The Pain of Betrayal
Syaoran looked up as the door opened slowly. He leaned
out from the curtains of the bed cautiously, frame stiffening. They had found
him. They had come for him, to kill him for sure this time around.
He exhaled thankfully as Sakura's figure scampered in,
the door closing quickly behind her. Silently, he rose from the bed to walk
toward her. And he stopped in mid step, lips parting guardedly as she hunched
forward against the door, shoulders trembling. He took another step
uncertainly, ears pricking up when he heard a muffled sob.
"Sakura?" he asked softly, coming up behind her.
She turned with a stifled shriek, hand clasped over her
mouth. And tears fell from her eyes, her cheeks pale.
"What?" he asked her faintly. And as her expression
faltered once more, "What?" he asked in a stronger tone.
She shook her head at him silently and lifted both hands
to her face, almost as if to hide behind them. She slumped against the door and
slowly slid down to the floor, resting on her rear.
Syaoran stared down at her, heart pounding. He was going
to kill him. Whatever had happened, whatever he had done, his twin was going to
die by his hand. "What happened?" he asked her, cautiously going down on one
knee.
Sakura merely wept, hands covering her face.
Warily, Syaoran sat and slid forward, coming close to
her. Her long fingers were stiff against her face, clawed almost into talons,
and he caught glimpses of her face in between them. Never had he seen Sakura
cry like that. Not since…since…
Since they had transformed the Void Card. And she had
thought him gone.
He slowly lifted his hands, grasping her wrists and
pulling them from her face. She ducked her head as he did so, hiding her face
behind her hair but he set her hands aside, reaching out and smoothing her
locks back, feeling her tear tracks under his palms.
"What happened?" he asked her tenderly, not wanting to
hear at all. He didn't want to know why she cried. He felt that whatever she
said, he was only going to end up wanting to kill his double all the more.
She lifted her eyes, inhaling to steady her breath, and
gazed at him with shimmering eyes. "I'm to be executed at sunset," she
whispered, and she closed her eyes, ready to cry all over again.
Syaoran stared at her, a lump in his throat. Over his
damned and dead body. He smiled at her after a moment, smoothing back wispy
bangs and he leaned forward, lifting his lips to her forehead.
"No, you're not," he reassured her, turning his head to
lean his jaw against her brow. "We're leaving. You and me. Together. We're
getting out of here and you're coming back with me to my world."
Sakura was in mid-exhalation at his words when she
stiffened. "Your world?" she asked faintly. And as he pulled back she was
staring at him as if he were insane.
He nodded. "I'm not from around here," he murmured, and
he lowered his eyes to a lock of hair stuck to her tear tracks. Gently, he pulled
it away, lips tightening. "A friend of mine opened the way here with his magic.
We were curious to see what was on the other side. Or he was, rather. I came
here to look for you."
"Me?" she asked him quietly.
He nodded, eyes still caught on her cheek. His thumb
brushed across the smoothness, feeling its softness.
"In my world, you died. About three months ago. You were
Mistress of the Clow Cards, you revived them under your name. And you didn't
have the strength to support the Cards and Yue, so you died."
She was staring at him, eyes wide. And he wasn't sure if
she believed him but she seemed terribly amazed by his words. "I was Mistress
of the Cards?"
He nodded. And he laughed faintly, a small grin breaking
across his face. "When I first met you, I couldn't stand you. I hated that
someone as weak in magic as you and as timid as you, could be the Cardcaptor,"
he caressed her jaw, watching himself as he did it. "But then I loved you. I
couldn't help myself. You cared so much for others, cared so much for the
Cards. And in the end you proved stronger anyway. You were the proper choice.
And I resolved to be your guardian. To help you grow, in magic."
She gazed at him as he spoke, eyes sweeping his face
tenderly.
"Did I die in your arms?" she asked softly, and she was
slowly reaching a hand up to his face, cupping his cheek.
His eyes lifted to hers and he blinked painfully, leaning
his cheek into her hand. "Yes," he answered quietly. "You died in my arms, at
sunset, as the red streaks were swallowed by night."
Sakura's face nearly fell into tears once more as he
whispered it, as he bowed his head.
"I felt it when you died. In my heart, I felt you leave.
And it felt…as if you were taking a part of me with you. As if I could never be
whole again," he uttered, hair falling into his closed eyes.
Sakura leaned forward, away from the door, closer to him.
"You came for me. Because you loved me?"
He nodded wordlessly.
She exhaled, not knowing what to say. She felt hopeless,
terrible even. At least here, Syaoran was alive. Even if they weren't together,
and even if he was the person he was, he was alive. But this boy before her.
