***Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter****
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Terra: (looking from person to person in the audience paranoid) All right.. .. folks. It's time for us to start our first competition! (turns behind her) Boys!
All of a sudden huge men drag out a tall podium onto the stage. Ginny, Cho, Hermione, Ron and Draco look at each other confused.
Terra: The first game is called….GLADIATOR!! It's quite simple to play (grabs a long pole, each end padded with blue Styrofoam, and twirls it around). Basically you each take one of these and kick the shit out of each other.
The audience starts singing and the contestants look at each other. Ron and Draco look sick, Ginny looks worried, Cho looks confused and Hermione looks dangerously excited.
Hermione: All right! Let's get this show on the road (grabs the stick from Terra and raises it high above her head). As God as my witness, with this Gladiator sticky thing, I will WIN HARRY'S LOVE!
Everyone watches as she runs behind stage. There's silence.
Terra:….okay….all right then. All of you follow her behind stage and get geared up. Oh, and don't forget these (she hands them all a piece of paper).
Ginny: What's this?
Terra: Oh just something you should sign.
Ginny: (reading) 'Terra Seruba and all workers involved with The Boy is MINE contest is hereby not responsible for any damage caused by the participants…'
Terra: (nervously) Heh heh…don't read that all now…heh… good girl, go on!
Terra shoves Ginny behind the stage.
Terra: Well now that they're all getting prepared, how about we find out whose underwear this is? (holds up the pair of underwear and smiles deviously)
~*~*~
Harry looked at his watch. He'd been in the library for almost half an hour by himself. Of course, being by himself didn't exactly bother him…that was Seamus and Dean, who kept looking at him and cracking up. Finally, after hearing another outburst of chuckling, Harry got up angrily and walked over to them.
"Hey Harry!" Dean said trying to keep a straight face.
"Top of the mornin' to ya," Seamus said.
"All right, what's going on?" Harry said furiously.
Dean and Seamus exchanged amused glances.
"Don't know what you're talking about," said Seamus.
Harry growled.
"Don't play that with me! I know something's goin' on. If you don't tell me, I'll just find out myself," he said.
Seamus sighed and got up.
"Dear Harry. I assure you, there is nothing going on," he said. Harry opened his mouth to protest, but Seamus shook his head and shoved him back into his seat. "Now study," he said. "Remember what Hermione always says-"
But no sooner than the word 'Hermione' come out of his mouth did Seamus start cracking up again. Dean soon joined him.
Harry looked at them for a moment before finally letting out a desperate yell.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"
~*~*~
After a long grueling interrogation from Terra Seruba, the competitors come back out, fully dressed in helmets, knee and elbow pads, and other Gladiator-style protective gear. The audience cheers as they come out.
Terra: Great! So we're ready, huh?
Ron (fidgeting) these cloths are way too tight. And it leaves nothing to the imagination!
Hermione: Hey, like we told you before, there's no pink! Deal with it!
As Ron starts to tear Draco puts a comforting hand on his soldier. Ron stops crying and stares at him. Draco stares back. A strange look appears on both their faces, but they suddenly pull apart and inch away from each other.
Terra: What the hell was that?
Cho: Hey no fair! If they want each other, then I think they shouldn't be allowed to play!
Hermione: Shut the hell up!
Terra: Okay! Save it for the competition! Now, I'll call pairs will be as follows. First round is Ginny vs. Draco.
Ginny and Draco exchange passive glances.
Terra: Second round is Hermione vs. Ron!
Hermione grins evilly at Ron while Ron whimpers and waves back.
Cho: Hey, what about me? It's only me left…so who do I get paired with?!!
Terra: Um….you get to play the winner!
Cho: Oh…I don't get it.
Terra: Let the first round begin!!!
Ginny and Draco, polls in hand, climb the podium.
Ginny: Do we really have to do this? It's so mean…
Draco: (making a dramatic pose) Oh I know! But sister, if you can't take the heat (he looks at Ginny and smirks) I guess you're just not fit to call yourself Harry's lover.
Ginny: (furious) What?
Draco: It's a shame really. Thinking that someone like you…poor…filthy…and absoltely lacking in fashion sense, could ever win my Harry's heart.
Ginny: W-H-A-T???!!
Terra: Let the match begin!
Immediately Ginny takes the poll and swings madly at Malfoy hitting Malfoy and causing him shriek girlishly with each swing.
Draco: A-OW! Time out, time out!
