no doubt to rejoin with Mr. McKail. This shocked her somewhat, but not as much as she would have thought. After all, she could not in all conscience be angry with Prue for this, knowing the nature of her own fantasies too well. Even now, she still had those thoughts, even more so that he did not seem to care anymore. Phoebe had always been one to go against the flow. What bothered her was that in spite of Prue's passionate nature, she had always been the responsible one among them. The one that was an example to her sisters… Yet, now, she was being wild and acted totally against conventions…
That night, Phoebe could not find sleep and she heard her sister slipping out once more. For some reason, she felt like following her, she had no idea why herself, other than she needed some distraction, and maybe to make Prue feel a little like she did.
Rapidly getting a vest, she went after her, as she knew which way she was most certainly going. Outside, she indeed saw her sister already on her way down the hatch and she followed her, taking care of staying out of sight.
Even as she was going down the stairs herself, she already knew how ridiculous she was. Maybe it was all the frustration of the last few weeks that had provoked such a juvenile idea. By the time that she got to the bottom, she also realized how reckless she was. It was already late, and although she did not fear the slaves, with whom she spent so much time, she did fear the sailors, very aware that these might find that a wandering woman at night was somehow asking for trouble.
This late at night, she had expected the place to be very quiet. Yet, just as she had made up her mind to turn back, her attention was attracted by laughter, or what she thought was laughter, coming from the direction of the cell. This might have constituted the very threat that she had feared, but she could not help being curious, and cautiously, she walked toward the sounds. When she came in sight of the cells, she saw that a white man was among the slaves, and when she recognized the man, she almost revealed herself, as she gasped in surprise…
Stepping back in the shadow, she found a way to observe the most astonishing spectacle. Captain Turner was sitting among the black people, or more specifically, he seemed to be playing some kind of dice game with a few of the men. But what really astounded her was to see him smile and even laugh. She had never seen him so relaxed, even that day on the deck when they had kissed. If she had not seen his face, she would have never believed it. She stood there, totally transfixed, watching him passing around a flask of what was obviously some kind of hard liquor, and her face contorted in an amused frown.
This lasted for over an hour, while she could not make herself leave. She waited, just like she knew he had that day before the attack. Phoebe felt it wrong to spy in this manner, but she could not help it. It was actually more fun than she had in a long time. Her pleasure was however slightly shadowed by the very fact that he seemed so much happier with them, while he had never been like this with her.
When he finally came out of the cell, she waited only until he was out of sight and followed him in the darker hallway. "So, I see that you are corrupting this poor people?" Not knowing too well what to say to him at this point in time, she had chosen this little crack.
He became very still, seemingly wondering if he had dreamt the voice.
Phoebe got impatient when he did not say anything or turned to her.
"So, are you?" She asked again, trying to get a reaction out of him. This time, he knew that he was not dreaming. What's more, in spite of the slight reproach, Cole thought that he heard amusement in her voice. How could she be there? However, he was done questioning himself, but still very reluctant to face her. In the last few weeks, he had learned a lot. Among other things, that his actions toward her had been totally unforgivable. However painful it had been for him to accept it, he had made up his mind that he could not hope for her to ever want to talk to him again.
And now, like a miracle, she was there. He did not dare look back, or even to say a word, for fear that she would go away again.
Perplexed, Phoebe moved closer, wondering if something was wrong now.
"Are you ok?"
"Do you really care," he finally asked, with a slightly broken voice that she could barely recognize. "If you mean by that, am I still angry with you? Yes, a little…"
He frowned unhappily, but somehow felt more at ease, since this seemed more real.
Turning toward her, he tried to apologize:
"I wanted to tell you…"
However, she interrupted:
"What was that?" She asked, nodding toward the cell. "That?"
"Yes, you. Them; and you playing with them? How long have you been having this double life?" He was startled by her question, but saw that she still had this amused look about her. "Not very long to tell the truth…"
More seriously this time, she probed further:
"How do you reconcile playing with them, and at the same time being the one delivering them into slavery?"
He sighed, as the question had been coming to his mind more than once in the last two weeks. "I do not. I have no idea on what to do next…"
His totally genuine answer just finished to convince her that she must have mistaken him for someone else. "Are you sure that you did not bump your head and somehow became a new person," she asked aloud.
This brought a weak smile to his lips and she thought that he suddenly looked charming. Why couldn't he smile more?
"Would that be good or bad?"
Phoebe let herself smile as well.
"From where I stand, it would very good indeed."
He stood silent for a moment longer and she saw a shadow pass across his features.
"Will you ever forgive me?"
Her smile vanished, as she contemplated her answer.
"I am not sure yet. I mean," she added quickly, seeing him frown, "a lot has happened, and I haven't had the chance to make sense of it."
A heavy silence fell between them, as they seemed lost in their own thoughts.
After a moment, Cole offered somewhat hesitantly: "Can I walk you back to your cabin?" She looked at him with a questioning stare, as if wondering what if anything he might be planning.
Seeing this, he added: "I promise you that I won't do anything to displease you."
She was still biting her lips, uncertain if she should trust him again. She had been disappointed twice already. However, he seemed so sincere that she decided to give him a chance. In the back of her mind, she had to admit that she wanted it to be the truth.
She simply came by his side, although still keeping her distance somewhat. He respected this, worried that any gesture might be construed as inappropriate. They kept silent all the way to the cabin, where he was again worried that this interlude would never happen again.
Phoebe was watching him, wondering what to say or do that might not provoke the wrong outcome. It was much too soon for them to go any further than this, or so she thought…
More than once, he was about to say something but stopped himself.
Nothing that he could think of would do. Still, neither one seemed willing to leave, as the silence prolonged while they simply waited, casting each other intense looks, then turning away with uncertainty. Who knows how much longer this would have lasted if a piercing scream, coming from inside the cabin, had not caught both their attention?