He had no one.
She slid forward, into him, and lifted her other hand,
leaning her chin against his shoulder and wrapping her arm around his neck. He
exhaled against her, head resting against hers as he wound his arms around her
waist. And somehow, it hurt. It hurt to inhale her scent, hurt to feel her in
his arms and be reminded of what had been lost.
But she was Sakura. It was her slender frame underneath
his hands, her body he felt against his.
"When I was younger, I fell in love with a boy," she
whispered against his ear. "He had brown eyes. Light brown eyes. And he had
dark hair that always fell into his face. No matter how many times he swept it
out of his face it always fell back."
Syaoran smiled faintly, inhaling wearily.
"And this boy, he was magical. Both literally and
figuratively. He was a magic user, but when I would look at him, it was like he
was this purely beautiful creature. Like he was much too beautiful to really
exist. I was drawn to him, drawn to his silence. Drawn to his protectiveness. I
wanted to make him smile. Just once."
She hesitated, gazing out her window across the room to
the moon beaming outside.
"One day I realized we were both after the same thing. He
wanted something that I could get but he never asked me for it. Because he
loved me, too. We had both fallen for each other in his quest."
Syaoran could see himself loving her. Wanting to be wherever
she was, wanting to bask in her sunshine.
"But he and my father had never gotten along. So, instead
of asking me, he went ahead and faced off against my father. And I got caught
in the crossfire," she murmured.
Syaoran's embrace tightened. "The Clow Cards?" he asked.
She sighed. "They were in the middle of battle. The magic
was stunning. The colors, the static in the air. The buzz. It was amazing. But
they were hurting each other. And I was so scared. I was scared because I kept
feeling that, no matter how the battle ended, I was going to lose someone. So I
threw myself in the way, thinking if it was me to get hurt I wouldn't lose
anyone. I wouldn't feel any kind of pain at losing someone."
Syaoran lifted his hand, trailing his fingertips down the
bare skin of her back gently.
Sakura exhaled against him, head dropping to rest against
his neck. "Otou-san ended up giving Syaoran the Cards. He just…gave them to
him. To stop the battle. And then he took me home, where he nursed me back to
health. I couldn't walk for half a year and the first four months I was in and
out of consciousness. Without the Cards it was harder for otou-san to heal me,
but he did. And it wasn't until later that I heard that Syaoran had become head
of the Clan. That everyone, everywhere, knew his name. Knew him for the
merciless leader that he was."
Syaoran nodded to himself in agreement.
"He doesn't remember me," she whispered. "He sees me and
it's almost as if he sees through me. He doesn't recognize me. But he feels
something, I know he does. Maybe someone erased his memories, repressed them.
But they're breaking through, to the point that it's driving him mad."
Syaoran swallowed, tracing small circles along the smooth
skin of her back. "I think he went mad a long time ago," he murmured blankly,
understanding. Understanding that without her he himself would also go insane.
He couldn't live without her. This wasn't living, what he did. It was
surviving, as if he went through an ordeal at night to wake up and cope all day
just to go through it all at night again. He blinked wearily, feeling drained.
"I think he died that day. And this other person took over his face. Became
him."
Sakura didn't reply to that. Instead she breathed against
him, staring at the moon hazily.
"You're what he would be now, had he never gotten his
hands on the Cards," she said faintly, slumping against him in defeat. "You're
the boy I fell in love with, so long ago."
Syaoran paused in the middle of tracing a tiny design on
her back.
She shifted a bit, lifting her head and looking at him,
green eyes mournful. And he gazed at her, turning his head to meet her eyes.
"I missed you," she murmured. And she lifted her hand to
his cheek once more, drawing him close.
He went wordlessly, heart suddenly pounding.
Her lips met his, tenderly, almost as if afraid anything
stronger would have crushed them both. She cradled him against her, breath warm
against his cheek, frame trembling faintly.
We've both lost so much. We've both been treated
unfairly. We deserve this, to make up for everything that has been taken from
us…
"He won't even kiss me," she uttered sadly and he kissed
her breathlessly, wanting to atone for everything his double had ever put her
through, had ever kept from her. He inhaled deeply, the taste of her making him
dizzy.
She returned his kiss, hand lifting to tangle in his
hair, holding him close. He felt real in her embrace, felt the way she had
always thought he would feel. Slim, gentle.
And desperately in love with her.
She rose onto her knees, bending over him, and he lifted
his head, gazing up at her with such tenderness it made her love him all the
more. He closed his eyes as she lifted a hand and pushed away a stubborn lock
of hair, fingertips playing across his mouth.