Ginny: (screaming with each swing) I AM NOT POOR! I AM NOT FILTHY! AND I THINK THESE FLARES MAKE ME LOOK SEXY!!!!
Draco ducks a swing and makes a face.
Draco: Yeah right! Huss, go back to your little hippie land!
Ginny: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
Ginny raises the poll high above her shoulders and is about to bring it down violently when Draco takes a dive.
Draco: (crying like a girl) I'm a hemophiliac! I'm a hemophiliac!!!!
Ginny looks at him for a moment before turning away in disgust. Just as she does, Draco takes a swing at her legs and knocks her off the podium.
Terra: OH!! How foul! How dirty! But then again, doesn't matter if he's in love, he's still a Slytherin!
Everyone in the audience who isn't apart of the Slytherin House boos Draco savagely as he jumps of the podium raising his arms triumphantly. The Slytherins cheer at the top of their lungs.
Pansy(from the audience): YEAH MALFOY! BEAT HER GOOD!
Before she could say anything else, Crabbe, who is sitting beside her, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.
Pansy: What the HELL!? You mean this is a I LOVE HARRY CONTEST?!!
Random person from the audience: HEY TERRA! TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF!!
Terra: Shut the hell up!!
Random persona from the audience: GIVE ME YOUR PANTIES!!
Terra: (eyes twitching) Next… match….
Hermione and Ron jump onto the podium. Hermione never takes her eyes off Ron as she assumes battle position.
Terra: Fight!
Hermione charges at Ron with surprising speed.
Hermione: ALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Ron: Eep!!
Ron drops his stick and braces himself but it does no good. Hermione relentlessly attacks Ron, beating every inch of his body.
Ron: Oh GAWD!! Selena! Selena help me!!
Hermione: Your Selena can't help you now! When I'm through with you, you're gonna be Dreaming of DEATH!!
Hermione throws her stick down and starts to kick him, screaming 'die' with each kick.
Terra: Oh, that's gotta hurt!
Ron: (wailing) As a matter of fact, it does!
Ron continues to wail as Hermione continues flailing him within an inch of his life. Then she stops, grabs her stick and like Ginny had, raises the poll high above her head.
Terra: FINISH HIM!!
In slow motion, Hermione brings the poll down at Ron.
Ron: (in slow mo) NOOOOOOO!!!!
Hermione (in slow mo) DIEEEEEEEE!!!!
Tears flying from his eyes from the pain of the impact, Ron flies off the podium. The audience groans in sympathy as he lies there, a pathetic lifeless carcass.
Terra: His soul is mine!! I mean…the match goes to Hermione!!!
Hermione does a flip off the podium and lands gracefully—on top of Ron.
Ginny: (terrified) Wow…Hermione…heh heh…I never knew you were so…angry…
Hermione: I'll do anything to win my Harry. Plus I never really liked Ron…
Terra: heh heh…the psychotic bookworm…. (now turning to the audience) Now, I guess that means that Cho'll have to fight either Hermione or Draco! Cho, come on down!!!
Audience waits for Cho. Nothing happens.
Terra: Um…Cho?
Hermione: Where the hell is she?
Suddenly muffled whimpering can be heard back stage. Hermione runs back stage momentarily and returns dragging a screeching Cho with her.
Cho: NO!! N-NO, I d-don't WANNA!! HEEEELP!!! ME!!
Hermione: Shut up you whining slut! That's it, you're gonna fight me!
Cho: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!
Cho finds some way to wriggle out of Hermione's grasp and starts to run.
Hermione: (enraged) OH NO YOU DON'T!!!
Hermione runs after her, occasionally running past Ginny, who was dressing her brother's many wounds, and Draco who was styling his hair. Terra looks at the sorry sight and shakes her head.
Terra: Sigh. Okay folks, we'll wait for these guys to get themselves together, and then we'll start the next part of the competition: Super Stars!! (Looks back at the competitors and sighs again). That is IF these guys get themselves together. Damn….
***To be Continued***
A/n: Gosh! That Hermione…but I guess the quiet ones are always the most violent! Well, I just want to make clear that just because Ron and Ginny lost the first match, does not mean that I prefer H/D or H/H pairings! Just keep watching to see what'll happen and don't forget to show your moral support! Also, I hope I didn't offend anyone who may be hemophiliacs. I didn't mean to be insulting but if I was, please forgive me.
*~Terra~*
Up next: Intermission features two young singers! But will this give rise to two new competitors for Harry's love? And…um…what's Ron and Draco doing voguing?