A swell of emotion rose inside her, so strong it almost
brought tears to her eyes once more. How cruel Fate could be. How tragically
dramatic, to take him away and then return him.
And what a kindness, to be able to be with him and never
have to remember all that had happened in her own life, in her own past. To be
able to wake up beside him and have him love her for the rest of her life, to
brighten when he laid eyes on her, to hear him say her name, whisper it when he
held her. And to hear his laughter, one sweet, genuine laugh.
"You'll take me with you? When you go?" she asked him,
almost pleading. "You won't ever leave me again?"
His expression became firm, hands releasing her to grasp
her face. "Never. I'll never leave you," he swore to her, eyes shining. "And
I'm never going to let you go away again from me."
She gazed at him, a tear slipping down her face. And
wordlessly, she rose, pulling away from his hands and standing up. He lifted
his head, a slight frown crossing his face. When she extended a hand to him he
took it, rising to his feet as well. He stood over her, feeling how small she
was as she swept passed him, pulling him toward the bed.
He caught sight of it and had half a mind to dig his feet
in like a puppy and refuse.
She turned to him as she came to a stop, head bowing
towards his chest. His eyes strayed to the bed, lips parting questioningly.
"Sakura?"
She lifted her head after a moment, silently brushing her
lips against his. He accepted her kiss, hair sticking up on the back of his
neck. He didn't know what was about to happen and it scared him, to be caught
unaware.
She broke the kiss, falling back to gaze at him solemnly.
He gazed at her as well, hand lifting to her face.
"I told her I would wait," he said softly. "That I would
wait until she was ready. Until we were both ready."
She nodded to him, a small smile lifting the corners of
her lips. And he felt that she understood, that she knew that in the end, his
Sakura had never been ready. Had never been given the chance to be ready.
No doubt this Sakura was ready. It shamed him to think of
it in that sense. This was what she did. It almost belittled it.
"I'm scared, too," she said quietly, bringing him out of
his thoughts. And as he looked at her, the smile on her face widened a little.
"You look absolutely horrified. And I can't help but feel that I'm the one
frightening you."
He shook his head at that, hands reaching down to clasp
hers. "Not you," he said, squeezing her fingers. "The situation. The memories
that I keep getting." He hesitated, voice breaking off gently as he looked down
to see their fingers intertwined at their sides. "I remember being with her,
one night. And things had started to move…very quickly. She was scared, I was
scared. But we both wanted to. And that was the night we promised. We promised
we'd wait until we were older, until we were ready."
Sakura was smiling at him gently, as if she approved. She
lifted a hand to his face and he wasn't sure if he imagined it but this Sakura
seemed so much older than his had been. Infinitely wiser. He lifted his eyes to
her, studying her features intensely.
"You're not ready yet," she murmured. "Especially not
when I'm here. I feel your confusion at seeing me. Looking at my face…hurts
you…"
"No. No…" he said soothingly. "It isn't like that at all.
No matter what Sakura you are, what world you live in, you could never hurt me.
I would love you just as much." And he paused, eyes skimming her face, her red
hair. "Just as you love him."
She started at his words, eyes widening.
"I understand, what you mean," he pressed on. "About my
loving Sakura. My Sakura. Because you love your Syaoran. Even though he's the
way he is now, you still see him as the way he was. And you can't see him like that anymore. He doesn't exist like that
anymore."
"Neither does Sakura. Your Sakura," she responded
quickly, cutting him off. "Your Sakura doesn't exist anymore. There's only me
now."
Syaoran stared at her, wondering how she meant that. If
it angered her to hear him speak about her Syaoran. He nodded faintly, gazing
at her. "You're right, of course," he said. "She doesn't exist like that
anymore." And he released her, looking away and slumping onto the bed weakly.
She looked at him, shoulders hanging in defeat. "Syaoran.
I didn't mean-"
He smiled faintly, forgiveness on his face even as she
spoke. "But you're right," he said, falling backward onto the bed. It felt soft
under his weight, supporting his weary figure. He sighed, looking up at the
canopy overhead, arms lifting to cross under his head. "I thought I'd get used
to her being gone, that eventually it would stop hurting." He stared at the
canopy, gaze becoming flat. "It doesn't stop hurting. And it doesn't go away."
Sakura merely gazed at him for a moment, arms wrapped
around herself. After a reflective moment she seated herself beside him, the
bed hardly upset by her weight. He looked over at her, not turning his head.
Her profile was striking. Wonderfully soft skin and glossy auburn hair. He felt
the glance turn into a stare, unashamed at being caught looking at her when she
turned her head to face him.
"Do I look like her?" she asked him with a small smile,
hands clasped in her lap.
He smiled back faintly, pretending to study her. "Yeah,
sort of," he joked. His eyes widened a little bit as she lay out beside him,
her green eyes mischievous.
"Well, you look very much like my Syaoran. Except for
this little scar right here." She lifted a hand, her finger brushing it gently.
"How did you get that?"
He shook his head, turning his face away but she nudged
him, wanting his reply.
"Tell me. I want to know how you got it," she pleaded,
still touching it, her finger rubbing across it over and over.
With a sigh he said, "I was teaching Sakura a few moves.
How to defend herself against unwanted attention." He stressed the end of the
sentence, a look of protectiveness coming into his eyes. "I let my guard down
after pushing her to hit me. She was so timid. She was afraid of hitting me.
And the one time I softened she let me have it, right there."
Sakura laughed silently, her other hand clamping over her
mouth.
Syaoran nodded wryly. "Yeah, it was funny then, too," he
mocked her. "But she didn't touch me for like a month."
She stared at him, smiling behind her hand. "Not even to
kiss you?" she asked quietly, finally pulling her hand back from her mouth.
He paused, blinking as he thought the moment over. "At
the time," he said slowly, and he met her eyes, "we weren't together. We knew
about each other's feelings, we understood them, but it was as if we agreed
without ever saying anything, that we were too young to have a relationship."
He smiled again, the faint twist of his lips. "Although it didn't really occur
to me that if other guys started looking at her, maybe it was the right time to
start dating."
She nodded, finger still playing across the scar. "Such
an innocent, Syaoran," she murmured softly, her breath warm against his ear.
He studied her, eyes narrowing the slightest bit.
Unlike you…
At the mere thought he felt a sudden wave of shame wash
over him and he turned his head away once more, returning his gaze back to the
canopy.
I can't be with you like this…
She shifted a bit and a moment later he felt her lips
brush his scar, as gentle as a wind blowing across his skin. He swallowed, eyes
closing as she murmured, "Something told me she never kissed you there. As if
she were afraid of that scar, ashamed that she had caused that scar and that it
was a constant reminder to her."
He didn't reply although he agreed. Never had she touched
his scar because of exactly that. She had been ashamed and remorseful, no
matter how many times he had told her it hadn't been her fault. Up until her
death she had never allowed herself to touch it.
He wanted her to kiss him again.
She inhaled deeply, almost as if he had defeated her.
"You won't…be with me tonight?" she asked him faintly, pulling her hand away
from his scar to draw in on herself.
He hesitated, mind working furiously behind his closed
eyelids. It would be wrong…wouldn't it? It had seemed wrong before but now that
he lay beside her, now that he was so close to her, it didn't seem wrong at
all. It felt exactly as it should have felt, had they decided to take that step
together.
She shifted on the bed, pulling away but he reached out
blindly, taking hold of her hand. His eyes came open and he looked at her at
last, trying to read passed the surprise on her face. "Would it mean something
to you? The way it would mean to me?" he asked her quietly.
Because it would be the step he had never taken with his
own Sakura.
She gazed at him, squeezing his fingers tightly, so much
that it felt as if she were cutting off his circulation. "Nothing would ever
mean more to me, Syaoran," she whispered. And she watched him, unafraid, as he
slowly rose, their eyes focused on each other.
There was no lie there, in her eyes. A part of him had
wanted to find a deception there, had wanted it desperately. And the other half
of him was relieved that she would want to go there with him.
"You know you'll always have me. Don't you?" he asked
her, drawing closer to her. He lifted his other hand, cupping her cheek, thumb
brushing her skin.
She shook her head at him, tilting into his hand. "And if
this is our only night together?"
"It's not. It won't be," he said firmly. "I won't let it
be-"
"But if it is?" she cut him off gently. "If tomorrow
comes and we can't escape together? If I'm executed tomorrow?" She gazed at
him. "I won't have always."
He stared at her, brow furrowing sadly. And he knew then,
felt a small release inside. This would always be right between them.
Because nothing they ever did could ever be wrong.
She went into his arms, pressing her cheek against his
jaw and embracing him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, hand lifting to
hold her head against his collar.
"One night, Syaoran," she murmured into his ear. "One
night and then we'll have all of eternity."
He swallowed, breathing her scent into himself. Forget
the one night. He wanted the eternity.
I tried to make changes to the way I wrote this because I got a review with an English lesson in it. =) Now THAT'S what I call criticism. I don't have the reviewer's name because I'm offline but whoever you were, thanks! I learned something new! ;) Hopefully I got everything right this time around?
Arigato!
- Cass
